secondchance story

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#1 Feb 15 - 9PM
secondchance
secondchance's picture

secondchance story

Well, I have been reading on this site for a couple of months and finally had the time and energy to sit down and write. My story is a long one - 23 years too long! When I write that I almost can't believe it myself. My can't be soon enough ex met 23 years ago and he literally swept me off my feet. We had only been dating a month or so when he asked me to marry him. It seemed too soon so I said let's wait and then he asked me again after 4 months and I said yes. My friends loved him. He was so nice to everyone. Really seemed to care about me. I had a HUGE life then. Lots of friends. I had been in 10 weddings by this point. Was involved in tons of charities and even on state Boards for things, volunteered at the museum, and had a career that I liked. He seemed to have no friends but had just moved to my area after being gone for awhile so it sort of made sense. As we started planning the wedding it became more obvious that he really didn't have any friends since he could barely come up with 3 groomsmen. Anyway, he owned a home and during our engagement I moved in and we remodeled it and were planning our wedding. I came home one day in the afternoon and found him blacked out drunk. Huge red flag I know! I seriously just thought it was a one time thing but boy was I wrong. He also had a crazy mother who immediately started torturing me. Should I have run - yes! We got married and he left our honeymoon to get drunk. I should mention here that I grew up with an alcoholic father but not this drink alone kind so I really didn't recognize it. Over the next few years he would get drunk by himself every 6 months like clockwork! The story never varied. I would come home from wherever to find him drunk. Not have a beer watching a football game but drunk. He would deny being drunk, accuse me of being a crazy, suspicious b, scream at me and more. The next day there was NO REMORSE, NOTHING. Why I didn't think this was completely crazy I am still asking myself. I got pregnant with our first child and we moved back to my hometown and ended up living near my parents which was nice. His drinking continued and he would through in drinking too much at events that were important to me. Nothing that could make him look bad to his family. I was very busy with our daughter and then we had a son. I had continued my volunteering and was very active in the community and I guess I was distracting myself from how bad everything really was with him. After 9 years of marriage we moved to his hometown. Things continued in this way with the drinking, lying,name calling, etc. He started businesses without asking me and then called me unsupportive if i didn't go alone with everything. We had a horrible 4th of July where he was horribly drunk and my kids called him out. He actually fought with them too. No remorse at all! After 18 years of this I was literally not myself. I was happy with my friends and activities and was faking it enough but so shut down inside. Also I should add that I never told anyone about what was going on in our household. I was too embarrassed and just kept hoping he would change. He kept telling me that I had to change and threatening me with divorce. We went to a therapist and when she wouldn't fix me he stormed out and threw a check at her. Then things got really crazy. He wrote a letter to my family and to his family that was completely lies. He went behind my back and met with both families and basically made me look like a crazy shrew. I found out just after the letter came out that he was in the middle of an affair. I should also add that ALL THESE YEARS his mom would call him and complain about me and he would repeat everything to me and still insist that I see her and be polite to her. I was never really rude to her but she is really crazy and wanted me to completely be fawning over her and I was just a little more reserved. So...the affair came out and I actually went to his parents to tell my side of the story and for once his mom called him out and told him to fix things. (That lasted a day and then she was back bashing me!) We found an amazing therapist and started in. Right away he told her that she needed to fix me. She said let's see what has been happening. Well obviously the focus was on him from then on. We had 18 months with her at that time. Up and down with him and back and forth. Crazy to think back now about all those sessions. I told my mom that if there were transcripts she would be blown away. She couldn't even get him to agree about what was lying and what wasn't. He would say things like, "It was the truth to me!" She would occasionally ask to see me alone and he would say "finally you are going to work on her" and then when I saw her it would really be to ask me what in the world had happened in my childhood to make me put up with this. She told him that I had no voice in our marriage. We continued to work on things. I was just bound and determined to stay married. I come from a divorced family and I just didn't want to do that to my kids. There were so many issues in those 18 months - more lying, nonsense with the kids, etc. However, we turned a corner and I was actually optimistic about things so much so that at the end of that 18 months we "graduated" from therapy and thanked the dr. for saving our marriage. She told me "you're not done" but I didn't want to hear that. Withing 2 months everything started again - lying, nonsense with his mom, drunkenness, driving drunk with my son, more lying. The dr. called me at home and said "stop being a little girl, get a backbone and stop being abused" and it still took me 3 more months to get the courage to ask him to move out. That was last November. After that I felt such relief! By now my daughter is away at college and my son is a junior in high school. For a fleeing moment I thought maybe it was just me and he will be okay with the kids but then things started happening with them. I called the dr. to get some advice on how to handle things with the kids and I finally asked her what she had diagnosed him with and she said "narcissistic personality disorder." Well I looked on the internet and oh my God it was my life. She had never told me before because I kept saying I wanted to be married to him and she never told him because what would be the point. Currently my daughter isn't speaking to him and my son has only seen him a little. He pretends like he is super dad though. Really has his family faked out! He actually took our 16 year old son out to dinner last month and out of the blue told him that I wasn't having sex with him, and he was angry and so he had an affair! Honestly, this is why I hung in there so long. Could never have co-parented with him!! Lots more to write of course since this is brief and my marriage lasted 21 1/2 years. I am currently 4 1/2 months away from being officially free and I know things will get worse before they get better as far as property settlement but I feel pretty good. I actually look better than I have in years and am looking forward to the rest of my life.

Feb 27 - 6PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Done with him!

Sounds like you are really finished with this guy. No regrets. That's great. I notice that you wrote that you were determined to make the marriage work. That's what these guys use . . . our vulnerabilities to keep us in. My did the same thing. They use normal psychology to control the victim. Glad you saw how he used family therapy to control you, to try to change you. I knew that was the point of it all with my N from the get go. I had already detected that he kept his ex-wife in the marriage for so long with the therapy game. And, for my N it was a game. He even berated me after a session: "You don't play the therapy game." Dude said it all. I, too, am so done with my N. I never think of him as kind. I never miss him. I am so glad I got away.
Feb 24 - 10PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Secondchance

Good for you, girl! Stick to your guns & claim your life back! Your kids are almist grown & its time to make time for yourself! I bet it feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted from your shoulders! (My narc was always gone so I guess I can say we lived together part time). Anytime he did get a job in town, I couldn't wait for him to go back on the road!
Feb 19 - 11PM
lisarudi
lisarudi's picture

Our stories are quite similar................

WOW! My father was also and alcoholic. My therapist said even though I dodged the alcohol bullet, I still chose a man with an addictive personality.....work, praise, power, etc... I glad to hear that your kids see through his act. My 22 year is just starting to see things for what they are, but my 14 year old thinks his father is perfection. I pulled out of my driveway this evening only to see my Ex and 14 year old go by with a new 4-wheeler(ATV) in the back of Ex's truck. Oldest son is getting married in October of this year. I wish I could be excited about it, but I'm simply dreading it. On the up side, he is marrying a wonderful girl. Just wish his father didn't have to be there. Keep posting!!
Feb 16 - 7PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Way To Go Lady!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so very proud of you for putting yourself first and breaking free from the madness. I feel a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS are in order for you, you have performed nothing short of a MIRACLE FOR YOURSELF in making the decision to leave. God bless you lady. You are right, freedom is nothing short of beautiful, wonderful, thrilling, happy, peaceful, and often, frankly, miraculous. A brand new life to do with as you choose, but this time around, SO MUCH WISER. I will say a prayer for you that you will not chicken out of getting a divorce due to scare tactics from him or his psychopath family members- and yes that kind of nonsense might be coming your way, although it sounds like if anything he will try to use the threat of brainwashing the kids to get you to stay (by saying he will turn them against you if you leave). Thank God the kids are as old as they are now and can make their own judgements as to who is the lying psychopath narcissist (him, obvious to anyone who knows him) and who is the victim held hostage for 23 years (you, obvious to anyone who knows you). Keep coming here every day to read, read, read. Reading all you can is a way of buying free life insurance for yourself - you are insuring you will be wiser to these disorders and NEVER NEVER NEVER have to deal with this SH*T again for the rest of the time God gives you here on this Earth. God bless you, congratulations, and enjoy your new found life. May it be filled with peace and untold happiness, you deserve it and have deserved it for a very long time.
Feb 16 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome second chance

get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. Your story is very very common. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Please read all the Rules prior to posting, as well - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers don't ALLOW him to contact you again... not pray for it! DO NOT ALLOW IT! NO CONTACT AS SOON AS THE DIVORCE IS FINAL! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP... Healing takes a MINIMUM of 18 months (with TOTAL NC) and you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP. Do not date before 18 months has passed! KEEP THIS SOUL SUCKING, NON HUMAN PREDATOR OUT OF YOUR LIFE. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Feb 25 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Quick thought

His mother sounds awful, but is it possible he was pitting the two of you against each other? She will probably never take your side, but as I read your story this thought jumped out at me. It really sounds like you are going to have a great future. I hope you are surrounding yourself with positive supportive people. When I start getting sad and missing the "good times" I think back to how awful it was that I let him rule my whole life, even what was going on in my own head! Now I can read, watch TV or a movie, go for walks, spend time with my family, etc... and not think about the drama with him!
Feb 25 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Nothanx

Omg! The drama! You reminded me how everything was such a major ordeal! Even going on a road trip with a narc is major! Thank God those days are over! When he hooked up with his new supply he said, "It is soo nice to be with someone like her! She hates drama & that's all you were was drama! WTF?! That hurt, coming from the Drama King himself!! Lol!
Feb 26 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Drama

I just got so tired of thinking about every move I made! Mine gave me a version of the "It is so nice to be with her...." BS! Mine told me "I don't know what it is, but when I am with her, it all goes away. I feel normal, and I don't even need the porn". Just another way to cut me down. Later, when I threw that back in his face, he said "I wish you didn't take everything I say so serious and personal". How else is a person supposed to take comments like that?
Feb 26 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nothanx

you didn't take everything I say so serious and personal What he meant was - I don't treat anyone like they're a person with feelings so HOW DARE you have feelings. I should be able to do or say whatever I want!! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims