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Babysitter Goes Public

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#1 Jun 7 - 3AM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Babysitter Goes Public

Today my older daughter texts me to tell me that my little one went to the public pool today in our neighborhood and that the babysitter was there. They all swam and played together luke a happy little family in the pool. How sweet!

I was completely disgusted and fired off several texts at him telling him what a dumbass he is for having the troll around the kids. Seriously, he has them so rarely, we are getting ready to go to the beach for a whole week tomorrow. He can go to the pool EVERY DAY with her, why does he have to bring the kids? It really really hurts that they are so blatantly flaunting their creepy affair.

Jun 7 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

The more attention he gets

The more attention he gets from you for this blatant behavior the more he will do it. If you don't re-act then you aren't trying to safeguard your children.So you end up in a difficult position. You have to figure out a stragegy where you can have some power in this situation. They don't like anything that affects what they perceive is their "image". They don't like to know their public image is affected by something. they have no image but that is not the important thing in your particular situation. I wonder if you couldn't figure out some way to make his having the babysitter/girlfriend around. Something like telling him she has gained weight and doesn't look good anymore, or that people don't think he should have her with the children and he is affecting how people think of him. It seems a bit nuts to play a game with him but try it. You never really know what works with narcissists.
Jun 7 - 3PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ugh

It never ceases to amaze me how they prove - again & again - THEY ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN. We (normals) would never think to harm, disregard or disrespect someone else in such a way. Even someone we barely knew. It's not even 'on our menu' to behave in such a wholly selfish, infantile way. That's why it's best not to say anything to them. They don't get it and they NEVER EVER will. I can't be bothered to explain anything to exNH anymore. He is digging his grave with the kids... all by himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 7 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

kids

your lawyer should word the divorce/ separation agreement so the kids are not allowed around the babysitter/ GF - that is potentially psychologically damaging for them. Next time do NOT text him - he is getting off on bugging & hurting you. You have to 'act' indifferent. Let the lawyer deal with him. Everyone is right. My kids are almost 12 and they totally see right through exNH most of the time. They have even asked him (separately) "Dad, do you think about anyone but YOURSELF?" He swore I put them up to it - I didn't care. He did that to himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 7 - 8AM
grossot
grossot's picture

He's trying to get the kids

He's trying to get the kids on his side. "See how fun it is to be with daddy and gf?!" Gross! The kids will catch on someday. Its hard but show the kids it doesn't bother u. He"s not worth the stress anyway. Journal and stay on this messageboard. Your kids will see his true colors. It won't be long before they surpass him psycosocially. nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

Jun 7 - 7AM
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

dcrutche

I totally feel for you!!!! I know how much this hurts. They don't care how we feel. They don't even see it as an affair. They have moved on, new life, new everything. The image of them playing in the pool together makes my skin crawl. I know how much this has to eat you up. It drove and still drives me insane everytime my STBXNH and GF go public with their affair. It is worse when it involves the kids. Glad you are going to the beach this week. It will help you get some distance from the creep. Try to focus on having a great time with the kids. He is creepy, babysitter is creepy, and anyone who knows what happened think they are creepy no matter how much they play happy family at the pool.
Jun 7 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Beach

Thanks Mallory, it almost ruined my evening out and made me sick to my stomach all night. The complete intentional denial on his part that he is doing anything wrong makes me completely furious. Just got off the phone with my oldest and she said that he told her, your mom can't control what I do because I'm not married to her anymore. I wanted a divorce and she wouldn't sign the papers. I waited A WHOLE YEAR before I was with babysitter" This is his story that he tells himself and everyone else. He just doesn't get it. I talked to my daughter at length and explained that what he does on his own time is not anyone's business, but when he is with them, they need to come first. I feel so sick at my stomach about my kids and what he is putting them through. I am going to be out of the country later this summer, and it makes me very anxious. I just can't seem to get any sense of sustained peace.
Jun 7 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Dcrutche

They always come up with their sick stories to rationalize / justify their behavior. Like we have all said....they love to be a victim. Poor husband of yours. He begged you for a divorce. Poor husband of yours, he waited a whole year before he started sleeping with his kids babysitter. What restraint he has! I know how it burns you up. He is right...who cares who he sleeps with, hangs out with, etc on his own time. If he is into young babysitters....gross, but who cares. It is when they involve the kids that it becomes your buisness. The sad truth is we can't really control what the dads do with the kids on their own time. Your lawyer may be able to restrict her involvement with the kids. I don't know. Sounds like he has made a lot of horrible choices in regards to babysitter and kids, like putting notes for her in kid's backpacks. The sad reality is that on some level, these men will continue to be who they are with our children. It is our job to help our children navigate through their craziness!
Jun 7 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Sick h

The really crazy thing is, he didn't beg me for a divorce. He never even asked me for one, just filed as a counter to my request for separate maintenance. I wounded his ego by telling him that I deserved better treatment than he was giving me and he twists everything around. Yes, he is playing the victim here, and it makes me so mad. My older kids do have him figured out, they ate 12 & 14, and he doesn't have her around them. It is my 5-year-old who is a Being used as a pawn. The babysitter took care of her, so she doesn't know how to feel, but she knows that daddy & the babysitter"like each other." Why do I let this stupid crap bother me so much? I don't want them to play house with my 5-year-old. She isn't stupid! He is so clueless about parenting! My attorney says to document every time that h has the babysitter around the kids, and that the judge won't look kindly on his behavior, especially because we are still married. I need his insurance, and that is why I haven't filed for divorce. He knows this , and he doesn't care. Doesn't care about recurrence, doesn't care about the mother of his children or his children at all. I have to have an MRI in August, after that I could file, but itwont make any difference anyway. He is going up keep on making bad decisions and viewing me as his parent who he is rebelling against. It just isn't fair folks.
Jun 7 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Not fair

You are so right. IT IS NOT FAIR!!!! I think that it one of the hardest parts to digest. These men are complete jerks who destroy their families, and they just move on with little consequences. It is never fair. I like to believe the universe rights itself somehow, but I don't know. Waiting for fairness just eats us away. The idea of my STBNH playing with my children and the GF makes me sick to my stomach. They will get to play happy family, and there will be very little I can do about it. The youngest children are hard, because they don't understand it at all, and it is confusing to them. I would keep pursing restricted visitation, and jsut focus on your beautiful happy family. What matters the most is your relationship with your kids. When I am feeling really sad, and angry, I take my kids out and do something really fun with them. Develop your own happy moments with your beautiful children and let someone else deal with fairness. Sad fact, it will never be fair. The only fairness is moving on and creating the BEST life for you and your kids.