Forgiving myself

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#1 Aug 15 - 12PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Forgiving myself

I'm new here. I'm having a hard time making it through this pain. I was with my N, who i met on Match.com, for a yr. He dumped me via email the day after i told him i wasnt pregnant (a pregnancy i thought we both wanted). That was 3 months ago.

I am filled with so much pain, but also disappointment in myself. I think i would be a little further along in my healing if i could just forgive myself.

Thing is, when he broke up with me via email- for the first 2 weeks i was pretty strong. I even had an email exchange with him where i told him that he IS right and that he is not the man for me... that he emotional underdevelopment was destroying me.

Then i started to grieve all the dreams i had (i.e., the baby; having companionship; his financial security) and i realized that he was so happy to let me go that there was definitely other women- and i feel apart.

I sent him an 2 emails ... texts him several times... called (however he didnt pick up). He basically sent me an email teling me to move on with my life. i felt so humiliated.

I cant forgive myself for serving myself belly up to him after the breakup. How could i have given up my power. He was so elated to get those desparate communications from me and then reject me. It hurts so much... this is a guy who chased me for 7 months and now he is telling me to move on and stop bothering him. Of course i am NC now... i even ignored a text sent from him ("how are you").

Im really hurting ... how can i forgive myself for my desperate behavior after the breakup... i lost my power... self respect... he sees me as some desparate loser :-(

Jessika

#2 Aug 20 - 11AM

Fawn

April

Thank you for your honesty about your situation. It takes a great deal of courage to get through all of this pain over someone who isn't worth it. I feel and felt a great sense of shame over how much time I have wasted getting over the narc. I thought I was pretty much over it and then had to see he and the babysitter together in the attorney's office last week when we settled out of court. It is all over for me now, signed the divorce decree, and I don't have to go to court because he filed. Now I am left to move on, have a happy life with my kids, and pick up the pieces. There is financial fallout, I have health issues and no insurance right now bc the jerk booted me off of his insurance without telling me. There are several things to deal with all alone, but it is still better than having the expectation that your spouse is going to have some empathy, love, and compassion and be there for you and then have him run away, or yell at you because you are sick, or disappear, or just act like an a"" all the time. Nope, it is up to me to get through this with my good friends as support for me, with the love of my children and my siblings, I will survive this too, and so will you. Dcrutche

#3 Aug 22 - 2PM (Reply to #43)

cassiemay

dcrutche

Congratulations on your ending. The same has happened for me after a Very long 2 and 1/2 years of proceedings. The proceedings really suck, don't they? OMG, after all I've been through I look back and think "Good Girl!" "YOU did it!" When I could hardly get out of bed to get to the attorney's office, the court, the doctor, etc. We DID it! WE DID it! Give yourself a big hug. I'm going to have a divorce party after the final (next week) court decree. And I too have financial issues, health insurance issues, etc. But you are so right, when I start to think back to what there was I end up thinking I could never ever be with such a cruel human being/doing as that again. I would rather watch my pennies and be in control OF MY OWN LIFE than be with him again with his constant need for attention and adulation and constant criticism of me. I am beginning to find MYSELF again, thank God. And it feels really really good. I hope you experience the same. And all of the rest of you. For a laugh.....get this.....I saw his profile on Match.com. and he ACTUALLY SAID IN HIS PROFILE that he "is not a narcissist"! LOL ROFL! So....how typical is that? Insight???? Yeah, right..... It was only AFTER I suggested to him that he WAS an N that this appeared on his profile. Oh my. Denial, denial, no insight, no compassion, empathy, etc. etc. Warning warning to the next "victim". Hang in there everyone and those of you going through divorce I'm here to help if I can. CM

#4 Aug 18 - 3AM

Scoop

I have just read Reject the

I have just read Reject the rejector .Wow this made sence to me and i had a moment of clarity , i dont know how long it will last so im writing it down quickly . Heres my statment "i was out of his league" in boxing terms he was punching above his weight .My narc had to be fake because i would have never looked twice at his real self . He had to be a flamboyant person as he knew how useless he really was .He had to gaslight and mirror and use all the tricks in the book because he Knew that being himself wouldnt have been enough to keep me . I reject the rejector because the game wasnt fair . In normal rules applied i wouldnt have looked twice at him . Ha ! Peru x

#5 Aug 18 - 10AM (Reply to #33)

Jessika (not verified)

PERUTOO

That makes SO much sense! That was the same thing i suspect with mine. As a matter of fact... when he would behave badly and I would be the one to withdraw (out of feeling repulsed) he would always cry the same statement,"I know i am not good enough for you!" However he ended up saying a similar statement in the email dumping me "NO one is good enough for you... you have unrealistic standard-- with all your scrutiny and overanalyzing!" Just crazy. Bad bad Jessika for questioning where he was when he would disappear and not answer my phone call at night (i would only call once or text once... i figured why do it more than once). Bad bad Jessika for pointing out his disrespectful behavior and that it is insane to refer to your girlfriend as a "slut" or a "whore" ... I might check into that book. He certainly IS NOT good enough for me.... he is a despicable 'being'-- not human. Jessika

#6 Aug 18 - 11AM (Reply to #34)

April (not verified)

not good enough

Yep, I second that. Mine would also talk about how he was not good enough for me and that I was a "spiritual elitist". Remember that he is the self help guru. He would say that we couldn't be together because he felt he could really never live up to my standards. I placed all of these expectations on him and expected him to be a super boyfriend. My God, I expected him to be respectful, kind, and consistent. Yep, I expected alot. I told him that they were expectations of behavior that he set for himself. He acted a certain way for almost a year and then abruptly changed. You damn right I want an explanation. He always fell back on the not good enough theory. Ironically, I know he did not feel good enough. Deep down, he really didn't; for anyone or anything. He was so ashamed and feared he would be found out. He was, at least by me. When I started putting the pieces together is when he turned into the demon. He no longer had a vested interest in keeping the veil on. He would put it back on momentarily if he felt he was losing control. On our first date, I said something really profound to him and wish I would've heard my own self. We were talking about the things that we were struggling with in our own lives; our life lessons, etc. (we were at at spiritual workshop). Anyway, as he was talking to me and telling me what his "stuff" was, the word authenticity came up for me. I looked him straight in the eye and asked, Do you struggle with letting your true self be known? He said, yes, at one time I did, but that is all in the past now. "I will never not be me again, and anyone that asks more or different of me, won't be a part of my life!" This was the reason he sited for me. I had asked him to be someone he was not. WOW! He was really confused and lost, but had some insight into the falseness of who he was. But, interestingly enough, I think he might actually believe that the false self he has created is real now. I stood in the way of that. I knew too much. :)

#7 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #35)

Jessika (not verified)

My goodness Aprilit sounds

My goodness April it sounds like we had VERY similar experiences. Almost sounds like we were seeing the same man (aside fromt the spiritual thing). During the middle of our relationship i figured i was gonna leave him bc he had started with raging (a new dynamic i hadn't seen before) and so i figured i would let him in on the fact that he was a narcissist. He basically laughed at me and said, "being a doctor you probably think something is wrong with everyone ... you need to work on that and relate to people more normally." I remember saying something like, "of course you don't agree... you're a narcissist and so you cant look at your true self- it's impossible- so of course you blame me. You only confirmed that i was right!" I think he simply rolled his eyes at me and made some huffing noise and changed the subject. I remember at another time being out to dinner with him after his mask was completely off. I was a nervous wreck. Tryiing to look perfect for him... say the right thing...holding onto his hand... telling him i loved him and that i was scared bc he was SO different and cold. He told me, while i was nervously sitting there hoping to be held or get some reassurance that it was going to be ok, he said- "you couldn't REALLY think someone was THAT nice" and he laughed out loud as though i had told the funniest joke or something. I just started crying quietly ... in the middle of dinner in this restuarant!!! I hurt so badly ... i recall people glancing over at our table. Here he was laughing and i was crying! After i managed to talk through some of those tears i said something like, "then how is it my fault that YOU decided to put forward a FAKE person to get me and then show THE real you nearly a year later... how is that MY fault! You have had the priveledge of always seeing the real me and you were a fake." He stopped laughing. I dont really remember what he said after that.... i only know the he quietly (so as to not attract more attention us) berated me and told me to be smarter in the future... and not so gullable. "You'll believe anything, LOL!" I think he felt very proud of himself for gaining the trust, love, and support from someone who initially rejected HIM. He won.... game over! He basked in his win right in front of my face. Then i pulled away completely and then he came after me with apologies and statements of love... i fell for it- fast forward 7 months and here i am today-- devastated and healing :-(

#8 Aug 18 - 2PM (Reply to #36)

Scoop

chilling

I had the cold as ice face when i was at a confrence with him . I was sitting on a wall not being able to stop crying as he reinforced our break up (he felt the need to tell me we had broken up several times that weekend , he got off on it i swear .. shameful behaviour ) I remember scanning his face for any hint of human feeling but there was nothing , it was truly chilling . He boast he should have been an actor when i mentioned his fake self he had showed me for a year . He then began to tell me there where any 2 women he has ever loved and guess what i wasnt one of them .I remember just looking at him with compleat disbelieve that this was the same men who a few days before was cuddling me all night and telling me how much he loves me . Its such a bizzar condition .I am 2 months no contact and i am only just begining to get my head round what has happened . I cant really remember the last 2 months i have been walking round in a daze , i have things in my fridge i dont even remember buying .I do feel though in the last couple of day i have had longer periods of clarity .I actualy felt today that i liked myself for the first time in a very long time which at this stage can only be a good sign . Peru x

#9 Aug 18 - 3PM (Reply to #37)

April (not verified)

Cold & Callous

My story was much the same with the cold as ice face. I know we are retelling versions of basically the same story. The first D & D was after a night of dancing, talking, sex, and then followed by him making me breakfast in bed. We had just finished having sex again and I asked him something about the status of our relationship. He looked at me coldly, with almost disdain. His eyes were so black and hollow. He said, I never considered you long term potential. You meant nothing to me. It is like i had been hit with a truck. I couldn't believe it. I asked him again, like it was some mistake or joke. Had he heard my question. Same look of bleakness, but this time he said, but you knew that all along and you stayed anyway. He put the blame back on me. It was like he punched me. My mind was reeling from all of the wonderful experiences and all the "imtimacy' we had had. Hell, just an hour ago, he had served me breakfast in bed. He had snuggled me the night before and looked deep into my eyes while making love. WTF??? I had been had. I knew it. I wanted to rage. I didn't know what to do or say. AT that point, you have no dignity. I was still in my bra and underwear to add insult to injury. I picked my clothes off the floor and at this point I was crying uncontrollably. He nearly pushed me out the door saying that he had errands to run. I sat on the sidewalk half dressed, looking like a rape victim I am sure. He called me a week later to tell me he loved me. Sick SOB. This pattern repeated again and again until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I remember during this time lying in the bathtup with the water in the shower running for probably an hour and I just layed there and sobbed. Oh my god, I was demoralized and my power and dignity had been stripped from me. I would walk through the grocery store with a dazed look on my face. I too would throw away most of what was in my fridge. I barely remember even buying it. For months, I was a zombie. I took up smoking again and didn't give a shit. I was a wellness coach but couldn't even come close to practicing what I preached. I was angry with him, with myself, with God, in no particular order. Those long days of misery. I ran through my mind over and over what I could've done. His disdain of me became my disdain of myself. It was sad. I had been made really ripe for abuse after he was my dream man for a year. I was completely trusting and adoring. Peru, I am so glad you are rounding a corner. Your words took me back. To feel moments of liking yourself again is HUGE. That is wonderful. Keep it up. Lean into the strong moments, the moments of clarity. I am now beginning to have more good days than bad ones now. You will like yourself more than not and you will know you are mostly out of the woods. Thank you for your posts; they help me more than you know.

#10 Aug 18 - 7PM (Reply to #38)

cupcake (not verified)

Oh April

April, I just read your cold and callous and can completely relate on some level. Your story just really helped me and I might keep re-reading it today - today is a very bad day for me missing and wanting my N and burning for him. My N was the same. He would be chasing me ALL weekend with phone calls, text messages, telling me how I was the most amazing thing he had ever met and how special I was etc. I once wrote something back that was maybe a bit full on for him like "I look forward to our time together, you are such a wonderful man etc" - thinking this was ok after all the stuff he was telling me. Immediately I got a "there is nothing between you and me, never was never will be. You should go and meet people and find yourself a boyfriend because I know for certain I will NEVER be with you." April, I was cut like nothing else. And it wasn't fair that he did that because he had just spent a whole day telling me stuff that made me thinks, well, he wanted me! He left me for about a week then he came back hot and heavy again and of course I fell for it. I don't understand their hot and cold and up and down (hello Barabara - I know they are not human and aliens!!!) it isn't fair and it really screws you up inside. They really take everytyinig from you. My N would also go from begging (and I mean begging) to see me then the next day he would srping out of bed, leave and I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of weeks. If I tried to talk to him he was cold and callous. Then suddenly when he was in the mood - there he was! Why do I still want him, he is such an evil man!

#11 Aug 18 - 9PM (Reply to #39)

April (not verified)

Hang on- cupcake

Cupcake- I know you feel like you still want him. I too had many times of that after the last D & D. It is like I had temporary amnesia. I would forget it and I was looking for something, some morsel of evidence to prove me wrong. I wanted to be wrong about him. I didn't want to see what a monster he really was. surely, he would come back and make it okay. But he didn't. Everytime I took him back, it only got worse. I ached for him. I did. I knew it was unhealthy and twisted on my part. But like Barbara has said many times, the mind control and manipulation they had done on us was extreme and it doesn't go away over night. What I now know is that I didn't want who he really was, I wanted the pretend version. I still believed that somehow I could make things okay. And I was still in such confusion about why the constant flip flop. I kept trying to get it and stuck around for more abuse. At the point where he left, I felt hollowed out and soulless. IN addition, he had become an addiction. It is true. I was addicted to the highs and lows of it all. I was hooked into trying to make the relationship be "okay" again. I was certainly high on the scale of relationship investment and I was really seeking his approval. Your cravings will subside. The more you learn and educate yourself, the less you will want him. Also, as you begin to feel better about yourself and feel stronger about your decision of NC, it will lessen. But, damn, I have been there. WEW! I would stare at the phone and pace in my apartment. And for god's sake don't drink any alcohol. That is when I would really lose judgement and forget. I swear, there should be an iphone app. that allows you to program numbers in that are off limits to dial. That way, when you are having a weak moment, you have already programmed it in and no way to break it. LOL. I even drove by his house, like I was in junior high just to see what I could see. I laugh at myself now, but I remember the intense pain, confusion, and craving. You will get through this. Hang on! Keep your NC going. YOu will have to do this eventually. You are armed with the knowledge now and it will get harder to lie to yourself. We are here for you. Keep posting and reading. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

#12 Aug 18 - 10PM (Reply to #40)

cupcake (not verified)

Thanks April

Thanks April!! Wow it's like they are all from the same script and so are we! I've always thought of myself as a 'normal' person but since his discardment and finding out he had a girlfriend I've gone a little crazy. You are right about the alcohol - all it does it make me think of him and her happy togehter and makes it worse. I've started to cyber stalk him but I've lessened that through reading posts here and therapy. I told the girlfriend about me and his sister and he called the police and said I was harassing him. So I feel like this deranged strange pyscho person. It's comforting to konw you drove past his house, i was tempted to do that myself and I don't understand why! My therpaist said that was normal too, she had a lawyer with a thesis, a very smart beautiful respectul lady that parked outside his house for amonth after her discardment and ould call him 100 times a day. I guess it happens to the best of us doesn't matter who you are or how educated, it hurts! Thanks for your words, I hope the cravings for him susbside soon. I wish I got the last word with him but that enver would have happened. You are right I miss pretend guy and not the guy he really is!!!

#13 Aug 18 - 11PM (Reply to #41)

Barbara (not verified)

cupcake - cravings

they are all alike because PATHOLOGY IS PREDICTABLE... it is THEIR pathology that makes us what we become. http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/predictibility-of-pathology.html It's also known as Emotional Rape Syndrome or Narcissist Victim Syndrome: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/02/what-is-emotional-rape-emotional-rape.html http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/11/narcissism-victim-syndrome-new.html (print out the stuff on these 2 links and take them to your therapist cupcake. And WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS when you get it) *********** The early days of being wooed and lured by a psychopath are the most exciting times that women remember. Consistently described as â€œcharmingâ€ the psychopath is irresistible in his 'personality' traits. Women described him as â€œa charming and engaging conversationalist, agreeable, insightful, sweet, twinkling eyes, a compelling talker, funny, a great storyteller, fun to be with, delightful, exciting, companionable, loyal, enthusiastic, upbeat, fun-loving, intense, and sensitive.â€ From this list of traits, itâ€™s easy to see why women are enamored with his personality. By this list, whatâ€™s not to like? During the Luring stage, he is highly complimentary. Psychopaths use intensity and then flattery to overwhelm her emotionally, and then set her at ease. The purpose of the luring stage is to hook her. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the psychopathâ€™s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. IMPORTANT: While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in the BONDING-hormone oxytocin (from all the sex - either actual, cybersex, phone sex or sext-ing - the same hormone is released every time in the victim but NOT the pathological), and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives togetherâ€¦ the psychopath is solidifying his INTERNAL imprint WITHIN her by his use of Trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS And that's just a teeny taste of the book... ********** What you describe sounds chapter & verse like Psycho-Boy. I hope their mothership comes back soon! BTW - took me about 30 months for the craving to go away... and I was heavily medicated and spent time in a clinic. This takes months and months to really abate - does your therapist agree you were the target of a pathological? do they GET what serious hormonal & psychological harm they do? I hope you get WWLP soon! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#14 Aug 16 - 8PM

cupcake (not verified)

For Jessika

It's ok - we have all done that! I know what you mean. Mine chase me relenteslly - and I mean REALLY chased. If I didn't pick up the phone within an hour he would call again if I chose to ignore him a flood of messages "where are you where are you" and accusations about me being with another man. It was crazy. He went from that to nothing, not taking my calls ignoring me so of course I went a little bit crazy and started texting him too much. I just wanted closure and needed to know what was goin gon but basically he discarded me after he was exposed to having a serious girlfriend and me on the side. It hurts so much he never should have chased me if he was in a relationship or said or done all the wonderful things he did. I'm not left confused alone not knowing what happened!! I hate it I lost my dignity too, he hung up on me when I tried to call him so in my mind he has the last word. I feel like a desperate loser too. I guess we just have to understand that one day it will pass and we will learn and grow stronger from this situation. I am up an dodwn all the time, I hate it tha the he is out there happy and safe and having fun with her and he has destroyed me and my self esteem and my hopes and belief in love. Keep reading hte posts and articles - they are all the same and won't change. Hang in there!

#15 Aug 16 - 8PM

dolce (not verified)

Not a loser!

You were hurting. Give yourself a break. Just move forward, no matter the mistakes you think you make. Start again. No contact. It's not too late to feel your power. :)

#16 Aug 16 - 5PM

Barbara (not verified)

cyberstalking

it usually never stops unless you confront him. Can you get hard copies of proofs of him stalking you online? You should report him to IC3.gov (reminder - they are 3 years behind on checking up on people) and your local police (demand they make a report and don't leave until they do & give you a copy of the report. If they try to blow you off speak to a supervisor or your local senator or congressperson's office) You might want to open a blog or site and post all the proofs - like I did - along with his name... to show he's projecting and HE's the stalker. This often produces a few months of rage until they realize they can't fight the truth and slink away. Also post him on the exposure sites: www.peepsheet.com www.playerblock.com www.truedater.com www.matchinform.com PLEASE!!! usually whatever they accuse you of is projection - usually it's stuff THEY are doing. Don't do nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#17 Aug 16 - 5AM

tasha

same here

yeah i know exactly how you are feeling RIGHT NOW, I'm sure my ex was seeing with other women when I was pregnant,he begged me to keep the baby-but our relationship was a sham!how could I bring a child into that?too many red flags!!! Anyway I lost the baby...too much stress I think-I was glad in a way I could leave and not look back That's when the stalking started-I broke the no contact rule to ask him if he was stalking me-he denied it,told me that I was nutcase!and that I was using it as an excuse to get in contact with him and I should 'MOVE ON'-and that he had found a 'REAL WOMAN' all this TWO WEEKS AFTER WE SPLIT UP and lost the baby-HE WANTED! BUT then offered to find out who was doing it-he had collegues in the Policeforce-now doesnt that strike you as strange? Understand Im out of my mind at this time!my phone rings constantly and then the caller hangs up-quickly followed by my cell ringing(private number)then caller hangs up,someone is signing into my msn account while Im talking to friends!my parents are getting the anonymous phone calls!!sitting outside my house late at night and then driving off when I open the front door. This went on for about 2 months...I confronted him again...by this time his other 'WOMAN' has left him apparently because he tells her-he still has feelings for me! I get roped in again because he needs someone and silly me I actually think that he cares for me-yeah right!!!He then raped me when I wouldnt give him sex. Then denied doing it and discarded me.I kept texting him to get hIm to acknowlege what he did to me(stalking me and raping me)-he told me HE was sick of me AND I WAS CRAZY!!and to move on!!! He also threatened to kill all that I love(my children and my parents)-and that his soul purpose in life would be cause me misery.

#18 Aug 16 - 1PM (Reply to #26)

neveragain

OMG, Tasha!!

Is there anyway you can move to another city? That man is extremely dangerous. I hope you've documented all the activity you described. If not, start now. Go back in your memory and write down all the dates and times and describe exactly what happened: hang ups, drive bys, computer activity, all conversations, etc. You cannot contact him under any circumstances....even to find out if he's stalking you. They like attention of any kind so even contacting him for that should not be done. Change your phone numbers, block him from calling or emailing. Take photo's of his car outside your house with a newspaper in the shot so you can see the date. Document all the times he called your parents or friends and what was said. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Your very life is at stake here. I'm so sorry you lost the baby but I'm very glad that you will not be tied to that man in any way for the rest of your life. (I wasn't so lucky). You should also get a restraining order. With all the documentation on his erratic and alarming activities, that shouldn't be a problem. You have to take control of this situation. GET OUT and STAY OUT. Move if you have to. It's worth your peace of mind....believe me, because I'VE BEEN THERE. neveragain

#19 Aug 16 - 3PM (Reply to #27)

Barbara (not verified)

restraining order

I agree - get a restraining order NOW! http://www.womenslaw.org/laws_state_type.php?statelaw_name=Restraining%20Orders&state_code=GE This guy sounds like a psychopath, IMHO ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#20 Aug 16 - 5PM (Reply to #28)

tasha

barbara & neveragain thankyou

I have since moved and taken every precaution to be safe.I havent had in contact with him for 5 months now. Im thankful for this site, I honestly thought I WAS INSANE-he had convinced me I was,all that self doubt stuff and questioning myself-and making it seem like I was stalking him!I have never come across anyone who had been in a similar situation,I don't talk about what happened to me to anyone anymore-they think I should get over it-or that I must be still hooked on him.THEY JUSY DONT UNDERSTAND. Im thankful for everyones storys and posts.I love comming here to just read,understand and process what I have been through. He still stalks me online,when does this stop? Ive changed everything-still he finds me online.BUT he's always a got never ending supply of women-dating sites.

#21 Aug 15 - 9PM

insectt (not verified)

I don't have a degree in anything special...

...except humour and I 'self diagnosed' my N with IPD (Insensitive Personality Disorder) when I was still his 'best friend'. He thought it was wonderful! He made an icon for it (a man's face looking forward two womens faces on either side looking towards the man's face). He made a definition for it. He said he had to make a public broadcast commercial for it so to to get young sufferers with 'IPD' help while the they are still young....and though it isn't curable, it can be managed... Then, the more I thought about it, the more I remembered one of my psych classes from college and fainly remembered something abaout a 'narcisstic personality disorder'. For the hell of it, I googled it from work...I was flabbergasted! That was my guy! 98% of the traits!! But at the time I was still in the 'idealization' phase. I thought I could be 'immune' from his attacks and devaluation since I had 'insight' into his true personality. I was his 'best friend' among other things...nobody gets rid of a 'best friend'...right? Well, here I am two years later...about ten months into discovering NPD and three months into idealization. I helped him buy a house last year. Tonight he is off with his girlfriend and I am here typing this. Which is good because the less I see him, the easier it is for me. I pretty much have the house to myself at night since he stays at her house every single night. So, no matter what you know about NPD, don't beat yourself up. They are wired to DEWIRE us..no matter who we are and how much clinical training we had/have (or don't have). I HAVE to think that way. If I don't I will self destruct. I came out of an 18 year monogomous realtionship before I got involved with my N. I can tell you, I have felt more deep, internalized pain, confusion, self doubt and somehow lost my boundries in the mere two years I was with my N the the WHOLE 18 years I was with my ex. It sucks. But I am recovering. If I don't beleive I will recover then I will lose myself. Even though there are days and nights where I bawl and feel like flinging myself off a cliff. The more I tell myself, it WASN'T my fault that I DIDN'T do anything wrong except unconditionally love this guy....the stronger I become. And I come here, too, to reinforce it. I would rather be obsessed with this message board then my N.

#22 Aug 15 - 1PM

neveragain

The Confusion Is The Worst Part

Being confused by a Narcissist is such a difficult thing to deal with. One minute they LOVE LOVE lOVE you and the next, you're treated like a crust of stale bread. It's such a mind twisiting, cruel thing to do to someone. Yet, they do it all the time. They don't care how you feel. They don't want to be responsible for meeting any of your needs. Only THEIR needs matter. You are window dressing, a life sized Barbie Doll to be taken out a played with and then put back in her carrying case when he's done. It's so awful to realize that the Pretend Boy that you met....the one who pursued you and seemed too good to be true is really a shell, a card board cutout of a man. He's a fake and a phony. The pain and hurt caused by being involved with a man like that is so devastating. You are not alone in that pain. We have all been exposed to it and have found ways to deal with it. First of all, do NOT blame yourself or anything you did. It's not your fault. It's like you were in the bank when the robber came in to rob it. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. (I just disolved my match.com account.) Please keep reading here....there are ways to deal with this. It's massively important and I can't stress it enough but you MUST practice NO CONTACT. You will protect yourself and your precious heart from further damage if you begin to really enforce No Contact. I'm so sorry you're hurting and I want to offer you some soothing words. This isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. YOU WILL BE OKAY. It will take time but if you learn as much as you can about this Narcissism stuff, it will be like someone turned on a lightbulb in your head. Hugs, neveragain

#23 Aug 15 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

Barbara (not verified)

here's some information about the confusion for you

http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/08/10/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts

#24 Aug 15 - 12PM

Carolyn

You did what everyone does.

You did what everyone does. You were ok for a few weeks and then missed the good parts of the relationship and you took action. this is the normal way it works for the majority of women in your situation. Now he rejected you the second time and you feel ashamed for what you think you did that was wrong. I think you are doing great! these men enjoy creating negative emotional re-actions in women. they offer the dream but it never happens it is always just disappointment. Look at all of the things you are dealing with at one time: loss, disappointment, a break-up, shame, embarassment, lonliness etc. You are a very brave woman who met the wrong guy and got burned. You have to put some salve on those burns. He was a monster in disguise. Your dream is out there but with someone who is normal and not cruel, manipulative, controlling, and into abandonment.

#25 Aug 15 - 12PM

quietude (not verified)

jessika

I'm sorry this happened to you, you didn't bring it on, and you certainly didn't deserve it. When we are discarded so cruely by a narcissist, our reactions include immense pain, sadness, confusion, questioning ourselves, a huge hit to our already compromised self-esteem, and feelings of 'I should have known better or seen it coming". The first thing to do is learning how these people work, how they operate. This will help you understand that this is their sickness, this has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. Read through the forums, you'll see many stories similar to your own, you will be amazed that they are nearly identical. You were used by a predator, happens to the best of us. They are master manipulators, so please don't be so hard on yourself by becoming involved. Hang in there, and keep reading!

#26 Aug 15 - 12PM

confused123

Hey jessika xx Im quite new

Hey jessika xx Im quite new to the forum too and trying to figure things out myself still , but i can say you are not alone and have come to the right place xx .... I have had SO much support and advice from these guys on here and i dont expect many people actually understand what your going through from being with a narcissist! ... I felt the same as you - all my hopes were built up and i thought he wanted what i wanted - my ideal man , untill one day he felt it right to drop me , all for wondering about and telling him what i need out of the relationship. exactly a week ago today i was getting told in one breath he loved me , and the next he wants me to move on!! ... He turned up unknowingly and said the same as your Narc but to my face. Stay strong and know you are not alone, I have been back and forth to mine alot and the relationship , and i've found the more i go back , the harder it is and the worse his narcissism gets. Try not to be tempted (Barbara is a pro at this bit) ... Lol! x When you say - "He dumped me via email the day after i told him i wasnt pregnant (a pregnancy i thought we both wanted). That was 3 months ago." ... - Do you mean you told him you WAS pregnant , or you WASN'T ? - he finished it because you found out you were pregnant? x Loads of Love , C xxx

#27 Aug 15 - 1PM (Reply to #2)

Jessika (not verified)

Hi Confused123, Im sorry for

Hi Confused123, Im sorry for what you are going through, too! To answer your question- No i am not/ was not pregnant. It was something he and i were planning (tracking ovulation; temperature, etc- he was onboard). We only tried for that one month. Then i got my monthly visitor- so of course that meant i wasnt pregnant. So i called him for comfort and to express that i was sad that our attempt didnt work. OUT OF THE BLUE the next day he sent me an email telling me he was tired of my negativity. Never did he comfort me or say one thing about the nonpregnancy. He obviously had a new source of supply and was pretty glad that there was no baby so that i would just go away.

#28 Aug 15 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

Jessika (not verified)

Thanks everybody for those

Thanks everybody for those words... it helps. The thing that gets me is that for ME it is not about understanding the disorder of NPD -- I have a Ph.D in psychology, I have evaluated this population (NEVER TREATED- I'm not a therapist). They came to me for reasons other than psych treatment - typically for evals of possible adhd, etc. In the course of testing (some of it is personality testing)- i find that some of them have an Axis II disorder (NPD). That was one of the reasons i thought i could 'handle' my NPD ex. I figured since i understood his condition, that i would be ok. Let me tell you ladies... there is no amount of training/ experience with this population from a diagnostic and textbook position that prepares you for the pain! I am reading the book by Dr. Scott Peck, "People of the Lie" OMG i wish i had read this last year- I would have realized that no amount of goodness i had in me to offer him was going to help him or make me safe with him. how can someone with a doctorate in psych... who knew my ex was an NPD BEFORE the relationship even started, feel so hurt and get so wrapped up with such a monster. i have so much guilt for that. I KNEW BETTER- however didnt behave better. I allowed myself to get blinded by all the attention and money he was throwing at me.... and just 'forgot' the evil being that he really was! Evil people destroy life. Evil is dangerous! These are things i have known for years. I struggle with my guilt, bc i wasn't so innocent. My job has taught me to know better- yet i didnt DO better. Then even worse i cried to him to take me BACK! I'm so disappointed in me. I feel like- "what kind of psychologist am I" if i would willingly get involved with an N. I have to start to forgive myself for so many things.. letting myself down as a professional and also as a woman by trying to get him to come back. I think many of you got with your N and didnt know they were EVIL. But i knew mine was evil. I recall thinking he was very robotic and fake when i met him.I feel at fault for my pain. I am trying to remember that healing is a process, however when you've been in pain for 3 months straight you feel SO tired of it. I look at his life with so much envy. This guy has the perfect life. Eveything is taken care of for him.... everyone caters to him. He has a staff of people who do everything for him ... he makes over 4 million a year and has EVERYTHING he wants. I feel so angry that he gets this glamorous life and happily moved on to the next conquest... and he just threw me away- hurt me, cheated on me, blamed me, told me i was negative, not there for him, etc. All i wanted was to have a normal relationship and family. I am hurting over everything :-( I miss my old self so much!

#29 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

cassiemay

oh yeah....

Jessika, I have an MA in psychology and have been a therapist for 15 years. I was married to a narcissist for 23 years and am just now finalizing a divorce that has taken over 2 and 1/2 years. Just because we are in the "field" doesn't make us any more immune to being emotionally traumatized or taken advantage of. It isn't fair to criticize yourself for falling for this guy. They are master manipulators and we have needs like everyone else, so it is only Human to respond to those. All relationships are different and certainly there are a lot of factors that come into play when one ends. I know that I am not blameless, but I also know that most of what HE blamed me for is ridiculous and simply a way to rationalize his unbelievably cruel and inhumane treatment of me when I was emotionally and physically unable to be his best supply source. He needed it too much and when I couldn't give it anymore because of some personal problems I was experiencing he found it immediately with a nurse. He dropped me like a used kleenex and there was no going back. He found new supply and couldn't have cared less about me anymore. There was no loyalty, no compassion, no insight. So.....I shriveled. I no longer recognized myself. I hated myself. I drank myself into oblivion. I considered suicide too many times to count. Only with the support of friends and family did I make it through to the other side and believe me....it Does happen if you can hang in there. I too am envious of my ex and all of his money and power. But I try to remember how awful I felt with him: how in order to be with him at all I had to lose myself. Until finally there was nothing left of "me". Hmmm....wonder why I became so depressed in the first place? I had been so brainwashed into believing he was the "sun" in this world that it has taken me years to be able to reflect back and see truly what was so much a part of our marriage: me making him feel good and look good and giving in to any whim he had whether I agreed or liked it or not. Don't blame yourself. Learn what you can and leave the rest. Put it to rest. You will be okay. CM

#30 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

cassiemay

oh yeah....

#31 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

cassiemay

oh yeah....

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