Use of marital funds

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#1 May 21 - 7PM
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Use of marital funds

okay girls....ready for this one. STBX is spending our savings account to pay for GF rent since she has been fired from her job due to affair. He feels responsible to her since he was her boss.

I am terrified financially and he is paying her rent.

Jun 4 - 6AM
grossot
grossot's picture

Mallory, what has become of

Mallory, what has become of this. What happened after you froze the account? How is he behaving now? I appologize if you've addressed this and I missed it somewhere? I know u can't worry about the gf but I wonder why she's abusing herself by staying with him? He chose her to be fired? And she stayed? I hope her kids are ok? I know we were all fooled at some point but come on! He chose her to be fired! At least your eyes are open mallory! This is horrifying! Where does it end? nolongercontrolled
Jun 4 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

grossot

Lawyer is all over the spending. He is still trying to send me texts that state how he loves me, misses me, ect. He still tells me that he doesn't love GF, but needs her at this point in his life to help him through his depression, help him with the house, etc. He still does not want to live with her children. In terms of why GF stays with him? I can only imagine that she is just like all of us. I am sure he promised his love, was his charming, exciting self, and is doing and saying whatever he needs to secure her love. Yes, she is staying with him even though she fired from her job. Maybe she feels even more that she needs to stay by him. The only people I worry about are her kids, because it doesn't feel like either STBXNH or GF are really looking out for them. Yes, my eyes are very open!!!!! I don't know where it ends for other GF victims of him, but it has ended over her.
Jun 3 - 11PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

Where is your lawyer? You

Where is your lawyer? You need to get your finances in place and he should have no joint accounts with you. His inappropriate spending of marital funds on his adultery is not legal. If this man is so connected to this girlfriend and you are afraid of money issues, I understand that as I think most women are afraid of girlfriends and being poor, what about shifting your focus away from them and totally on to you and your future. you are seeing injustice first hand why not look into becoming a paralegal-maybe a lawyer. Who knows this crazy experience might just be leading you to where you are supposed to be. Very soon they will be out of your life then what? Start thinking about what is going to work for you and taking steps to get there. Take a test to find out what job would be good for you and then work towards that. this guy is this gals boss and now she is broke and afraid-he is her problem now.
Jun 3 - 11PM (Reply to #20)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

working on our future

I am working on my kids and my financial future. I am looking into school programs, and working on getting my financial independence back. I have my short term and long term goals set in my mind. It is a process, but in the meantime, I need to protect myself and my kids.
May 21 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

he's beyond Narc now...

if his behavior hasn't proved what a SACK OF CRAP he is... You know, he's flushing his life down the bowl. He's going to be on the hook for a whole lot with you. Especially taking JOINT money, when he has CHILDREN and using them on the G'friend! And that Psych Evaluation is going to be the cherry on the sundae. As I suspected, this sex-addict, pathological liar, abuser and user is WAAAAAAAAAY beyond Narc. He's now squarely in PSYCHOPATH territory. I hope your lawyer has cancelled his next visit with the kids. This is too much. Stay strong - and continue no contact. Some of these guys are like a tree stump in an old forest. Once you kick them, all sorts of nasty crap starts crawling out. I'd be prepared to find out even more, mallory as your divorce moves along. When's the next court date? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 21 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Sack of crap

They are BOTH sacks of crap. How do people like this live with themselves. You know Barbara, I just pray for karma. The vacation swhould have been enough for me to freeze the accounts. How can he spend money on GF when he knows that is money for his kids. Seriously Barbara, How can he do that? Still waiting to hear back about visit. Next court date should be in the next couple of weeks.
May 21 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

how?

Seriously Barbara, How can he do that? You are still placing "normal" modes of behavior and "normal" social mores on him mallory. Stop! http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/07/danger-of-ascribing-normal-human.html ~~~~~~~~~~~ They do NOT have to have all of these to be a psychopath. Just a couple will do it: Summary of some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of psychopaths. * Glibness and Superficial Charm * Manipulative and Conning They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. * Grandiose Sense of Self Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." * Pathological Lying Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. * Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. * Shallow Emotions When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. * Incapacity for Love * Need for Stimulation Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. * Callousness/Lack of Empathy Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. * Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or even animals, stealing, etc. * Irresponsibility/Unreliability Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. * Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity Promiscuity, sexual abuse, rape, fetishes and sexual acting out of all sorts. * Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. * Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. That's HOW! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 21 - 8PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Joint savings?

If so, can you get online and transfer right now? Or first thing in the morning?
May 21 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

can't

almost all savings are in mutual funds...which we are quickly going through with loans. He is paying her out of his monthly check, and we both pay for all of our expenses out of this monthly check. We use it all up most every month. There really is nothing else to divide. His paying her just adds to the loan against our mutual funds. I am going to talk to lawyer in morning about freezing the account as of tomorrow.
May 21 - 7PM
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Oh no! You are kidding!

Oh no! You are kidding! Ditto what denise said!!!
May 21 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

not kidding

I wish I was kidding. Even sicker part....the time he paid her bill, was the time he was sending me all the texts, emails and phone calls about reconciliation.
May 21 - 7PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

GET YOUR MONEY OUT OF THE

GET YOUR MONEY OUT OF THE ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY!!! He's HER boss??? Who fired her then? Him?? WTF!! This IS insane. Don't stand for this, get the money out of the account and DO NOT let him pay HER out of your marital funds!!! ~Denise~
May 21 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

her boss

Yes, he is her boss. When corporate found out about their affair, one of them had to leave. H had to make the decision, so he picked her. Now she is without a job. She was the main breadwinner in her family. She left her husband for my H, and then lost her job because of affair. She has joint custody with her exH, but his buisness is in the red, and has been for a very long time. He owns a restaurant. She has been living in my house, but when she has her kids, she lives in her rental because my H doesn't want kids. Anyway, since she lost job, and has no income...he has paid for her rental with our marital funds. Will call lawyer in the morning.
May 22 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Corporate Craziness

Look at the mess that he has made of his job now. He wrecked his marriage, her career, and probably his too. You get to walk away from the disaster that is his life. That is a really great feeling. You are removed from his chaos. He will create it wherever he goes, because that is what Narcissists do. They have to. He isn't going to have the white picket fence and the happy family. He is going to have a crap life. You, however can walk away and have something better. My life now is so much easier and less drama-filled. I can make plans! I can go on vacations without him backing out at the last minute, or picking a fight. I can really focus on my kids and give them all of my attention. Our family life seems more normal now than it ever has, ironically. You don't need his psychodrama and he is totally trying to suck you back in. My N did too, last November he was asking me to refi the house he was living in with him. He asked me to co-sign on a car loan, he asked me in February if he could live in my basement! Meanwhile he was either planning on screwing the babysitter or already doing the deed. Yuck! he makes me sick! I don't want to have anything to do with that mess. The babysitter was asked to resign from her job where I work bc she was sleeping with one of her student's dads. (Him) He totally blamed me for her getting fired! I got a whole bunch of nasty texts--"why couldn't you come after me instead of ruining a 23-year-old's life?" How I was a bully and mean and that this is why he "no longer sleeps in my bed." Whatever.
May 21 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Oh Mallory. THAT is one of

Oh Mallory. THAT is one of the most effed up things I've EVER heard. Beats even my stuff. Please. Protect yourself. AND DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!! And do NOT pay her bills!!! As if it weren't bad enough she had an affair with YOUR husband....HE did this to you. YOU owe NEITHER of them ANYTHING!! Let HIM suffer through this...you have the upper hand right now if you take it. Seize the opportunity to gain control of your own life AND self esteem!! ~Denise~
May 21 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Self Esteem.

My self esteem is growing every day. The thing that always blows me away is how the two of them continue to engage in the most selfish, insensitive ways imaginable. I thought the expensive vacation paid for out of our joint account was bad. H took GF on expensive vacation with our money to celebrate their relationship. Neither of them could understand why I would be upset. In fact, they accused me of being controlling. Sure...go on vacation, but why am I paying for it? The BS just doesn't stop. I can't believe these two people.
May 21 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

call your lawyer first thing

Demand the account be FROZEN immediately. Demand an accounting from the bank of what he's spent on the live-in whore and in the settlement - take NOTHING LESS than the repayment of EVERY SINGLE DIME. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 22 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Elena
Elena's picture

Malloryfest!

Malloryfest, I agree with Barbara, make him repay all he has spent with this woman. Watch and document every dime. Keep an excel spreadsheet, to keep track of all expenses, and try to get a hold of statements, or an online print out of the transactions. My ex-narcissist, was starting to do something similar, but using a credit card, before I knew about the other woman. He used the credit card during his visit with her, to rent a car, and eating out, and that credit card was going to be paid with marital funds. When I discovered what he was doing, I started the divorce process, and I told him that he needed to pay for the balance in that credit card on his own, that it would be left out of the divorce bucket, as I would not assume responsibility of this debt. So I had the attorney draft the marital dissolution agreement this way, and that's exactly how it was handled, he ended up with that debt that now he needs to pay on his own. The key here is - document, document, document. Keep a really close check on the money, and keep track of those expenses he needs to re-pay. And if there are no assets at the end of the divorce and there's debt, then he should end up with more debt than you. As he would need to take off all he has spent in this woman from your debt share.
May 21 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Barbara...

That is exactly what I am doing. He will repay me for every dime he spent on that woman. Barbara..I am beyond mad. These two are so self-serving.
Jun 4 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

marital dissipation

OMG.....keep detailed records Mallory. My STBXN has spent so much money since we were separated...Literally hundreds of thousands and why my attorney did not order a HOLD on this account is driving me crazy. He keeps saying it will "come back on him in court". Well...being married to an N , I guess, makes it more believable that he would do this and continue to do this thinking he would get away with it. But I am furious with my lawyer who has not acted on this sooner. Perhaps my fault that I didn't insist. Yes, definitely. I am only hoping and praying that it comes back to eat him in court. In the meantime, do all you can do to freeze accounts and change the names so that you have separate accounts and credit cards. It makes it so much easier. I was too foolish and trusting to not do this early on. I regret this greatly as it makes it so much more difficult to sort things out in court or settlement proceedings. I hate myself for not being "more aware" but hopefully others can learn from my experience. CM
May 21 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory

I can imagine the steam coming out of a judge's ears when he hears that this idiot paid his gf's expenses, not to mention a trip. Unreal!!
May 21 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Re: Barbara...

You go girl!! ~Denise~