Antonia's story

Yeah I think you are right when you with the comment you posted 'Missing him means missing a relationship', I can totally identify with that, yet saying that I am also really enjoying the peace and quiet of just being able to focus on me - I also know it is very important for me to reclaim my self again and be happy in myself, to revel in my time with my children, my future, and I think how open and exciting it can be one minute to be on my own again - anything is possible, then how scary and lonely the next... Geesh eh!!! :-) When I was writing in a journal of all the horrible things he did to me and our life when we first split to give me strength to be able to move forward from him (I filled four A4 sheets in about 1 hour easily) I realised very quickly how the year we lived together I spent in a state of fear and panic. Fear that he would for the slightest thing tell me to leave, I would walk around on eggshells constantly assessing his moods and contemplating his needs that I met them before he would ask, yes 'pandering' is the absolutely accurate word and I did it. Panic that I would have to find somewhere else to live, put my children through a second relationship split (the first being their father). Everything was different once he knew he had me cornered in that house. I suffered anxiety, panic attacks, vomit, loss of apetite, wanting to numb the feelings with a glass of wine, I lived in fear. Prior to all of this I was an extremely confident, professional working, single mum, extremely active social life, lots of good friends, both male and female, strong with what I wanted for myself and what I wanted in my future. I am a popular, reasonably good looking woman, he saw this and just wanted to suck it all dry... I am mostly back to the person I was, still a work in progress but heading in the right direction however I am forever changed deep in my core now, and forever wary, I just read 'The girlfriend of Dr Jekyl/Mr. Hyde's story, amazing how they con you in the beginning, again my EN was the same as that in the beginning...

Sometimes I wonder if "missing him" is missing a relationship? Also, these guys are really good at giving the woman exactly what she wants. I think that's why it's so seemingly perfect in the beginning. They are very sensitive to others in an odd way. But their picking up on the needs & vulnerabilities of others is still ALL ABOUT HIM. It's how he gets his narcissistic supply. So they are nice to get what they want from us. And, in the beginning, they are so taken by their fantasies about us. They project on to us their fantasies. I do not believe that my N ever saw ME as a human being separate from him. It was all about what I could do for him. I suppose I'm lucky because I do not miss my N at all. He was just so toxic to me! The panic & anxiety attacks I suffered. The hand tremors. I was really poisoned by the man. And I was just terrified of him. Still am. The thought of any contact with him is disturbing for me. I have nightmares about him. And I am really, really angry at times. Sometimes I am very depressed. I hate myself sometimes for how often I degraded myself . . . one woman here used an excellent word--"pandered"--how I pandered to him & his nonsense. I did everything I could to "keep the peace." Peace is the last thing my N wanted. He thrived on drama & anger. I left on a Sunday. That following Tuesday I went to see him. The look in his eyes. I saw how he HATED me . . . he was so EVIL & nasty. I knew the truth: He was deliberately trying to destroy me to empower himself--true human evil. Later he tried to get me to come back. But I always answered with one line: The marriage is over. I thank my stars that he was not "nice" that Tuesday. I might still be in the web of the narcissist. Now I have such a physical revulsion for the man. I so truly believe that the man never saw me. Any good times we had . . . it just was not real, not mutual, he never saw me! He used me even in the so-called good times. The connection was not real. A figment of my imagination. My N had nothing inside of him. Just an abyss. A mimic of human emotion. The only true emotion the man feels is anger & rage. I knew several months after our marriage that I was alone & very lonely. But I had just married, bought a house & moved. And I suppose I loved him--my illusion of love & Dr. Jekyll. I tried to save the marriage. But everything he did to me destroyed my love for him. Of course, he sees me as very unstable & that I broke our marriage vows. And he acts absolutely devastated & has gotten a lot of sympathy--a way to get narcissistic supply from others. His pretend depression is really RAGE . . . he's enraged that he lost control over me. It was all about control. Control by being nice. Control by being threatening & cruel. Either way, he got me to do what he wanted--pander to him. The whole so-called relationship had nothing to do with me. So there's not much for me to miss.

Hi, yes I am still maintaining NC, funnily enough at times, it is a struggle, I have healed so much without hearing from him at all. We broke in Jan, the longest amount of NC was 9 days for 7 months after our split. He would reel me back in to know he still had me dangling, then when he knew I would give him another chance, literally within hours, he had turned cold again. He met a couple of women on line during this period, and once he thought he had another woman in his life, became so amazingly mean & cruel (via e-mails, txt) etc - then when that fell apart, (2 women in a 2 month period), would come crying to me. I still think about him so much which is nuts... I wanted him to break the NC so I could ignore him, yet he hasn't contacted me, and from what I read on these boards I clearly have no use for him now and have been completely discarded and probably forgotten. I should take solace from that, it just makes me feel replaced and what a waste of time emotionally the entire time I was with him actually was. I thought I could be 'friends' with him, however I quickly realised emotionally I wasn't strong enough and the small amount of healing I had managed to complete was all back to the beginning again. I had found myself a counsellor, who knew a lot about NPD as she was the person who said to me he sounds like a narc, which is when I first started researching everything I could about it. Took me months to find this site, and it has been pivotal in maintaining NC and reading of others' experiences which are very similar to my own. I'm not on the mortgage, we made an agreement if I paid off his debts he would give me some finacial security by placing me on his mortgage, then I would match him 50/50 so everything was fair. Once I transferred the 20K to his account he then said it was too hard to get out of his fixed home loan as there were penalties, so we had to wait. I wasn't exactly happy he had gone against his word, yet at the time I trusted him. When he decided it was over as I told him he needed to get help for his never ending mood swings, I was locked out, along with my children (had to stay at my mothers for 5 weeks until I found somewhere else to live), he told me he would not and could not pay me back the 20K. Of course over the following months whilst we were still communicating I would let him know I had found out my legal rights about the money, if I took him to court I would more than likely win, that's when he started threatening suicide. Threatened it at least 3 times... I nearly contacted his family as I was concerned, my therapist said it is manipulation and drama queen behaviour and to disregard it. So I have no ties financial to him, which is a good thing, I'm putting it all down to a huge lesson learned. The Dysthymia I agree, once he told me (after we had split) I figured who the hell asks someone with children to move in, live like a married couple without sharing that info prior (I had never had any involvement with a mental health issue previously and had no clue wot to even look for), a twisted shithead is who... I agree, he has a sister with diagnosed BPD, another with severe anxiety, my ex N had at least 2 other women who told him to seek help, he would break up with them the moment that was out of their mouths. He always warned me to not ask him to get help or he would leave... he was true to his word. Life with him was miserable, I never felt safe emotionally and I started to feel very strongly I was in the relationship completely by myself. I am happier, just a bit lonely I guess, I worry I will be alone forever now, yet I am facing that fear and trying to work thru that too. So hard, yet most of the time I am happy, I have a good life, wonderful bright gorgeous children, good family and good friends... If I am meant to live my life without a man, I guess I will have to face that... I now know what it is like to be unhappy and lonely even in a relationship, better to be alone and happier than with someone who is miserable in themselves most of the time, angry, self involved, has no empathy at all, selfish, depressive, withdrawn, controlling, sexually dysfunctional, etc etc.. you know the list. I actually needed to vent a bit today, had a dream about him last night, so real, I hate that, so feel a bit low today, but I will bounce back, I always do. You sound really strong agnesmurphy17, and I am glad for you that you are, I am mostly, I want him to hurt and miss me, yet I know he doesn't, he isn't capable, so long as some other woman is there for him, he's happy to just not be alone. I'll sign off now.. thanks for listening..

Thank you for your comment to my story. I have been thinking about you. Let me-us know how the NC is going? I worry that your name is on his mortgage. Dysthymia is no big deal. In fact, I think it is a diagnosis given when the psychiatrist finds there is something wrong with the patient but what they don't know really. But the patient isn't getting better. Probably the psychiatrist didn't have enough exposure to realize NPD. Anyhow these guys can fool mental health professionals. Mine literally fell apart when I left him. He went to a psychologist (for admiration) & a psychiatrist (for benzos). Kept telling me that his mental health was precarious-to make me feel guilty for what I did to him. One evening the psychologist called me because he had called her asking to be placed into a hospital because he was suicidal! Anything for drama! And to make me look bad & cruel & abusive. Mine once told me that I was "a threat to his mental construct." Maybe something you said to your N before he tossed you had a similar effect? Who knows? And, really, who cares? These guys are so twisted. Yours also sounds like mine in that he was looking for a mother. Playing on maternal sympathies of the woman. Anyhow, mine is so sinister that his current woman is a psychiatrist. This is how good they are at wearing the 'mask of sanity' when they first meet us. Even a trained mental health professional doesn't spot NPD when her heartstrings are being pulled by the N. She believes in what she wants to believe--love & romance--and he plays her vulnerabilities to his benefit. Once the prey is caught in the web . . . the N springs into action.

Thanks for sharing! From your entry it sounds like he has be putting you on what we call "the emotional roller coaster" ride. Here is a great site and hope it will help you understand more. Remember we had a choice about this ride, insomuch we can choose to ride it or choose not too... http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/2009/08/damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-dont.html

Hi, thanks for welcoming me into your community. I have had the most horrible 2-3 years with this man. He was a work mate, we were friends and he had chased me down over a 12 month period. During this time of course he churned thru at least 4-5 women, who would never know what hit them as he would be at 100% full steam, then would inexplicably just pull back, fall into a depression and end these relationships... what a huge red flag, and no I didn't see it. Yeah I know.... I remember when I finally relented to taking the step to begin seeing him, as we had been good friends, I trusted him entirely, saying and thinking, as he had me high up on a pedestool, I had nowhere to go but down... he assured me I was the 'One' and that wouldn't happen to me.. guess what, I believed him... We fell into a serious, deep, full on relationship, as I had been on my own since my marriage had fallen apart 4-5 years earlier, I thought I had hit the jackpot, presents, poetry, he was so attentive, wonderful with my children, social, happy and everything a woman could want in a man, after about 3 months, when I was in hook line and sinker, he knew he had me totally 'in love', as I mentioned earlier, it all changed. He became withdrawn sometimes, and as we weren't living together at that stage, I knew he needed time to 'recharge' himself (as he referred to it to me), however most of the time he would be ok when we saw each other, but he always needed to spend the next night or two alone, I was ok with that, I just didn't know how deep into a hole he would fall on those nights he recharged himself until later when we were living together. What followed was a roller coaster ride of a relationship, but good enough for me to continue along the path of moving in together, which we did after 12 months. there were some red flags during this 12 months, but again being totally ignorant of depression and narcissism I put it down to him loving me and wanting the best for us, I had to distance myself from my male friends, when we saw each other it was pretty much dictated by him, when it suited, lots of things that seem to be the classic signs of the 'pretend guy's' mask beginning to slip, though of course I looked past these things and justified much of it to myself, as he is very intelligent and has a pretty good job, as just work pressures or other pressures he had in his life at that time. As fast as anything, all of a sudden after the move, everything changed, I could not criticise him in any way, he would not socialise with anyone, as he has no friends, he wanted me to be the same (which I just wouldn't do), could never initiate sex, he would be distant and cold, he would fall into a deep depression or try to pick an argment around birthdays, mothers day, any special event. Actually the night before my birthday told me he would never marry me, which up until that point had been in the cards down the track if all went well, he had changed his mind obviously and the night before my birthday was the night to break this news to me. He would never attend anything with me, I would literally walk around on eggshells, doing whatever I could to try and make him happy, of course nothing did. I had to take 'care' of him like his mother did, again, he would punish any transgressions I made with complete withdrawal or threaten to end the relationship until I pleaded enough and had agreed to some new demand for him to 'forgive' me and not end things. He demanded money, I gave it to him, he demanded no drinking, no smoking, I put on weight with not smoking, I put on a few kilo's, that had to go, he would wake up in a horrible mood and take it all out on me, never wanted to spend time with me, do things with me, I had moved myself and my children into this situation and it was a nightmare, I didn't want to admit failure and I always remembered how I was the 'One" in the beginning, I figured I could get back to that place if I just gave more of myself and tried to be what he wanted more. I knew nothing about narcissism, I just took it that I didn't make him happy, I just couldn't figure out what had happend. He eventually locked me out of his house when I asked him to get some help with his depression mood changes. He stormed out that night, but asked the next day did I feel the same, I said yes, he said 'Well you and your kids are never 2 come back here". I managed to get my belongings out quickly with the help of family and have set myself up nicely now. As I said earlier, there has been a lot of contact btw us since then up until two weeks ago anyway, I made LOADS of mistakes, but at least those mistakes have got me to NC 2 weeks ago, and I am starting to feel quite good about myself again, he did so much damage to my self esteem, but I am gradually getting it all back, and now I have so much more knowledge, and I agree with the saying Knowledge is power. So much of what the poeple are posting happened in our relationship, if you can call it that, I won't go on and on, but I can personally relate to many of the topics and feeling s of the people here now, because I lived it, experienced many moments of the emotional and mental abuse personally, and most importantly survived it, and there were moments that I didn't think I would, but I have. I finally came across this website and it's been a lucky stroke of good fortune for me. Thanks everyone...

Welcome! Congratulations on your NC! Sorry about everything you had to endure. You said 'narcissistic rage due to an injury I had caused him'. You know he brought it on himself right? The only thing you caused is a chance for yourself and your children to heal. His rage is not and never was your fault. He knows better. Take care and visit often! ~Give a Narc an inch and they become the ruler~ nolongercontrolled

Welcome... - Get Lisa's book - go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. - read our blog: http://allabouthim.com - chock full of articles about Ns and healing - listen to our free radio show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabout him Get into counseling ASAP. You did good to get away from this dirtbag - now work on you and healing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck