I should be happy

Had an argument with NH last night, brought on because he was being way too rough with me sexually. I was afraid he was going to hurt me and I told him that. He said he had all this pent up passion for me, and he was sorry I didn’t like what he was doing. (I noticed that he said he was sorry that I DIDN’T LIKE WHAT HE WAS DOING and not that he was sorry he was so rough with me.) He also said it was my fault he was so rough with me. He then turned caring and asked me what I wanted sexually. Frankly, at that point, I was trying to regroup from the rough treatment; I wasn’t even in the mood to do anything at that point. This is coupled with the fact that it was nearly midnight and I am currently recovering from walking pneumonia. I had just started back to work on Monday, after being off due to the pneumonia too. Eventually, I asked him for what I wanted. He then proceeded to become “playful” with me and told me to just TAKE what I wanted. I told him that wasn’t my personality. I have respect and consideration for my partner and prefer to ASK for what I want instead of just doing something my partner may not like. He kept goading me, LITERALLY poking at me, so I tried to do what he asked. That wasn’t good enough though. He continued to goad me and tell me he was “being playful” with me. But as he was “being playful” he was saying things like, “Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 15 years?” and he was implying I was boring in the bedroom through other comments he made. Eventually, I just got ticked off and rolled on my side away from him. This is not the first time he has said things like that, which just wrecks my self-confidence. The things he says are especially hurtful because I have done everything he has EVER asked of me sexually, whether I agreed with it or not – I have bent my life inside out for him and went against my values for him. I have changed everything he has ever asked me to change. I have been coerced into doing things I was uncomfortable with too. Anyway, then he started going off about how I don’t meet his sexual needs and it escalated from there. He asked me whether I wanted him to leave, whether I wanted a divorce. When I started crying, he started with his usual BS and attempted to make every issue in our relationship my fault. He didn’t address any of the hurtful things he has said and done to me, and he changed the subject several times until I was almost dizzy.

Long story short, at the end of it all, he said I should make a decision about whether or not we get a divorce. He just foisted the decision on me. He refused to say what his thoughts were on the matter other than “I don’t know.” I SHOULD be happy. I have wanted a divorce for a while. Between the constant criticism, moodiness and mean comments he dishes out, as well as his porn addiction (for which he shows absolutely no remorse or willingness to change), I have felt trapped and hopeless. But since he has put this enormous decision on my shoulders, I am now having doubts about everything, wondering if I have been too hard on him – but at the same time, I can’t live like this. I can’t continue to cater to him sexually. It’s never enough, no matter what I do. I can’t continue to change for him. I am exhausted. I have lost myself; I am so focused on trying to make HIM happy.

I think I am going to move forward with the divorce. I don’t know how to pick up the pieces of myself though. I don’t know who I am – I have been with NH for over half my life (I6.5 years). I have never been on my own. I don’t even know where to start. Getting a lawyer and filing the paperwork, I don’t think will be difficult, since Barbara was kind enough to provide the Board with plenty of resources. It’s what happens next – dealing with the emotional fallout, struggling with self-doubts (is he an N, isn’t he an N – I mean, I feel like there’s proof he is with the lack of empathy, blame shifting, constant criticism, manipulation, erosion of my self-confidence, my inability to confront him about anything…), trying to explain things to my daughter and my family…

What do you ladies think? How did you pick up the pieces of your life and move forward? How do you discover who you are when you have been trying to be someone else for your N for so long? How do you explain things to your child(ren)? How do you deal with the doubts and remembrance of the good times with the N? How do you recover from the experience – how do you ever trust a man again?