harleygirls2010's story

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#1 Feb 28 - 4AM

harleygirl2010

harleygirls2010's story

my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years walked out again Friday night for the 4th time. I should be jumping for joy as I had been walking on egg shells for the past few weeks, I was scared of telling him how I feel as I knew he would jump ship. I didnt even ask for much, just a bit of re-assurance that things would not changed when he moved into his new house that he is buying. He was living with his mum when we met and moved in with me and my kids 10 months into the relationship.

We was soo good together 90% of the time but the 10% thats bad was that bad that I felt like a nervous wreck, scared when my 12 year old son spoke in case he interrupted him. He told me from the start that he was not looking for anything perm as he had been 'done over' by past girlfriends for the last 17 years, but i thought I could change him...

i have always been a people pleaser and I love nothing more than making people happy, I feel so so sad now, as I still want him back, im reading everyones posts and can relate to so many traits these men have, and still I just want him here, Im embaressed that my self esteem must be that low.....

I only discovered this site last night when I googled 'talking about yourself as he instead if I' and it came up with narc, its hard to take in.....

I spent the last 2 1/2 years trying to make this man happy, sort out his problems, for what? I feel so used, useless and pathetic...

#2 Mar 1 - 9AM

TexN (not verified)

Harley

I know exactly how you feel about being afraid of the kids interrupting or pissing him off! I can't believe I allowed my kids to feel that way! You're kids I'm sure are the love of your life & they should not have to feel that way in their own home! My kids were put through the hell of watching me & the narc go back and forth for seven years! He left & came back a thousand times! The damage that the narcs do on our children is unbelievable! My kids are in counseling. Is that what you want for your kids?? I didn't have the knowledge that I have now about narcissism. I wish I knew it back then. You are armed with knowledge and are aware that these men do not & will not ever change. Please do you & especially your kids a favor & send this man on down the road! I know its hard, I've been there & I still struggle with it everyday. He haunts me in my thoughts & in my dreams. I have a child with him so unfortunately I still have him in my life. Be glad u don't have a child with your narc. If you go back to him, I guarantee you he will leave you again, & again , & again until he finds his new supply. Now that I know what I know about N's, everytime he opens his mouth, I know its a lie or he wants something from me. What hurts the most is to know they don't really love you. They are not capable of it no matter how hard they try. Its all just an act. Be glad you've only wasted 2 1/2 years & not a lifetime like some of the ladies on here...Don't look back Harley!

#3 Mar 1 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

rache

TexN

RIGHT ON GIRL! our kids are all we have in this world that truely loves us unconditionally,why,allow some SOB to mess them up?I regret every moment of the almost three years i wasted on that piece of sh.t scum psychopath/narc.BUT,i will spend an eternity making it up to my kids.

#4 Mar 1 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

TexN (not verified)

Rache

Me too! Whenever I start reminisicing about dumbshit (as I like to call him), I remember how he took my kids money from their savings (Xmas, bday $ they had saved!), how he took their guns & pawned them, how he took their new dirt bike & 4 wheeler & never brought them back. All his empty promises to my babies & it reminds me of what a piece of shit he really is!

#5 Mar 1 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

rache

It

is enough to make my blood boil over! But,i will put everything right as i can.

#6 Feb 28 - 4PM

Barbara (not verified)

welcome harleygirl2010

Get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY. As long as they GET it and don't push codependency or self-blame. Remember YOU DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG. Nothing! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. Your story is very very common. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Please, in the future, read all the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers if you have to don't ALLOW him to contact you again... DO NOT ALLOW IT! and do NOT contact him in any way... that includes looking at his Facebook, MySpace, asking friends, etc. NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... stay with one you feel comfortable for AT LEAST one year. Healing takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#7 Feb 28 - 8AM

ForeverLearning

It takes some time to soak it all in

Hello! I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Life is not meant to be miserable. Life is not meant to be spent walking on eggshells in fear of upsetting someone. I am so glad you found this site. I know right now you are quite shocked at what you have discovered about your boyfriend. It takes some time to soak it all in! You need to spend alot of time reading all you can around here. That will take several weeks minimum, and more like months, to really get a grip on the ins and outs of this nasty personality disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Remember, your boyfriend may have a mix of several personality disorders and or other mental issues. It isn't necessarily easy to categorize, doesn't always fit neatly into either 'black or white', there is alot of grey area too. But I do know this from reading what you wrote. You said you are walking on eggshells. That sucks. That is NOT how it is supposed to be in a normal, healthy relationship with a HEALTHY MAN. You said you are afraid when your 12 year old son speaks, in case he might interrupt your boyfriend. THAT IS A BIG RED FLAG RIGHT THERE. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE FEARFUL ABOUT YOUR SON INTERRUPTING YOUR BOYFRIEND. I know EXACTLY what you mean - and I can tell you that a NORMAL man will not fly off the handle if a 12 year old interrupts him. So, this man in NOT NORMAL. If you are afraid of your son interrupting him, there is something VERY WRONG with your boyfriends reactions to normal occurances. RED FLAG. Lastly, if your boyfriend refers to himself in the 3rd person as "he", even if he does that now and then, that is a RED FLAG, something is WRONG. That is not normal. I'm glad you found this site and I know that given time you will be on your way to a better understanding of what you have been dealing with for the last 2 1/2 years, and will gain the tools to move on in life, and find a more healthy relationship down the road, one you can enjoy (and will be more enjoyable for your son, too). All the best and God bless you and your family.

#8 Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #17)

agnesmurphy17

Take Care

It's all so hard in the beginning when one begins to understand what happened. All those random disconnects start falling into place. Let's see. I first realized that my husband was an N almost a year and a half ago. I left him last May. I am still connecting the dots & having insights. And feeling used. Absolutely. I was used from beginning to end. I was only an object from which he could extract whatever he felt entitled to. Be careful. Your's will be coming back. They always do.

#9 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

harleygirl2010

thankyou

Thanks for your message I have been googling narcassist all day and its scarey, It seems like I cant 'mend' him and need to walk away and thats scarey too. When my son interupts he does not (thankfully) say anything to him but he would sulk or even worse have a go at me later about teaching him some manners.... I have the most adorable heaven sent son that has not given me a days worry in his life. He adores my boyfriend and looks up to him and wants to join in our chats.... I know I cant take him back this time as Ive read to much and my eyes are begining to oprn, I just wish I could fast forward through the pain.... Thanks again, your reply did enforce what I am already starting to learn xx

#10 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

rache

protect

your son by getting out now!He would only destroy your child! Mine would devalue my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#11 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

harleygirl2010

Protect

If you dont mind me asking what did your ex do to devalue your kids and how did you cope?

#12 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

Amazed

Harleygirl and Men on motorcycles.

I do not know if your N was a harley rider, or if you ride harleys yourself. All I know if my ex N was a "harley guy" and would talk about riding and all sorts of crap about woman. For all you with motorcycle guys,eew,,,did you get this from them/ Did you get this objectification of woman lifestyle from them? Stay away. I am begining to think the "Harley" lifestyle attracts these sorts of Narcissitic and abusive men.

#13 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

rache

harleys

my old ex psychopath was on adult matchdoctor calling himself harleyman! He is 66 1/2 and couldnt hold one up let alone ride it! SICK OLD bastard,but,he thought he could lure younger women...never rode one in his life!

#14 Feb 28 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

Barbara (not verified)

any lure will do

Psycho-Boy told one of his girlfriends he was an athlete in high school and a marathon runner as well (that's what my exNH does!). I happen to know someone he went to High School with and that is the FARTHEST thing from the truth. He also told this same girl (while they were still only chatting online) that he liked body building and taking care of himself. Um, forgot to mention he's a diabetic with rheumatoid arthritis (which he's had since CHILDHOOD) and porn & hooker addict though. The police told me he'd log on to cybersex chats and say he was in the military! ROFLMAO!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#15 Mar 10 - 2AM (Reply to #16)

rache

FORGOT to mention-

my old ex psycho has osteoporosis! I went to the doc with him and heard it for real.He always claimed to be 6 foot 1-2 but they told him he is 5'10.

#16 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

harleygirl2010

Protect

If you dont mind me asking what did your ex do to devalue your kids and how did you cope?

#17 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

rache

he would call

my daughters(14,7)whores/sluts and say they'll not amount to sh.t! called my sons queers,etc.....and fkers............started not letting me take their calls,would hover over me.He got to the point,where,he said i do not want to share you with anyone!-MEANING he wanted me to forget my own kids....sicko!What did i do to cope?I left him.He also was married 4-5 other times and still involved with an ex wife #3...he was going on dating sites i caught him when we were married 1 1/2 months-they are all liars,cheaters,abusers...and,if,you have kids they will abuse them too.

#18 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #4)

harleygirl2010

Protect

If you dont mind me asking what did your do to devalue your kids and how did you cope?

#19 Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

harleygirl2010

sorry I vanished

just wanted to apologise for not replying to anyone, I guess it was all to much and i decided to bury my head in the sand and that he only had a few of the traits....but he does'nt he is nasty nasty nasty, and im so tired, angry and upset, i feel humiliated and sad..... will reply properly tomorrow when my head is better x

#20 Mar 9 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

ForeverLearning

Please Continue to Read Around Here

Reading will help you learn about so much, not only Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but alot more - and there is a world of support here too. But your primary recovery source should be a therapist you feel comfortable talking to, some work on a sliding scale you know, like $25 a session or less. I hope you can find a therapist soon, sounds like you are at the end of your rope..... hang in there. You don't want to be miserable, for the sake of your son, (AND YOUR SON WILL PICK UP ON YOUR MISERY AND IT WILL MAKE HIM MISERABLE TOO, AND HE IS ABOUT TO BE A TEENAGER, THAT ALONE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT ALSO HAVING A VERY SAD MOTHER WHO IS MISERABLE DUE TO HER 'NASTY' BOYFRIEND)............... please get someone to talk to who is familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) along with Personality Disorders (the Narc) and depression (you, if it should develop). Hang in there and hang around here! It will get better, once you get rid of the creep who is no good for your family.

#21 Mar 10 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

harleygirl2010

end of my rope....

Thanks for your advice, I would be stupid not to take it. I have not managed to get to work the last two days and feel terrible. I managed to get some private sessions through my work and am having my first CBT session in the morning. I think its more to help me learn to deal with my coping skills, which are pretty bad.PTSD sounds different, not sure they have that in the UK and to be honest I could not afford it anyway. I have been having anxiety attacks since he has been gone (10 days) and am hoping the CBT will at least help me cope with them and get me back to work. I will keep reading, and thanks again for your support x

#22 Mar 10 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

Barbara (not verified)

PTSD in the U.K.

http://www.ptsduk.co.uk/article_gettinghelp.html http://www.uktrauma.org.uk/ ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

#23 Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

harleygirl

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/12/10/reality-suffering-accepting-what-he being in denial will only prolong your suffering you in therapy? get in ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

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