Signs Your Narcissist is Cheating

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Jul 30 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
Amy's picture

I am sorry

It is such a horrible situation. We never had an "open" relationship, but if someone is pushing you to participate in sex clubs, swinging, etc, they are definitely looking for some other satisfaction on the side. I will NEVER be with a man who asks me to do anything like that again. It is a sensitive topic for me. It is unsafe and unhealthy. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE sex. But I don't have to compromise myself. Being with someone who only wants me is healthy and normal (everyone is tempted, but a normal person does not act on it). I agree with the earlier poster who said a private investigator commented that if you even have to ask the question, he is probably cheating.
Jul 30 - 11AM (Reply to #32)
better off
better off's picture

It's not only normal to want

It's not only normal to want only your mate (random thoughts and temptations aside), it's even MORE normal for a man NOT to want other men touching you. "Sharing" your mate with other men is not normal.
Jul 30 - 11AM (Reply to #33)
wholeagain's picture

I agree Better Off

I was so sucked into the myth I actually believed it was normal to have an open relationship, more normal than a traditional one. Now that I'm with someone who in fact *is* normal, I'm horrified by what I lived with. If new man said any of the things that exN did I'd be out the door so freakin' fast. I've at least learned that much. And if he wanted to share me with other men, I'd be completely and utterly heartbroken.
Jul 29 - 3PM
whatever2009's picture

If he's breating he's

If he's breating he's cheating, or finding a way to cheat, or finding ways to have numerous sources of supply. He wont stop it EVER. I use to think I wasnt enough. I use to think if I only had sex with him more then he wont go anywhere. He would actually tell me that, keeping the sperm out of a man is how to get them not to cheat. He use to say it will build up in them and then they just look for somewhere to get it out. Nice eh! I use to run circles trying to figure out, why I wasnt enought, what did I need to change. I found out NOTHING! He's incapable and its a game to him. They dont hide things because they dont care if you find them or not. No one will tell a Narc how to behave, they do what they want when they want. The more I stayed and the more back and forth I did ruined me. Im now numb. I can sleep with a guy and then never talk to him again and not care. I dont try and get close to anyone cuz there is no point. Im too damaged. And im terrified of being hurt again. GET OUT while you can, he will never change, and you cant make him!!!
Jul 29 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

You Are Right...They Will NEVER Change!

And there is nothing we can DO or BE that will make them NOT cheat. You can be beautiful, gorgeous and sexy as hell and give them all the sex they can be the BEST in bed he ever 'had'...and a perfect lady in can cook, clean and bend over backwards...every which way till Sunday....makes NO difference! They will ALWAYS cheat. Most women never even have a clue about how often they much and how many they have cheated with... ...the very worst part of their cheating, for me his LIES...all his lying... Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Jul 29 - 3PM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Here's a REALLY Big Wake-up that He is Cheating

You can pretty much bet that IF your Narc/Psychopath BF or husband gets an email at his personal WORK address from a pretty young single woman, asking him to create a separate facebook using his 'work email address' and connect with her on her facebook so she can show him some of her latest personal can pretty much KNOW he has something going on... ...especially if he SAVES that email and forwards it to his 'hotmail' from his work he can log on and connect with her on the home computer...when you are asleep...and when you find he has been searching google for every little bit of info on her that he can got a cheater on your hands!!!! Oh JOY! Here we go again, what a predator he is...he is SO dishonest... Forget it when he tries to tell you the email was sent from some 'client' that he doesn't really know...(yeah right buddy-boy! you save all the personal emails from your clients and check them all out on facebook and google...REALLY? You want me to believe you would do this if she had been 60, unattractive and overweight???...or would you have ignored an email from someone like that?...Yeah! thought so!...) Trust your gut instinct girls...especially if this OW wants to connect with him on a new 'more private' facebook...and not use the one he already has that she already knows about(I know she knew he already had a facebook profile because she included a pic of him from his other profile in her email) ...When I looked up who she was, I found out that she does professional Make-up/Hair for Brides/Weddings, and Engagement photos.... I remember that I had found a water bottle and business card 3 months ago in the trunk of the car my BF & I share with some nice 'Bridal Beauty' Logo on it, that you don't buy at the store. He told me THEN that he had found it laying in the street next to the car one day like someone had just tossed it & he put it in the trunk to recycle the water bottle (with that company logo on it)...I bought that story THEN...until the email he got recently from her, and then I had peeked at her company website and saw pics of her logo and even some photos of these same water bottles that she passes out at 'Bridal Conventions' as a way to advertise...When I saw THAT...and remembered the water bottle in our trunk from a few months ago, along with his story about it from THEN, (it had seemed innocent at the time, then)...well, I was utterly speechless for about 20 minutes...just sat there numb when I saw those same water bottles on her website with her company logo...the SAME ones! And I realized he had lied to me 3 months ago...and had probably been seeing her since at least that long ago... I 'innocently' made a little call to her company and left a very sweet message requesting to make an appointment and consultation to get my make-up and hair done for my engagement photos with my fiancee (and gave 'his name' :-)....and wondered "if she could please call me back to schedule a time for me to come in as I was just so excited that he finally popped the 'question'...since we have been living together for that last 3 1/2 years". I also sent a request to add HER to MY she could see all the phtos of HIM & ME I was 'so thrilled about our plans to get married and we have been looking for a house together'. I made sure to mention HIS name a couple of times in 2 very nice, polite, innocent emails too, along with a cute pic of us attached. I knew that IF, by some chance, the email she had sent him at his work was some innocent mass mailing inviting him to see her pics on her facebook (as he tried to get me to believe...while he stammered and had a red face and acted 'caught'), along with others she had in her email address book...and she really didn't know him...then she would have cared less who we were (wouldn't have mattered what our names were, wouldn't ring a bell...wouldn't really know me or him...and she would have called back and made a consult appointment for my 'bridal beauty' hair & make-up consult as requested...coz that's what she does for a business...and making money and doing business would be the point...right??? Guess what,...I also knew that if she knew him personally, as I suspected she did (and that he was lying/cheating again, the yellow bellied SNAKE)...then when I mentioned his name, she would know he had been lying to HER too, and she would be pretty upset and mad at HIM...and she would NOT call me back or add me or reply to me...and if she didn't reply (or even have one of her other workers or receptionist call back) would prove she knew him all along! Right? Guess which one happened??? THAT'S RIGHT! She never replied to my voicemail (left 2 very nice ones), nor to my facebook friend request (though she did look at my pics of me and him I am sure...and she would see I was a pretty blond too and that we look very happy)...and she never replied to the 2 very nice innocent emails either. HE has been acting very strange and moody since then...almost sad and very quiet when he gets home from work since that day I sent those voicemails and emails to HER...yep! You can bet he got an earfull from HER! The BAST*RD!!! So, there's my answer! And I never had to yell or get all upset or accuse or anything (no private detective necessary)...just a few 'nice little voicemails and emails was all it took' to mess up his 'good thing' on the side. Actually I suspect he was cultivating a relationship with HER as she is more like me...and someone who he might just try to replace me with...which is what these guys ALSO do. They usually NEVER leave a relationship...unless they have someone else waiting for them. By the time your BF/husband is D&Ding YOU and it feels like he is preparing to dump can bet he already has another victim all lined up! I HATE the stuff he does. This gal lives in another province...but travels here frequently for weddings. How convenient. I wonder if she even knew about me before now? Possibly it was a shock to HER too. Or maybe she DID know...and he told her I was a wicked B*tch or something else untrue...or that he was going to leave me...whatever...These guys often have OW in long distance relationships who don't know about one another...let alone the GF/wife he has at home. This man has totally derailed my entre life in just about every way. Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Jul 29 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
hitandrun's picture

The Girlfriend...

You are brilliant!!! I hope I NEVER have to use your tactics, but I am filing them away just in case : ) Yes, they do derail us in every way. Scary.
Jul 30 - 9AM (Reply to #22)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

HA! Thanks HitandRun! I also just might send a follow up email..

with a copy of HER email that she sent to my Psycho BF 'Prince Charming' *copied & pasted* in it to let her know I had seen it...along with this message... "Hmmmm. didn't get a reply from you after mentioning the name of my BF, well, now I have my answer...GOTCHA!!! Please do not keep sending emails to my BF's place of work inviting him to add you to his friends list so he can see your personal pictures, or for any other reason. And please note that this man is NOT the 'Prince Charming' he first appears to be. Take it from me...I live with the lying cheating selfish cheap TOAD...and it's been a wild ride. You don't want this one...believe me...and also check him out on ' a guy section by typing in his what some of his OW have to say about him too." I probably would never send her this type of email or any other email(but it is fun to think about all the things I would like to say to her)...unless she continues to actively persue that case...if she wants another woman's man that badly...I might just wrap him up in gift wrap and ribbons and deliver him to her personally! She would deserve what she gets!...and good luck/good riddance to both of them. BTW, I noted that some of the gals mentioned something about their Narcs/pathologicals insisting they participate in an 'open relationship'. I do not have an open relationship with my psycho BF... He is just a serial cheater. He thinks the world at large is his playground and that he is the greatest gift to all womankind. Lock your doors ladies! :-) Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Aug 2 - 8AM (Reply to #23)
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

I am SO Blown Away by How Good They are at Cheating/Lying

The OW who sent my NP BF the email to be on her *Facebook Friends list* (she keeps her profile hidden and on private so you cannot find it via a search...she only 'invites' certain people to link with her) so he could see all her recent pics of herself...NEVER wrote back to me or answered a voicemail to make an appointment with her or another hairdresser/cosmologist at her company. If she didn't know my BF...she would have just thought I was another potential client...and replied...or had her receptionist reply to make an appointment for a consult to get my make-up and hair done with her 'Bridal Beauty' business...right?...So am I right for figuring out her non-response to me is because she knows EXACTLY who I am...and has now figured out my BF was stringing her along and lying to HER too? Anyway, just kinda wondering if I was drawing the right conclusions from all this. Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate!
Aug 2 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
almostlydia's picture

It was my experience that

It was my experience that depending on the status of the relationship some OW's wanted to know everything and would call to find out, esp the ones that were scratching their heads in confusion, then some were so enamored that they would confront him and then believe everything he said, and another just didn't want any more to do with the fu*ked up situation at all. So you'll have to wait it out and see what, if anything happens. Unfortunately this is the worst part - the curiosity and the waiting. Be careful not to play into his game of being the 'crazy ex gf'. Mine used that all the time and I played into it very easily in the beginning because he had made me crazy. What person doesn't go crazy when she finds out she's being cheated on? I swear you can never win for losing with these MF's.


Jul 29 - 7PM (Reply to #19)
almostlydia's picture

Somatic N or Sex Addict

Several years ago when I first started looking for answers as to how a person could have absolutely no concept of trust, just not get it at all, and could cheat so much when he was so absolute about not losing me, the first info I came up with was about sexual addiction. I read, read, read, and it all fit my life with him exactly. Eventually, I saw the word narcissist associated with sexual addiction and begin reading about that. But it wasn't until about 3 yrs later when I first found this site (recently) and listened to Lisa's radio show talking about somatic and cerebral N's did I even know that it was typical for an N. In all the reading I had done before there was never any mention of the somatic N. Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering what IS the distinction between the two? Or is there one? I would swear mine was a sex addict because his entire focus in life, everyday, was lining up his next pursuit and making sure he had it in place. He used the same people over and over again but I think he was always mindfu*king them so it was always a challenge to get them to succumb time after time. When he was trying to keep his promises, he actually tried to use me to fill in for all the nights he would've been with them. That only worked for about 2 wks at most. What I learned about sex addicts is that the experience has to get more and more risque and eventually spirals out of control. Most often they eventually lose everything. I'm just curious, did any of yours just seem to have to have it? Did their world revolve around the next pursuit? Mine wouldn't even go on long vacations because he couldn't be away from his pursuits that long. It was very similar to me going off for a week without my cigarettes- you know - that anticipated panic of withdrawal. Maybe it's not important but I'd like to know if this was how anyone else's N acted as far as all their cheating.


Jul 29 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
wholeagain's picture

Yes yes and yes

Exactly my experience. ExN was heavily sex addicted (intrigue being his biggest rush). And I've wondered about the differences, but I think he was just both and that sexuality was the biggest manifestation of his narcissism. But if you think about it, there are usually plenty of other areas where their N-ness shows up. He did go through recovery to some extent. When he went cold turkey it was awful, he was sick for a week. The thing is, even though he was better...there were still leaks and I still couldn't trust him. So much horrible damage was done, I thought I could get over it but I couldn't. He needed attention and admiration from pretty much everyone in one way or another. He loved male followers--that was ultimate dominance.
Jul 29 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
almostlydia's picture


Yes, there was no doubt about the N-ness elsewhere. However, having read so many stories here as to the verbal name calling and abuse, mine did very little of that. Certainly no more than I called him out of the insanity of the constant lying and betrayals. He would do all kind of 'little things' that, in his mind, was 'treating me right' if I could just ignore 'what he needed on the side'. Enough that I often wondered if I could have worked around the rest if the lying to betray didn't exist. But it did and it would never go away so there was no point in even considering it. And when thinking rationally, I knew he made me a much lesser person for all that I had to give up in order for everything to 'be about him'. After what I have read here, I almost feel like I got off easy in comparison. Just the same, the suspicion and doubt and knowing that he had to cheat and would do so was unbearable. Knowing that he was lying to my face and setting me up for the next 'booty call' was gut wrenching. He would go completely aloof when in the throes of one of his pursuits as if he completely forgot who I was and what I was to him. It outraged me in THE worst way. Then the next morning all was back to 'normal' except it wasn't for me. In the end it was the male followers that ultimately won out, for a lack of better words. There was definitely an underlying hate for women but there was also a definite homophobia. I wondered if he just 'hated' everyone and was out to dominate and have his will over everyone. I had never met a man in my life who demanded and needed blow jobs more than this man. I see it as quite common thread here amongst many of the exN's. I wonder if it was some ultimate form of domination in their minds. Which is funny to me because I always saw it as the complete opposite - I could end your sex life right here if I so decided to and take your ass out completely (if you know what I mean). Anyway, he found his ultimate supply in men. He was a powerful body builder and found himself to be quite popular among men. He actually told me one day that he had never considered himself all that attractive until now - and I knew what he was talking about. There is an endless supply of closeted gay men out there hiding behind wives and girlfriends who will keep his secrets. He hit the gold mine. He actually thought this was not cheating as most all of them do. I guess now its more of just a curiosity than anything else. A fascination with the depth of the disorders running rampant out there.


Jul 29 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32's picture

Emotional affair

I never got physical/romantic with my ex-Psychopath professor. We "went out" to things like concerts, lectures, and lunch, but it was definitely an emotional affair. "These guys often have OW in long distance relationships who don't know one another"-My ex-P professor had a long-distance relationship with an LA curator who I didn't know existed till I met her at a concert. He beat a hasty retreat, with the poor lady having to catch up with him. She had to run down the stairs to catch up with him;he didn't even wait for her, nor did he introduce her to his fellow professors after she introduced herself to me. I told his fellow professors, "He didn't tell me he already had a girlfriend." Yeah, making a quick retreat gave me the upper hand. Really classy. My ex-P NEVER told me he had a serious girlfriend in LA. He hoovered me and acted romantically interested in me AFTER I met the OW (so yes, I went NC, then skipped town) After I left, my ex-P married the OW and she had his kids. Whether or not they're still together, I don't know or care. My friends thought my ex-P gave off strong gaydar, so they were shocked when the girlfriend was revealed.
Dec 22 - 8AM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

The Need to Know

Thank you to everyone for your advice and information. Here's somthing else my N BF does that 'clued' me in that something was up...besides his extreme moodiness. He will watch a hockey or football game and turn the sound up really loud (if I am in another part of the house)...and then sneak with the phone in the bathroom and talk softly. After he talks to whoever he doesn't want me to know about...he then dials either his parent's number or his kids phone #...that way when I check the phone ID (which he has programed to only hold 1 # at a time) it appears he was talking to his parents or kids..I KNOW it is NOT his parents or kids he talks to first though...because he doesn't need to turn up the TV and go hide in the bathroom with the phone(and he doesn't call them at 10pm at night or 3 times a day)...I keep trying to catch him with who it is exactly...I figured out that he will usually encourage me to go downstairs (we live in a 3 story townhouse) and check my email while he watches the I know to sneak upstairs when he suddenly turns up the volume. HATE this! I know people keep asking me 'why' do I need to see proof of what I is a common question...but actually most women/men who have been cheated on have a need to visualize what their intuition 'knows'...probably to make certain it is it hurts so much and we don't want to believe it. I know my N BF is abusive and does bad things at least every other day...or more...and I already have reason to leave him...guess I truly want to catch him and have my 'moment' too where he KNOWS he has been caught...and can no longer pass everything off on me...and I can give him an ugly look and walk away. If you don't have the evidence in some are NOT armed and informed and therefore have less power over him (he can continue to deny and make you out to be the 'untrusting' one)...I want to reclaim some of my own power and dignity. Think of Elin Woods. Surely she must have 'suspected' something before she was able to prove it...exhibited by her going through his phone records and calling suspicious, fame, position matter who you are...there IS a need to KNOW and have proof of what your gut is telling you. It's human. It is easy for people to tell each other...he's a rotten guy and you know WHY do you need to know? Just walk away!...but you are always left wondering if the things he says about YOU are partially true...such as "you are just a jealous person" (NOT!!! BTW never have been jealous of any other woman) just can'trust me"... (umm NOPE! YOU just can't be trusted Buddie!)..."You are causing me to cheat with all your accusations I might as well DO it anyway) ...stupid thing to say as an excuse...and I have NEVER even accused him of cheating... I KNOW what he IS (lying cheating, abusive Narc)...but there is a fundamental need to see the it gets lost among all his acting out behaviors...his denials, his abuse...and even his 'promises'...and obviously his lies. I know it will hurt to have the proof in front of hurts worse for me 'knowing' what I know and him being able to deny it and call me names and put the oneous back on me as if suspecting what he is really up to is a very bad and wrong thing and that I am somehow a bad person for ever mistrusting 'such a wonderful amazing incredible man as he' thinks he is. He is always telling me how 'happy' I should be and how 'lucky' I should consider myself to have him as my there are so many women out there who would be 'happy' to have him...(yeccchhhh!) Perhaps it is also that I prefer absolute clarity and truth (evidence/proof)...something that is always lost in a relationship with a Nearcissist is TRUTH!!!...perhaps even MORE so than with any other type of person, because their whole lives are 'acted' out and a Narc is a walking LIE. His true self doesn't even exist. It's not so much that I don't want HIM to be able to lie to me, as I know he lies and always will...I want very much to no longer be able to LIE TO MYSELF!
Dec 22 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Once you get away and go

Once you get away and go TOTAL NO CONTACT... you'll be surprised how EASY it is to STOP LYING TO YOURSELF YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THE BRAINWASHING & NLP/ HYPNOSIS before you can really take in ANY sort of reality here. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 22 - 7AM
Marina (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The need to have evidence

Hmmm, you remind me of myself so much. I knew in my gut he was cheating. The signs were everywhere. Somatic narcissists (like mine) cheat in a massive way. There's only so much you can hide. Besides, they're so numb to the guilt of cheating that they don't bother to hide it as much as a normal person would. You can't help but know. That is what your gut is telling you. I knew even months into the relationship that something fishy was going on. Yet I reigned myself in, silenced my doubts, second guessed myself all because I wanted to be an "understanding" girlfriend. I didn't want to act like the crazy girlfriend. However, my gut refused to be silenced. I suffered from internal conflict. I knew he was cheating, yet I stopped myself from believing he was. I tried to make sense of everything he did and said. It drove me crazy. Mental rumination, or should I say mental ruination. Trying to make sense of anything about them will drive you CRAZY because they simply DON'T MAKE SENSE. Please for your sake, don't even attempt the impossible. Perhaps like you, I needed evidence. I tried to get evidence. My mental ruination led me down the wrong path.In search of evidence, I made some mistakes I didn't think I was capable of. I realize now that immaturity is contagious. Sure,I did get my evidence. Then I dumped him. But what did I get out of it? NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. I already knew way before having evidence that he was cheating. That should have been enough. Just cut your losses and move on. The undeniable proof of a betrayal is too painful. Why do you want that? You'll never feel safe with a narcissist. Life is too short to waste time with someone you can never really be free with. I just want to let go, be happy, and completely TRUST and TRUST IN my partner. Trust his words and actions as well as trust in him (his character and morality). Imagine what a healthy and mutually fulfilling relationship will be like It sounds like heaven doesn't it? Then why the hell do we struggle against losing the Ns??? Something somewhere loves us enough to free us from the pathological. I know it's not easy. I know sometimes it seems impossible. That's why we need to fight a good fight so we can be free of the chains that bind us and direct us to what is good for us. Someday we'll feel whole and happy again if we commit to recovery enough and if we CHOOSE to be free and happy. I'm learning to be happy on my own. This helped me realized that despite my thinking I loved him, I was miserable the entire time I was with him (except during the idealization phase). I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY. No bullshit. No drama. No trust u
Dec 21 - 9PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

USE Your Woman's Intuition...

We are wired to have that in it!
Dec 21 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17's picture

Why are you with this guy?

You don't trust him. You believe he would lie to you. You believe he would have another woman. Isn't that enough? What's he got that you want so badly to live which such doubts? And if you had proof, what would you do with that information? Confront him? Why bother? He may deny & come up with some reasonable explanation & you would still think he was lying. You don't trust him. Without trust there is no relationship.
Dec 21 - 5PM
alfrebob's picture

I caught him cheating loads of times

There are a few times that come to mind. We had been together for 5 months at this stage. We went for a drink and then I had to go home. He gave me the keys to his house to go and get my dog who had been left there while we were out. The dog had emptied his bin over the floor and there were copies of emails from a woman with a raunchy picture. They were lovely dovey emails. I went back to the pub, threw the keys at him and told him to check his bin. I got home and signed into his email account and found that they had been exchanging loving emails for several weeks and were planning to meet. I then emailed her and told her to keep away from my boyfriend. I confronted him about it. He went beserk. WAIT FOR IT........ He said that he had been recruited by a television show to infiltrate a Russian Bridal Internet scam and now because of me they had cancelled his contract and he had lost £5000!! and NO he did not have a copy of the contract and NOW he had lost £5000!!!!!!.......... I stayed with him!!!!! On another occassion I joined an internet dating site under a false name and made arrangements to go on a date with my own boyfriend!!!!!..........He said he knew it was me!! .... I stayed with him!!!! I could tell you loads of stories like this. There were loads of them. Yet I still got engaged to him, bought a house with him and had his baby.........HOW STUPID AM I???
Dec 21 - 4PM
The Girlfriend ...
The Girlfriend of Dr Jekyl's picture

Forgot to add...

Forgot to add...that on Friday morning, after I had returned home after being apart for one night on Thursday, our bed was made as if he hadn't slept in it...almost too a woman made I have lived with him for over 2 years now and know how messy he makes the bed...he just plops the pillows on and semi-pulls up the comforter...but leaves things all wrinkled and hanging crooked...the bed was made evenly and without wrinkles and things a little too much in their someone else had been there... If he is cheating again, it must be with someone who doesn't mind that he is in a relationship, as his & my photos are on the fireplace mantle and in our room on the dresser...and my girlie things, make-up, etc. is in the bathroom. So she must be aware he lives with a can she do that? Be with a man who she knows is cheating on another woman? It is so hurtful. Last year I came home after being gone for a weekend, and found a pink razor in the shower that was not mine. (I don't have a pink one). His excuse? It was an 'old razor' left by his 'old' GF and he 'must've left it there in the shower when he had to use it. (I had been living with him for almost 6 months when this occured, and there was NEVER a pink razor ANYWHERE, not in a drawer or anywhere else before WTF??? Nothing left behind by some 'old GF'...unless it was the old GF who had been there when I was away for the weekend. He NEVER shaves in the shower...NEVER...and he has his own Gillette Razor for 'manly men' (the BOZO) in the BR drawer....that was just one of the 'clues' as to what he was probably up to. If you read my story you can see there have been MANY clues! I feel like I have been so stupid and foolish. His cheating has actually caused me to feel if I am less than the OW he cheats with. And it has hurt SO much!
Aug 9 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Lim's picture


I, too, was the OW. Not only did he have his wife, he had his mistress (me), and he was pursuing other supply sources all along. I had proof. One of the women even verbally told me they had s*x while we were together and I still forgave him! He could sell a drowning woman a glass of water. They want you to believe that you are the one and only and will say whatever it takes for you to believe it. They slowly erode you of all of your dignity and self-worth and make you believe that what your gut is telling you isn't real. In reality, they are the fakes.
Aug 9 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
Lim's picture

Cheating 2

In fact, his wife walked in on us at their house (in the middle of the day in the middle of nowhere) having lunch and she still didn't believe anything was going on. She told him "if something were to have happened, it would by now." Had she showed 15 minutes earlier, there would have been no denying it. I was on top of him n@ked in her bed! He has her so brainwashed and void of any confidence or self-esteem. I was the lucky one and got out. She still has him.
Aug 9 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
betty2020's picture

Yes you are the lucky one

Yes you are the lucky one glad you see that. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Dec 21 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture


Thank you for making me realise why it was so important for me to have proof, because I had ceased to trust myself. I never knew why I spent so long 'stuck' in that phase. I have been out of my relationship with my violent ex partner for over five years, however I know he cheated, not because I ever caught him in the act, but because after I left him everything became clearer the more distance I got. I used to write down all the little things when I was living with him. I never had proof, I just had a whole load of little things, but the more distance you get the more these things seem to make a picture. I hope that makes sense. It's like right now you are collecting pieces of a puzzle. However something else has also come back to me in reading your post. My guy was so crazy he somethimes used to do the types of things you have described just to see if I would react. For e.g the bed. Maybe he just made it like that himself on purpose to make you think he slept with someone else. The same with the razor! Narcs love games, they love having control. He will know you will be looking for clues of his cheating based on his past behaviour, so even if he sat and watched TV on his own while you stayed at your apartment, he may well have 'planted' the glass and the neatly made bed. At the very least he's got your attention focused away from you and on to him, but more than that if you say anything, i.e. you take the bait, he has exactly what he wanted, a reason to get mad, a reason to tell you are paranoid, jealous, insecure etc, then of course when he really is unfaithful that will be your fault, 'you drove him to it with your insane jealously and your checking up on him!' My guy was a real headcase. He left a blue flannel in the bathroom once and when I ignored it he said your beige flannel must have got in with my jeans, its gone blue. It wasn't even my flannel (the label was a make I had never bought) and it looked brand new. I remember looking at it and thinking about the hair grips he left in the kitchen on a previous occasion and the time one hooped earring was on the floor, my side of the bed. No woman would be that daft! I looked at the flannel and I thought, 'you know I really don't give a damn', either you're cheating, or you're really sad and either way I don't want to be here. I deserve better.' That was the start of me realising I had no anger left. I felt completely ok with it. That made it easier to walk away. Maybe rather than investing energy in prooving what you, deep down, already know, do as someone else here suggested, 'run and think about why you ran later'. The best way to trust yourself again is to get out, surround yourself with decent people who mirror the decent parts of you that he will have tried to rubbish or eradicate. You will be amazed at how soon his behaviour looks so totally insane. Everything he has accused you of, is who he really is - it is all projection. Hope this helps!
Dec 21 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
baddream's picture


I knew for the longest time he was leading a double life. I was the OW and he had a girlfriend all along. We had a long distance relationship, and when he moved, he moved away with the gf, and still pretended she did not exist. I always suspected but every time I confronted him he explained it away. I always knew in my "gut" but came up with very creative ways to make myself believe him (although inside I never really did). So I ended up lying to myself, and hurting myself by denying the truth. With N, accepting the truth is often harder than accepting the lies because once I had the truth staring at me in the face I needed to do the hard work of accepting what he really was, that the entire relationship had been based on all lies, and he was just a pretend guy. It sounds like you already know the truth about your boyfriend. The hard work is now ahead of you and that is accepting the reality and doing something about it. What is the next step going to be? Will you confront him? Will you stay? I know exactly where you are right now-- sounds like you are still trying to convince yourself it might not be true. I tried to rationalize for a long time why my ex-N was cheating on me. I tried to understand why he needed another woman, I even felt compassion for him, for a time. Really sick, the games he played with my head. I hope you can find the strength and move on. It is a very hard thing to do.
Dec 21 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
Amazed's picture

How the N puts the burn on with Cheating and Double Life

Yeah, they will do this right under your nose, get to know you so well that they fake you out. The signs you all note here are OBVIOUS SIGNS OF CHEATING!!!! It is just the tip of the iceberg!! The razor,,head on clue!! You know it in your heart, but since the "evidence" the OW isn't sitting there in her undies looking you in the face, you discount it, and "overlook it" We are PRONE to do this because of the BRAINWASHING they do to us. We deny, and forgive/forget BEFORE IT REALLY REGISTERS. All our the stories here, the wine glass, the bed being made, are all the tell tales signs of cheating. Need to look at them for who they are and move on!!! My ex N had like 4 bottles of different shampoos in his bathroom. He has 2 daughters,,but noticed one day another set of shampoo/conditioner. I thought,,this is odd, his daughters are NOW using this kind of shampoo,,,, It didn't occur to me when i eventually spoke with the OW and she actually asked me if I noticed her shampoos in the bathroom. I told her yes I did!! We laughted about it. Well the N deluded her into thinking that I was bu---sh--t and she FORGOT all the proof and stories we had discussed. And is back with him. HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT. Get away from these loosers before they take more of YOUR life away from you. Like was so astutely mentioned in the above post,,,the will do anything to get you OFF OF THINKING about YOURSELF and thinking only about them. Terrible recipe for disaster!!!! Get out!!!! You have enough prooof!!!!!
Dec 21 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


if you catch him then what? confront him? you think that will CHANGE HIM? GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 22 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
destiny (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I received an email listing

I received an email listing all his OW. He made someone angry and thus they told me. I of course knew of all of them and suspected all...MY Narc wasnt too smart of covering his tracks and used an online forum to find his victims. The tricky thing with me was we werent technically together when he was having relations with these OW, but what he was doing was playing with my mind. I remember one time I called him late one nite and I heard he was on his other line. He claimed he was calling me at the same time (ahaha) i was onto him..and brought it up two days later and he denied it yet again. (supposedly it was some abused woman that needed him and he had to keep her secret) oddly enough most knew her secret, so I found out later. What did I do when I found out...well XN and I were in the process of getting back together when the news hit my he pleaded for me to take him back and I did. at the time it looked like the one OW was nutzo(of course she wasnt) I found out after our V-day date he was on the phone with her, and not the friend he claimed to be on the line with. (another instance he didnt answer his call waiting) When we got back together...well I could never trust him again...and he was on high alert..he told me he wouldnt give me the satisfaction of me finding out he had an OW so he wouldnt talk to a woman other than me. I think that was true this go around..but like all Narcs he couldnt stay faithful , so I was dumped...I think for the same woman I was last Dec. I guess my point in my post just know...deep down you know. I knew last Dec he was up to something and dumped him.. It sure felt good to get the proof of everything, but it doesnt erase the fact that when it actually happened he made me doubt myself and not trust myself. I was right all along. He fears me now..I know way too much and have the ability to find out info on him no matter how much he hides. “It's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.”