sarahb's story

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#1 Nov 4 - 6PM
sarahb
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sarahb's story

My relationship with an N was ended for me by the N a month before the wedding. I can see from the vantage point of much time that I am SO GLAD I dodged that bullet. I am now happily married to a normal loving person. I was recently looking back at old journals when another ex (I see now, an N!!!) got back in touch with me -- and in my curious quest to figure out what was wrong with him -- his emails are oddly bragging and interaction way abnormal -- I came across this site. So good to know the name of this condition I lived through! I send you all good wishes. Here is what I wrote about N #2, fourteen years ago. I wish everyone to know that there will be a day when you will say, boy I was strong to live through that!! and about him you will not care at ALL, not one bit!!

The Blamer Man
You kill my self esteem
then blame me for not having any
you make me feel like i am sexually backward
then blame me for not being a confident sex goddess
you critique my body
then blame me for feeling insecure
you criticize my manner of speech
then blame me for speaking hesitantly
you tell me that we don't touch enough
then you recoil in a rigid cut off space
and blame me for being hesitant and unsure when i touch you and complain that i hurt you when i touch you
your blaming
is your identity
your self esteem
your anchor in the world
you blame, you live
you cannot stop the blaming and accusing
it becomes ridiculous
you blame me for buying a wedding dress i like
say it will make me look helpless
you blame me for the relationship being "too comfortable"
and "not passionate"
yet you avoid sex or make it awful.
you blame me for talking about problems at work
you blame me for ever being vulnerable
you blame me for being human
most of all, you blame me for loving you
for trying to have harmony
rather than you treating me more nicely, you say i just need to learn to tell you to "f*&K off"
you blame me for listening to you, for trusting in you, for believing that your criticisms were valid,
you blame me for trying to fix myself
you blame for being alive
It is all me, you would like to think.
If only I could be, what?
impervious to pain?
non-human?
so out of touch I don't recognize an insult?
What is the magic key?
Skin so thick its impenetrable?
Perfection in all things?
Can I ever win?
You want fake
You made me believe I was wrong
But how could fake be right?
How could dishonesty be better than honesty?
How could being nice be worse than being mean?
How can not caring be better than caring?
What is codependent and what is human?
I am very strong
You refuse to see that
No matter what I do
I cannot change your projections.
I doubt it is different for you now.
It is only different because you are in the initial
acquisition stage of being Mr. Wonderful
Once you have hooked your prey
into a relationship
Your tremendous anger will have to surface.
It cannot not surface, it is THERE.
And you will have to blame.
If you have chosen your victim correctly (I am sure you have)
They will start trying, like me.
Someone has to pass your "test," you say
Go ahead and take your cruel test
And get the f%&K out of my life.
go ahead and start all over again
you weak pathetic creature
Who can never be alone.

This man now 14 years later is almost 50, several broken engagements to objectively awesome women, yet still never married...a seemingly successful attractive respectable person to date.AACK! It has been said a lot on this site but PLEASE KNOW THAT IT IS NOT YOU! YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!

Nov 22 - 6PM
Leah
Leah's picture

Thank you for sharing your journal entry

Thanks, SarahB. It's really helpful for me to hear how other women have felt in response to their N's abuse. Your journal entry really says it well. He broke up with me 10 weeks ago and I'm just starting to really feel the anger & the horror of what I put myself through. I spent over 8 weeks crying and wondering what I did wrong and why he lost feelings for me (as he put it). I look forward to coming back to this site one day in the future, being able to look back at this experience without pain, as you have been able to do. Thanks for the inspiration, Leah
Nov 22 - 5PM
truthseeker
truthseeker's picture

sarahb

I've been trying to read everyone's story. You said it all perfectly. I could so relate. From the killing of self-esteem to critique of body,To withholding sex and complaining about me being full of hot air. To the passing of the test. he always said our relationship is 95% perfect it's the 5 % you need to work on. Letting me know he'd bought my engagement ring via e-mail because he was angry. Lording it over me. Blah,blah ,blah.He turned 50 this year. He kept hoovering long after the break-up. Glad we are both here.
Nov 13 - 6PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

Aceonelady Thank you for

Aceonelady Thank you for sharing...you hit the spike on the head meaning you couldnt have said clearer love

Aceonelady

Nov 13 - 8PM (Reply to #6)
sarahb
sarahb's picture

thanks

thanks - I am blown away by the fact that what I wrote about him back then, without any knowledge at the time of this disorder, matches exactly! I want to spread the gospel far and wide to all victims of narcissists - IT ISN'T YOU!!! I remember when he presented me with an engagement ring on top of a mountain (not a surprise - I had given him an ultimatum and at the time parasite man couldn't survive without a host). And, I was thinking whew, that is so great, he gave me the ring and didn't push me off the mountain! (So, OMG, his barely concealed rage was such that I was grateful that he didn't kill me???? And I didn't realize I should run screaming from this man???) Brainwashing! He had the nerve later to sum up our relationship as "we had a lot of fun." Um, yeah, what is this "we" kemo sabe? speak for yourself, that was hands down the worst six years of my life!
Nov 7 - 1PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

thank you

Thank you so much for writing that. It's really encouraging to hear a happy ending, and I'm so pleased you have a happy ending. I hope we all do. Well, if we're here, the ending with the N has happened, so at least we all have a chance of a happy ending. And I've certainly learned a lot from the experience will never never to go anywhere remotely near it again. Thanks sarahb.

Ending the dance

Nov 4 - 8PM
grossot
grossot's picture

sarahb

Wow! You weren't kidding when you said you dodged a bullet. Thank you! That Poem (The Blamer Man) - do you mean you wrote that before you knew about Nism? That's an awesome account of what it's like. In my situation I could never: touch him enough pay enough attention make food right talk enough be quiet enough sweep floors adequately be a sexual goddess be a humble wife I even got blamed because our daughter looks like me and that made it hard for him to have an affair when my daughter was around! Anyway, so glad you got out.....I don't know what I'd do without the members of this site..... YOU TELL LIES LIKE A CHILD SPEAKS THE TRUTH SO GOOD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ~LISA SCOTT~(go to music tab) nolongercontrolled
Nov 5 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
sarahb
sarahb's picture

hello

hi, yeah, its wierd that I wrote that before knowing about narcissism personality disorder! glad to name it and understand why it took me years to get over it! Take care!
Nov 4 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
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Welcome sarahb

Welcome... - Get yourself Lisa's book (link at right) - Please go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many many times. Click through ALL the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - Please read through our whole blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - Get yourself in THERAPY with a trauma counselor ASAP!!!! You have been hypnotized & need deprogramming and that will take a lot of time. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help