playing the victim

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#1 June 18, 2009 - 7:32pm
bipolarbutton's picture

playing the victim

So here's what it looks like . I moved out a little over a month ago . I have never asked for him to pay my car payment but he has offered to pay this month and 2 more months after which I don't think is bad seeing that he's only paying $300 for our daughter ,he claims both of my daughters but is only the biological father of the younger one.We haven't been to court just yet over child support, I did file paperwork but waiting.
Anyways I just need to vent ...

Today I emailed him asking him for a little bit of money for the next 2weeks . He's mad because things are tight and because when I moved out I took my car and he had to buy one which made him "broke" which I happen to know its not him buying the car that left him totally broke ,he did that by acting like he's a "millionaire" .

Here's the first email.
I will give you $400. that is all... (The car payment is $375 !)

other than this I am broke for two weeks as far as you are concerned... I have been broke really since I bought that car and until I get back on my feet you are going to have to solve problems yourself except for the car payment..

which by the way, I took today off and now I have spent it all cleaning house, you could have offered, but you don't think of helping like that I guess.

and the second . . .

I knew you needed help with the car and made up reasons and excuses to help you...

I wish you could have done the same for me, instead I am under constant mental stress because I am broke, because I have to " wait for Friday " for everything, and I am missing work again because the stress is just too fucking much...

I can't believe you managed to do this to me again... you still figure out ways to help destroy me instead of help build me up.

He's the one being Destroyed ! Why should I be the one to help him clean his house ?? I hate taking money from him other than the girls are concerned because he only gives it to me so he has someone to blame for his money problems and so he still feels in control of me !
Awww it already feels better to type it out .

June 20, 2009 - 12:46pm
Carolyn's picture

Shifting blame and making

Shifting blame and making himself the victim keeps him from having to accept the fact that his behavior put him in this situation. You have to stay out of his trap. No matter what he says it is because he is nuts. Focus on being out and away make as little contact as possible and just try to take one step at a time until you are free. It all seemed like he was going to co-operate but then they get a head of steam about all the terrible things you did to them and they start retaliating -playing the victim. Look at the information on the tactics of covertly aggressive personalities and you will find it all right there. It is near your posting on the message board. It lists their tricks and tactics and is from a book "Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" by George k. Simon. You won't like the tricks but at least you can clearly identify them: that gives you power and control Money is a big deal to these men and either they throw it around or act like misers. In the end they almost always end up in big money trouble because of their lack of money management skills and blame you for taking the car 20 years later as the root of their problems. take care, you are doing a good job at getting yourself and the girls away.
June 20, 2009 - 3:07pm (Reply to #5)
bipolarbutton's picture

blame shifting ..

When he came to drop off our daughters , he said " sorry I blew up on you the other day , my money problems are stressing me out and I had to miss another day of work" (boo who!!!) I looked at him and said "oh" ... blame shifting I see it more and more all the time ,the more I show that I want nothing to do with him . I have such a better understanding of his tricks ,when before I would just become confused ,now it only makes me mad or really sometimes it doesn't phase me at all.I know the game he is trying to play. This time however when he does have a tantrum its worst because I finally put my foot down! All the other times we broke up I'd summit and let him take the car or use it as he needed it. This time I told him "there's no way your taking my F***in car or using it ever ! Making him more mad that finally he realized he didn't have complete control over my life. As for staying out of his trap ,I am doing the best I can !! Taking baby steps is what I am doing , I am always reminding myself of who he really is ,just a heart-less jerk Sociopath and this always makes me feel better : ) . But I never tell him anything to his face or by any other means but once the divorce is final and I feel that its safe , ITS ON !!!!! Getting lawyer is something I am working on .I am trying to find one at a low price because I have nothing as of now !
June 20, 2009 - 5:13pm (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


What you NEED is a FIGHTER.... the thing to do is to take FREE CONSULTS with about 3 - explain your money situation to all of them. You'd be surprised - many will take payments... and mine? Charged exNH for a LOT of it and the judge ordered him to pay!! Lawyers are aware many victims are broke. Do NOT think cheap - think FIGHT! you get what you pay for. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 20, 2009 - 12:57pm (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

blame shifting & playing the martyr He can't and won't see that he caused this - none of them do. Blame shifting is a way of life for them that often, is not conscious. Run like hell.
June 18, 2009 - 8:40pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


GET A LAWYER INVOLVED NOW!!!!!! Never EVER try to communicate with a Narc about finances yourself. EVER. They will commit as much financial abuse as they can - so get it all legal & on paper right now if you need temporary support from him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 20, 2009 - 7:11pm (Reply to #2)
Amy's picture

So true

I do VERY well for myself, and my ex NBF always asked about my finances and tried to control what I spent. I always told him we didn't live together (his choice) so it wasn't up to him. We talked about getting back together once. He repeatedly asked about my finances and he mentioned that he always "hated my spending habits". I told him I never wanted to spend his money, only mine. His response? "Well by default it was my money. I always paid for our vacations and dinners." Seriously - that's what he said. I always offered to pay. But his ego wouldn't allow people to see his woman paying for him. Money is just another form of control. So many times I wanted to buy a cute dress or expensive jeans, and he would scream at me. He would always say "Well I guess your son can just go to community college then." They are sick an twisted. Amy