This is the first time I have actually articulated my 'story' from the beginning, and I am really nervous about it. I guess seeing it in black and white makes it real. I am also deeply ashamed on so many levels. I thought I was a strong, independent woman, and over the past year and a half I feel like I have become a shell of myself. Utter desperation has led me to this website, in the hope that someone will understand, not judge me and help me get out of this massive emotional hole I find myself in.
To set the scene - I am married (although now I am seperated), and have been with my husband for 15 years, ever since we were 17 years old. I have never been with another man, and I never viewed myself as an attractive, sexual woman. It never occurred to me other men would find me
attractive. I think it would be fair to say I have a low self esteem, and suffered from eating disorders for many years.
2 years ago my husband and I discovered he was was unable to have children. He doesn't produce sperm as a result of a syndrome he has. We were both devastated, and it felt like our whole world fell apart. he became very angry with the world, and withdrew - working incredibly long hours. This wasn't that strange to me, he always worked very hard, and I felt alone alot of time, but his anger and working spiralled out of control.
I work at a large investment bank in a department dominated by men. At around the same time, there was a re-shuffle and my team got a new boss. I knew this guy vaguely but when he took over the team, he was very friendly to me. As a key member of the team, he told me relentlessly how wonderful I was at my job, and I needed to go permanent - this would send a sign to the rest of the team that if I believed in his capabilities enough to go permanent, they would trust and approve of him. Needless to say, I did not go permanent despite all the pressure, but he promised me that he and top management knew how great I was and he would do averything he could to make my working life easier (as it is incredibly high pressured). I was flattered and it felt amazing that someone was taking an interest in my career and well being. We became friends, and in hindsight, he did put me in quite compromsing situations, and 'confided' in me alot.
One night there was drinks after work, and he told me (in a platonic way) he thought was I was hot. I was completely bowled over, and flattered, as no one had ever told me that before. The friendship continued normally and I certainly did not think of him in any other way than my boss. He
was also married and had been with his wife the same amount of time.
Another night, another drinks! I had just come back from holiday and my boss (N) was emailing me from the pub relentlessly asking me to come down for a drink. It was my birthday, and my husband was working, so I went. We all got very drunk, and N and I walked to the train station together
and he kissed me. I was horrified at myself but excited at the same time. It had never entered my thought process that someone else would find me attractive.
After that initial kiss things escalated quite quickly. He bombarded me with text messages, and he sat literally 2 metres apart at work. He would email, message me and text me all day - saying the most amazing things. I had never felt so desired or sexy in my life. At this point I never
regarded it as a 'relationship', I was so caught up in all the attention he was pouring on me, I didn't really think of it as that serious. he told me that his wife and he lived separate lives, she went out every Thursday and Friday and slept out - he thought she was having an affair. He
told me that they could never divorce while his parents were alive, as they were strict Hindus and it would shame the family. I told him it wasn't too late to find happiness, he had alot to offer and I was sure his parents would rather he was happy. I never thought of myself as the person he would find happiness with - it was more like he was my best friend and we were sharing our problems, even though we were madly into each other. we met up for drinks and dinner often and he always initiated it. He was absolutely amazing and I started to feel like I was falling in love with him.
3 months into our affair, I woke up one morning and my eye was a little strange. By the end of the day I had gone blind in one eye. I went to see the doctor and was told I may have a brain tumour or MS. I had a brain MRI the next day. My husband was completely detached and didn't come with
me, or show any care. In contrast, N was there every step of the way. I was admitted to a brain hospital for treatment and N again, was my white knight. Whist my husband couldn't come to visit as he was working, N visited me 3 times a day and used to stay with me until I fell asleep. He used to text me things like 'Watching you sleep is the most beautiful thing I have witnessed in my life'. I was overwhelmed with the support and love he showed me. I went home, and suffered badly with headaches to the point I couldn't get food or walk. My husband was going out and working, and there often was no food in the house. N would order me food online and get it delivered. It turned out I had MS - something I am still trying to come to terms with.
N was training for the marathon and as time passed I noticed he became more obessed with it, and himself in general. Talking about himself, and it seemed he always had an ailment, and most of the conversations we were having involved me having to boost his ego. i didn't mind, I was
completely in love with him. He told me that his dad had beaten him up as a child, and his mother, and no-one in the family knew, not even his wife. I was the first person he told. I found that strange, but again, was flattered he felt he could confide in me. I noticed he started to be
less attentive, and seemed to not have as much time for me, but put it down to the marathon and all the training.
As time went on the gaps in the time we saw each other outside work became bigger and bigger. He seemed happy to exist in a 'virtual' world - texting, emailing and instant messaging me constantly, but liked to go out drinking with his work buddies alot of the time we could have seen each
other. It upset me, but I was determined not to be needy so said nothing. I went away on holiday and we were in constant contact. we arranged to meet up the day after I got back.
We saw each other and we were both excited. I bought him a present, and was surprised by his reaction, he kind of laughed at it and didn't appreciate it at all. He had a sore foot from all the running and was hobbling around. I was sympathetic but secretly thought he made a bit of a meal of it. We were lying in bed, and he was on his back, and it was annoying me that he couldn't make any effort to move or be close to me, so I jokingly said 'What is wrong with you? It's like you are on a pivot!' There was deadly silence, and it seemed like black shutters went down over
his eyes. He physically recoiled. I was dumbfounded. I said, 'What's wrong?' and he says 'If you don't know, then that is very sad, but it is the way it is'. I was in shock by his reaction, and told him I was only joking, but he continued to lie there in silence. I said, 'Do you want me
to go?' and he said I should do whatever I wanted. I told him I thought his reaction was completely over the top, and he launched in a tirade about how I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly what I was doing when I said that, and it was a bitchy thing to say. He didn't need me to 'rescue' him,
he was happy with himself and his life. I was floored by this outburst - it seemed like a compeltely different person, and I couldn't understand why he would just assume the absolute worst in me. We patched things up (kinda) and I left.
As time went on, the nastiness started to appear more frequently. I noticed he had 2 weeks booked off as holiday but didn't even tell me. Considering when I had gone away on holiday, he was devastated that I was 'leaving him' for 3 weeks, I felt quite hurt he didn't mention it. He
also was making no effort to see me, and he would often give me a silent treatment and I wasn't sure what I had done to upset him. I felt really hurt but ploughed on trying to make him feel good and special. At the same time my husband told me he wanted a sepration, and it felt like the two men in my life were disappaearing.
I was distraught about N because I felt like he was changing before my eyes and the person I knew was disappaearing. Instead of being the wonderful, king loving person I knew, he seemed really moody, and the slightest thing would set him off and I would get the silent treatment for days. It was always me taking the inititative and asking what was the wrong and trying to patch things up. He seemd to have this ability to just switch off and act like I was absolutely nothing and no one in his life. I told him my husband and iI were separating and he was cold and completely unsupportive. I went away with some friends for a week, and barely heard from him. When I asked him about it (over text), I would get
cold replies, which would hurt and frustrate me. I felt I was constantly putting my heart out there and it was being trodden on.
He went to Thailand with his wife, but continued to email me about 40 times a day. However when he came back (we hadn't seen each other for a month), he didn't seem to have time to see me - he always had something on that was more important. He seemed happy to live in a virtual world and text/email me all the time, but not actually see me. At the same time, we work together so I would see him everyday and we would act
completely normally around everyone else. I felt like I was going mad.
He is very vain, and constantly wanted me to comment on what he was wearing and tell him how good he looked. Sometimes we would meet up and have sex in the bathrooms at work, which was exciting at first, but then made me feel like he was happy to have that, and text me, but didn't really
want to see me in ordinary ways - like to have dinner. I remember, early on, when we were getting passionate, I put my hand in his hair, and he said 'Don't mess up my hair!'. I was shocked but mildly amused.
One day I won a track day through a raffle at the company. He was also going. Afterwards, he dropped me home, and came in - I was excited, it was the first time we had been alone for ages. He was moaning about the parking (he is obssessive about his Porsche). We had sex, and straight afterwards he got up, and said 'I have to go'. I felt so used and cheap, and I couldn't process what was happening. There was no reason he had to go, but he said it was because of the parking and did I really want him to get a ticket?
He went from texting me 30 times a day to completely blanking me for days at a time. However, when he was out and drunk, he would send me the most lovely texts, just like he was in the beginning. I couldn't understand the change in him. He came over one Friday night and we had a wonderful evening, the next day we were in communication as usual. The next day I heard nothing. Late on Sunday night I got a text saying 'Why are you so quiet?' - I was irritated and replied 'Not at all, why are you?' Then nothing.
The next day at work he completely ignored me. I messaged him and asked what was up - and he told me he didn't want to argue, if I didn't know what I had done then it was sad, but that was the way it was. I was completely confused and said - c'mon, this is ridiculous, let's go outside
quickly and talk about this, our communication methods suck, it is better to talk about it face to face. Finally he agreed, and we talked. He literally went ballastic at me, saying I had sent him the horrible text, and I was an actress and manipulator. No one had ever spken to me in the
way he did that day. He stormed off and said this wasn't going to work. In those situations I get completely flustered because I don't understand what is going on, and where it came from, and the stuff he was saying was completely different from what I thought - everything was
being twisted but he said it with such conviction I was baffled - did I really do all those horrible things? I must have if he believes it?!
I then sent him a message saying sorry (not sure why i did that), but I respected his decision, but for the record I had had the most amazing time with him and hoped one day we could be friends again. For two months we worked together in complete silence, he didn't acknowledge my existence,
and it was as if he had just deleted me from his life. I felt physically sick every day at work with anxiety.
Slowly he began to make contact again and would text me when drunk. I was confused - I didn't know what he wanted - to be friends again? I couldn't just act as if nothing has happened. Finally I asked him if we would meet to resolve things so I could move on, as we had to work together and it was unbearable. I needed to understand so I could have closure.
We met and he told me he was deeply ashamed of the way he treated me. He said he was so angry and couldn't control his rage and he was at a stressful time in his life and he hurt the one person he loved the most. he said he knew exactly how to hurt me and went for the jugular. I asked
why then he had ignored me for 2 months, and he said it was because he felt that if he was capable of treating me like that than I was better off without him. He begged for my forgiveness, promised it would never happen again and like a fool, I forgave him.
The next few weeks were amazing, like in the beginning. He was charming, open and we resumed having the most incredible sex I have had in my life. Cracks started to appear though - he was incredibly jealous, and if any other man talked to me in the office, he got angry, slammed his chair into the desk and would storm off and ignore me. Then he would get drunk and tell me it was because he didn't understand why I wanted to be with him, I could have anyone, and he was scared I would leave him. I spent alot of time and emotion telling him how wonderful and sexy he was, how much I loved him, blah blah. Then the old habits of not seeing each other started again. I told him I wasn't prepared to have a virtual
relationship, and it was doing my head in. One night he rang me (drunk), and he was all loved up, and told me he had been holding back on seeing me, not because he wanted to, but because he felt he couldn't, but he was over that now and he didn't want to discuss it. He said he wanted us to
have a date the following night, and discussed in detail what he would wear for me, and how we were going to have the most amazing night.
The next day he was messaging me all day saying I looked sick and I should go home early, and he would follow me. I was like an addict at this point - over the moon he wanted to see me, and so I went home, got dinner for us and waited for him to come. He came, and seemed in a big rush -
I stupidly thought it was because he couldn't wait to be with me. Oh no! After an hour, he tells me he has to go, and when I asked why, he said he had to go home. Subject closed. Again I felt like a cheap whore. Later on that night he phoned me and I didn't pick up. Then he text me
'are you ok?' - I waited a couple of hours and replied I was fine. later he told me that I had beahved like a bitch, and blanked him. I said no, I did reply to your text, and he said 'Well you may as well not have - it was so dismissive, you know it was blanking me'. Again I was gobsmacked
at how the whole was twisted to be my fault, when he was the one that had been a complete liar and used me.
Anyway, things have been getting worse and worse, and a few more things happened which made him go into a rage, call me names and ignore me. I find it unbearable that he constantly thinks the worst of me and try to rectify - constantly making excuses for his behaviour and trying to find
the guy I fell in love with. I don't understand why I have this addiction to this person who treats me so badly. It's almost as if I can't believe it's happening, and if I tell him how I feel, he will soften and see it from my point of view. He never does. He has said things to me
like 'You know, when we have these conversations we find that 99% of the time I am right'. I gave him a Christmas present and he didn't even say thank you. He has never once given me anything.
I feel like I am beginning to go insane, I am completely lost and confused and feel emotionally drained. Every thime I talk to him he twists it so I end up apologising. I don't understand what is wrong with me that I keep on going back for more. My family and friends say that it seems
like I have died inside. I have decided enough is enough and have found a new job, and am going to resign on Monday. I am very nervous about telling him, and I think he has an idea, because he phoned me on Friday (highly unusual) and I told him I really needed to talk to him on Monday.
He hasn't contacted me since and I fear the silent treatment has begun again.
I know he is a bad person, and married but I can't stop myself wanting him. I hate myself for it. It makes me feel so weak. I'm actually scared of what nasty thing he is going to say next, but then I tell myself he is just insecure, he does really love me etc etc. It's pathetic! I feel exhausted after 1.5 years of this rollercoaster, and feel beaten down. Yet addicted. I just don't know what he wants from me - he seems to be able to delete me so easily, and it hurts SO much. Anyway, sorry for droning on...only amonth to go and then I will be out of his life forever.
I know that he is too proud to ever contact me after that point, and I know that is a good thing, but it also makes me feel so foolish and discarded.