inshock's story

I am in a 25 year marriage, yes my husband is very different, very controlling, very successful, and I have been hurt by him since day one. I love him very much. Why do I feel frozen, why do I doubt myself? My therapist tell me I am the one who has to decide, why can't I? I was a hairstylist, a single mother barley surviving and I just happened to book an appointment one day, and this is how it all started. This good looking, older (12 yrs) impatient guy came in for a hair cut, steel blue eyes, that seemed to look straight through me, like he could see everything. He was very stern told me how not to put any products on his hair, ask me too many questions that I stupidly answered.He left, no tip, no courtesy, and squealed his tires out of the parking lot. Two hours later he called the owner of the salon and asked him if "I had any sense?"

After about 6 months of his persistance I finally went out with him, I was very impressed by his strength & success being from a divorced home & divorcing the father of my daughter after he had an affair when I was 6 months pregnant, we married 1 yr. later after he consumed my world. On our honeymoon the putdowns started, I looked like I had been "beaten with an ugly stick", if I had no makeup on, so I tried to be perfect for him always. We moved to a town 1 hour away, stared a new car dealership, I was not allowed to work anywhere except for him in the office. He immediately told me he didn't like how I dressed, my skirts were not conservative enough etc.. I did asked he asked, soon got pregnant had a son, got pregnant 14 months later with my daughter, and turned into supermom. I am very much a pleaser, I want to make sure everyone is happy & taken care of. I had very little contact with my family, no friends, but a nice house, car etc..

I was reminded how fortunate we were very often. At this point there was no verbal abuse, I was very busy, lucky to have him, but still there were so many red flags. Everyone who worked for him was terrified of him, he would not hesitate to fire anyone at the drop of a hat, you never where to cross him or make him look bad. My daughter now five was diagnosed with ADHD, he was very hard on her, and I allowed it no one wanted to upset him especially me. He had a daughter from his previous marriage he never saw, nasty divorce, someone should kill her he would say often. She had said terrible things about him, poisoned his daughters mind, took half his money, she was a whore slut etc...

I was beginning to see his hatred for women. His father had these tendencies, I told him please don't ever turn out to be your father, he assured me he never would. He had an opporitunity to join in another larger dealership in our hometown. This was to appealing to pass up, he hated most of his peers from high school. He had a chip on his shoulders, he was not from the good neighborhood, he was a caddy for these people on the golf course at the country club. He hated all the successful people in town, he was driven to out do them all. We soon moved into a new neighborhood, I still was not to work, or have friendships, we are different people are jealous of us, he would tell me. He would also tell me my sisters were so jealous, everyone wanted to be me. Blah blah blah. I was beginning to see he had trouble with relationships. He seemed to use people for what he needed them for, then he would be finished with them, disposing of them, they were stupid etc..

My sister was divorced, had a gym, she was struggling, I was not allowed to spend much time with her, he was afraid she would influence me. I noticed he had an interest in her, he offered to help her with small things, an awning for her window for her gym. Then he would say I have a building near one of my dealership that you should move into, I won't charge much rent! She wouldn't do it, I just figured she was independent. She was very determined to make it on her own. At this time my husband wanted a farm, we left our perfect home in the city and move to a 400 acre farm 30 minutes outside of town. My husband knew everyone in this area, his father had worked in this area. For me it was the end of the world, but I wanted to please him, the kids loved it etc...now I was REALLY out of touch with everything. He bought a horse for me, I loved it, this was it this is what I would do! I started taking lessons in town from two women he had gone to school with. After about 6 months, he hated them, they were lesbians he wanted my out of there so I left! We started showing horses, my youngest daughter and I loved them. One problem, we had to win. We had to have the best horses, everyone had to be envious of us. So my hobby turned into 50 horses, importing from them from South America to breed the best ones etc...I worked and worked and worked, feeding them cleaning stalls etc. I couldn't leave that farm, but I wanted to prove I could be successful too! The people in our breed of horses were mostly from Latin America, they were also impressed by my husband addressing him by Mr.___ making him feel important, he loved it. Oh but I was not allowed to be around these people alone, they have a reputation for taking advantage of women, etc...

I developed great friends in the horse breed, they all lived in the Florida area. I heard constantly the women were all lesbians, sluts, jealous etc. these people don't like you they want to be you, blah blah blah. I had started noticing my husband was too friendly with a young girl from the horse shows. I would find him sitting with her, inside the arena. I would tell him it didn't look good, people might get the wrong idea. It would make him mad. He very much had a double standard, he has always done anything he wanted, been around anyone he wanted. Women who rode horses did it to get men to notice them, thats the only reason everything was sexual. If my daughter and I rode we had to wear many sports bras so there was NO BOUNCE if there was I was a slut, I wanted to be noticed. It was getting much worse.

Ok now I will jump 8 years, my oldest daughter was getting married. This was when it started to unravel, the abuse escalated. There was a couple near our farm, nice husband young son, beautiful wife 10 years younger than me. She wanted to learn to ride, my husband introduced us, I was offered to help her, my husband GAVE hr a horse, he controlled selling the horses etc. I was not capable. During the planning of my daughter's wedding I noticed this woman was linked to violent outburst from my husband. My daughter had left home at 17 graduated early from a private boarding school, (she was a problem for him), joined the Navy. She was marrying a great guy in the Navy also. I called this woman to invite her to my daughter's bachelorette party (out to eat & Sex in the City movie, no alcohol) within 5 minutes my husband called me and accused me of everything under the sun, from showing off to being a slut. I was in shock, where did this attack come from? I realized it had to come from her, I called her and questioned her to see WHAT SHE TOLD MY HUSBAND, she became very defensive and said she had nothing to do with it. I was a wreck, my husband continued to call me a slut, lesbian, all I wanted to do was impress people, he was not paying anymore for this wedding.

He hated all the plans I had made, the wedding was on the farm he was not doing any work on the farm etc....my horse friends came to my rescue, they came and worked like dogs to help me, I was to the point of exhaustion. All of these people had felt the scorn of my husband, they had all at one point suffered from him. They were good people who loved me, I am blessed. My husband invited people who did not know my daughter, business people, famous people ( he is obsessed with ). My daughter said who are all these people? I had to do everything, my husband was no where to be found during the wedding, showing up at the last minute, he had be attending to his guest. He did not walked me down the isle after the ceremony, he took credit for everything, wouldn't dance with me. He was totally consumed by his guest, everyone was different, I actually got apologies from my sister-in-laws for my husbands behavior. My sister came to me after the wedding and said I have something to tell you... your husband has come onto me many times, I haven't told you because you love him and I didn't want to mess up your world. I knew he would make you hate me. I was devastated. She never let him help her because he wanted sexual payment. I was in shock. The woman who had caused some many problems during the wedding, had many calls on my husbands cell phone bill, six calls the morning after the wedding!

All my husbands bills, personal mail goes to his p o box, I never see it. I trusted him, what an idiot I am. I started digging, the young girl at the horse shows said my husband made her very uncomfortable. She said she hated him, everyone thinks he is having an affair with the woman that is on his cell phone bill. So I approached him, big mistake, all these people are trash they all want to destroy us they are jealous. My sister is crazy, jealous slut who can't get a husband. My two children with him believe him, they treat my family terrible. I live for my children, but he is pursuing a Nascar career for my son, and he is paying for my daughter to go to go to college, pre-med to impress her father, because she is female, we are inferior, she has to try to out perform her brother etc...., but we all still try to please him WHY? My daughter, the one in the Navy moved to the West Coast to get away from him. By the way she is amazing, very successful, the only thing is she has an anger problem, wonder why? I do not like my son racing, it has caused a rift between me and my son, my husband has used this to win him over, he told me when our son flies home in his jet, you can stand in line with everyone else to see him.

I am now with my daughter 7 hours from home, the only time I have been allowed to leave alone, she is 8 months pregnant, her husband has been deployed to Haiti to help in relief efforts. I see this as my opporitunity, how do I? I am terrified, I have not been able to get proof of my husbands infidelity, he convinces my two younger children I am crazy & stupid. They both treat my bad screaming at me, taking advantage of me. They are not to blame, it is all they know, what they have learned. My son is beginning to act like his father. I am so excited about my first grandson, I want to be with my daughter, I feel so guilty. I am terrified to be out on my own, can I do it? I don't trust people, especially men.

Has my husband physically abused me? Well after reading, Why Does He Do That? Yes he has, driving in the car 5 years ago I voiced that I wanted to go into business with my sister, he freaked out I started crying, and I told him he was controlling. He was driving dangerously, I grabbed the door handle, he started screaming to the kids in the back seat that I was trying to jump out, I was an alcoholic, I had had one glass of wine at dinner. I was left with a black hand print around my arm, and he told my children I was trying to destroy him!

I can't imagine trying to divorce him, besides getting a lawyer in a town where he knows everyone, has started a bank, owns two very successful car dealerships, etc..I get an allowance, I have no idea of our finances, no access to anything. Where do I start?

I am still at my daughters house loving life here, getting calls from my husband twelve times a day! He misses me, really all he wants is sex, that and maid service is all he needs me for. That is all our relationship is, if I refuse he waits until I am asleep, then tells me the next morning what he did and laughs. Am I crazy, am I dreaming all this up? I know I have problems, I have a lot of anxiety, I feel very uncomfortable being in society on my own, can I survive with out him. He tells me he will destroy me if I ever leave.