Narcissists, Control and Sex
Narcissists, Control and Sex
1st I want to say I really appreciate Lisa and this web site.
Wow... I didn't realize how many people dealt with this issue.
So... I should have known better. My ex BF and I split after 3 years, I went to therapy 3 times, and the therapist told me that he was a narcissist and he WOULD come back. Yes, he did, and I believed he was sorry... It lasted another year and a half-ish before I left him for good.
So anyway, back to the OT.
A few times during the initial 3 years, he asked me to kiss other women, sometimes more. Not often enough that I thought it was a requirement. There was one drunk night in Cancun (before the NPD was more obvious) that we almost "swapped" and it freaked me out. To him, it was "just sex". To me it was sanctioned cheating. That stuck with me a while...
So when we got back together, the first few months were great (of course!). Then he started hating his new job because he still wasn't(isn't) a VP and is pushing 40. I know - BFD! NOTHING is ever good enough for this man. He makes A TON of $$$$$$$.
Anyway, we started going to a swinger's club "just to check it out". It was BYOB. At first I didn't drink much. Then the trips became more frequent, and he was asking me to dance on the stripper pole, do stuff with girls - "come on baby, I have had such a hard week and I need to blow off some steam". I was regularly hitting half a bottle of vodka when we were there just to deal. I felt like meat.
The less control he felt he had over his life, the more he wanted over mine. It was insane. I hated it. HATED IT! Honestly, the first few times there were cool. It was like the silly fantasies I had were explored and I was happy with that.
At the end, when I knew I was done, I refused to drink at that club. I also would not get undressed. I was told I was "no fun" and that he "needed to blow off some steam".
He, after 4 and a half years and promises of marriage, had recently informed me he didn't feel like he could get married. We would continue to just spend every other weekend at his house.
I informed him that it seemed like I was good enough for the swinger's club, but not for marriage.
The next day he said I told him "we would have no fun unless he married me". I corrected him. I remembered exactly what I had said. He told me "fine, we just won't go anymore."
The next weekend rolled around and he wanted to go again. Of course. I said no. He literally had a "breakdown" when we got back to his place. Cried, told me he knew he was losing me because of his commitment issues. I had no emotion. Told him he should have thought of that. He was upset - manipulation didn't work.
I spend 8 months of Sunday mornings with massive hangovers and sometimes throwing up. How much of my life did I waste? How stupid was I????
When we talked about getting back together, I told him if so, no more of that. He was UPSET!!!!! It was like a ton of bricks hit me at that point. Saying RUN!!!!!!!! Don't do this again!!!!!
By the way, he is not a very attractive man. He is overweight, balding, and short. Yet he feels entitled to beautiful women. All of us have been tall, thin and blonde. He never had a GF go to a club like that with him before. I am guessing he never will again. But what do I care? Other than for the next one.
I was used as "bait".