Obsessing over him and his new girlfriend

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#1 December 1, 2009 - 2:20pm

Obsessing over him and his new girlfriend

My ex fits all the criteia for a narcissist to the highest level. I did not realise until I ended it. I did not see the red flags..... two previous wives with court orders against him, 3 kids that hate him and have no contact, no friends and he nearly destroyed me. I thought he loved me and I was different...I done all the things his ex would not do that made him unhappy.

I lost everything to him, money, my home and car. Nearly lost my kids (from a previous relationship) as social services said they would be put on at risk register if I did not end relationship. I met with him again....he loved me, wanted to make amends, he has made a big mistake..... same old thing. I got pregnant. I could not continue relationship or risk losing baby. That's when his full narcissistic vindictiveness really did come into play. He nearly destroyed me emotionally never mind financially. All I wanted was for him to change and be a good dad to our baby.

Instead he met another woman on the internet. Within 6 weeks she moved 100 miles to live with him. Gave up her job and left her grown sons and family behind. He bought a business with the money he conned out of me and took her on board as his assistant. Meanwhile he contacted my job so many times with false allegations that it became too difficult for me to work there. I am now jobless with his child.

This woman has now lived with him for one year and emails abuse to me about how nasty I am not to let him see his son, that I am an unbalanced vicious human being etc etc. She has said he has changed and that it is being with the right woman that has done that. She says she has encouraged him to view things more objectively.

I have told her everything he has done but she says it is history and all she cares about is the man she is with now!!

This really hurts me and I obsess constantly..... every day from morning to night.... about them being happy together. Him being the changed man for her. Can this really be true?

December 3, 2009 - 7:30am

Hell no! Someday she will be

Hell no! Someday she will be eating her words. And they will be sour in her mouth.

People believe the truth they need at the time.

December 2, 2009 - 6:12pm

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!

She DOES NOT, CANNOT make him happy!

She is NOT SPECIAL, Alfrebob!

She is NOT better than you in any way, she IS NOT the 'right' woman for him, NO WOMAN is!!!

My exNH lives with OW who thinks she is 'special' but she isn't!

He has two ex-wives (me included) and at least two other ex-live-in partners he discarded, our sons despise him, he has no friends, he almost destroyed me emotionally and financially and OW thinks she can handle him!

Like you, I have had abuse from OW, saying I am crazy, horrible, prevent him from seeing his children etc etc (all lies) and that she is different because she 'can handle' him!

However, I have seen something that all of us who have obsessed about our ex narcs being happier with OW would love more than anything to see....I have seen PROOF that he abuses her too!!

My ex brother in law showed me a couple of text messages that OW had sent him complaining about my exNH's abuse of her!!

I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was to be validated like that - to have PROOF that despite his crazy-making and his smear campaign against me (which OW had colluded in) - that it was NOT me, it was always him and it will always be HIM!

You, your ex and your ex's latest supply are no different.

And if I hadn't seen the PROOF with my own eyes, I might still have a tiny doubt too.

But if my exNH can abuse the OW who he had described to me as "wonderful, perfect, amazing, everything you are not" etc etc (his cruelty was unspeakable), then your ex can and DOES abuse HIS new supply.

I promise you, it is true!

PS OW knows that I know about the abuse but she said she doesn't care; that I obviously abused him too, whereas she doesn't(!) and that they love each other...! hahhahaha

Yeh, right!


December 14, 2009 - 4:25pm (Reply to #15)

Thanks for your support

Thank you so much for this support. Reading it gives me so much strength. I am in a really bad place at the moment. A really dark tunnel and I cannot see the light.

I have just been to see my therapist and cried so much. My head just cannot get it. I need something so badly to make me understand that there was nothing I could have done to make things better.

I had made myself believe that they had ended because the last abusive email, although from her email address, was definitely sent by him and she probably doesn't even know.

Now just gone on to Facebook and both their profiles popped up which had not happened before and they are still both together. I just don't get it!

He abused two previous wives before me plus 5 children, his three and my two. New GF tells me that it is her insistence on his honesty and admitting his mistakes and her getting him to look at things more objectively that has brought them to where they are today.

Yet he writes to me and says he has moved on and found happiness and acceptance and that I need to look at my part in the relationship. I offered him supervised access to our toddler but he won't take it. Only wants to see our son if he meets with me and she is pushing for that also. When I say no he is nasty to me. On his terms or nothing.

I have now told them both that I will report them to the police if they contact me again and they haven't.

My head just does not understand why she is so adamant that he has changed but yet with me, the mother of his son, he wants things on his terms only or he loses it. He would rather walk away from his son than see him at a contact centre. If he has changed so much why can he not accept that he has done wrong and build relationship with his son slowly, safely and to my wishes?

I would love to have proof like you did that he is abusing her, it would really help me to sort my head out. Not that I want to have another woman abused but she has been really nasty to me.

December 14, 2009 - 7:12pm (Reply to #16)


Alfrebob, please know that you are not alone.
I know what you are going through as do most other members on this forum.

I too have been in that black place and cried until there was nothing left.
I have obsessed and cried and obsessed and cried.

I have gone from not wanting the OW to go through what he put me through, to simply not caring what happens to her because she has been so horrible, so smug and up her own a**e, sneering at me and thinking she is better than me.

The thought that she may have made him happier than I did or that he was 'normal' with her, drove me crazy.

For the first few months after he went to live with her, he didn't bother to contact our children. I heard that they were so 'in love' - I nearly lost it.

But then he tried to come back. He tried to cheat on her with me. I tried to warn her but he denied it and she didn't believe me - she told me I was nuts!

If I allow myself to think about her, I feel enraged. But you know something? I don't want him back. At the same time as feeling furious (jealousy? dunno) about him being with her, I PANIC every time he tries to worm his way back here and then I want him to stay with her so that he cannot slope back!

So ask yourself Alfrebob - if he came to you now behind this OWs back and said that if you would have him back, he would leave her - would you really, truly, take him back?

I don't think so. You know it wouldn't work, you KNOW that.

And however long it takes, she WILL be treated like dirt too, eventually (if not already - you don't know what goes on behind closed doors - my exNH treated me appallingly for YEARS before I admitted it to anyone).

Don't forget too that most classic narcs CANNOT live alone, they HAVE to have someone. So if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. She IS NOT SPECIAL, SHE HAS NOT CHANGED HIM, HE HAS NOT CHANGED HIMSELF FOR HER.

He is with her because she supplies him. She is his fuel. That's all. That IS ALL she is to him. He looks at her and he DOES NOT SEE A HUMAN BEING, he sees his blood bank!

If you must cry Alfrebob, cry for her and for the victims who will follow her. She'll run out of blood eventually.



December 15, 2009 - 2:26am (Reply to #17)

To Clover18

Thanks for your support. I can see it for others on here but not for myself. I loved him so much and I miss all the good times ( there were a few). I had two children who are 19 and 15 now. I now have a 2 year old for him. He said that was what he wanted. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, he lost it and screamed two inches from my face to abort it as I was not worthy to be the mother of his child. Yet 6 months before I was worthy enough to sell my family home and put all the money into a joint house with him.

I refused to abort so two weeks later he met someone else on line. With her throughout my pregnancy.Kept texting me constantly that if I did not abort he would send me over the edge and get the baby taken into care. WWhen I said I would do it then he then called me a murderer with bllod on my hands. Could not win.
This woman then finished with him two weeks before I gave birth. Yet met with him sometimes during my pregnancy.

Then made me and the kids homeless, took £30,000 from me and all our furniture when baby born. Then meets this new woman and moves her in with him after 6 weeks. She thinks she has a dream guy!!!!

BTW We have the same name.

Sandra x

December 15, 2009 - 7:55am (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture



The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem

Visit My Abuse Website

December 1, 2009 - 6:49pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


remind him email constitutes legal service

print out and save EVERYTHING to and from him.

hire a lawyer ASAP

no contact centre, no visitation

then tell him unless he wants to discuss time, date, etc for a contact center... do not write you are you are turning all emails over to a lawyer.

Then do NOT RESPOND to him at all until you get an attorney on board.


The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

December 1, 2009 - 4:55pm

Yes - maybe! She just might

I know because I see it here all the time that it must be terribly hard not to believe that they are happy and really it was our shortcomings that failed the relationship.

Just assume the worst. You know what you know about him and if there is a poor soul out there who will stick with him forever, well just have pity on her - how lost she must be.

December 1, 2009 - 3:36pm
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


First, I am so glad you're not with this creep anymore. I'm sorry what you've been through. I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but this is definitely what's BEST for you and your children.

As far as the OW goes, let me tell you...I heard some sob stories from my ex, especially over an ex GF who he had a child with. He had me believing she was a total nutcase, and was very vindictive in her pursuit to keep him from his child. It broke my heart to hear the stories, and because I "loved" him, I shared his pain and even cried about it.
This is NOT to make you feel sorry for this woman, but to show you what kind of mind-zap they can do in order to gain sympathy for themselves. The only thing I can say, is give it time, she'll be in "what the hell happened" la-la land like we've all been. This is probably the most common question I see, "how come the new woman is treated so great?" It's an illusion...they can't magically change. She's just the next victim.

In the meantime, as in anyone who tries to hurt you like this, BLOCK her...no contact.

December 1, 2009 - 4:15pm (Reply to #10)
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


My exN would tell gf I wouldn't allow him to see the kids & would lay on the couch about how vindictive i was. She said she couldn't believe i was such a bitch to use the kids like that...she said she would tell him,"lets go get them fir the weekend" & he'd drop the subject! He didn't want them, he just wanted her pity!...Now she knows the other side of the story! When we both found him out & both had him cornered, he tried to convince us that "thats not what I said" or "thats not how it happened!"...Still trying to convince each of us that what we knew "was not the truth!". WTF?!!! Trying to make us think we were crazy. (ex: He told me he didn't spend xmas with her when he did & tried to convince her that HER that he didn't!!! WTF????!!! By this time, we were sooo on to him, he had no choice but to bail out & look for new supply, which he has. (She's completely inlove with him).

December 1, 2009 - 4:42pm (Reply to #11)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Wow, they have absolutely no shame. Using kids like that...but not surprising.

I'm sure that was at least validating that he got caught by the both of you. And of course he tried to back-peddle with the good-old rewriting history technique!

My ex didn't like to talk about what happened with him because it was too 'hurtful'. One time, I felt so bad and brought it up. I asked about pursuing visitation, etc. He was very annoyed because his attitude was 'didn't you think I've tried everything already!!?'
So yes, pity and baby them, but don't try to come up with some solutions...just like every other damn thing with an N. They just don't like when we call them on their bluffs, do they?

December 1, 2009 - 3:07pm
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Same ol story...

My N said the same thing to me. "My new gf brings out the best in me!" After she dumped him & she & I became "texting friends", she said, "If i brought out the best in him, I'd sure hate to see his worst!!!" Now he has another gf & says the same about her! They are such conartists & liars, they can't even keep up with their own lies!

December 1, 2009 - 2:27pm

Blimey she really is in deep

Blimey she really is in deep with the brainwashing.................. all going to go horribly wrong, always will..... he's nasty and will repeat his abusive behaviour. He is incapable of change, it's never going to happen, the only thing that will happen is, he will abuse her too.

Ending the dance

December 1, 2009 - 5:11pm (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture



The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

December 1, 2009 - 6:37pm (Reply to #3)

I have called his bluff

Thank you all for your support. I have, after much emailing from him and her, offered him contact at a supervised contact centre. Then he comes back with reasons why this would not be acceptable.... my son would be upset, I may not turn up, contact centre is a humiliating place for him etc etc. He does not want contact at all but just to get her sympathy and torment me. To make matters worse the GF sends emails saying exactly the same reasons why contact centre is not appropriate and what a vicious, unbalanced person I am.
I say 'Take me to court then' and she says he can't afford to plus he does not want to have to rake over the past and that I need to be reasonable!!

How is she managing to live with him all this time yet I could not do it?

December 1, 2009 - 6:47pm (Reply to #4)

I want his new GF to suss him out

I feel that the only thing that will make me feel better is when his new GF contacts me to say 'You were right and I am sorry'

In the meantime all I see is that she is experiencing all the good side of him and it is very painful for me.

December 2, 2009 - 7:42am (Reply to #6)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I know

she is experiencing all the good side of him and it is very painful for me.

However the good side of them is a fake, remember that like he was to us. She will also see his moods, and all the other shit that comes with this disorder. The GF is the part of the recovery that has held me up, dont go there, try to let it go it was eat you alive remember their disorder and what they truly are that helps

December 2, 2009 - 7:47am (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

pretend guy

she is experiencing all the good side of him and it is very painful for me

There is no "good side" - that's a lure... not real. PRETEND GUY. And he doesn't exist other than to lure in new victims for a while.


The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem

December 1, 2009 - 10:21pm (Reply to #5)
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


It will happen. Give it time. Sooner or later, it will happen. It happened before you, it happened with you, & it will happen after you. No one in this universe is ever going to meet their fantasy expectations....

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