Depression and anxiety

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#1 June 5, 2009 - 9:26pm
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Depression and anxiety

So I am hit with serious depression and anxiety this weekend. I have never felt so much internal pain as I do right now.

It's funny, I don't want my STBXNH back, at all, but it still is incredibly painful that he is so easily moving on with his life, bringing home his GF to mama, and not talking to our kids.

I know I need to let go, count my blessings and move on, but tonight is really hard!!!!

The part that hurts is the feeling of being so replaceable and discarded. It makes me truly fear ever trusting anyone again. I feel anxious and sad, and angry all the time. Some times I just feel obsessed with the past and what has happened.

How do you move on? Once you accept the truth of who they are, how do you move on? How do you not just get stuck in the hate? How do you not get swallowed up in the sadness?

Sometimes I feel so crazy...

June 7, 2009 - 5:55pm
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are feeling a very

You are feeling a very painful experience. I wonder if you aren't a very creative personality. An artist or a writer and you just don't know that. You feel and describe your feelings so brilliantly it is as if you are painting a verbal picture but all in colors and shapes. have you ever tried to write a story about this or get some art materials and paint what you feel? to you this seems all crazy but I think if you could take a community college art course or even talk to an art teacher you would find out you are talented. I have never heard anyone express this as well as you have it is exactly what I felt but could never describe.
June 6, 2009 - 1:36pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

first - you should box up or move all his stuff near the door so he doesn't get to come in a root around your home. second - have someone with you when he comes over. He is less likely to act up in front of a third person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
June 6, 2009 - 6:59am
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Depression

I still struggle with this too, and it's been 2-1/2 years that we've been apart. I'm in the process of seeking counseling. I thought I could do it myself, but after this long and the stuff still goes through my head, it's just not going to go away on its own. I'm trying to read and learn as much as I can about N's to change my way of thinking, to help me learn to tell myself it wasn't me. My doctor just put me on Lexapro and thats really starting to help. I've told my kids that dad stays at his house. I don't want to hear stories about him and what he is doing. Unless there's some horrible problem that effects them, Dad does not come to my house. There are just some ideas. Time and no contact is really the best I think. You have to somehow make yourself not think about him and what he's doing, and realize most of what you see and hear is just a facade. He's not happy. Never will be. Not with you or anyone else... He's letting you off the hook so you don't have to deal with him hurting you anymore. Look at it that way instead of seeing that you've been replaced. Your kids are better off not having him around too. (((hugs))) I hope your weekend gets better. ~Denise~
June 6, 2009 - 12:02am
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

re:depression and anxiety

Mallory, aww, I feel for you girl. I know you know that you only hear what he tells you, you don't see what goes on behind the scenes. These aren't satisfied, happy, healthy people we're talking about. He paints this picture for you just to hurt you because you had the strength and courage (gasp) to stand up to his BS and put an end to your involvement in it once and for all. I know what it feels like to be discarded, over and over again. One day, I decided I wouldn't give him another chance to make me feel that way again, because it does suck. The only thing that kept me from getting caught up in the sadness was no contact. Blissful ignorance is a good thing in this case. Only communicate about kids, and if you must, funnel emails through a trusted source, so you only get the part of the email that relates to your child. Do what you can NOT to give him the chance to keep hurting you. For me, I DO NOT want to know what's going on with my ex for that very reason. Because it DOES hurt, we don't get proper closure from them...so we have to figure it out ourselves. Anyhoo, not trying to lecture you, I just know how crappy this feels. But in time, with no contact it gets so much better, and they are reduced so much in your mind...and it hurts a LOT less. You have come so far mallory, you are what he can only wish to be. (extra hugs tonite!)
June 6, 2009 - 12:23am (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

have you considered low dose antidepressant? I know you think this weekend is horrible but frankly, I say - let the pigs all rut together and leave you & your precious children OUT OF IT. You are depressed because your dream is dying. Narc killed it - no one else. You are escaping a monsterous man, Mallory. Do something nice for you and the kids... ice cream, pizza and fun. Thank GOD they are going to be out of your life. Those monsters. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
June 6, 2009 - 8:01am (Reply to #6)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

medication

And, yes mallory...what Barbara said about an anti-depressant. After mine left, I had a really bad anxiety attack and got a prescription for anxiety meds. It helped me through some of the high-anxiety and misery that I was experiencing, definitely takes the edge off. We have all been through something extraordinary, please take care of yourself...you deserve it.
June 6, 2009 - 12:54am (Reply to #3)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Healing: It's all about US

Random list of things to do: 1. Smile 2. Share your feelings with a friend or family member 3. Tell a joke 4. Go to the movies 5. Plant a flower 6. Take a warm bath or shower 7. Eat one of your favorite meals 8. Have some chocolate 9. Get a facial 10. Exercise 11. Stretching 12. Walking 13. Yoga 14. Meditation 15. Spinning 16. Aerobics 17. Acupuncture 18. Tai-Chi 19. Say a prayer 20. Call someone positive 21. Write your feelings in a journal 22. Write a letter 23. Sing a happy song 24. Dance to fun music 25. Watch a funny show 26. Rent a movie 27. Blow some bubbles 28. Play a board game 29. Paint a picture 30. Listen to relaxing music 31. Go to the museum 32. Take a ride in the bus around the city 33. Take a boat ride (Ride the local ferry in our area) 34. Go shopping 35. Attend a party 36. Accept invites 37. Create a tea or coffee party to invite others 38. Take a vacation 39. Take 5-30 minute breaks throughout the day 40. Play cards 41. Eat Ice cream 42. Attend a comedy club 43. Volunteer to help others 44. Say hello to others everyday 45. Do something nice for someone 46. Give a complement 47. Have a snack 48. Take a nap 49. Read something interesting 50. Join a club or group 51. Wear comfortable clothing 52. Wear comfortable footwear 53. Change your appearance 54. Organize your paperwork 55. Clean your house/apartment 56. Go to the zoo 57. Go to an amusement park 58. Go to the spa 59. Get a manicure 60. Get a pedicure 61. Look at your favorite pictures 62. Spend time with family &/or friends 63. Rearrange the house 64. Change your furniture 65. Go to the park 66. Go to church 67. Cook for yourself &/or someone else 68. Bake some cookies 69. Bake a cake 70. Share your secret with someone you trust 71. Tell someone you love them 72. Surround yourself with positive people 73. Get a sun tan 74. Take a ride in your car 75. Find a quiet area to relax 76. Change the colors in your apartment 77. Buy yourself a gift 78. Play a video game 79. Write a poem 80. Treat someone 81. Get a massage 82. Change your career 83. Save your money 84. Pay your bills on time 85. Get a pet 86. Let go of the past 87. Don't think too much about it 88. Don't tell a lie 89. Don't make promises you can't keep 90. Learn how to say no 91. Learn how to say I don't know 92. Be more flexible 93. Choose your battles wisely 94. Be honest 95. Try doing something different 96. Avoid doing things that you will regret later 97. Be yourself 98. Don't be afraid to do it all over again 99. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or failure 100. Try something new
June 6, 2009 - 8:28am (Reply to #4)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

i understand too

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I totally understand. That whole thing about sad or angry. I feel that way all the time. I completely relate. But I'm feeling a bit better today. My problem is the cycle will start up again next week. He's either gonna come back to get more stuff and he'll be nasty again or he'll stall and be nasty again and the emotions will get stirred up. I like that list above that's wonderful. Mallory, let's both try to have a good day and touch base later. You are doing the right thing, we all are. The betrayal and lack of closure is what makes this so horrible I think. I also thought..wounds hurt when they're healing. I bet barbara can attest to that even with her recent surgery. But the good news and focus has to be on the fact that healing will occur. Right?
June 6, 2009 - 9:02am (Reply to #5)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Amusment Park

Taking the kids to an amusement park, and then out to dinner with friends. Focusing on having a great weekend, and not given them the power to bring us down. Thank you all for your support.