Just need a little support for the day

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#1 Jun 14 - 10AM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Just need a little support for the day

He came back again to get more stuff. I confronted him about the mortgage broker saying they wouldn't continue on with the refinance unless he put in writing that he did intend to show up at closing. He says, "Just inform them that I will be there. I'm a man of my word." Well... a fight resulted where I informed him that he was a child in a man's body, acted like he was ten years old and clearly was the only person in this situation that needed psychological help. As you can imagine, this didn't go well. I took my cat and my dog (my son was tnankfully still at camp) and went to my mothers for the night.

When I did have to come back the next day with my son (had to pick him up from camp) and came home. He was packing more things and did bring me a note (beause I had also threatened legal action at this point) and the note said, "Pending my availability, I will make every effort to be at the closing." And signed his name. Obviously, this isn't going to be enough for them... obviously he thinks he's very smart leaving it open ended and even signing this paper is no guarantee that he will show.

Well.... when he finally did pull out of the driveway last night with most of his things (a few things still upstairs and in the garage) I was crying and he walked in and saw me and said, "I just wanted to be courteous and let you know I was pulling out. Last time I left and didn't say anything you said it hurt your feelings." I said fine. I didn't mean to be crying when he walked in, I just was crying because of all of this hurts so much.

Well later on when he got back to his mothers, he called and left me a voicemail saying that he was feeling awful because I was so upset and that he didn't want to see people breaking down and he felt awful about all of this too. He said we had to try to find a way to get through this and that he really hoped I was okay. It was the human coming through... I know him... what he said wasn't manipulative this time. BUT IT WILL BE AGAIN IN NO TIME FLAT. So of course I cried somemore.

Just need a little support and reminder to stay strong and maybe I won't have nightmares every single night after awhile. I really could use some uninterrupted sleep without feeling constantly traumatized.

Jun 14 - 7PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

He takes his time with his

He takes his time with his exit-it goes on and on just wearing you out. If he cared about your feelings you wouldn't be having this problem getting him out of your house and your life. He stalls, delays, and drives you crazy over moving his things and when he finally gets that done he gives you a note saying that he might show up at the closing- or not! Valerian is a health store product that might aide with the sleeping problem but how will you deal with the problem that is causing the sleeping problem? You can't break contact until the mortgage issue is settled and he keeps you in a constant state of anxiety. You are going to have to try to diminish the anxiety so he doesn't have as bad an affect on you but that is not easy. he is gaming you build a defensive strategy for your health and your son's protection.
Jun 14 - 5PM
grossot
grossot's picture

Finallydone, we'd all like

Finallydone, we'd all like to think this is the human coming out in him but think about what you've learned. N are excellent at mimicing. Nothing he does is human. He is mimicing what a person withot a personality disorder would do. He is acting. It is sooo hard to see this from the inside of the relationship. If you were narcissistic you would not allow him to take his things from the house. Because my N and I are still married he does not allow me to take my things from our house which he has locked me out of because the possessions are 'marital assets'. You are a whole person. You are real. You are finally done; delivered from evil! I pray that your spirit is calm and you are sleeping sweetly tonight. Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled
Jun 14 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Thanks

I hope I sleep well tonight too. Too many nightmares waking me up. You're probably right... he just sounded so nice on his message and I thought at least he cared enough to acknowledge that I had been in tears. I just really wanted him to care... but I know you all know the feeling. My sweet 13 year old son went with me to Target and helped me pick out a few pictures to hang up where he had taken stuff down. The empty walls bothered both of us. Every stick of furniture in the house is mine so that's not a problem... but he had put up some cool pictures on the walls and of course like everything else that he takes out to remind me of the emptiness.... I just couldn't leave the walls that way. My son is such a good hearted soul. We cheerfully went out to the store and scrutinized the different selections and found some good ones and up they went. At least it kept me busy and grateful that my son is such a good soul. He's been through it too. This guy has been with us since he was 5 and he really said nothing to my son on the way out the door. He'll be back probably once more for the rest of it and then at some point we have to close. But I think my son is mostly relieved. As well he should be. It's so ironic that my boyfriends whole issue was that my ex-husband was doing 50/50 because he lived in another town about 4 hours from here and he thinks my son should be with him more often and for the entire summer. I said no that is not in my son's best interests. And considering what a sweet soul my boy is... I must have been doing something right and actually so has his father because he calls him often and is always there to get him every other weekend and for special longer breaks.
Jun 14 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

FD

Call that lawyer tomorrow. Set limits... and STICK TO THEM. The N is a like a 6 year old... they don't recognize limits so you have to set them and keep them RAZOR SHARP. Once you do - I can guarantee you will start sleeping better. Though I recommend counseling and a low-dose antidepressant in the meantime. Stop letting this man plays games with your personal space & boundaries. Stop. You will be teaching your son a valuable lesson in doing so, as well. NC REMINDERS: http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2009/06/06/nc-reminders/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 14 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

grossot

I hope a judge allows you to take your things out. Soon! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 14 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

go to lawyer ON MONDAY get a paper saying - 1. he HAS to be at the refinancing or he loses rights, period. And demand it be in writing from him or again, he loses his rights. - 2. say you are changing the locks. He must give you 48 hours notice if he is coming back to get more things. Then you can let him in - and LEAVE! - 3. ERASE voicemails WITHOUT LISTENING, rip up notes WITHOUT READING. From then on - he talks to the LAWYER NOT YOU!!! No more of this nonsense. NO MORE. Stop allowing this cretin to torture you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 14 - 10AM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mallory

It is so hard not to engage in a fight. I keep holding back the urge to argue with him because he is still a selfish idiot and I desparatly want to point that out to him. But I am just so done. I am determined that he will never see another teardrop fall from my eyes. He is never going to get the satisfaction and the validation of causing me emotional pain. Sometimes you can't controll it and you can't control it. Don't be hard on yourself. Old habbits die hard. You are not alone. Leah
Jun 14 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

finallydone

Hugs to you. You're gonna be okay. You slipped a little, but you didn't fall. Things are going to get better and easier. Stay strong, you can do it! ~Denise~