Need some support

I'm crying again. WHY am I crying???? He is actually taking out the last of his stuff. SHouldn't I feel relieved? Shouldn't I feel that the pressure is off - almost off? Wasn't I supposed to feel like this is cause for celebration?

There are days I am so angry about his behavior. And other days I feel pretty good and not worried about it... but every single night I have dreams and nightmares. Every day I wake up and get through the day. But regardless of how well or how badly I handle the day.... I feel completely disconnected from life. Like I don't belong anywhere. Like I'm now watching the whole thing as if it were just a movie and I'm not really there. My son goes to see his dad for a week tomorrow and when I come home nobody will be there and nobody will even care or know if I get there.

I read other people's storied and even talked to my neighbor a lot today (who was having the garage sale). She had a textbook N for an ex-husband - totally controlling high power doctor who wanted dinner on the table or threw plates across the floor and then did get violent with her when she left him. Then she hooked up with a cheating miserable SOB after that and was with him for 5 years - went single for three years and has now met somebody who makes her happy. So far... and I think there's hope.

But right now... right this second... I am scared to death adn can't figure out how I can sometimes still feel like I love him so much and he doesn't seem to care. He is whistling while he is moving boxes out of the house. But last night he seemed so downtrodden. I am never going to see him again and I loved him more than I have ever loved anybody. I really did. And then I sit and think, "What have I done? Was he really that bad?" And so I come back here and go through checklists, I remember sitting in parking lots with a pounding heart and calling friends in tears because of the horrible things he said to me. I think about trying to get ready for work and him demanding I talk to him and telling me "F that job!" Being woken up at 4:30 in the morning and trying to talk him down from whatever thing he was so upset about and being totally consumed by this relationship. Every trip ruined, every holiday, all my birthdays.... When he threatned to tell my son "what an A--- hole his father was." and having to leave work to get home before my son did because I was afraid he would say horrible things to him. And he never did... he just threatened me with it because he was mad at me for something or other. And then threatening to leave me over and over again when he couldn't get his way. Telling me I was psychotic and had to get professional help or he would leave me... and I actually did. But I ended up talking to the therapist about emotional and verbal abuse. When I told him he had to get help for his temper or I couldn't stay in... he first made excuses about money and then just avoided the topic altogether. Finally coming to... "I realize you think I have behavioral problems.... but I think I'm a pretty good guy when I add it all up."

All these things count don't they? This was very bad behavior right? To always wonder when the next shoe would drop. To have heart palpitations when he got up too early in the morning because I had learned that this was never ever a good thing.

I sometimes think it is me. I have a lot of friends, I get along with my family, I have a kind hearted son, I am respected at a job I've been at for about 10 years and I am halfway to a Masters Degree. I know that I am technically intelligent and am definitely compassionate and am not unattractive.... but I feel like I just couldn't measure up. No matter how hard I tried... he just kept finding fault and said horrible horrible things. And when I couldn't take anymore... I would say horrible things back to him.

And now that he's actually going to leave... and I know it's the right thing.... I am scared to death and feel rejected and am still wondering how he can walk away like this when his life is so much better than when he showed up?

I'm trying to make sense of all these conflicting emotions and the best thing I can come up with is that I desperately want off this emotional roller coaster.... but I really wanted to fix it rather than end it... and that was never going to happen was it? I could have stayed in this for the rest of my life and just regretted that much more. It's actually easier when he's being mean... because I don't start to feel sad. When I can stay mad at him... I don't regret it when he walks out the door.

I'm 41 years old and I don't think I'll ever trust another man again as long as I live. I don't see how I can. And that sounds very lonely for a very long time. I wish I could just fast forward through all this pain.