LAUNDRY

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#1 Jun 19 - 10PM
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

LAUNDRY

Here is a great one. STBXNH is visiting kids for the weekend. He plays with the kids at our home, I leave, and at night he stays at hotel. Got home to a note. He asked if I would do his laundry!!!!!!!!

Talk about no boundaries. What do you think girls, should I iron them also???????

Jun 20 - 3PM
neverdownforthecount (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I feel a "Waiting to Exhale"...

...moment coming on. :) Remember Bernadine putting all of his stuff in the driveway and setting it on fire. HA!!
Jun 20 - 8AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

I read some of the great

I read some of the great replies about the laundry caper and remembered something that happened years ago to a co-worker and great friend. she married and I was her maid of honor. He divorced her, broke her heart, and gave her a nervous breakdown within one year. I was going to visit her after she got out of the hospital and there was a woman backing a car over a street full of men's shirts. I went to Eva's apartment and she was looking, horrified, out of the front room window. I asked her what was going on and she said that her ex didn't like the way his new wife ironed his shirts so when she got out of the hospital he started bringing his shirts to her to iron. The lady was a home visiting nurse from the hospital. Now that was a real problem solving nurse! I went down and helped the nurse mess up the shirts. I later fixed Eva up with a blind date, they married within six weeks, and they lived happily ever after. The Great Shirt Caper was the last straw.
Jun 20 - 8AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Nows that is a good crazy

Nows that is a good crazy maker! Mine was in the City I fled to after he made me a complete wreck called me at my new job and asked if he could stay with me so he could save money on a hotel bill! Why not try leaving him a note and say, 'under the circumstances-no." If you do anything for him he will start to like coming around. He will then want to know what circumstances. Just say 'you know'. Don't get into any verbal or positive exchanges with him. he is just trying to take advantage and it sounds like an innocent request but you are too smart to believe that anything he says or does is innocent. You have been through a lot and I really respect you for hanging in there and trying to get out of the 'trap' the laundry is a ticket back into the trap. Your house your rules.
Jun 20 - 12AM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Laundry

we have been in more serious fights about laundry. I think that it was very important to him for some reason. He would make me fold the towels,socks, and underwear just the way his mother did. I could never get it right. He never did any chores around the house. Because"that's not his job". Evan when I was working. But he would often do his own laundry and fold his clothes so that they were done"right". As for the way you are handling his laundry. You are very nice. He should be ashamed to ask you to do anything. But ofcourse he isn't. I would probably do the same thing. I think it is fair. But he may read it as caring, the fact that you would help him at all. I don't know. I am not sure how to handle the abnormal. I am used to treating him as if he is a normal person. Leah
Jun 19 - 11PM
Amy
Amy's picture

Interesting approach...

A lady I worked with has an N for an ex. He always berated her for not getting his shirts white enough. Shortly before she left him, she put all his white shirts in the tub with half bleach and half hot water. When he tried to take them out of the tub they fell apart... If that wouldn't incite rage I'd suggest it. It's just funny. :-)
Jun 19 - 11PM
grossot
grossot's picture

does he prefer heavy starch?

Unfrigginbelievable! If I hadn't lived with a N for 7 yrs I would not even believe you! (Well it is hard for me to believe because I could never do laundry to his standards so hed just as soon do it himself but that's besides the point) Isn't he the one with the gf that he's taken home to mommy and all that BS? Wash them in pure bleach. Tell him to come back for more whenever he likes! Jackass! A friend told me during her divorce her ex had it written in their agreement that she would do the kids' laundry even after their visit with him! Boundaries? Who needs boundaries when you're a narc?! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

laundry

LoL grossot, that was my initial reaction...ruin the clothes! mallory, that creep has some nerve...un-freakin-believable! It still amazes me how their brain works. As if nothing they previously have done matters -'I just completely ruined your life, hey - can you do my laundry??' I remember I was so distraught, my ex was acting so weird...I felt abandonment in the air...we were supposed to get married - he put it off. I was such a wreck, and he knew I was suffering & confused...he emailed me hinting at a special event. I was so happy because I thought, YES, he's going to tell me he's okay...we're going to discuss our wedding plans, moved forward, he's had a chance to think..etc. The thing he wanted to talk about was how he wanted a really special night of - you guessed it - lots of sex, with him being pampered mostly, since he was having a difficult time. This CRUSHED THE HELL OUT OF ME. I was mortified that this was the big thing he wanted to talk about. As much as this still hurts to think about, the GOOD thing that came out of it is this event - it was a HUGE factor in my decision to not EVER take him back! Our feelings don't belong in their world of make-believe.
Jun 19 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

he asked? SAY NO - that's what his live in whore is for. Drop it at a laundrymat nearby and give him the slip. let him go pay and pick it up if he wants it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 19 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

my approach

After much thought, here is how I am choosing to handle situation. In the morning I will start the clothes. Less work then bringing them to the laudrymat. When he comes to be with the kids, I will tell him that he is responsible to put them in dryer, fold them and do with them what he wishes. At this point I will tell him in no uncertain terms that he should NEVER EVER ask me to do his laundry again, because the answer will be NO. It is NO LONGER part of my job description. I will send email to lawyer to once again express his total lack of boundaries. I have decided to take this firm but less confrontation approach because the kids are all around. I think it states my point, but does not escalate the situation. It establishes a boundary with out causing a fight. If he chooses to make it into a scene, that is his choice. I handled myself more than respectfully. Let me know what you think of approach.
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #17)
Amy
Amy's picture

NO!!!!!!!!

Please don't! He WANTS this from you! Even doing it halfway is a "win" for him. He wants to see how much he can control you. Please just say you didn't see the note or that you were too busy doing the children's laundry and couldn't get to it! Leave it intact. I BEG you! Be strong. Amy
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
grossot
grossot's picture

You are a better woman than

You are a better woman than I! I understand why you can't cut the clothes up or bleach them or set them on fire or sell them on ebay or take them to the laundramat or the dumpster or what have you.....but please don't wash them. You are enabling him. I say whatever you do is going to piss him off so why not let those clothes go out with a bang? Actually I respect your decision but the more I think about it the more I realize N is just trying to see what he can get away with. Are you really going to let him push your buttons? Barbara's right- he asked in a note- he did not get an answer leave those clothes right where they are(if he's coming back for them soon and say "oh I didn't even notice them or the note". He'll know you're lying - who cares? Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #4)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

maybe I am being to kind

I just don't want an explosive fight in front of the kids. He will say, what is the big deal. It is just laundry. He is right it is just laundry, but after all the hell he has put the kids and I through, I find it totally appalling that he would ask me to do his laundry. He wants his clothes washed so that he can go running in the morning. So, then why didn't he so them today. He had the whole day to do laundry. ANd why does he need to go running on the two days a month he is here with his children??? Running takes up to two hours. ANd who is going to watch the kids during his run? Me. So, I watch the kids and do his laundry while he is visiting. It is very sickening. I walk a very fine line between standing up for myself, and not creating a ragefull scene in front of the kids. Kids weren't around, the laundry would be sitting outside in the beautiful storm we are having right now.
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

it's not just laundry

it's his laundry and his responsibility. If he explodes tell him to TAKE HIS BIG BOY PILL BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HIS SLAVE. The answer is NO NO NO - not even 1/2 way mallory. NO!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

all right

All right. I will tell him I am not going to do his laundry. Ready for a big reaction. Not my fault for his reaction. He was the one who asked for something completely innappropriate, and it is his choice if he wants to make a scene in front of the kids. I'll keep you posted when I have a moment away from his gaze. He watches my everymove.
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

when he reacts just stare at him. blankly. like a robot. then leave. no response if he tries to engage you about it. you wouldn't engage your kids if they had a tantrum would you? because that's what he's having. NO means NO. Don't engage... don't respond after that just stare at him I know how it is to do things just to keep the peace - and guess what - IT'S NOT WORTH IT. You give a millimeter they take MILES! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

I know you are right.

I know you are right, but sometimes it just feels easier to just do "the laundry" to keep the peace. I know that it is just enabling him and giving him permission to push the boundaries. Why do they feel they have any right to treat someone like dirt, and yet expect that I will still take care of him?? It still stuns me at times. Ny now I should be totally jaded. You all know he is going to carry on like the victime. The 4 year temper tantrum. "Why does everything have to be a big deal?" "I just asked you for a little favor?" When are you going to just get over your anger and be my friend for the kids?" It is all going to be twisted around as I am the crazy, bad, mean ex wife who can't even help her poor STBXNH out just a little. I just wish I didn't have to have drama every time he is in town.
Jun 20 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

who cares

who cares what this psychopath says about you. he's nutz your child WILL see he's nutz. Mine have seen through mine as they got older. They even call him on his lies now - which he HATES. You have to not care about how he paints you - come on - this guy thinks he should stay married and have a whore in his house. A little favor? No. You are DONE doing FAVORS for that freak. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 20 - 7AM (Reply to #10)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Mallory

The right for him to ask you to do any favors for you ended the day he walked out with another woman. Having his laundry done for him is a privilege that he lost that day. That goes for any other favor he might ask of you that is helpful to him in any way. You WERE his helpmate...not any longer. He chose a new helpmate, let HER do his laundry. ~Denise~
Jun 20 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Didn't do the laundry and boy is he mad

He thinks I am overreacting. He didn't mean any harm. Just wanted some clean clothes to go running. Hey, clean your own clothes. And, running is not spending quality time with the kids. Dealing with the poor me attitude.
Jun 20 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

notice how he MINIMIZES his abuse - "just" and "didn't mean any harm" yes you did you prick! she's not your slave. take a big boy pill and do your own laundry. GO FOR YOU FOR SAYING NO! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 20 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
Amy
Amy's picture

Good for you!

Very proud of you Mallory! He "didn't mean any harm"? Of course not. He just wanted you to use your time to cater to him. After all, the world revolves around him. If it was no big deal, he wouldn't be mad. Clearly you are being punished right now! Just laugh to yourself and do your own thing. Amy
Jun 20 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Good for you!

Great job Mallory! Stick to your guns and ignore his pity party. He doesn't deserve you doing a single thing for him! ~Denise~
Jun 20 - 11AM (Reply to #13)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Good for you, Mallory

No way, no how. Glad you didn't do his laundry. The nerve of this guy is unbelievable.
Jun 20 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
grossot
grossot's picture

So proud of you mallory! You

So proud of you mallory! You will be happy you stood up for yourself in the long run. It will not be long before he wishes you were his wife again. He obviously had a respectable wonderful spouse and it still wasn't good enough for him. He will never have enough NEVER! I call these small victories. Congratulations! Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled