Amy T's story

HELP!

I met my N at age 21, married at 24 and am now 42. I knew all along things weren't quite right but rationalized them away. I was young and certainly no experience with a pathological. After we married things really changed, no intimacy, no real personal connection, no empathy.

Over the years the image thing has really grown out of control. Things really changed after kids - 3 years after marriage. I have taken care of both of them and him, doing everything in the house this entire time and working full-time. For years I tried to figure out what was wrong with me, what could I do to be good enough and get his attention.

I suffered physical abuse until 4 years ago (although he did things no one could see like pulling handfuls of my hair so I had bruises on my scalp & now says "I didn't punch or hit you so I didn't abuse you"). 4 years ago I left with the kids but he begged me to come back and I did 3 days later. I thought things would get better and most of the physical abuse stopped but the emotional & psychological abuse escalated.

By the end of this year he pretty much just ignored me so it felt like I lived with a roommate. I was just resolved to this life.

Here's where my story gets tricky. He was into pornography, chatting online, and a few random one-night stands while out of town over the years. But I'm the one who had an affair recently, no excuse, but I guess I was vulnerable to it. It made me feel good to have a man pay attention to me. Well my N found about about 4 months later and the bad thing is now I look like the bad person.

My kids are now 13 and 15 and even though they used to want me to leave because they saw his abuse with me and his meanness, now they seems to have forgotten everything and are on his side. He is alienating them from me but says he doesn't say anything bad about me to them. But they know all about the affair (they now say they overheard everything, they read the legal documents, etc, he confides with them on things and depends on them for emotional support). I moved out because he wouldn't let me separate from him so I could think clearly, got a divorce from bed and board filed with the court to protect myself from abandonment.

Now he's begging me to withdraw the lawsuit, saying he's trying to offer me a chance to compromise, we can work things out ourselves, otherwise he will not agree to anything and everything will go to court. I think he's really worried about someone reading the lawsuit (he said his great grandchildren might research him some day and see these "false claims" against him).

Some days he threatens me into coming back, somedays he's out to get me, and others he talks about us reconciling. He hasn't gone to church in years but has suddenly "changed" he says because of this and beats my over the head with Bible verses stating how divorce and separation are wrong and I'm not doing the Christian thing by reconciling and trying to work things out. But I know I have to get away from him now before I waste any more years of my life. Have been separated for a month now, staying with my parents without the kids.

Has anyone experienced this or have any advice for me?