lsq00's story

I have been involved with my NPD man for the past 24 years, although not continually. We met and started dating in college. From all appearances we had similar backgrounds, both coming from middle to upper middle class families in the same mid-western state, looking like the preppy 80's college kids that we were. However, I came from a home in which although I was always loved and cared for, I had a father who was a perfectionist and was/is very difficult to please. While my brother retreated and shut off, I argued and fought. I was always the one who took the wrath of his anger because I wouldn't let things go. There was never physical abuse, just a lot of name calling and put downs. "N" grew up in a house with a similar father. He was more like my brother though and retreated....however he did it was drugs and alcohol. He found a group that he could "party" with and to this day will not stand up to his father. His mother doesn't work and just caters to his father's every whim. Back in college, he initiated the relationship and once I was hooked in, of course, began diminishing me, drugs and partying were more important. I had never done drugs, but tried them (pot)to please him and to be included with he and his friends. Our relationship back then was characterized by crazy out of control fighting, he would push and push me until I was an out of control emotional wreck. He would leave me in cities 200 miles away, and I had to find a ride home. Just like with my dad, I wouldn't walk away, I would cry, and argue, and beg, and go back and take the emotional and verbal abuse over and over. I remember so desperately wanting to hurt him, just to get a reaction, and finally one day ripped the marijuana plants he was growing in his dorm room right out of the dirt. That's the only time I remember really seeing him be the one to "lose it". He smashed pretty much everything in the room. Losing me didn't matter, but his precious drugs did. I would get to the point where I actually felt suicidal and like I needed to be committed. My parents took me to a therapist, scared about what they were seeing. I graduated a year before he did. The relationship ended when I smashed his ashtray of pot. His mother found it, called my mother to say I had broken something in his room. She finally told his mother what it was and why. I found out years later that his parents then sent him for a substance abuse evaluation, which of course he lied his way through. Little did I know, but he was actually using much more hard core drugs and was actually dealing drugs right out of his college dorm room. I was pretty naive.

I moved across the country to the west coast, got my master's degree, bought a home. I have always had a successful work life, interestingly as a social worker, helping others. Through the years I have had numerous relationships as has he. I had a few with nice men, but many which were abusive in varying degrees. I have two beautiful children from relationships with two of the most physically abusive men I have met. I moved back after my second child was born and the abuse with his father escalated. I made the very difficult decision to leave in the middle of the night, leaving my job, my home, and my life, in order to make sure the kids and I had a safe and emotionally healthy environment and home.

I have gone to therapy. I know that I am drawn to these men because of my own self esteem issues and what was lacking for me while growing up and my inability to please my own father. Compounding this is that I am adopted, which often has it's own issues regarding feeling unwanted. I had no contact with "N" all these years. Interestingly when I was feeling stressed or insecure, I would dream about him and seeing him some place.

I'm back in the mid-west now. I live in a city in the state I grew up in, although not my home town....nor his. Overall, I have been successful in making a better environment for my kids. However, six years ago I was out with my kids trick or treating on Halloween night. I hadn't seen or talked to "N" in years. I was living in a city now that neither of us were from, a new life. I kept seeing a man with two kids who looked familiar and we would end up at the same houses at the same time. His kids didn't look familiar, so it wasn't from a kid's activity that I had seen him before. I finally just asked his name and to my utter shock it was N. We each assumed the other was married as we had kids with us. He asked if I lived around here and I said, "Yes, just a block down the street." I asked if he lived nearby, and he said, "No, out in the country, I always bring my kids to this street to trick or treat". This is not a huge city, but a city of 30,000 people...plenty of other streets to choose from. It was a shock to run into each other and neither knew what to say, and so just sorta said, "nice to see you and went our separate ways."

Due to the nature of my job, I am not listed in the phone book. He went to the county assessor's office and found out my address. I got a letter in the mail with his phone number saying that he too had been at a loss for words and asked me to call. I did call and we ended up going out for drinks. After that we started dating again. Since I had moved back to the mid-west I had my "calm", life but had gained quite a bit of weight, food being my coping mechanism. He was sitting with me in his hot tub fairly early on in the relationship and I remember him telling me that he had talked to his therapist, because physically I was not who he pictured himself with, seeing himself as being with someone young, thin, etc. I remember at that moment feeling all the old feelings of not being good enough come rushing back. But, I was smart, had a good job, was a good mom, etc. so he was giving it a try with me. Did I walk away? No..if I had I wouldn't be writing this today.

He again appeared to be what I was looking for. A "nice" middle class type of Dad, good job, plenty of money, clean cut, etc. I learned that after college he became the biker guy. He was involved in a series of relationships with women involving drugs, motorcycles, etc. He stated that he and his kids mom had aplit up about two years prior and he had last used drugs over a year ago. He had gotten new clothes, cut off his long hair, was trying to be the PTA type of Dad in order to meet the kind of woman he envisioned himself with. I fit the bill, except for my weight and the fact that I was his age.

His children are the same age as mine and they became instant friends. They lived with their mother and were with us on weekends. Their mother was a wreck, remaining very drug and alcohol involved, unemployed, suicidal, etc. I spent two years helping him put together a good home. (we did not live together) I literally redid every square inch of the interior of his home, repairing walls, painting, decorating, finding furniture, making it into a real home. I remember begging furniture from family and friends, and slipcovering everything. I put together a living room from the ground up that was beautiful on less than $400. I remember his being outraged that I would spend that much money. However, the day he came home and saw that room was one of the few times I saw a lot of emotion from him. He actually started crying. He couldn't believe that he had a home like that. It was so worth all the time and effort I had spent. I took a week off from my job and together his mother and I worked and worked on his house. N and I did a lot of talking about his children and their situation. He knew that it wasn't good for them to be living with their mother. Yet he was afraid he couldn't handle being a single Dad, working long hours (60-70) in the busy season. Eventually he made the decision to try and obtain custody. I helped him gather people who would testify to her drug use and emotional instability. I testified on his behalf. He eventually won custody of his children.

That is when the relationship between he and I really changed for the worse. I chalked it up to the stress and new resonsibilities that he had now. But, the sex became non-existent, "Not a big deal" to him. There was no affection. There was no us anymore at all...just co-parenting. Birthdays or special days were miserable. I remember getting a flashlight and a pair of scissors for my birthday. When I asked why he had chosen those things he said, "I was walking through the store and saw them and figured that's something you could use." So, the following year, I was in the middle of some work in my home at the time of my birthday. I was having some ceramic tile put in my bathroom. I told him if he wanted to take care of the cost of the installation for me, that would be an awesome gift as I had a lot of financial things that month. He asked how much it would be and I told him what I was quoted. He agreed and I thanked him profusely, telling him that was awesome of him. However, when the bill came there was an additional charge for removing the toilet and putting a tack strip down where the tile met the wood floor. He called me accusing me of lying to him, manipulating him, etc. He then called the woman from my church who had installed it (at a discount) for me, and bitched her out. I couldn't believe that my birthday "gift" turned into hateful accusations about me and an embarrassing scene.

We didn't have a vehicle that we could all go places in together. I didn't want a new car as I didn't want a payment, I had a small car that was paid off. He convinced me that I should get a mini-van, that he would loan me the money and I could pay him back with tax return money over the next several years so I wouldn't have a payment. I agreed, then learned he intended to charge me interest. Interest?? When he was the one who insisted I buy the vehicle? He could just have easily have traded his car in for a van...but didn't fit his "image". I did not pay any interest, and did eventually pay him back in full. The dynamics of the "family became such that I was the disciplinarian...and he was the good guy". He felt like he had to win his kids over, but he wanted me to lay down the law and then I could take the blame all the time. His nightly phone calls, while always mostly about him, now became his bitch sessions, and then he would yawn and say, gotta crash. Often times I never spoke during the conversation at all. Days and weeks would go by without him ever once asking about me or my day. His plan was that now that the inside of his house was pretty much done, he would fix up the outside, put it on the market, and move in with me as my home is larger. Once his house sold, we would buy another place together and put mine on the market. He was supposed to take a couple of weeks off from work with his vacation time in order to work on the outside of the house so we could move forward. About two months before this was to happen he announces that we should use that time and take the kids to visit his sister on the west coast. I explained that I did not want to go right now as we had agreed that the priority was getting the house done. He then tells me that he had promised the kids and didn't want to let them down. I asked about what he had promised me for three years, and he didn't answer. I was under the impression that we would continue the discussion. His daughter informed me the next week that he had bought plane tickets for just the three of them. I was very very hurt and angry. I then got to hear how insensitive and selfish I was as he talked endlessly about their upcoming awesome vacation. The night before he was to leave, I received a phone call out of the blue from a high school boyfriend who was back in the area. He wanted to get together. I told him I was in a relationship, but agreed to just meet and "catch up". This meeting occurred while N was gone. He was aware that it was happening. The whole time he was gone, 2 weeks, he barely ever phoned, and if he did, it was a report of how much fun he was having. I felt very alone and abandoned and totally unimportant in his life. His fun was more important than any plans for a life with me. He returned and things were no better. In the meantime, I found myself enjoying the company of the old high school boyfriend. I was not unfaithful to "N" physically, although emotionally I found myself being pulled to this man. He was attentive, told me I was attractive, wanted to make me happy, wanted to spend time with me. He kept asking what I saw in "N". I was very honest with "N" about my feelings and that I was feeling torn. I asked him for some time and space to sort out my feelings. He refused to give me that, stating that he had planned to propose to my that week, but I was ruining everything. He was there constantly, wouldn't leave me alone.....when all I had wanted before was a litte bit of attention. When I made plans with the other man one evening, he then insisted that the three of us go out together. He wanted to "meet his nemesis". Bad idea. It ended with him yanking my old friend out of the car and getting in his face. That was the final straw for me. I was humiliated. I told him we were done. His response was to call my parents and tell them I was crazy that I planned to leave town immediately and move out of state with the other man. I received an upset call from my mother...none of these things were even remotely true, nor had I ever said anything like that. I saw the other man for 3 or 4 months. It wasn't a relationship that lasted long term, but it was a relationship that taught me that I am a good person who others could enjoy being with, I do deserve to be treated well, I am attractive, etc. After that I have had an occasional date, but not a relationship. "N" dated a lot of woman during the next two years. He had one fairly serious relationship with a woman who was more narcissistic than he is. Boy, to hear him rant about her. As for me, I dated very rarely, just haven't met anyone. N and I did not talk for about a year. Gradually through our kid's friendship, school activities, etc. we began speaking again. It grew more and more into what I thought was a friendship. We were spending a great deal of time together with our kids again, dinners, etc. He even seemed to enjoy being with me, and we went to some movies just he and I. We went to the theater to see plays in a nearby town. One evening following a night at the theater, and a bottle of wine, I asked him what he thought of our relationship. I told him that it sort of seemed like we had developed this friendship and were doing all the hard parts of a relationship, without the benefits of the intimacy that comes with a romantic relationship. He told me that he was attracted to me and had thought about it a lot, but that he was afraid that since it hadn't worked out before that if we took the relationship further it would "ruin the friendship". I having some liquid courage, was being flirtatious at this point. When he brought me home, I asked if I could kiss him. He said "yes" and immediately the small kiss turned into his groping me in the car. I went into the house, and thought that maybe finally things were going to be good. We seemed to be better friends than we ever had before, he was obviously attacted to me, etc. The next two months brought all kinds of attention and flirtatious text messages through out the days. One evening he invited me out to his home for dinner and a movie. Following the movie we got into the hot tub at his suggestion. We were on opposite sides of the hot tub talking...when he suddenly stripped off his swimming trunks and made his move. We ended up making love that night. The first time in a long time for either one of us. The following day I helped him do some work at his house, and he was still attentive and kind. Within two weeks, he was telling me that "things would never work between us, that I manipulated him, that it would ruin the friendship, that he just didn't have those kind of feelings for me (he wished he did...)" In the same sentence he would turn around and would say, "well never say never, I wouldn't rule out a future with you", "let's just see what happens". I was so confused and hurt. But, I decided to join a gym, start eating right, and feel better about me. So far I have lost 28 pounds. I would like to lose another 42, but am not sure if that's a realistic goal. I am looking better and feeling better. I have focused on me and as far as he goes, have tried to be a friend. I figured if we were to have any kind of a future, it needs to be based on a friendship. "N" finally finished his house and put it on the market this summer. He calls me his best friend, calls me multiple times a day about whatever is going on in his life. He asked me to help him house hunt. He looked at a house on my street, less than 2 blocks from my home. It is a nice home that would meet his family's needs...but there are a lot of nice homes for sale in our community that would fit them equally well. He looked at that house and immediately decided to put a full price offer in on it. I told him point blank that I thought it was a huge mistake for him to move onto my street, and basically begged him to reconsider. I live at the end on a cul de sac and have to drive by his home every time I am leaving or going home. I told him that I thought we needed some space. I told him I didn't want to drive by and know if he was home or not, wonder who's car was in the driveway. I even went so far as to say, "If you move in there, you'll never be allowed to date anyone else, ever". Of course I said it jokingly, but told him that the intent behind it was real. I can not handle his life being in my face as I have these very real deep feelings for him. He just said, "it will be fine, you'll see". He totally disregarded me and moved in down the street. It has only been about 5 weeks and my life is hell. The day of the move, his parents were there. His father was harsh and critical all day. He was barking orders at people. "N" was trying to flatter me in front of his other friends about how awesome I am at decorating to get me to help him with the new house. He said how the realtor had put in the ad for his house, that it was "tastefully decorated". "N's" father then said, "yeah by someone who obviously has no taste". I was very upset and had to walk away. "N" saw me in the hall and pulled me into the bathroom asking "what my problem was". When I explained, he said that I was just being overly sensitive and shouldn't take it personally. Again, we tiptoe around the father, and it is my problem that I am not ok with being insulted. Since then it has gotten worse. He is expecting that I am transportation service for his children. I have picked out furniture for his home, artwork, spent countless hours putting together options for decorating, shopping at stores and online. Sure, I enjoy shopping...but these are all things I am doing for him, to help him. I feel like I give and give. Two weeks ago he took off a few hours from work several different days to meet the cable guy, wait for furniture delivery people, etc. The same week I had a routine mammogram and it came back indicating a lump that needed follow-up the next day. I asked him if he would come with me to the appointment because I was scared. (I take off from work whenever he needs anything). I am a social worker, he works in a greenhouse. He informed me that he had to work and couldn't take time off for that. (He has told me before many times that his job is more important than mine. I work with people, he works with plants and they can die. I told him that I work with sucidal people, and that they can die too. He said, but that doesn't cost the company thousands of dollars). I was very hurt and told him that I wished I was as important as the furniture that he was willing to take time off for. He told me that I was over reacting and there probably wasn't anything wrong with me. I told him that hearing that you have a lump in your breast is a scary thing. Logically I understood that it was probably not cancer, but that I just wanted some support. I told him that over reacting would be if I was planning my funeral at this point in time. He insisted that I was over reacting and that he could not go. I told him that I was upset and that talking to him right then was making me feel worse. I told him that I would have to talk to him another time. So...he calls me non-stop and waited in my driveway until I came home that evening. He insisted on discussing it right then, with my children there (who I didn't intend on telling about the test, as not to alarm them). He persisted in telling me he had a seed catalog that had to get done and that it was just impossible and that I absolutely must understand why work had to be his priority. I told him that I did not understand and that I would never not be there for him if he needed me, and that I would work late or do whatever I needed to do. He then informed me that I was really being insensitive to him and treating him badly. By now I was crying, yelling, and generally falling apart in front of my kids. I kept screaming at him to leave, which he finally did. The next morning I went to the doctor for my test. He sent me a text message saying, "I'm there for you, even though I'm not there." I did not respond, just went to the test and got the support I so badly needed from my friends and co-workers. When I got home that night I had an e-mail from him stating that he was charged for shipping on one of the purchases I had made for him and he wanted me to call and straighten it out. I had already made this call several days earlier, but he was insistent that it was still wrong. He had the invoice, the credit card, and the phone number. I e-mailed back that I couldn't believe that he would be so self absorbed right then and told him that he was a 43 year old man and I was convinced he could handle it. While I was in absolute disbelief reading the e-mail, I get a text message asking if I'm gonna show up and help him with his daughter's birthday party that night. I did not respond. My children were invited to the party and I took them, dropped them off, told them to have fun and that I would be back to get them when the party was over. For me that was taking the high road, as I was afraid that if I were to have gone in, at a minimum it would have been very tense, and at worse, I would've slapped his face. Either option, not good for his daughter on her special day. I invited a friend to go out to eat while the party was going on. When I picked up the kids, I again did not go in. Just picked them up and left. My 11 year old daughter informed me that "N" had refused to look at her, refused to speak to her even when she would talk directly to him. Despite my best attempts to ignore him and not engage with him, mother instinct kicked in and the next day I sent him a text saying "Grow up...being rude to a kid???" He immediately texted back that he had no idea what I was talking about. I did not reply. Nothing else to say. He called over and over until I finally answered the phone. I told him what my daughter had said and he called her a liar. He then went on, "or maybe she just thinks that because you are crazy and poisoned her against me". I told him he was out of line and hung up on him. I continued to be hurt...but he had to travel for work for a few days, so had a few days of peace anyway. I got called in for yet a third appointment regarding the lump in my breast on Wednesday. While I was at the doctor, he phoned. I did not answer. When the doctor stepped out I sent a text stating, "at doctor, what do you need?" to which he replied, "a friend". I did not reply. He texted me multiple times there after asking, Yes or no, informing me that friendship is unconditional, etc. I told him it was not that simple...that friendship, like any relationship should be a reciprocal relationship in which both people give. His last text said, "Yeah, I apologize for not being there for you". Never once asked how the appointments went, why I was there again at the doctor that day. The following day I received an e-mail from the store with the credit for his purchase he had been so upset about. I forwarded the e-mail to him, and added a note to the bottom stating that while I appreciated his apology, I was not convinced that he was sorry that he didn't make me a priority so much as that he was sorry I was angry, or that it hadn't been convenient for him. I told him that I can not be friends with him as this is absolutely unacceptable behavior to me and not something that friends would do. He called me the next morning, saying absolutely nothing about what I had written, but asked if I would take his son to school. Of course, I did. I didn't want to do another thing for him, but it was raining and I felt it was punishing the child if I didn't, even though I know it's not my responsibility.

I had an absolutely horrendous day at work on Friday and was dealing with some very very stressful situations with clients that ended up involving three people being shot. I rarely if ever drink...but came home that night, my hands were shaking, and poured myself a glass of wine. Was chatting with some friends on Facebook, just being by myself and taking some time for me. He texted me about being friends again. I was feeling very sarcastic and responded in hindsight, in a very poor way. I said, "If you want to be my friend, bring me some alcohol...otherwise let me be". I expected not to hear back from him, as I was intentionally being bitchy. In fact I heard nothing until nearly two hours later. By then I had drank several glasses of wine and was ready to curl up on the couch for the night. I was calm and just wanted to be. He pulls into my driveway and starts honking the car horn. Nope, doesn't even get out. He says, "get in". I asked where we were going. He again said, "get in". I got in the car and he said, you wanted alcohol, "we're going to go have a drink and talk this thing out". My son was outside playing with "N's" kids and some of the other neighborhood kids. I said, "what about the kids?" He slows down as we're driving by and tells the kids we'll be home in a bit. From there the night went completely downhill. He orders shots from the bar and then wants to talk. More like, he wanted to continue to try and get me to agree that his work that day was too important. Finally he said, "Can we just agree that I should've handled it better and move on". For him that was major...although far from the apology it should have been. He held out his arms and I allowed him to hug me. He then said, "see..this is what I wanted the other night, if you wouldn't have overreacted". I let it go. I was angry, but I didn't say anything. He then commented about my weight loss, which made me happy. He was talking about how my butt looked in my jeans, he was being flirtatious. We were standing there face and face and I thought he wanted to kiss me. But when I leaned in as if to kiss him...he told me that it didn't matter how much weight I lost though...he would never be attracted to me..."you and I, it's just never been there between us". He said, "I've told you time and time again I have no feelings for you". I was absolutely shocked, standing there in a room full of people, looking at this man who was ripping my heart out yet again. I had spent the last week setting my boundaries into place, and allowed myself to hope yet again, that maybe, just maybe. He brought me home, I was crying. He hurled insult after insult my way. He told me that he blew off his children that night to take me out, and that I ruined the night. He told me that I always had to go and be all overly emotional and crazy about everything. He said, why can't we have this nice casual friendship and help each other out from time to time and do stuff every now and then. I tried to explain that it was always me doing things for him. He never asks about me, he only helps me if it's absolutely convenient for him, or if he can offer it as way to get me to do something else he wants. I told him that I can't even go home without having to go by his house, he invaded my personal space by not even allowing me the comfort zone of my own home and neighborhood. He left me there crying. I was drunk, upset, and cast aside. I was stupid and tried to call and he wouldn't answer. He then sent a text saying, "I'm not going to do this with you tonight. You are obviously not rational. I had a good time tonight." That was a good time??? Well maybe for him crushing and humiliating me is fun! He makes my head just spin. Since he is less than two blocks away, I walked down there and knocked. He stood there refusing to let me in talking to me through the window. Again, a humiliation, telling me he couldn't trust me because I was out of control. The truth is, I was somewhat out of control, but it was of my own emotions, and it was because of the alcohol, and the fact that I put myself in that position yet again to allow him to mess with my head and destroy my heart. He told me, "You are just way too demanding for me. Sure you give a lot to people, but you demand way too much in return." He went on to tell me that he had been doing me a favor by allowing me to shop for him as it is something I enjoy, etc. and that I was really ungrateful. I finally just turned and walked home. He left the following morning for an annual party his brother holds in a town a couple of hours away. He informed me that I would have been invited, but now that I am so crazy again, he can't trust me." I have been ok the past two days, but I know that he will be back home again tonight.. it's all going to start again. I don't want to see him, because I do care, and I do hurt. At the same time, I feel this pull to engage with him again...it's sick. I know that it is me that has to change, that has to say enough. I say it and I mean it, and then somehow I get drawn into him again. I am not in a position to up and sell my house and move, but I don't know how I am ever going to have any peace. I ran across your website and the stories hit home for me. I knew all these things about him, but until I started reading about narcissistic personality disorder, I didn't put it all together. My mother said to me yesterday, "at least you know now how he is and that it's never going to work, he's never going to change." My sarcastic answer was "yes, thank goodness, I've only wasted 24 years of my life". I just hope that is true.