lisasingsfree's story

I have been with who I think is a N for 5 years. We are married and I have 2 children (by a previous N). He has been a porn addict, with other forms of acting out off and on.

A couple of times he has kicked me, and once spit on me. The main thing he does which has driven me to the brink of insanity is when we have an argument, he shuts up, screams at me to shut up, and totally avoids me as he sits in front of the computer or the t.v. This will go on for about 3 days.

The sitting at the computer makes me insane because I don't know if he's going to look at porn. I have become crazy afraid to leave the house because a couple of times when we have fought he has gone to adult theaters to watch porn and others having sex. If he sees me crying or I confront him and let him know how angry and hurt I am, he laughs at me which is incredibly panful. He says we're going to break up, and I go through all the pain of dealing with that and figuring out how I'm going to support my two children alone (their N father does not pay child support), and then a few days later he comes back and says he's sorry and that he can't live without me. This happens almost every weekend, but definitely every other weekend. It happened again this weekend.

To deal with the pain of his insisting I leave him alone, I have begun drinking. I feel so totally desperate and ashamed that I cannot be the mother I want to be. Today I ran out into the backyard screaming for him to leave me alone. When he came after me telling me "I have to get myself together" I went into my car in the front and locked the doors for him just to leave me alone. Then he came out and said he was going to work (he normally does not work on Mondays). I told him he wasn't going to work and I ripped his shirt, tearing the buttons right off -- right there in the front yard so all the neighbors could see. I am insane, and yet, once he left the house to go to work, I felt better. A bit afraid of it being over, but better.

He says again that the marriage is over, and part of me know that is the thing I want, but a part of me is scared to death. Maybe it is all me as he says. Is it me? I am co-dependent, a woman who grew up without a father -- I know I have problems and am myself addicted to being loved, but is it ALL me? He laughs at my pain and cannot see why I act out the way I do.

Maybe I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe I'm the narcissist. I don't believe this to be the case, but maybe I am crazy.

Sorry so long. Please help and give me some feedback.

Thank you.