Sociopath with n tendencies

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#1 June 15, 2009 - 7:19am
bipolarbutton's picture

Sociopath with n tendencies

have been reading everyone's stories for a while and I am now ready to tell mine , I have seen some of you have referred women like me to other support groups but I like this one best more responses from women going through or over come the same .

Now keep in mind that I do know I am dealing with a Sociopath but it does seem he has nacr tendencies ,with his neediness for me to love him and a few other things . Also I would like to add so you don't think I am crazy for allowing him to see our daughters he is abusive to me but he is wonderful to them .

As I was a young ,easily miss led 18year old with a 2 year old daughter , I was very vulnerable as I had been hurt before and thought I wouldn't find a caring man that would accept my daughter and I .Already suffering from a childhood with parents whom I felt never really took the time to listen ,never stood up for me , no protection and never really showed love (no I love you's , hugs , or comfort in that sense ) , I mean they were there as far as taking care of my basic needs and still help me to this day as I am trying to put the pieces of my shattered life back together ,of course now I know they do care just didn't show it in the way I needed as a child or teen would . So what did I do but search for it .
I believe this among other things made me even more vulnerable to become victim of a sociopath. He could see I was wounded and dating for a while knew I needed lots of physical and mental comfort on top of the fact that I am a very caring person even with people I don't know .
From the moment I met him I couldn't take my eyes off him , I felt so connected to his movement and words , I wanted to melt in his presents . I never felt so wanted . He was so sweet ,loving , great with my daughter , and we spent a lot of time talking or going on fun trips, learning new things together , I didn't think it could be anymore perfect . After a month of dating him ,he disappeared from a little over a week ,already I was roped in , that whole week I thought of nothing but him ! He finally showed up and told me he had been using heroin , he knew that I had told him I had left my daughters father for that reason , I didn't know what to do he promised of course he wouldn't do it again .Well this happened another time and by this time I wrote him telling him " I have a daughter I can't have her around people using any type of drugs , let alone the worst of them all " .He came back again and opened up to my sister of how he'd never use again , and that was the last time . I realize now it was only a game he wanted to play to gain control and that's what he received .I realized also he wanted to make me think I was helping him with a drug problem when he never really had a problem in the first place , later to tell me he was never addicted and the only reason he stopped was because he wanted to . I never thought of him having a problem over the years of using pills or drinking but the more I think about it the more comes to mind ,that he didn't ever have a problem with just one thing but he was always using something but it was all apart of the cycle . I didn't think taking pills or the drinking he'd do at the time was that big of a deal as long as it wasn't "street drugs " but it was a problem always just didn't set in .

It wasn't a slow process as I thought (in my mind it only started 4 years into the relationship) but I have come to terms that it started in the beginning . I didn't have the same concept of control as I do now ,after reading and re-reading all this information about sociopaths, now I know he was trying to gain control of my thoughts , he wanted me to be in my every thought . In the beginning he made me trust him by telling the truth about using heroin ,shortly after everything was lies !
Shortly after he got into a fight with his parents and was going to sleep in his car for a while ,well my parents liked him so much they allowed him to move in with us . They thought he was wonderful as everyone did because he was 20years old ,had a good job , brand new car ,and seemed very charming .As he did move in very soon ,we did not sleep together for some time about 3months (it was his idea) ,I thought "wow" what a great guy ! I think he only did this to make me fulling trust that he was not a guy out for sex or that he'd be one to cheat . Once the cheating started I at the time didn't think it was cheating ! Because he would every time break up with me before but we still lived together and still did everything we normally did only he said we were labeled " broken up " ,now of course I realize what crap that is !
I always wondered why would he make us wait but then goes out and sleeps around . Now I understand . I would beg him to tell me why or say sorry but he always had an excuse " were not together I have nothing to be sorry about " or " its your fault for not doing what I ask of you " . Cruel I know . The thing is he cycles every year around the same time he kicks me out of the house or breaks up with me , the reason I started to notice the pattern is because its always somewhere near my birthday of all times . he had an excuse for all of his actions though when it came time for me to give one for mine " excuses are like A**holes everyone has one " he'd say .

About 4 or 5 years ago we had one of the most horrible problems I can tell ,really I am very ashamed I stayed after this one because (well not only because but you'll see ) I am very involved with animals and they have been my life since I was little , I have made it my life's work as I am now majoring in zoology ( without the socio I am able to do what's right for me) Anyways back to it , I came home from working at the petstore I worked and wanted to take a nap as I went to work at 6am that day , he gave me lots of shit for being tired and kept telling me I was lazy and I sleep to much blah blah blah (keep in mind he had no job at the time !!!!!! ) ,So I left to take a nap at my mom's house . About an hour into my nap I wake to my phone dizzied to hear his sister tell me he's been arrested because he shot and killed my pet chicken and 3 of my rabbits . I went to the house and found total craziness , our dough boy swimming pool was cut down the middle , my pond turned over fish all dead on the ground and my animals , and animal control over taking pictures .
He called me as soon as he had been booked and told me he had taking pills but though he was crazy from the pills it was my fault I shouldn't have walked out on him like this . The thing is I never even acted mad at him really , I guess i just didn't want to lose him .
He ended up going to a very respected therapist that the courts very much trust and had him convinced that there was nothing wrong with him ,just took the wrong pills was all !

Many things have happened over the years , he been in lots of trouble over the years and every time it was my fault so he says even though he was in lots of trouble before I even met him . Two DUI's both because of me . The second though is the one that I say "really it's my fault ha ? " , (both of course I wasn't even in the car as I am against drinking and driving and always told him I will find a way to pick you up if you've had to many ) , the night of this DUI I got off work , went to my class ,and was 7months pregnant with our second daughter ,he tells me " if we had our shit together this would have never happened " though I was in school and working while pregnant I didn't have my shit together ! At this point I told him get lost ! I said this is the perfect time for you to go then the new baby will never know you and you can just disappear but of course this made him want me or whatever more .

Once Our Daughter was born he seemed to have everything together was doing wonderfully So I thought , just because the cheating and going out to drink had stopped and breaking the law had stopped , but the abuse was just the same , controlling me with threats of this or that . I mean he started getting mad the house was out of order before our daughter was a week old !
I wasn't able to leave without his say so . One day I was running late to pick him up when we had plans to meet a friend , I came home 10 mins late he said we're not going and I went anyways came home to everything from couches , tv's , my clothes , the refrig , everything except the actual house was spray painted ... I had to recover everything .
And other times he would break what ever was most important to me . My cellphones were the most likely to be broken ,he liked to leave me without contact of family for weeks on end .

Shortly after our daughter was born he asked or really told me to quit my job because he missed me and wanted me to be at home mom , so I did which of course was a mistake ! Then the money issues came along now he felt even more in control of our money .

Over the years he's always told me he wanted me to go to college , even used that along with not having a routine for my self and girls as an excuse to breakup . I always thought well his intentions are good but now I second guess that . He wants me to have education only so we look good on the outside but everytime I go back to college (4times) he makes it unbearable , makes me cry right before walking out the door , silent treatments ,or tells me to quit class and just self educate . As far as routine goes how can anyone have a working routine with a person of this nature , when its all about him . I kinda think he'd only harasses me over these things because he wanted to watch me fall . But I never put thought into until I told someone its really confusing because his intentions are good and she said No their not , she being a very smart older woman whom I can relate to because she spent 11years with a Socio worst than mine . Then it hit me .

The last time we slit ,he was out of state on a job he started seeing(email dating ) someone else ,someone who he's known for many years but doesn't always keep in contact with as he is very bad at keeping friends , and oh was she perfect going to college , fit , no children able to go out ,and lalalalaa .
it only lasted maybe 2months before he started coming at me again . This is when I start researching for answers because I always thought he's bi-polar but I knew deep down there was much more than that .Then I found information on sociopaths and he fit the bill to a T . I of course was lonely wanted him back the whole time and gladly said yea let's find a place and I was not happy being with my parents ,even though I knew he was a socio I still took him back ,I just kinda swept it under the rug . As soon as we got back together he told me " you don't have to go to school just study the screen printing business like you want to do " So I dropped my classes . that didn't last long ..things were cool for a few months .. it started again !

i at this time decided i am going to do what ever i can to keep busy and started really getting involved in my older daughters school , taking all the extra's they had going on . Started my younger daughter in their parent involvement preschool and health classes their offered .I joined the PTA and almost right away was voted in as president . I was soooo excited to be able to help the school children and staff . I really went all the way . He started getting more and more mad ! telling me things like why do you want to help the school when your family needs help ? My involvement helped our 5th grader to be a better student and she started bring home much better grades !!! This still was not enough for him of course . Not only did I do this but his sister was in need of someone at the time as well , her boyfriend left her when she was 8months pregnant and I felt I needed to be there for her and yet again he made it about him . While she was delivering her baby he was sending text messages telling me "its great your there for my sister but your never here for me , you've never been a parter " .. Well I didn't let him ruin those moments for me . I was in the hospital with her for 3 days so she'd have someone with her . When I came home silence started and after a few days he was okay again . What set him off in the first place was the night his own sister went into labor ,we were supposed to sit down and plan out our unrealistic plans for the future (all his are off the wall crazy plans ) .
But what can I do to help the fact that she needed me and he knew it was planed for me to be with her at that time !
Shortly after that I had more PTA events going on the biggest of year in fact , the carnival & mother's day gift shop were I had to hand paint flower pots and lots of banners . The less attention he was getting the more angry he got . So I day of the carnival comes around something I had been working on for months , almost as soon as I come home he tells me " I started talking to Ex again " it made me cry a little but the weird part is for once it didn't destroy me as it normally would . At this time I started more research only this time reading woman's stories of abuse and have a much much better understanding and know that the reason I was joyless and unable to find it in me to do things I needed to improve my life were because I resented him and was under total control .
Even after him telling me theres someone else we decided we'd live together until our lease was up which was 5months down the road , however he started rubbing her in my face like buying her flowers and putting them in the refri. though he was going to be home for 30mins , they would have been fine in the car , leaving out flyers of dancing lessons they attended , or telling me things he got going on . When I would ask why be such a child and rub it in my face with a smile on yours he'd reply " you act like it's a big conspiracy against you " I know it was, come on now . He told me in his actions everyday ! Finally one night he came home and noticed I had dyed my hair though months ago he told me not to anymore , he looks at me crazy and says you dyed your hair ! I looked him dead in the face and said you have no control over me anymore ! The next day comes home from work tells me you are moving out and I am keeping the car ,also had some divorce papers . Well well the car is in my name and I bought it before he and I got married not to mention out of our 8 years he has only had a car for 3months and all the others were mine ! Yes he had been making payments while I was at home with our toddler but its Mine !!!
He told me go talk to your parents and TELL them your moving back in and oh don't blame it all on me , tell them what you did too ! Well I didn't want to fight him over the car so I went to my parents and though they weren't home I came back to tell him (I learned to lie from him ) "they said I can move in but they said there is no no no way I can come stay there without my car because one my dad co signed and 2 they are not taking me everywhere we need to go ! " He said fine you'll have to stay here most likely another month until I find a car , I got online the next day and found him a car and we moved out within the week . As for the divorce papers this time I filed them !

I have finally come to my breaking point with this man , I can not take his childish crap any longer and I am just tired always picking up the pieces only to have then thrown on the floor again .I am actually glad (though my ego at times is hurt whatever thats worth ) he has moved to his next victim that I know is all she is !
This time coming back to my parents was a relief , instead of all the other times of wanting to move out as soon as I moved in ,this time I know I am home while I save save for the future . This time being away from has been different and I have actually put my foot down ! Things I have never done before when he calls I show very little interest unless it has to do with the kids , I filed for divorce , took my car ,I told everyone for the first time about my story instead of letting him isolate me ,I started school for me and able to get it paid for, Job searching in a field I am happy with ! I did call a counseling center to set up something there . I think I am headed in the right direction , hopefully he gets the point soon that I am DONE and will leave me alone ! I didn't talk to him for days and he kept bugging everyday I mean A lot ,finally he tells me over text he can't breath and he's scared . I tried calling him back no answer , I went to back for the first time , yep I took the bait . He was sick but not dieing ! Despite this I am learning their is a much better life for me and my daughters out there .
.If anything I have to stay strong for my girls I can't not continue to pick his pieces and prolong my happiness , they need me to be happy for them .
I am worried he may start being mean to them but every time they see him I do question what they did and I will not allow him to see them until court if he says anything wrong or whatever . Things between us as of now are fine he puts money in my account and is reasonable , I am trying to maintain that . I realized something very important though which is never ever ever look to him for symphony ,its pointless , I know in the past when I did he would just say things that hurt me even more ,so then I had something else to obsess over . He continues to call every night but I don't have to answer . I am able to do what I want when I want and I can actually really truly laugh which I love doing ! I am learning to like me and realizing I am worth a lot more than he led me to believe . .

So there's really A LOT more to him than this but I don't think you want to read my book of thoughts on this relationship and I don't think I really feel like writing it today so . . .


June 15, 2009 - 8:55am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


ALL sociopaths are also Ns. (but not all Ns are sociopaths) the behavior falls on a spectrum - with Narcs being on one end and psychopaths/sociopaths on the other. The more exploitative and the less they care about their abusive behavior - the farther up the spectrum towards psychopathy they move. I can't strongly enough recommend you get and read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA. It will help you a lot on that road to healing. Continue to ignore his calls & texts and keep it to BUSINESS ONLY (about the kids) Nothing emotional. Detach as much as possible. You're doing great. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 15, 2009 - 4:16pm (Reply to #7)
bipolarbutton's picture


Okay thank you , I am actual awaiting in the mail "the sociopath next door" and Women who love psychopaths is next, as I need to break the cycle for myself so I don't run into another one. As for not contacting him I never call him , he does text me a lot even in the middle of the night midnight ,2 am crap like that . I am trying to make new friends, so I am less likely to become lonely and vulnerable to him . I am so very glad I found this site as it has pushed me more towards the light at the end of tunnel and wow you guys respond quickly ! Reading about the disorders doesn't hold a stick to reading womens stories and comparing the behavior .
June 16, 2009 - 4:24pm (Reply to #11)
grossot's picture

Bipolarbutton I agree!

Bipolarbutton I agree! Reading other womens stories is so comforting. I want to scream to others who have never been in our shoes "its not just me! I'm not crazy". Thank you for posting. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. I'm so glad you realize its not your fault. I hope you continue to find comfort in reading our posts and also posting yourself. Lisa has a radio show on wed nights. Go to If you havnt already and listen to the shows. My story is posted under the topic "the whole truth and nothing but the truth" on this messageboard if u are interested. Keep posting:) Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
June 15, 2009 - 5:33pm (Reply to #9)
RenewD's picture


Hi! I read your story, boy, it sounds like you've been through one tough situation! Thanks for sharing your story with us, and I'm so glad you've found us here. You are right, having other people talk about what they've been through and helping you with what you struggle with is the best way to get through this. I hope that this message board will continue to be helpful for you as you rebuild your new life! ~Denise~
June 16, 2009 - 3:47pm (Reply to #10)
bipolarbutton's picture


Thank you for Listening ,A lot of people around me just don't understand what is going on in my brain and don't understand the man behind the mask, Well lucky for me the woman next door came out of a relationship just like mine and is soooo there for me as well , she understands because years out of the relationship she started research and has read a few books on the subject. She's like a mom I can talk to because my own really doesn't care to hear me out (we have talked about my relationship once since I have been at her house for a MONTH!and very few words were said), so I have to go to the neighbors house lol ,they said I am welcome anytime.However I don't want to go hang out with her and talk about it all the time that's tiring I know ,so between this forum and her I will over come this ,no doubt. Part of the problems before was not understanding I was controlled and having no one to listen .... Thank you again Denise , its nice to know there are caring people out there .
June 15, 2009 - 5:34pm (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Stout) is very good. Here's an excerpt from that book (everyone should read this) Here are some more for your queue: Without Conscience - Dr. Robert Hare Why Does He Do That? - Lundy Bancroft In Sheep's Clothing - George Simon However WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA is probably the most healing and validating thing for victims I have read in a long time. I was interviewed for the book & wasn't sure what to expect but wow! Turn your phone off at night so you don't hear those texts come in. My cell has a REJECT feature so you could REJECT his calls if yours has this. If not, consider changing your number. here's my story: ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 15, 2009 - 11:24am (Reply to #2)
whatever2009's picture


My N actually says he's a sociopath. But Im sure he says it because he thinks I will care more. I feel he is lying about being one, he is not clever at all, and is hurt really easily. He seems to be more of a N...but a really pathetic one, depressed all the time, and trys to manipulate me through that. He is also a huge moron, he will tell people Im the one that wants to spend so much time with him, but its actually the other way around!! Why would he tell people that!?! Im not sure, but WOW...thats such a lie. Its really not true, and Im sure he has made himself believe it is.
June 15, 2009 - 3:03pm (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


OMG - as if being a sociopath is SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF AND BRAG ABOUT? He's sociopathIC that's for sure. You're right - what a moron! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 16, 2009 - 7:45am (Reply to #4)
whatever2009's picture


Well, I would just think that a sociopath would keep it to themselves and try to be manipulative that way?? Its really quite sad that someone would aspire to be one......the thing I have the most trouble with is the low-self esteem, my N, is sooooooo depressed. He complains about having no friends, and nothing to do, and being such a unsuccessful loser. Can there be a sociopath or a narcassist with such depression issues? Or do some aspire to change as they get older and more pathetic?
June 16, 2009 - 12:30pm (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


they will use ANYTHING to be manipulative - ANYTHING "I am SO depressed" (then go to a therapist and LEAVE YOU ALONE!) "I have no friends" (NOT YOUR PROBLEM) "I am so unsuccessful" (Boo Hoo, take a big-boy pill and get lost) This is guy is trying to play on your compassion. If it worked in the past he will lay it on thick. NO PATHOLOGICAL ASPIRES TO CHANGE AS THEY GET OLDER!!! NONE. No matter WHAT THEY SAY!! They are incurable and incapable of changing and really could care less. It's about LURING YOU IN. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS, 'LISTEN' TO THEIR ACTIONS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
June 16, 2009 - 3:28pm (Reply to #6)
bipolarbutton's picture

I agree . .

For years my former husband would tell me he wanted to go to school ,exercise, or just be a better person but could not because I was dragging him down or because my life was out of control but he's the reason my life was out of control ! He would tell me for weeks on end he wanted to go jogging but never would , and if I asked "lets jog together before you go to work " he'd come up with some reason he could not or he was to busy to worry about my exercising. Now he holds it over my head that he went to trade school for 2 years and is now done but the only reason he was able to do this is because he would have been kicked out of the union if he didn't and lose his job.Even now that we aren't together he enrolled in class but missed his first class (and was dropped ) cause he "didn't" know it was on the day it was , though he told me it was on that day a week earlier , I just laugh. Also before I left he would tell me (sometimes) not to clean up after him because he needs to take care of himself ,he likes to think he's a clean person and ocd about cleaning ,Well about a week ago I went over there to pick up my girls and the house was trashed !!! But he use to make me keep it perfect all the time and now look hahaha . He use to and still does sit at his computer for hours and hours planning out every second of his life and things he wants to do , But never ever ever follows threw . I use to try to keep up with him and didn't understand it wasn't normal until now , never realizing I was trying to keep up with a crazy person ! I mean I knew he was crazy but didn't think about it when it came to his plans he never used ! . Now I realize it was all just a big front , more so in the end as well ,he wanted me to think he was going to do better without me around . But really he just like a baby , his house is a mess ,no one to remind him to go to school ,and 2weeks ago his phone and internet were shut off ,This all makes me smile , now he doesn't have mommy (me) and no one to blame for his actions . So I agree with that ,actions are louder than words by far.... Now that I am sociopath free when I think about doing something I just F**kin Do it !! and feel a lot better about myself !