JusticeSeeker's story

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#1 Nov 25 - 5PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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JusticeSeeker's story

I left my Narcissistic Ex for good about a month ago. I tried about 7 times before to leave him. I have loved and known him for 20 years. 20 years ago, all I could see "different" in him was his constant bad mood and impatience. I just put up with it...it didn't really bother me. I lost contact with him for about 4 years, he is a government employee overseas and had left the military.

So, he was all over the place and I had a life to live. Two years ago, he found me (which I later discovered he paid $$$$ to find me) and sent me an e-mail. We picked up where we left off, almost like nothing had changed. WRONG...he changed. He was more hurtful, less supportive, more brutal with his opinions and finally started with the asking me for web cam pictures, sex stories and phone sex. I was horrified the first time he just out and texted me about what he wanted to do to me. I didn't see that behavior surfacing until it was too late.

Being the gentleman that he thinks he is (barf!), he told me he had 2 other women interested in him as well. I told him he wasn't getting any intimate stuff from me unless he was with me and me only. He NEVER asked me to date him, never told me anything about his feelings....he only told me what he wanted to do to me sexually, which was more or less raping me without physically doing so. My stomach would be sick and I would cry. I lost my job because I was so sick I couldn't think straight.

Oddly, when I told him I had always loved him and I didn't want to do those things, he got worse and basically called me an untrustworthy slut. I would lay the phone down when he started talking nasty. He would IM me and start telling me the same nasty stuff...always sexual perversion and always nasty. He is obsessed with pornography. Right out of the blue, literally, one weekend, I called him and told him I couldn't take anymore of being his personal "sex toy" and I was scared he would never love me for other reasons and that he was going to use me and leave me. His response "I decided today that you have hooked the fish... now you have to reel him in slowly"???? HUH? He wanted to be with me.

The very next day, I sent him an e-mail asking him if I could come over to Europe to stay with him for awhile and we could work on things. I knew in my heart that I was compromising my boundaries, my pride, my self esteem and my self worth. I couldn't let him go. Once he read my e-mail, he went absolutely NUTS. He did not want me over there....period. I couldn't figure out what I had done for him to be so mean. I just blew up at him and told him off....it had been months of his lies, manipulations and insults.

The same day, he told me I had lost him and that it would be a very long time before "we" would try that again. He said I was moving too fast and he lied, lied, lied. It is ok for him to sexually "rape" me everyday, but when I wanted to work on the relationship, I was going too fast.

Here is the ultimate knife through my heart... he has been stalking me for the past 20 years and I never knew he was around. He admitted that he had watched me in the shower and such a couple of times (we were only friends then). He admitted to paying people to find me...so I think he has always known exactly where I was. About a year before he came back into my life, I was being followed for months. I couldn't figure out who it was. Once he was back into my life, the following escalated and he began to call and hang up on my phone and also sit in silence on the phone after I answered. I confronted him last month about the phone calls and having me followed... the jerk changed his screen name, refuses to talk to me and has absolutely disappeared off of the face of the earth. The phone calls and following have since completely stopped. This man said the following things to me: "once I get my hands on you, you are mine", "I have a box of duct tape in my basement with your name on it", "remember, I never have said or done anything bad to you", "the Police will never catch him (the one following me)", "it is hard to become a lover of someone I consider to be my sister" (AFTER he started talking nasty to me, he said this) and one of my favorites..."if you stray too far, I know how to get you back"....how nice. He had me under his spell... brainwashed and accepting his abuse.

There is so much more to this story. But, I have shared most of it. This man is a psychopath. He is a sexually driven narcissist who will always keep me looking over my shoulder. I don't think I will ever get rid of him. H

e always told me I was "special, not just another woman who had been in his life". What a crock of crap.

12-4-09

I decided to add to my story. After reading through posts here, I can find better words to describe what my Ex N did. Not only was he the master of deceit and the silent treatment, but he had Projection down to a science. He lived for opportunities to place his ugliness onto me. In the end, this is what made me so physically sick that I lost my job. He constantly accused me of doing things and being things that were just not true. He accused me of being everything from a liar to a stalker! He actually accused me of stalking him one time "You don't love me, you are stalking me" is what he said when he was mad at me for calling him out on another woman.

He started telling me I was untrustworthy, unbalanced and told me that I lied. Usually, I got slammed with his rage when I called him out on a lie or on his stories that didn't match up.

I still cry and get sick to my stomach (today is one of those days) when I think of all the hateful things he said to me. It is perfectly clear now that he wanted for me to suffer. He has a sadistic streak toward me. One day he wanted me with him and the next day I was a mean spirited and lying b****. Overnight, he was someone else. Before I ended it, he actually was telling me that from one day to the next I was the one that was changing "moods and thoughts". Projection is a dangerous part of dealing with these men. Often, I think it cuts deep into your view of yourself and damages your self-worth...my Ex started getting more and more evil every day. Sick.

Dec 5 - 1AM
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Projection

Yes, JusticeSeeker, that is the ironic poison. Everything they are; evil, liars, deviants, bloodsuckers, will be eventually explained in a face-to-face conversation by an N. However, you will be portrayed as their abuser and they will be the poor victim. The problem is, victims usually are traumatized and are in tears and need someone else (like a counselor) in the room to feel comfortable expressing such horrible acts done upon them. N will be confident and would never allow someone else to be present. Don't fall for this crap. When is the last time you spied on a man while taking a shower? Although my N is of the intellectual type, he still only wanted me to open my mouth to service his member. Sex was not interesting to him unless there was a digital camcorder involved. How many times have I watched the "movies" we made in the past? Never. How many times did he? Well, I finally had to delete everything I could find. After a while, I realized, I am not that good and if I were, I'd be a pornstar. He wasn't interested in ME, he was interested in HIS performance. Eww. I think this "quasi-sociopath" disorder to be the worst luck we can ever come to know. TY for your support...I am here for you, too.
Dec 5 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I appreciate all the support I receive

I still hurt a lot from day to day. The reality of trusting in years of lies has devastated me. I feel like a slut sometimes. I hated listening to him and reading his nasty crap. I was afraid I would lose him if I didn't at least try to be what he wanted. What was I thinking? I was blind. I guess he preyed on the part of me that was loyal to him and loved him. Now I wonder if he has nude photos of me or has videotaped me without my knowledge. I will never know unless he posts them somewhere. He tried to get me to agree, willingly, to do things on webcam...I refused. Sometimes, I don't think I will ever get better. The pain runs deep. My self image is shot. In time, I just hope I will be ok again.
Dec 5 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

If it helps at all

I, too, feel like I am a shell of a human being...I have lost everything. I feel ashamed, worthless, ugly...I smoke a pack a day, drink a pint of vodka a day, I have no job, my family has given up on me...look, I have nothing to even grab onto! BUT, there is one thing, after reading and learning about N's and their victims, that I think is the light at the end of the tunnel. We were chosen by an N because we have something very, very special that they so badly wanted to steal from us. We are strong, shining, and unbreakable! We are the opposite of them and what they found as desirable in us, EVERYONE else feels is desirable about us! The N is just mentally sick. We shoudln't feel foolish or bad about trusting, and empathsizing, and loving another living creature unconditionally! I plan on being the exact same way I have always been, but slightly wiser to the abnormal personality disordered persons in the future. Try not to dwell on the pain, the embarassment, the humiliation...I don't think we need to deal with that as much as we need to focus on becoming the person we were the day RIGHT before we met the N. I'm here for you.
Dec 5 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

.I smoke a pack a day, drink a pint of vodka a day, I have no job, my family has given up on me this is BAD are you seeing a therapist? are they aware you are doing this? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara -

I can't afford therapy right now, I can barely afford food. I plan on attending some AA meetings when I get my unemployment check (my car is out of gas)...believe it or not, my family has turned their back on me since being with the N. Even though I have moved out, finalized my divorce and have made the decision to never have contact with him again, they still perceive me as "weak" and not ONE of my family members has even made an effort to show any support. I never even thought about this until I read your post. I'm pissed. How should I approach this? My family has been all about "tough love"...how do I explain I am dealing with an N?
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

you may have to go no contact on your family - because they sound like the type of people who couldn't handle it all anyway... there's LOADS of options for not being able to afford therapy: - call your local DV Crisis Center and tell you'd like to join a group... sometimes just sitting there, listening and sharing, can be very powerful. And being IN PERSON makes it even more powerful. - contact Catholic Charities in your area (you do NOT have to be Catholic) and tell them you're just out of an abusive relationship and can't afford but NEED counseling... usually you can see someone on a sliding scale or free. Try these 2 things. Face to face or in-person interaction of some sort is a MUST here. If neither of these work out, let me know... but don't do NOTHING - permanent PTSD is a bear to deal with (I know from experience) and that's what you'll end up with. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OK Barbara

I trust your advice and I HAVE to find support...in a strange way, NC with my family makes sense. I've been labeled a DV victim by the courts here in my county for years...maybe it's time I take them up on that label. This website helps. I can put to rest my feelings about my N, but there is a huge aftermath of wreckage that I need deal with now. thank you
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mmacali

click on the link on the right to ANGEL FOOD MINISTRIES - they will help you out with food. If not, go to a FOOD pantry. Don't be ashamed... it is what it is right now. My late Dad used to say: "God Gives Us Our Families; which Is Why We Should Thank Him Everyday that We Can CHOOSE Our Friends." ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Dec 8 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
mmacali (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara : )

You made me smile and cry all at once! Thank you.
Nov 25 - 10PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Wow JusticeSeeker

That is so bizarre, that this guy would have you followed and be all over you,,it is so difficult to understand how this can be fulfilling or an obsession for them. He is a psychopath, as you have stated. The derive perverted pleasure from these behaviors, somehow they keep doing these odd things and it escalates. Telltale sign is that it drove you so crazy, that you had to leave your job. I hear you there, and feel for your situation. I worked with my exN, who was also a psychopath. He had me way brainwashed, sexually manipulated, I cannot even begin to tell you the things I have gone through. When I exposed him, he said something similar to me "I had you followed" I think it is a bunch of bull. How did you learn this guy was stalking you? Where did you meet him,,why did he choose you to do this?
Nov 26 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
JusticeSeeker (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They are not that smart sometimes!

I learned my Ex was stalking me when he admitted to some of it when he thought it was safe to do so....or maybe he just was so full of himself that he didn't think I would catch on. I didn't know who was following me at first. I didn't know who was calling and hanging up on me either...my phone would say unknown number/no name. I wasn't thinking and I just didn't realize he was behind it all. He admitted openly to me that he paid to find me. He admitted to fantasizing about me sexually and watching me in my shower when he would visit my house. He made strange comments about me being followed "they will never catch him" he said to me. I had my telephone carrier investigate the phone calls. BUT, one time this past summer he didn't block his phone like he thought he had and my phone nailed him. I had added his number to my address book and my phone caught him. I verified those calls with my carrier and they said it was him. When I called him out on his stalking and gave him proof, he refused to call me at all (he didn't want his number coming up on my phone, that is my guess) and he absolutely disappeared. The stalking has since stopped. For how long? I don't know. Will he try to hurt me? I have no idea what is in his mind. I met this man while stationed overseas in Europe. We were on the same base. To protect other people, I can't give too many more details, but I think he became obsessed with me because I always gave him attention and supported him. JUST AS FRIENDS. He was deployed to the desert and I sent him care packages and he called me once in awhile. We hung out and took trips all the time. JUST AS FRIENDS. When I came back to the states (in his mind--without him--) he must have seen it as a betrayal. He did try to control me at times, even as a friend. I just told him to screw himself and told him he wasn't my Master. A few times, the looks in his eyes just became cold, dark and evil. Back then, I just figured he was mad. He was mad alright. I was his prey and I wouldn't comply. So, he was in my house, I went out with him as a friend, then got involved with him not even knowing that he considered me his and he was going to have what he wanted. These past two years has been the eye opener and just this summer I started putting it all together and trying to fight back. Right now, I am sure he is just furious with me. I ratted him out to his sports car club buddies (he drives a gorgeous Corvette) and I don't think they took this new information too well. So, I may have just sealed my coffin with him, but at least I fought back.
Nov 25 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't try

it is so difficult to understand how this can be fulfilling or an obsession for them Brain damage Non-Human They don't like like us They can NOT FEEL EMOTION that's how! don't try to understand a pathological... worry about YOU! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem