past weekend visitation

the courts, judges, lawyers, all say that it is my job as a good parent to encourage this relationship. I hear that, and I understand that, but sometimes I really question this philosophy. Not your job to turn him into a human being mallory. Your job is be the mother these kids need. Period.

This is a great topic Leah, thanks for sharing your experience with us from the viewpoint of the child in this situation. Mallory, your attorney is telling you what she has to during the trial. It is very important that it appears that you are going by the book with visitation and that you will not discourage the children from having a relationship with their father. This will serve you well in court. That being said. You know, the judge knows, and your attorney knows that your job is to keep your boys safe. It is a very difficult line to walk, especially with little ones. I am watching a situation very much like the one Leah described unfold with my two older children. I can't believe how UNINTERESTED and even hostile the N is to our 14-year-old daughter. She is not giving him any narcissistic supply, quite the opposite actually. She wants nothing to do with him and he punishes her in cruel ways by making her dependent on him for a ride to school and then pulling the rug out from under her saying that he can't take her. He promises her things and then doesn't come through ALL the time. She is really disgusted with him and says that she wishes he "would just go away." He isn't parenting her, and she knows it. she says that when she does go to his apartment, he wants her to be the Mom. sick. I am trying to support her and give her a voice, but at the same time my attorney is telling me that I have to make her go to visitation with him. I have a court date coming up at the end of August and I am asking for daytime visitation only. My son is in a tough spot. He doesn't give my husband a whole lot of narcissistic supply because he is very mellow and laid back. He has SOOOO much more integrity and kindess in his heart than his dad does. It is amazing. He is trying to get involved in some of the activities that his dad is into, just to spend time with him. I am letting him go, within reason. I know that he will be crushed, but I feel like it is important that my son figures it out for himself. My five-year-old is very appealing to the N, because she still kind of adores him, but she is very, very confused. She can hold her own, being the youngest of three. She is very vocal and smart as a whip. She is old enough to tell me what happens at dad's house, and I hear her pretending in her room with her dolls and she is working it out somehow. It is so hard to watch our children go through the pain of figuring out what a deadbeat dad they have. Children are smart. I have seen it time and time again that they eventually figure out the truth. Secrets and pretending don't help, but neither does badmouthing and being the eternal victim. I tell my children all the time that I am going to be okay, that we are all going to go on and live happy lives. That he hasn't ruined my life, that cancer hasn't ruined my life. We have been through a lot as a family, the kids and I. It is so strange how it has ended up that they are my biggest supporters. They were through my breast cancer treatment and through the deaths of both of my parents, and for sure through this sucky divorce process. I really bought the myth that we had this happy little family with a daddy and mommy and three kids. I don't think that my older kids ever really did, and they were very bothered by all of the fighting and the abuse. I feel like I did them a huge service by getting out of that situation. They need to know that it isn't acceptable to be treated like that by anyone. We deserve better. Hang in there Mallory, it will get better. Keep it to the scheduled visitation, don't stay at your house when he is there, but have a stand-in if you can. That is a great idea, by the way. As your boys get older, they will see the difference between Mom's house and Dad's house. They will come to you for safety and security, and the N will lose interest in them as they get older. I have a friend who was married to an N, they have 2 daughters cheated, divorced. Total Rat. Married the other woman pretty quickly and moved in with her. (She was married too with 3 kids. Now the N is living in suburbia with the other woman, she doesn't have a job, he didn't have a job until recently. Other woman gave up her alimony to marry him. STUPID! They couldn't pay their mortgage. He had to take a job out of state--I smell another affair coming on. The other woman has to live with the fact that she married a cheater. He cheated with her, she knows what a good liar and pretender he is. She will never have any peace. And, as time marches on, in only a few short years they will have a whole slew of angry, smartass teenagers, five of them to be exact. Their lives are going to be HELLLLLLLLLLLLL! They have two kids in the sixth grade, two in the fifth, and one in the second. Four girls and one boy, who is the oldest. They are making their own bed, just like your dumbass husband is. You don't watch car races with your small children and expect them to want to have a relationship with you when they are older.

Set limits! Definitely. The "relationship" they'll have with him will be distorted. However, children are smart. They KNOW when adults are behaving badly. The law can intervene only when the children are put in a "dangerous" situation. You can monitor the visits through someone else's eyes and indeed, limit your STBXN's access to them in a very crafty way. If they are actors, well, guess what? YOU are NOW an actress!!! Seriously....start writing the "script" if you will without showing any overt manipulation. My daughter had to have visitations with her dad. It killed me but I employed every brain cell in my head to counteract the negative effects. I would scope out the lay of the land for their visits and show her the "safe place" I would be waiting. I would then meet him and act like I was leaving but would go to the "safe place". She could then decide when she'd had enough of him and meet me there. I could then DOCUMENT everything. It worked very well. When he was in a house environment, I made sure another adult I trusted was there and I'd LEAVE. I wouldn't come back until he was gone. Eventually, as she got older, and turned 12, I figured, "Well, she's 12, so if the court wants to enforce this "visitation" (hell), so be it. She can testify what she thinks." My N was actually pretty lazy and his posturing was all an act. He was too lazy to pursue things BY THEN. Your children are smart and can read this better than you know.