Narcissists, Control and Sex

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#1 June 20, 2009 - 12:15am
Amy's picture

Narcissists, Control and Sex

1st I want to say I really appreciate Lisa and this web site.
Wow... I didn't realize how many people dealt with this issue.

So... I should have known better. My ex BF and I split after 3 years, I went to therapy 3 times, and the therapist told me that he was a narcissist and he WOULD come back. Yes, he did, and I believed he was sorry... It lasted another year and a half-ish before I left him for good.

So anyway, back to the OT.

A few times during the initial 3 years, he asked me to kiss other women, sometimes more. Not often enough that I thought it was a requirement. There was one drunk night in Cancun (before the NPD was more obvious) that we almost "swapped" and it freaked me out. To him, it was "just sex". To me it was sanctioned cheating. That stuck with me a while...

So when we got back together, the first few months were great (of course!). Then he started hating his new job because he still wasn't(isn't) a VP and is pushing 40. I know - BFD! NOTHING is ever good enough for this man. He makes A TON of $$$$$$$.

Anyway, we started going to a swinger's club "just to check it out". It was BYOB. At first I didn't drink much. Then the trips became more frequent, and he was asking me to dance on the stripper pole, do stuff with girls - "come on baby, I have had such a hard week and I need to blow off some steam". I was regularly hitting half a bottle of vodka when we were there just to deal. I felt like meat.

The less control he felt he had over his life, the more he wanted over mine. It was insane. I hated it. HATED IT! Honestly, the first few times there were cool. It was like the silly fantasies I had were explored and I was happy with that.

At the end, when I knew I was done, I refused to drink at that club. I also would not get undressed. I was told I was "no fun" and that he "needed to blow off some steam".

He, after 4 and a half years and promises of marriage, had recently informed me he didn't feel like he could get married. We would continue to just spend every other weekend at his house.

I informed him that it seemed like I was good enough for the swinger's club, but not for marriage.

The next day he said I told him "we would have no fun unless he married me". I corrected him. I remembered exactly what I had said. He told me "fine, we just won't go anymore."

The next weekend rolled around and he wanted to go again. Of course. I said no. He literally had a "breakdown" when we got back to his place. Cried, told me he knew he was losing me because of his commitment issues. I had no emotion. Told him he should have thought of that. He was upset - manipulation didn't work.

I spend 8 months of Sunday mornings with massive hangovers and sometimes throwing up. How much of my life did I waste? How stupid was I????

When we talked about getting back together, I told him if so, no more of that. He was UPSET!!!!! It was like a ton of bricks hit me at that point. Saying RUN!!!!!!!! Don't do this again!!!!!

By the way, he is not a very attractive man. He is overweight, balding, and short. Yet he feels entitled to beautiful women. All of us have been tall, thin and blonde. He never had a GF go to a club like that with him before. I am guessing he never will again. But what do I care? Other than for the next one.

I was used as "bait".

So sick.


June 20, 2009 - 2:12am
stl0204 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sex Addict

The narcissist I am still in the process of recovery over was a sex addict as well. We are talking porn, fetish balls, magazines, swinging, anonymous sex, prostitutes from craig's list and the list goes on. When I left him about 9 months ago he was adding gay men to his list of sources of supply. This man is out of control and he just keeps hurting new people. He is 40 years old and just regular looking. I have never met anyone like him before. I mean he lives, eats and breathes sex. I cant believe I was intimate with this guy. And the above doesnt include all the other psychopathic traits he displays. The one thing about him that I think is unique is he doesnt come back to you, he waits and expects you to return to him. If you dont, he has moved on to his numerous sources of supply and doesnt need you. He has only harassed, stalked and begged his ex-wife to return. For some reason he doesnt do that with other women. It is sure helpful to have people out there to share these experiences with because my friends and family wouldnt understand what I and others in this group have been through. Marcy
June 20, 2009 - 11:58am (Reply to #7)
Amy's picture


I am so so sorry you went through that. That sounds quite extreme and is similar to what a friend of mine is going through with her husband (other than gay men). It's sick! My ex will stay away until he wants control/supply again. It isn't that unusual. He has other supply. In my situation, it's bad because we live close together. I am left alone (other than the driving by) until he sees me out or hears I have been seeing someone else. Then he wants to have sex - control. One of the things I noticed was when we were dating, if we had a fight he wanted to have sex afterwards. Makeup sex is pretty normal, but he would insist on anal (I hate admitting that). It was like he was "marking his territory". I mentioned it more than once. He thought it was funny. It is so helpful to talk to others who have gone through this. Typing makes it all seem so absurd and surreal. Like it was an out-of body experience! Amy
June 20, 2009 - 12:38am
grossot's picture

Amy I'm so sorry. I can kind

Amy I'm so sorry. I can kind relate. My STBXNH and I were married 7 yrs. He sexually abused me (not by his standards I'm sure). I didn't even know that could happen in a marriage until the grace of God brought me this messageboard. Your ex N sounds like a sex addict. You deserve so much better. I'm looking foreward to real love but I'm trying not to be in a hurry. I need to know who I am before that. Please continue to post on here. Its so healing. I think I'm actually addicted to this site! Keeps me out of trouble! Lol.....! (((((Hugs))))))) Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
June 20, 2009 - 11:33am (Reply to #5)
Amy's picture


Thanks. I am not that concerned with it anymore. Fortunately there was never any swapping. I don't think he was a sex addict - we only had sex a couple of times a week (like most people I guess). I think he used sex as a control. Everything I said no to, he wanted - HAD to have. He didn't feel in control elseshere, so he controlled me in every way possible. When I din't want "regular" sex, he would force this issue. He's a sick man. Sadly, someone else will have to deal with it in the future. I hope he can be happy someday, but I know he can't. I am focusing on me - and making myself happy now! Amy :-)
June 20, 2009 - 12:34am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

swinger's club

you need to click on Message Board go back to about page 16 or so there's loads of articles and threads on this subject my ex-psychopath was a sex addict. Swinging was on his menu too - but his WIFE never knew that! (probably still doesn't)
June 20, 2009 - 12:40am (Reply to #2)
Amy's picture


What is wrong with these people??? And thank you so much for also being so responsive!!!!!!! All the "clinical" stuff has really helped me to disconnect completely. I will go to page 16ish and start reading... Did you find it was linked to his "poor little me" fabricated stress issues? Amy
June 20, 2009 - 12:45am (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


here's my story: I hope you're sitting down. ;)