Didn't Realize the Devastation

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#1 May 27 - 1AM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Didn't Realize the Devastation

I'm usually very clued into what's going on with me. Unfortunatley, I feel like I was hit by a bus and am feeling completely devasated on all levels. I thought I was "handling" all of this quite well but now realize that I'm NOT. I didn't know that with the death of the dream, I would feel like the rug was being ripped out from under my feet. I didn't count on the dead-limb, lead-filled-feeling that my whole body is experiencing. I've had some relationships end before but never felt like my whole world has crashed over my head like this!

What I want to know is: If he really didn't want our relationship, why did he act like he did? WHY put someone through this? Why write all the letters and ask all his friends and family what to do to keep me when he DIDN'T WANT ME? He will never, ever, ever understand what he's done. I will never understand it either. I don't know how to get over this. I really, really don't. I feel like I'm dead inside and want to just go to sleep forever.

How do you connect the dots and make any sense of their behavior? How do you ever love again?

Jun 12 - 4PM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

its hard

with an N or p its just so hard b/c they had you fooled and conned...into making you think they loved you so much or you were their world...they sucked you in lured you in then sucked you dry and discarded you or whatever was there...an n relationship crumbling is really hard on a person, it's hard with any relationship but just far worse with an n because of all the lies degradation abuse humiliation involved...you gave yourself up and so much of yourself, for someone who really didn't care at all and was just playing a game or using you...it is devastating and difficult....you learn they just don't care...whereas you think they cared more than you did you learn they didn't care at all...they just had to make you think they cared while they were pretending so they can reel you in and torment you---once you love them or they have you hooked they can use and abuse you as they want and manipulate you terribly....the end result and ending is catastrophic makes no sense and is nasty..realistically they will end up with another girl and that's their safety backup and dump or use you...they will also dump you in a heartbeat and not care at all..they will also lie use and con you.. the N still trying to get money off me if he can or use I think so he can go spend it on his other new gf or persno possibly..their behavior is scary but it's a good learning lesson to know that none of them truly care and when they aer manipulating u into thinking they do...run fast or don't get hooked in and believe their lies-- they aren't capable of love...it's just lies and using people.. they will do anything to try to get what they want and if they can't then they move onto the next person... i know im still trying to detox myself of mine and it's difficult and will take time and is painful but with time it will get better..
Jun 12 - 2PM
fooled42long (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Didn't realize the devistation

Neveragain: I know exactly how you feel. I was led to believe mine was going to marry me and spend the rest of his life making it up to me. (He opened a business with his girlfriend while we were engaged) He said he only loved me and he made a huge mistake and he would leave the business for me. For 2 years he was telling me this and begging me to forgive him and give him another chance. So I waited and waited for him to do what he said he would do. One day I saw her (the girlfriend) coming out of his house in Feb. I confronted him, in his tears he said he didn't love her but he was in love with me and he was sorry. The next day I was the stalker and I wouldn't leave him alone. He never stopped seeing her and they got married in May. I went from the main girl to the girl on the side. I am humiliated and ticked off at myself for believing anything he said.
Jun 3 - 10PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are asking the right

You are asking the right questions and that is how the new life begins. You are at the very end of the worst type of emotional harm and it was intentionally inflicted on you making you feel like a victim. It doesn't matter what he did, says, who he has in his corner what matters is you are on the way out. You might need some help with the healing. Your wounds don't show but you have serious hurt inside as anyone would. Get some books on emotional healing, read lisa's book, get some counseling, and move on. The farther you get away from this the better and stronger you will feel I promise you. Stay out of the game and your head will clear and you will see and feel things differently.
Jun 3 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Thank you Carolyn!

Reading your post made me smile (which I haven't been doing too much of lately!). You're right....it doesn't matter what he says or does or who he talks to (saying all kinds of half-truths and omitting what he actually DID to me). What matters is that I move on. I do have strength in my ability to find answers. Even though with Narcissists, the answers are that you just have to acknowledge that THEY aren't NORMAL....I guess that's an answer too. It's impossible to expect Narcissists to react to situations in a "normal" way. They don't have the equipment: like a heart, a soul, a conscience or compassion. I will try and remember all that. I can easily do it with my head....it's my heart that's really taken the most of the beating. (no pun intended :) )
May 28 - 6PM
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Before It's Too Late!

I went to the doctor today to get to the bottom of the physical symptoms I've been having. Turns out, there's a huge connection between emotional stress and physical symptoms. Granted, I do have problems related to the chemical balance due to my menopause...i.e. a lack of estrogen that causes definite physical symptoms. BUT, the fact that I've been going through this withdrawal/breakup/heartbreak has caused the physical symptoms to escalate. You know what? I'm getting a very strong message from my body that's saying, "Stop!". "Just stop. let it go and focus on YOU and your life." I will not continue to allow what that man has done to further affect me. So, I'm saying, "NO! No more energy is going to be wasted on you!". He doesn't have my power because I'm taking it back! I'm not his victim anymore. I'm done. Whether or not I ever get the validation and closure I deserve doesn't matter. MY HEALTH matters. I MATTER. This whole thing is devastating, yes. However, I cannot afford to feed it any more. (Can you hear the crowd cheering, yet?) I will not only survive this....I'm going to thrive! Many times I've heard about the health decline of someone under extreme stress. It's real and it's dangerous. Well, before it's too late, I've got to claw my way out of the hole of despair and use every ounce of courage left in me to walk out....not just physically but emotionally too. That man does not deserve to have me waste one more tear on him. I will have "bad" days (or hours or minutes) but I can find the light again. My heart and soul are beautiful and I will find the light again.
May 31 - 5PM (Reply to #28)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

illness

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/05/your-medical-conditions-is-root-your.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/07/ptsd-as-trauma-disorder-not-psychiatric.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/when-your-symptoms-look-like-something.html Book: WHEN THE BODY SAYS NO by Dr. Gabor Mate
May 30 - 3AM (Reply to #25)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Neveragain

I love what you wrote about reclaiming your life and not allowing him to bring you down. My body is so sensitive to emotional stress it's like clockwork. Whenever I go through something emotional, I become ill or sick in some way. I agree with you that there is a huge connection between emotional stress and physical ailments. During my separation from my ex-husband, I had an auto-immune response that was so powerful I lost the ability to walk for weeks. I literally could not walk and had to be wheeled around. I agree that your body is telling you to stop obsessing about this man and start focusing on you and your health. You owe it to yourself to do that. Take care of yourself. As you said, your heart and soul are beautiful and you will find the light again. Stay strong. xoxo, Lisa
May 30 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Lisa, You Get It!

Thank you so much, Lisa. I feel determined to fight back in a healthy, strong way. I have tears of determination in my eyes and I believe that to beat this, I have to truly love myself enough. I have to realize the lesson(s) learned and really use that knowledge to make my life better. I cannot continue to allow anyone or anything to dictate and define what my life looks like. I deserve to have a balanced, peaceful, serene and healthy life!
May 30 - 2PM (Reply to #27)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Neveragain

Yes, you deserve this and so much more! I'm so glad you're realizing this! xoxo, L
May 28 - 11AM
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

wow!

Ladies, I can really relate to this. I think my problem and Im not sure if you ladies have been there as well. Is the realization that I will be alone for a while, and what if I never meet anyone else ever again. I am so terrified of being abandon. Or what if I never meet anyone who is normal. Or what if I can never trust again, and allow someone in. Im still in limbo with my N, Im trying to distance myself, and then BAM there he is again. And then he disappears and ignores me for a few days, and then BAM he's back again. As soon as I show some distance, hes back in sweet and nice mode, its so frustrating. Im trying to see other people as well, but he keeps asking me questions about it, and making me feel guilty. I know all about the no contact rule, but it feels impossible, especially when Im so confused. Does anyone know what I mean?
May 28 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I can relate!

I am new to this but reading what you wrote about the limbo with the N while your trying to distance yourself but he's in and out....Im THERE!!!! I try to ignore him and he comes on strong with flowers and the "You are my World"....then he just fades away for a few days....then returns to accuse me of going out with other men while he was away. I know the guilt, the hurt, the confusion you feel. I have found that seeing other people is impossible. But my story is even better....I work with the N everyday. So the no contact rule is out the door for me unless I quit my job. He is everywhere. I am stuck and feel like I'll never get my sanity back. He has single handedly ruined my relationships with all of my family and friends. It's out of control.
May 28 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Whatever & Amanda

Whatever-I know exactly what you mean. It takes time to get to a point where you feel comfortable without them in your life, but that's only because they have brainwashed you into believing you can't live without them. Go to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to retrain your brain. Seriously, it's incredibly helpful and critical, in my opinion. Amanda - I'm so sorry to hear you have to work with your n! That is a nightmare! No way around it, huh?
May 28 - 7PM (Reply to #22)
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Lisa

As a single mother and the money that I need to make to survive there is nothing that will pay me as much as I make right now. Most of the "torture" actually occurs at work. But being the profound N that he is, he can torture me without anyone else ever witnessing it. There are days I actually sit in the bathroom and cry. He accuses me of having interest in ANY MALE that even walks by me. I dare not talk to anyone. I have spoke to my manager but nothing helps. It will continue...
May 30 - 3AM (Reply to #23)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Amanda

I'm so sorry you have to work with him. That must be horrible. I'm so sorry you have to endure that. How long have you been working with him? Can you avoid him at work or do you have to work directly with him on things?
May 28 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Amanda

Just wanted to say hello and welcome!
May 28 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
Amanda1221 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quietude

Thanks for the welcome. This site has already helped me feel like I'm not actually crazy.
May 28 - 1PM (Reply to #17)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes

whatever2009, When I was with mine, even though I was miserable half the time, the thought of not being with him scared me to death. I tried to picture it, and I felt a huge void every time. (There are reasons behind our strong attachment, which have been discussed on this site numerous times). He knew I had abandonment issues BECAUSE OF HIM, thank you! He was good at keeping me frightened about it too, in a very covert way. I had bad dreams about him leaving too, then I'd wake up and be relieved he was still there, but at the same time, so resentful. It feels 'impossible' when you're with them -- only after you're not with them, do you see it's possible that you're actually okay without them around. I'm working on being absolutely THRILLED that he's not around...I think that day will come though.
May 28 - 9AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

All your life you were

All your life you were taught that your prince was coming and then you thought you found your prince and the prince turned out to be a nasty guy who harmed you. You are suffering from Cinderella disappointment syndorme. You have every right to expect a good partner but when you are so brutally disappointed by him you also have every right to mourn the dream. The next time you will be more discerning about who you give your heart to, more realistic, and less involved in the fantasy of a relationship. He sold you the Cinderella myth and then devastated you, talked about you all over the place like there was something wrong with you, and left you shattered-and he did it intentionally. He likes to inflict emotional harm and watch the negative results. It makes him feel in control. No contact is so right. Lisa is right on with this. There is no way to maintain any contact with an emotional or physical abuser it makes the healing impossible. they can't not do it again once they have made you sad, mad, cry, be confused etc. It is like a drug to them. You are kind hearted and nice and you not only deserve better but 'better' is on the way.
May 27 - 5PM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Neveragain.

This is long... But maybe it will help you,I hope......Let me tell you what happend to me and why I am doing ok today....I loved my first husband with all my heart. From the tip of his head to the bottem of his feet. He was my first love ,my first boyfriend, my first everything.(I still love him but I have let him go) He was a very damaged individual, mom on drugs, dad alcoholic.Evil step-mother.I met him at 16,pregnant at18, had first baby at 19, married at 20, second baby at 21, he left a week before my 22nd birthday.He had been bothe physically and verbally abusive to me. He was explosive when mad. Sweet as pie when he was not angry.I loved him so much. when he left I thought I was going to die. I mean litteraly. My throat closed up and I couldn't hardly swallow. I walked around pacing back and forth. I went for about four days without evan sleeping I was so exhausted that I would drift off and wake up in a panic. I would stand up and lose my breath for about 6 or a 7 seconds. Each time I was sure I wouldn't breath again. He left one day without warning just never came home. He cleared out our bank account took his clothes, The only newborn pictures I had of our boys and split. No goodbye. No money, no milk, pampers,food. I was devastated. I was in a panic. I went to my moms. She of course was in paridise because she loves being needed to that degree. I was weak. She forced me to drink slimfast because I couldn't swallow real food. I could feel a big ball in the back of my throat and it hurt. I went so long without food and sleep that I started having delusions. Then one day I was sitting on a bench at a park watching my kids play in the sand and It felt like my ears were plugged I couldn't hear anything. I thought I had gone deaf. I became very frightend. Then I heard a high pitched sound like an untuned radio. Then all of a sudden I just got this overwhelming feeling of peace. I thought maybe I was dieng. Then I had a feeling, more like an understanding that everthing is going to be ok, let go. Let go. It wasn't a voice that I was hearing, just a knowing.My hearing returned and I knew it was God. It kept saying let go, you are ok. Everything will be ok. And right then and there I made myself a promise. I will never,ever let myself get so addicted to a person, so imeshed with another person that I almost die when they leave. And evan though I have been through sheer hell with the abusive bastard I am tied to now. He has not led me that far down into depair and terror. I have just been doing hard hard time. And I do love him. But I kept my promise to myself. That is how I know I will be ok. I WILL be ok.I will never be that bad off again. My point to you with this long personal story is that you will be ok too. You will. And what you are feeling will come in waves and as time passes(if you don't go back) the waves will get fewer and farther between. It is true. You can't see it now but I promise. Don't fall into despair. It will get better. I am healing so much quicker from this bad relationship than I did from the first one.And my current N is very controling and bounces back in forth from evil to good, sometimes within the same day! And I get scared because he is crazy. But I am no where near as scared as I was when my first husband left.(And he is a real threat to my saftey.) But the waves are not too bad. I really feel like the worst is already over(emotionally, that is.I am sure he has a lot of games to play yet.) The only thing I miss is the huge wait loss. My first one I got down to 99 lbs(dangerous,I know). I am still eating just fine through this one,darn it. He tried to make me feel sad yesterday.manipulation. I did for about a day. And now I am ok again. I keep thinking of that old Reba Mc entire song"I can't evan get the blues". I tried to be so upset that I couldn't eat but it did't work. I guess what I am saying is that the good news is that you will never love like this again. The bad news is... you will never love like this again. But you will be ok. You will have lonley times that suck. I go here to get my thinking straight. But there will be times that you feel strong. If you want to talk I am here
May 27 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

neveragain

There is one clear answer to WHY they do this and CONNECTING THE DOTS - One: They are SICK DISORDERED BEINGS. I believe them to be barely human. My late therapist had to tell me the same thing many times before I "got" it. "You can NOT make sense out of an insane, morally bankrupt mind." You simply cannot. And as I have said in another post - YOU CAN NOT ASCRIBE HUMAN MOTIVES OR VALUES TO THEM BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN'T WORK. They are PREDATORS. Simple. The trick is to STOP trying to understand them and understand yourself. And to keep moving AWAY from them. The farther away you get, the clearer things will be. We have all been where you are... yeah, even me - and I can assure you it takes a lot of time but it does get better. There's no quick fix here but educating yourself helps a lot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 27 - 2AM
Echo (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi neveragain

Most women whose blogs I visit or read on the boards know exactly how you are feeling. Relationships with a normal man never end with this feeling. Something extra has happened here and we're guessing that extra is the personality disorder. The lack of closure is horrible. Today I feel I need to write to the person I thought I knew (he wasn't real) and ask him why he did this to me? Why he pretended to love me when all he wanted was some attention. But I won't ever write or speak to him again because he won't be there any more. The only person there is a non-person. Someone who doesn't care and doesn't speak to me like a human being. I wanted to go to sleep forever and have only stopped wishing for that quite recently. Stay with us. We are all doing it. Keep on reading until you know who he is. Keep on posting so that you feel less alone with it. Keep on breathing and eating and putting one foot in front of the other and eventually, although it will take us a while, we'll be okay. You're not alone in your feelings. This is unbelievably hard. xxoxxo
May 27 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Mack Truck

Never Again, What you are feeling is very normal. YOu will get better, unfortunately, the only way out is to go through it. We have all been there and I am so sorry that you are in pain. It does get better. I have longer and longer stints of feeling good, even happy sometimes! I am moving on with my life, despite the fact that I am still married, I am raising three kids by myself, he is living with a 23-year-old who used to work with me and who knows me and knows my kids. I think she wants them! It is really scary because I went through breast cancer 3 years ago. You have to strip your life down to the basics and realize that you have things to be grateful for. Good friends, a place to live, a job if you have one, the love of your family, anything that makes you feel better. A sense of gratitude brings about peace and clarity for me whenever I am feeling bad. I do still have bad days, and he still does have the ability to hurt me. I just try now to block him completely from my mind, my heart, and my life. He is bad for me. He is a bad man. It is very simple. Distract yourself. Pray, read, get on this blog and write. It really does help and we all know what you are going through and we care. You will get to the other side. Let go of the past and the memories. Grieve the end of the dream and the fantasy. I can see now how HARD I tried to make it work for so long. It is no wonder I was so exhausted, bitter, angry, and tired all the time. Now I have this righteous anger going on and I refuse to take any crap. I may have swung too far to the anger side, ala Thelma & Louise, but I am enjoying the energy and the power that I feel now. Get a really good attorney if you are planning on getting a divorce. My attorney takes my rage and anger and turns it into a feeling of safety and security for me. Just today I found out that my N husband hasn't paid his income taxes. I was so pissed when I found this out. Too much detail to go into, but I emailed my attorney and he is doing something about it. That is why I pay him, because there is no way to try and reason with someone who is completely unreasonable, (The N husband). I read a very good analogy about Narcissists. The author said that expecting to get love and compassion and understanding from a Narcissist is like going to the Hardware Store for bread. He can't give you what you need and deserve. Never could, never will.
May 27 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Narcissists Re-Visited

So much of what I'm reading and in fact experiencing first hand shows just how prevalent Narcissists exist in our society. I am so glad I found this site. My first husband was a terribly addicted, abusive narcissist and back then (1982) there wasn't a lot of access to information about it. Looking back I see just how "text book" his behaviors were. It was horrible and I barely survived it. I did get out and the stories I could tell you would curl your hair. The WEIRD thing to me is (well, if you are a professional psychologist, probably not "weird" at all) I'm realizing that all of the MAJOR relationships I've had were with narcissists! Granted, I was able to get out of the relationships sooner but the recurring theme is disturbing to me. My first marriage lasted ten years (2 year dating for a total of 12). My second marriage lasted four years (2 year dating for a total of 6). My last relationship didn't end with a wedding and we were together for three years. My last guy (Plumber Boy) wasn't abusive PHYSICALLY.....and he was drop dead gorgeous. He was emotionally abusive. Even verbally, he wasn't into "name calling" but he sure could be nasty. I am a successful and attractive woman. I have a Masters Degree. All of the men I've been with only graduated high school. What in the bloody hell is wrong with me???? Oh, okay. Let's review.....Mother was an only child and exhibits Narcissistic Tendencies. Father sexually abused me until I blew the whistle....and paid the price for that when I was 13. I wasn't considered attractive but when I turned 30 and started working out/highlighting my hair/etc. I got attention I'd never had before. I raised my daughter (from husband no.1) by myself and had to pay off all his debts. Husband no 2 also put me in financial trouble but I worked two jobs (both times) and pulled out of it. I've had to "recover" so many times....emotionally, physically and financially. This time is different. It's all emotional. But I'm older now and should KNOW BETTER, right? I was addicted to my ex boyfriend (Plumber Boy) because he was so beautiful. He worked out all the time and didn't have the addictions that my ex-husband(s) had. They were both addicted to drugs (and gambling). My boyfriend lived such a clean life! He ate really well and seemed so, well, clean! He was also obsessed with things being clean. He didn't like me to leave water spots in the sink or put my finger prints on his car door. He was PERFECT. I couldn't seem to be good enough. After the "honeymoon" phase, he found many ways to devalue me and show a great deal of contempt for me. Oh, I'm rambling....but Dcrutche told me to write stuff out. In fact, Dcrutche, you are so right on in your observations: "Strip life down to the basics" and "A sense of gratitude can give you peace and clarity" and I love the Hardware Store analogy! So true! "Expecting love, compassion and understanding from a Narcissist is like going to the Hardware Store for bread"! Leah: I am so glad you shared your story. The epiphany you experienced was unreal. I loved the "let go, let go" voice you heard. The lack of closure cannot be fought.....I have to just, "LET GO"! My heart is hurting and I'm realizing so many things. I am tired of feeling scared and hurt. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not "Good Enough"! I want this to be over so I can feel at peace and have my life back. I have a good life and I've worked HARD for it! I'm tired of being sad and I'm tired of crying. I know it will get better in time but this whole thing just sucks.
May 27 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Neveragain

I know what you mean. I've fallen for more than one narcissist in my life. They are charming, intelligent and fun as heck. Hard to resist so don't beat yourself up about it. They are drawn to us because we are caring, compassionate, strong, independent women. I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, but it will get easier. Please do NOT ever think you are not good enough. That couldn't be more untrue. This is what the narcissist wants to make us believe - that we aren't good enough or that we did something wrong. That is total bull and please don't let him make you question yourself. Don't let him win. Stay strong and know you did nothing wrong here. Listen to our latest blog talk radio show because Elena and I specifically talk about how they try to make us question ourselves and believe we did something wrong. Hang in there! I know it sucks, but it will get better. Big Hugs, Lisa
May 27 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

LISA! You're so understanding

I missed most of the broadcast (or is it called blogcast?) because I get mixed up with the time zone thing. I'm on the West Coast. Yes, Southern California: land of the tanned, beautiful, competitive and gorgeous people. It's not easy growing older in this part of the country! Am I a Narcissist too? I guess that the Greek Mythology stuff had something there....Echo was the counterpart to Narcissus. She echoed what he wanted to hear. I can only ponder why I had to be with the most beautiful boy on the beach.....what insecurity in ME wanted that and felt so validated by it? Anyway....there I go, rambling again. I would LOVE to hear the whole broadcast. I have to keep educating myself about this dynamic that has (evidently) been a recurring theme in my life. Lisa, you are beautiful and intelligent and so incredibly smart. Thank you so much for all that you're doing here....it's amazing and so important!!!!
May 28 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Thanks Neveragain

Thank you Neveragain for your kind words. Thank you for being here! You can listen to the broadcast at any time by clicking on link below: www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim No, you are not a narcisisst. We all have narcissistic tendencies, but that doesn't make us a full-blown narcissist in the true sense of the word. It is obvious you are a caring and compassionate person and there is no way you're a narcissist because a narcissist has no empathy. You're the furthest thing from that!
May 27 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
neveragain
neveragain's picture

Thank you Echo and Barbara

I'm usually so good at taking care of myself. However, I can't seem to shake this sadness. I have a hard time eating and sleep only lasts for a short while. I wake up and find myself back in the nightmare. Thank you for your encouraging words. I have to believe that it does get easier. I am lucky that I have some friends who really care and I will keep educating myself on this condition. I really didn't realize what I was dealing with. Now that I do, maybe I can find my way back to the light.
May 30 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Paloma (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Getting better every day

Hello! I'm new to this site, but I feel compelled to tell my story. Been on and off again with N for seven years. In a moment of stupidity, I moved in with him a year ago and shortly after that became pregant. He isn't physically abusive, but the verbal/emotional abuse is sometimes worse in my opinion. He was abusing alcohol and painkillers and took out all his anger on me. I couldn't believe that he would be so cruel to me when I was carrying his child! I thought he would change after the baby was born, but it just got worse. I moved out a few months ago and he's using our child as a source of his control. He wants 50/50 custody - which I don't believe he actually "wants" that much time with our daughter, he just wants to get back at me. He keeps begging me to come back saying that he changed. He is going to therapy and has gone to drug/alcohol rehab for a few days. I don't believe he's changed at all. He tries to guilt me into coming back saying that "I owe it to our daughter". I know that I'm making the right decision for our daughter by trying to limit the time he spends with her. He's toxic and will only hurt her.
May 31 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Paloma

Welcome to our site! We are so glad you found us! Emotional and verbal abuse can be the worst kind because it literally pushes you to the edge of your sanity. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm happy to hear you moved out though. Please do not go back. He's incapable of change, especially if he has drug/alochol addiction. Narcissists are prone to abuse alcohol or drugs because it numbs them even more from having to feel. I've been with men before who have addictions and while I struggled to understand whether they were a narcissist or not, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter becaue they're an addict. That's all you need to know. You cannot raise a child with an addict. You are protecting your daughter by breaking free from this man. Do not give in to his manipulation or believe he has changed. Protect her and yourself and stay away. You're right, he is toxic and will only hurt her. Hang in there and know that we are here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa
May 31 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
grossot
grossot's picture

We are glad you're her

We are glad you're here Paloma! Go ahead vent and let out your frustrations. We are here to listen and support each other. You shoul also listen to Lisa's blogcast on radioblog.com you can search there for Lisa E.Scott and find out times or listen to past shows. N's are all the same. We get it we understand. Other people sometimes just don't realize the devistation. There's a difference in being married to a jerk and being married to a N. I wish I had a dime for every time I wished he would just hit me. That way people could see the scars. And believe me. One time he told me that he wishes I will marry a batterer. :( Don't ever get back with him. If you are ever tempted just log on here! Keep writing! nolongercontrolled