Klarity Belle's Story

I have 2 daughters with an N, they are 11 and 12, the relationship was over by the time the youngest was 9 months old, I threw him out then after affair no 8.

It's a fairly typical N story, I met him when i was vulnerable and he flattered, charmed, pursued etc until he got me to commit (thankfully I never married him). I got pregnant and then he kept his facade going until D1 was born. After that he would spend inordinate amounts of time on the internet looking at porn, gave up his job to go in to very low paid care work and showed no interest in family life. I was tired and becoming depressed but found out I was pregnant again. On D2's due date he was out at an office party and had sex with a young girl from his work in an alley-way but I didn't find this out until further down the line.

I have struggled with PTSD & severe depression ever since though I am now in long term therapy to deal with childhood issues and I am emotionally stronger now than I have ever been before.

Over time I slowly rebuilt my life and learned to refuse to take on his continued verbal abuse which is still attempted to this day. I keep low contact speaking only when necessary about the children. He has never contributed financially to the girls upbringing costs (save food and shelter when with him). I am in a financially secure position and so I knew fairly early on to give up pursuing this as his bad moods over my 'audacity' would only affect the girls or he would try and use them as pawns in some way. He only liked the showy side of fatherhood, to be seen at the park with his cute children and for everyone to praise and admire what a great dad he was. This was all fine when they were younger and to me he was just a glorified babysitter but it did give me much needed time to myself.

Of course the girls are now hitting puberty and developing minds of their own, they have their own time schedules with homework and friends etc and this does not fit in with him. In recent times he has been taking his moods and rages out on them and shaming them for minor issues. he gave the youngest hell for a bed wetting problem she is thankfully now over. Basically now they aren't adulating him anymore because they are walking on eggshells whenever they are with him, he is starting to rage more and more. They do not want to spend time at his home any more and it is so hard for me to send them when I know they are getting emotionally neglected and abused.

He married 2 years ago and his wife now has a young baby who just turned 1. I have now learned that the same patterns have emerged in their relationship - porn, fetishes and other women. it is just a matter of time before she 'wakes up' and gets the hell out of there. She is from another part of the country and has a large family there, of course I can't predict anything but my hunch is she will take the baby and run there eventually and I wouldn't blame her for that.

While their relationship was in honeymoon phase, it was ok for the girls, of course step mum is a basically caring lady, another poor unsuspecting fly in his trap. Now the cracks have appeared and wife isn't giving him his supply, he is becoming increasingly possessive and clingy with our girls. Last week they were sick, the youngest had swine flu but he insisted she was just 'playing the symptoms up' to her mother to get out of going for dinner with him and D2 one night he made her feel guilty for not going.

The writing is on the wall. He has wrecked another woman's life and when she goes taking baby with her all hell is going to break loose and my girls are going to be in the direct firing line. He doesn't affect me directly any more but he affects my girls and that in turn affects me. He's had breakdowns in the past and even admitted himself to a psychiatric unit once for 'intrusive thoughts'. It sounds cruel but a breakdown is what I want to happen to him so that he has to leave here too and go back to his family of origin in another part of the country. He may be father to my girls but I think they would be better off with one loving and learning to be stable mother than have his abuse and bad behaviour continuously affect them during these crucial adolescent years.

I am here to learn ways to protect my children and empower them with methods they can use to deal with their N father. I want to prevent them from going over there if it becomes too unhealthy an environment and I need to be prepared about what to expect if I set that boundary with him.

Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any tips on how to protect and survive it? Any experienced wisdom would be gratefully appeciated. Klarity B