Feeling the tug

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#1 May 19, 2009 - 2:27pm
malloryforest's picture

Feeling the tug

OK. Now I know you will think I am sick, but there is part of me that is feeling the tug. Since I said I want the divorce, I am questioning myself. He said he would give up the GF, begrudingly, and I turned him down. I think I need the reinforcements that I didn't give up too early, and that past behavior predicts future behavior, and even if he did give up GF and come back, eventually it would bew the same old thing. I know all of this, I read all the articles, yet there is still that tug. There is still that part of me that questions myself. There is still that part of me that is jealous of GF. I know...totally crazy!!!!!

This tug is normal right?

May 19, 2009 - 11:36pm
Elena's picture


Malloryforest, Past behavior does predict future behavior. And pathology is the inability to change, or sustain change. They can say that they will change, and they may, but just for a little while, just temporarily, and then they go back to being their normal dysfunctional selves. My ex-narcissist would tell me that he was going to change his behavior, and he would change for a few days or weeks, and then he would go back to being himself again. Before he left our home he even told me - "You see, I never changed", he had the nerve to say that to me. And I spent 10 years of my life with this man, and he never changed, his dysfunctional self was consistently the same the entire time. The tug and the second guessing yourself is normal, you may even feel guilt, I felt guilt for a long while, but while you go through this, remind yourself what the truth is - the truth is that he is dysfunctional and unfaithful man. And keep reminding yourself this, and press forward. As you move forward, you will get stronger. When I was struggling with second guessing myself and guilt, someone asked me - "Do you want to be married to a cheater? A cheater that may leave you later on when you are older?" My answer to this question was - NO, I will move forward. Oh, and don't be jealous of the GF, she's not getting a good man, she's getting a "Cheater", you deserve a good man.
May 19, 2009 - 9:48pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


mallory STOP ASKING YOURSELF QUESTIONS LIKE THIS. My late therapist once told me, when I was in the WHY WHY WHY loop about exNH as well as Psycho-boy: Do NOT try to make normal sense out of a sick mind. It can't be done even by experts. NEVER EVER listen to their words - 'LISTEN' to their ACTIONS! You have no clue what he's telling her and never will. He's a pathological liar. The ONLY thing important to him - IS HIM!! Who cares WHY? He's sick so WHY wouldn't make any sense anyway. You're normal - you'd NEVER be able to make heads or tails of it - besides, he's probably going to give you no closure like they all do. WHY? BECAUSE HE'S A PATHOLOGICAL that's WHY. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 19, 2009 - 6:59pm
finallydone's picture

I understand

I don't think you're sick... either that or I think we're both sick. :) I know exactly how you feel. Mine is sitting on the couch and it's breaking my heart. But I have no idea what to say to him. He informed me today that he did sign the QuitClaim but that he will hold onto it until I schedule the closing and he promises to show up. He is pulling boxes out and stacking them in the garage and this seems all so surreal. And I know if I just said "what can we do to work this out" that he'd stay. But I know if I did that, I'd be back to the same arguments and manipulation and temper tantrums. He can't change at 52 right? So I understand... and I totally understand the jeolousy. I'm trying really hard not to think about how he's calling everybody "babydoll" and "Yeah baby" and whatever else he says to women that he always said to me too. I gave up practically everything just to hear him say stuff like that... it's insane. And I don't have kids with him, I am not financially dependent on him... I have absolutely no excuses for this except I just loved him. So you're not sick... just wanting what you thought you had and what you invested so much time and energy and love in. And really wanting to believe that he loves you too. That he really feels just like you do. But do you think he would be feeling this way if the shoe were on the other foot? If you left and had a boyfriend and told him you might give the guy up if you knew you could work it out with him? I doubt it. And I believe that because so many times when mine has had any number of "requirements" for me... I always thought, "what would he do if I said or did the same thing... probably explode!" I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now.... it just totally sucks and I'm right there with you every minute. Don't even know you, but I feel you....
May 19, 2009 - 6:35pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture


Yes, the tug is sooooo normal! Of course you are second guessing your decision. You just spent how many years of your life with a man who made it his personal priority to get you to question yourself about everything! He has you brainwashed. I know this sounds dramatic, but it's true. He purposefully has caused you not to trust your own intuition about things so that you will be dependent on him. This is how they operate. This is how they ensure we will stay with them. You are going to feel this tug for awhile. I felt it for at least three years after I separated from my ex-husband. Believe me, it is perfectly normal to feel the tug and you will feel it for awhile so don't read into it. Everytime you feel that way, try to laugh it off. Seriously, laughter is the best medicine. When it happens, laugh and think "that's not me thinking, it's him trying to brainwash me again" and don't let him in. Stay strong! xoxo, L
May 19, 2009 - 3:55pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mallory - that's the trauma bond & VERY normal

Have you read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS yet? what you are feeling is NORMAL - just DO NOT give into it. Make a list of all the sick things he's done or said and put it somewhere you can see it readily. When you feel that pull - READ IT. And maintain NO CONTACT. I still feel it 5 years after psycho-boy but it is a lot easier to deal with now. Reading for you: http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/ritual_abuse/50317 http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/08/intense-attachments.html http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 19, 2009 - 3:50pm
Fawn's picture

The Tug

You aren't crazy Mallory, it is very normal to still feel "that tug". You have been with this man for a long time. I understand the jealousy. I know it feels really bad to admit it. Again, normal. There will come a day when you will feel relieved, but jealousy is a human emotion and Narcissists LOVE to stir that up. Jealousy mixed with pain and shame and rage. They eat it up with a spoon. Feel all your feelings Mallory, they are just feelings and they WILL pass. The mistake that many of us make when dealing with a Narcissist is calling them or emailing them or trying to get them to understand how we feel. They don't get it! He doesn't have any empathy for you. He isn't capable. I know how maddening it is to be hurting and to know that he is just getting by. He isn't feeling anything, he is just existing, AND those two cretins are creating their own Karma. Your best revenge is to go on with your life, mother your children, carve out time for yourself, try to find some joy somewhere. Let yourself feel, but do it without letting your N know. It will just serve as entertainment and sick pleasure for him. Back in January I was right where you are. I was in physical pain over my skewed memories of the good times in our relationship. I was doing some serious grieving and I was hurting. He was calling and texting me and being sort of nice, offering to let me store stuff in the garage, helping me pick up a dining room table. Do you think that it was a coincidence that he asked me to file our income taxes jointly and split the return with him the next week? About 10 days after he was nice to me, my daughter found a condom wrapper on his couch, a week after that he stole my minivan, and then a month after that, I found out that he was screwing a 23-year old co-worker who I saw EVERY DAY. She took care of my youngest daughter after school, AT MY SCHOOL! She was our babysitter for years! I was a complete wreck, totally sickened and devastated, betrayed. I really considered during that time in January reconciling with him and I told him how I felt. He used my emotions to fuel his arrogant attitude and tried to manipulate for money. He is a user and a complete creep and so is your husband. I'm SO GLAD that I somehow kept my wits about me and I didn't sleep with him. I really believe that the day we spent together picking up the dining room table, moving stuff into his garage, he was getting a total charge out of knowing that he was screwing someone else and spending time with me. I was totally flirting with him and he was flirting back, lifting the table all by his scrawny weakling self, trying to impress me. But in his mind he was probably thinking, I've got two women fighting over me. I didn't split the income tax return with him, and I didn't let him back into my heart. I wanted to. I told him I loved him, I told him I couldn't move on, I gave him way too much information, but I didn't let him in. He stomped all over my heart, told me he loved me but that he had "moved on". He had no problem trying to manipulate to get something he wanted. He has no guilt, he probably doesn't even remember. (I did get a very heavy dining room table moved for free) LOL! After I found out in January that he was sleeping around, I told him I forgave him for sleeping with someone else. (This was before I knew who it was). My offer of forgiveness was met with hatred and cruelty. He told me I was pathetic, worthless, and that I should be at work. That was a turning point for me because I realized that even offering the ultimate olive branch to him was an attack. That is because he ISN"T CAPABLE OF EMPATHY OR TRUE HUMAN FEELINGS. But I am.
May 19, 2009 - 7:35pm (Reply to #2)
malloryforest's picture

if she is so unimportant

I guess the part that I never understood is that he kept on telling me how unimportant she was. If she was so unimportant, why did he leave his family for her? Why did he let his family move to the other side of the country? WHy was he not willing to give her up for his family. And when he does want to reconcile, he tells me he needs to hold onto her because we live so far away, she helps with his depression, and cleans his house, and takes care of his yard. If she is so unimportant, than the kids and I must be super unimportant. I mean is that it...you spend over a decade with someone, have three children and you are no more important than that??
June 8, 2009 - 12:26am (Reply to #4)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


My N said to me, not too long ago, " I don't want to offend you but if you want me to be honest, I mostly have just felt like a friendship for you. I can't help it, that is really all I can feel for anyone. But I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Evan though I know its not enough for you I still don't want to let you go." We have been together for 11 years and friendship is all he has ever felt. That was one of the major defining moments that led me to the decision of finally leaving. I know he has been telling me this all along with his actions but I guess this time I finally heard it. Leah
May 19, 2009 - 11:48pm (Reply to #3)
Elena's picture

What's important to him...

Malloryforest, She's not important to him, the only thing that is important to him is - himself and meeting his needs. Rest in that. So this means that if "not giving her up" will meet his needs, then of course that's what he will choose. Remember, it's all about him, not about anybody else. This is the nature of a narcissist. The other woman is not getting someone who thinks she's important, she's getting a man who will "use" her, he's using her to clean his yard, remember? It's actually quite funny to hear that she's complying with the cleaning of the yard! A well put together woman will not do this!