WHY?

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#1 Jul 4 - 1PM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

WHY?

I find it puzzling and maybe someone can further explain why they do this. Why on earth would they call a refined, classy, attractive, talented, woman names such as: gutter slut, 10$ hooker, anorexic bitch, and much more I dont care to mention. Dont they know deep down none of that is true?

Jul 5 - 10AM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Took me awhile

Took me awhile to see what was going on.. and even after I did it was still surreal and I would try and try to stick it out, figure it out, sooth his inner demons, get him to see... blah blah blah.... I just finished reading Women Who Love Psychopaths and found that one of our worst traits in this situation (and best in regular life) is our ability to be tolerant and strong. We stick it out, we stand up to it, we refuse to let him get the best of us... but we are no match in the end, because we lack the "evil" mind that wants to win at all costs. But mine would say things like, "You sound stoooopppiddd Sandy." Over and over again when I had made some comment or other trying to be reasonable. He's just keep saying it as I would try to speak. When I would say "Don't call me stupid." He would say, "I didn't call you stupid, I said you sound stupid. THat's not calling you a name." He would make fun of my college and my college friends (who he had known a lot of them). He would refer to us as "you people" can get off your F'ing high horse and stop looking down at everybody. He came to bed one night not long ago - about 4 months ago before it all broke down and he went to mommy's (remember he's 52 1/2 years old) and wanted me to talk to him at 3:00 in the morning. I said I didn't want to talk, so he started with his pouting and how I never do what he wants. So I started talking and telling him how I felt about stuff. He started working himself up about my thoughts and turned over glaring at me like the devil and growled (and I mean literally) "YOU ARE A DISGUSTING PIECE OF S___." I was utterly stunned and left the room to sleep on the couch. One time when he was sitting at the table in the living room/dining room and I was sitting on the couch talking to him about some other incident, he apparently stopped liking what I had to say and this look came over his face (that I remember journaling about and describing it as a possessed look - it wasn't his face) and he said, "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK." Again, stunned. I could go on and on. The weird thing was that the only thing he didn't ever verbally abuse me about was how I looked. He never called me fat (which I'm not fat, but like most women in their 40s could probably drop 10 and wish the cellulite on the upper thighs would magically disappear :)) but he would always refer to me as beautiful and babydoll when in a good mood. When in a horrifying mood, he actually never attacked that. WHich I found interesting in a strange way because I've gone through my share of insecurity about my looks. I'm all American average "cute" I suppose - but went through my "I'll never look like the beauties" phase. Getting over it. 40 does have it's advantages ladies. WHat I figured out is that what he verbally and emotionally abused me about was all the things about my character that I was completely strong in. I.E. my sense of fairness, empathy, intelligence... blah blah blah. Those were the things he attacked. He wanted to take what was strongest in me and tear it down. He attacked my job all the time. ALL THE TIME. Geez, I talk way too much... that probably is true.... I type really fast and have way too much feeling right now so sorry for the long posts. But I see some of the things written and want so much to not only continue to heal myself by relating, but also to give back something in terms of validating the crap you all are dealing with too.
Jul 5 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Finallydone

There they to again with the predictable pathology. Mine would say "What are you an IDIOT?" when I would say that I didn't appreciate being called an idiot he would say, "I never said that!" "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 5 - 3AM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

um...

they just want to break a person down...any abuser/bully does, the more you have, the more they put you down...it's not necessarily based on how much they dont like themselves, which they don't most of the time, but they need to put u down to make themselves feel better, like most out there in society do but the goal is to make you miserable and destroy your self esteem and sense of self and degrade you , they also have a lot of bitterness inside them and it's a way of taking out all their internal anger on a target object...the rage and hate they have pent up inside themselves is lethal deep and part of their disorder...them projecting it onto their surroundings is their way of venting and unleashing that bitterness they have
Jul 4 - 11PM
devoured_soul (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they dont like themselves,

they dont like themselves, they find you a threat and a challenge. To me, the entire NPD is confusing and laced with seeming contradiction...he hates himself yet loves his false self. He hates you but loves the challenge in the intelligent, classy, beautiful woman. I've not had the blatant put downs. More subtle, like, "your legs are sooooo skinny". (I have not worn shorts since last summer). And once he was rubbing my feet (to my 500 times of rubbing his) and he said "you have weird toes". Yup, no more open toed shoes for me. He informed me once that he "made a list of pros and cons" on me. Any one see the Friends episode when Ross does that to Rachel? Yeah, I never would have made a list about him. That's not love in any sense of the word. I have not seen him for 2 weeks. He texted me today, "Hi lisa" (notice how I am even unworthy of having my name start with a capitol L? How much more difficult is that?) I responded.... scroll down more... scroll some more I RESPONDED ZERO! ZILCH! HE CAN KISS THIS AND i DONT MEAN ON MY RUBY RED LIPS!!! OH, BELIEVE ME, LADIES. i WANTED TO. THE NICE SIDE OF ME JUST WANTED TO TEXT BACK, HI, LEN. THAT'S IT. BUT OH WHAT A CAN OF WORMS THAT WOULD HAVE OPENED. REST ASSURED HE WAS OUT WITH HIS EX AND THE GRAND DAUGHTER ANYWAY...SHE IS A MORE IMPORTANT NS SINCE SHE TOOK HALF HIS MONEY AND HE'D LOVE TO HAVE IT BACK CUZ IT DEFINES HIM. THEY CAN HAVE THEIR SICK DANCE. AU REVOIR. Un amour qui hante mon coeur à jamais... un amour pour l'éternité et l'espoir de trouver la paix un jour... des mots qu'un amoureux parti ne verra pas... "A love that forever haunts my heart.. love for eternity and a hope to find peace some day."
Jul 5 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Devoured soul

Mine used to text me the same thing during our separation, " Hi jodi" yeah that was the extent of it. Kind of patronizing...as if see how great I am that I'm thinking about you and extending myself...yet it's a very impersonal text, such a narcissistic text. I wouldn't respond either, he hasn't tried contacting in months, he has a new girlfriend, my brother ran into them and my Nhusbabd kept hugging him telling him how much he loved him yet know no shame in the fact that he's cheating on his wife!!! "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 5 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

"no" shame I meant....I

"no" shame I meant....I always have spelling errors on this damn iPhone! Ha "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jul 4 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

so true

masturbation is as close as they get to having sex with themselves. Psycho-Boy used to web-phone me and I could hear him "going at it" while talking to me. UGH!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jul 4 - 1PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Cynthia

I believe it's because they don't like themselves, so if they can tear down and belittle someone who obviously does have respect for themselves, it makes them feel better about how awful they really are deep down. They say about other people the things they actually feel about themselves. They don't think. They don't reason. They just act. They don't care if it's true or not, all they care about is themselves and whatever they are trying to accomplish. What's the joke, How do you know when a Narc is lying? His mouth is moving?
Jul 4 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

like your answer

That is projection right Denise? Hey I am getting good arent I ha ha I keep telling myself what my counselor always told me, "Break contact, he is unhealthy for you and everyone", he said you have been mentally damaged but you can recover 100% from this". Its the worst experience I have ever lived through and it gets better as the weeks go by but I have never known such emotional pain and I still ask why me? Why did I have to get targeted by a pathological and I know that is an unfair question because life is not fair and people who have suffered tragedies far greater than mine I most certainly admire and how they survived. We all were victims of extreme betrayal of the worst kind, the time, love energy we gave never knowing until it was too late that we were never loved back, we were laughed at behind our backs, swindled, conned. We were left crying, traumatized, shocked, and they will never know these feelings because they dont have them, you feel raped in every sense of the word and for awhile I shut my heart off from the world, but little by little I am starting to feel again and the numbness is fading. Its taken almost a year to get this far, this is one of those experiences I will never look back at and laugh thats for sure, just trying to find peace with it all, I hope you had a nice 4th wherever you are and you are at peace today and your days get better too
Jul 4 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cynthia - WHY

Lisa explains this beautifully: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2008/05/28/are-narcissists-warped-sexually
Jul 4 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Good Article

If I hear the word masturbation again it will be too soon, that is all he did and spoke of and to think I was at one time worried his supposid girlfriend satisfied him, ya right. I suppose I should post my story someday so others can understand better and I will benefit from the support of this site, our aim is to help each other stay strong and get thru this and put it behind us as we heal and move on. They are all pretty much the same arent they? The pathological, oh they all have their own thing they are into but they all seem to have perversion to a high degree and they love to take a woman of ethics and morals and degrade her then throw her on the curb like garbage, seems if you are a woman and have sex you are automatically a whore in their eyes, well thats because since they cant love they would never stop to think that sex can also be an expression of love with your partner not an act of perversion as they turn it into.
Jul 5 - 1AM (Reply to #4)
Marie
Marie's picture

Terrible sex

Sex was terrible with my N. The first time with him was so disappointing. He later confessed that he had been up until 3 am the night before masturbating. He did then blame me that the sex was terrible because I'm not shaped correctly. That I don't get, never had problems with anyone else or at least they never complained. And that's the other thing whenever we got into fights, he liked to insinuate that I've been with "many" guys. Utterly untrue. I'm not a one night stand type person any guys I was with intimately I had been with for a few years. I seemed to notice this is a generalization of his any guy I think he feels threatened by must be gay and most women are whores. A neighbor had a baby recently one month early. He jokingly said maybe that's what she told her husband wink, wink. I suggested than maybe it was his since he seemed to know something. No, he said, all his was in a cup by his bed. Just sick. I wish he had said stuff like this when we first met, I would have never gotten involved.