He is here

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#1 May 3, 2009 - 7:45am
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

He is here

H got in yesterday. I spent the whole day outside of the house until it was evening and time for him to go to hotel. What irks me is how he is playing mr. great daddy. Kids are loving it. That part is good, seeing kids happy. It is just so bothersome how he can be such a cruel, selfish person to me, and so attentive and adoring to them. I guess I should be happy, and separate my relationship with him from their relationship with him. It just is creepy.

May 4, 2009 - 11:40am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

When he says "I'm So CONFUSED!"

I have a handful of readers who can, I’m sure, identify with parts of this letter so I have included the whole letter. Hi Susan, I’m going through bouts of depression…. I feel I have some of the warning signs of it.. I just need to talk to someone who can give me some solid advice about my particular problem. http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2008/10/23/mail-we-get-mail-when-a-narcissist-claims-confusion/ I’ve been reading some of your post and others… and I must say, it has been somewhat of an eye-opener… This is my story…. My relationship ended over 2 months ago… I was in a 2 yr relationship… or maybe an affair, as I see it now. I met him at work. When we met, he had a live-in girlfriend. He mentioned how things were going downhill long before we met and wanted to break up with her (said they’re living like roommates and she has a drinking problem). I told him not to rush into things and was also doubtful b/c of our differences (different ethnicity and religion). First of all, I want to suggest strongly that you have a depression evaluation. And I suggest strongly that you go to therapy and very very strongly suggest doing affirmations. This is not your fault. You sound like a good person who got involved with a real jerk. Some of the things I am going to say may sound harsh but I was once in your spot and I needed to hear things said straight up. The good news is that you can recover from this one, go on and be better and find a real person who is capable of having a relationship with you. You have to affirm that you deserve it and never put up with the likes of some creature like this again. You can do this!!! Now for the not so pleasant assessment of your situation: When someone is flirting and being inappropriate when they are in a relationship (no matter how bad the relationship is): this is a HUGE RED FLAG. This says so much more about them than a million conversations could say. But he was persistent. A few weeks later he broke it off with her and we started dating. It was intense: he even talked about marriage and children and how they would look like - he said he’s open to the religion and was “hopeful” for us. During the initial courtship, he even cried when I express some doubt. It went on for a couple of months - everything was perfect - he was perfect. This is called: reeling you in. Notice, also, that he had NO TIME alone. He had someone (you) waiting in the wings before he was even done with her. Remember the saying: What he does WITH you, he’ll do TO you. Than one day, out of the blue, he tells me he’s going back to his (supposedly)ex gf (”she stopped drinking”). He said they have a history together and said he feels that he’s doing the right thing. I was devastated… It’s called: he wants what he wants when he wants it. Others’ feelings be damned. He sounds like a spoiled child. We had to see each other at work since (at the time) we worked in the same department. He said he still wanted me to be a part of his life. Time went on, we were still in each others lives - via email and sometimes he would come see me and things would get physical. I told him what we’re doing is not right, but he said that he doesn’t want to lose me. He kept saying he doesn’t want to hurt me or her. He had already hurt you. One issue with this is the fact that he called ALL the shots. You get what you put up with. Here you’re putting up with a lot and letting him take what he wanted, whenever he wanted. Of course he didn’t want to lose you…there was no responsibility toward you…no obligation and you were asking nothing in return…people don’t want to lose people like that until THEY decide they’re done with them. Earlier this year (March 08), he finally ended his relationship with his gf (again). The reason he gave: she wanted marriage (they were together for 3yrs), but he couldn’t see her as the mother of his child, even though they were “very compatible”. This is the person he didn’t want to hurt. Right. He said they’re good friends (obviously so, since she didn’t know about his involvement..) He said he wanted to be alone and figure things out. We continued to email and he would still come see me whenever HE wanted to. When I wanted to see him, he started making excuses. I would try to arrange fun things to do over the weekends, he would initially say he’s up for it, than cancel at the last minute. He has the house and bought new furniture which I’ve never seen b/c he’s never invited me over. We’ve never done anything in public after he broke it off the first time with me. When asked why, he said its too early (he’s coming out of a break-up) and this would ruin his image by his peers (his ex also works there.). Again, he wants what he wants when he wants it. Keep you tucked away until he is ready for you. It doesn’t matter what YOU want, just like it didn’t matter what his ex wanted. A month ago (Aug), he started becoming very distant. I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is someone who’s interested in him, but the only problem is that she’s “young” - 28 (he’s 41 and I’m in my mid 30’s). He went on saying how she was his former student that he taught earlier. And that she allowed him to open up about his break-up with his ex-gf and also about me (which surprised me), how she’s a wonderful person and he can see himself with her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing… I don’t find it that unbelievable that there is now a third person. It sounds like it’s completely in keeping with all of his former behavior. The details he shared was unnecessary. Of course they were. He doesn’t have a bit of empathy for you. He’s incapable of even remotely understanding what you’re feeling or going through. He sounds like a classic narcissist. He said that he’s confused. He said he can see both of us in his life and (when asked) said that he still loves me and even enumerated the reasons why. Love is an ACTION. It’s what you DO, not what you SAY. He has not ONCE shown that he loves you. It’s a bunch of hooey. He said he knows he’s getting old, doesn’t want to end up alone and reflected on his past failures. Through-out this he kept expressing strong physical desire with me. He would initiate late night chats - and he would elaborate on his fantasies with me and would want to come over right away. I let him into my place on a few occasions (let me stress: we have never gone all the way, although he wanted too several times) - but what stumped me was that his chat was on the same context even “after” he told me about the 28 y/o. He said these were all the reason why he’s confused. Which further confused me.. He’s a sick puppy. He doesn’t know what he wants. He is willing to involve anything and anyone in his “confusion” and who cares about him and his confusion? What about YOU? What do you want? What do you think? What is good for YOU? He has been the tail wagging the dog with THREE different women. THREE. Not one, not two, but three…and to involve someone who was his student is REPREHENSIBLE. Absolutely abusing his power. This man is major ICK. MAJOR ICK. ICK!!! A few weeks later (after my return from my parents place), I asked him to come by my place and talk instead of emailing all the time (we sent each other daily emails), he started to beat around the bush - said he didn’t mind seeing me, but as “friends and nothing more”. Said he had no desire to hurt me. I asked to be direct with me - I asked him (point blank) if he was seeing someone else. His response: “I have been seeing someone and am making it work”… And he signed off. Its been over 2 months since. I think this is the only way it was going to end. You were there putting up with anything he dished out… constantly giving him what he wanted and demanding nothing in return. Nothing. It’s not that he had a desire to hurt you but he didn’t have a desire to NOT hurt you… your feelings mean nothing to him. NOTHING. BUT all the things you write about here confirms that if he is not narcissistic he is self-centered TO THE EXTREME. Everything is about him. Another point that still confuses me: Two weeks before he sent me his final email, he asked me (via IM) question, after question, about “true love” - “what is love and true love”? We had a 2hr chat session about it. He was asking me this after he knew how I felt about him. He said, he knew I was referring about my feelings about him - if we were together in the long run. I thought it was something positive from his side.. So I elaborated from my heart about what I thought - I told him there is a difference between romantic love and true love. That true love comes from helping each other during crisis and not leaving when times get tough… that true love never ends.. And 2 weeks later, it was, “i’m seeing someone and am making it work”. And that was the last I heard from him. I think you projected what all this meant. It didn’t mean anything. His actions said one thing and his words were somewhat intangible. You were looking for a needle in a haystack You were trying to school someone who cannot be schooled, someone who was calling the shots all along. In short, he probably didn’t even give a damn about this conversation. It meant something to you because you projected something onto him that probably wasn’t there. He was probably just making small talk and you were planning your future based on what you were reading “between the lines” that wasn’t there. From now on: listen to what people say and look at what they do. You seem to have been oblivious to both of these things. This isn’t really even someone who promised you the world. His behavior says he wasn’t really into it and not really that interested in it. It was a double slap in the face.. I was numb. And now the numbness has turned into sadness.. I was truly in love with this person. Why? He sounds like a dope. And someone completely incapable of treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I know that my part in it was wrong… I shouldn’t have ignored the red flags. Now I’m paying the price for waiting and wasting 2 yrs of my life, and for believing in him. How quickly he is able to find love again.. I don’t understand why he said the things he said and did the complete opposite? What still puzzles me is - why did he have to use the word, “love”.. even till the very end? He did not find love. He found another victim. Don’t puzzle over what he did, puzzle over what YOU did…how long you allowed this nonsense behavior to go on. Live and learn. Good riddance to bad rubbish. BUH BYE. The sad truth is that this person knew exactly how I felt about him. It was only a week before his IM question and answer chat about “love” that I told him (via email) that I loved him for all these years… despite everything. And when we were chatting, he told me that he knew my references and scenerios about “love” is about him. Again, the sad truth is that you were there for two years asking for nothing and letting him call the shots. Take your head out of the “love chat” and into reality. Stop being a martyr. Who cares what he knew? It doesn’t matter. He wants what he wants when he wants it. And you let him get away with that. Learn that you can do better, will do better and have to ask for things from people. This guy is a loser with a capital L. He did you a favor by moving on to another victim. He’s an esteemed professional- he has so many students and clients looking up to him, he’s gone through therapy, yet he continued to take advantage of someone who only loved him for himself. Could it have been about his image - his “public image”? It doesn’t matter. He sounds narcissistic and being in a position of power, which he abuses, makes me think even more. He’s completely out of touch. He’s a sad state of affairs. Its been a little over 2 months now (no contact since Aug) - thoughts of him and our times sometimes emerge in my mind (trying not to think). I don’t want to think about him - I’m thinking of sending an email as closure. He won’t care either way.. why would he now. He and I both reside in the hurricane affected area - he did not contact me to see if I’m okay, but does that mean I should be heartless as he..? Please help shed some of your wisdom… Do not send an email. Move along and don’t worry about him. As I said in the beginning, get a depression evaluation, get a therapist, work on your self-esteem and move on to someone a million times better. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
May 4, 2009 - 6:54am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

mothers & narcs

That's a perfect breeding ground for a Narc. His mother sounds like a Narc too. I was the black sheep - Narc mom LOATHED me - though I later realized she was jealous. Of what I will never understand. My 'little' brother was golden boy - he's got some N-ish traits but is NOT a full blown N... thank God. My mother emotionally eviscerated my Father... it was horrible. I will talk more about things she did to me. I think taking a knife to my throat was near the top of the list. My brother's child is adopted. My brother, his wife and I have always been close - until I had my kids. Then my Nmom started with the "not a real grandchild" thing. She drove a wedge between my brother and I for about 3 years. Finally I had to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my sister in law. When my mom found out she TWISTED it that my sister in law "finally told" me "off." My sister in law woke up!! She was stunned - she said "that is NOT what happened at all!" Once my sister in law realized, finally, what a nutjob my mother was - she saw what was going on. When my brother confronted her - Nmom said "She (me) put you up to this! That horrible hateful girl" -- the only one full of hate was her. My ex MIL is a psychopath. Sometimes I want to take exNH to her and say "You broke it, you bought it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 4, 2009 - 6:21am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

boo hoo

Get your children into counseling ASAP!! Ask your pediatrician for a recommendation. And put it in the divorce agreement THAT HE PAYS FOR IT. He was ALONE? Oh poor narcissist - no drama to create. Boo friggin' hoo. The girlfriend is in his "thrall" - wait until he pulls the rug out from under her too. Grow? Feh! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 3, 2009 - 6:50pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narcs & children

http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-children.html http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/NarcissistsinPrivate/narcissisticpare.html http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/09/teaching-children-to-blame-victim.html http://organizedwisdom.com/Depression_and_Children_of_Narcissists http://narcissisticparents.blogspot.com/2008/03/come-ye-children-of-narcissists.html (as the child of a Narcissist, mallory - do everything you can to MINIMIZE their exposure to this soul-less thing calling himself a 'father.' I wish someone had done that for me. Don't fall for his B.S. - it can't last)
May 3, 2009 - 10:43pm (Reply to #10)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Mother in law

Interesting articles. My mother in law definitely had the favorite child and the evil child. My H was the favorite child. A little her. He can do no wrong. What every he believes, or says is gospel. Her other son is a step child. When I met mom in law, she told me that when she first met this son she looked into his beady little eyes and new that she hated him. Golden child grew up to be my NH. Step son grew up to be an alcoholic with soft brain syndrome. No one talks to him, because even though he had been living in their house since he was three years old, he is not a "real" son.
May 3, 2009 - 6:23pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

don't worry

They can't keep it up forever Mallory. He's going to play this game of Mr. Great Dad for a while, until the divorce is final and/or the kid's aren't making him look good. Don't forget he LURED YOU into marriage by pretending to be a nice guy too!! Did THAT last? My kids are 12 now and in the last year they are REALLY starting to see through exNH. He still tries to be good Dad but they have told him to his face he's selfish and self-centered. Just keep the kids safe, see your lawyer and get tough. Full custody - and a psych eval for Mr. FAKE! or is it MR. CONFUSED? or is it MR. GREAT SEX? or is it Mr. (insert nonsense of the day here)? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 3, 2009 - 2:21pm
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for now...

...for now he's this way, do you remember a time when he was a good guy with you too? He won't be able to keep it up because of the person he is...just stick to your guns that he has not been this way in the past, his needs were always first, you & the kids were last. He's showboating, again another typical behavior because he feels he's losing control. It may be annoying, be remember, it's just an act...this too shall pass. I feel badly for the kids in all this, but one day, you can explain to them to where they will understand. I would maintain good communication for their age level and understanding, to be sure that he's not filling their head with crap. That's why supervised visits are the way to go if possible in my opinion. And as kids get older, they get smarter, and can see through these acts. For them, and the proof will be in the pudding...
May 3, 2009 - 10:12pm (Reply to #7)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Showboating

You all are right, it is a show. You should have seen him today. After spending the morning away from the house, I came back to take a nap with the baby. The other boys followed me upstairs to get in bed and cuddle. Mr. Dad was downstairs cooking a birthday dinner for my son. When I got up, he was faking a panic attack and crying. He was telling me he was crying through the whole dinner preperation, because we were all upstairs and he was alone downstairs. Then he asked if he can give me a hug, so that the kids can see us hugging. I said no. My son was acting out all day...testing everyone. I knew it was because my H was around. All I could think of was the sad ass pathetic email from the GF, telling me how we were all going to become better people and grow from all of this. Idiot. Yeah, I am really glad that because she was screwing my husband, my children have this wonderful opportunity to grow. THank you. I only hope that as the kids get older they understand the situation. They will need to understand who their father is, so that they don't internalize his behavior and think his craziness is their fault.
May 3, 2009 - 12:34pm
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Malloryforest

You are doing it for your children's sake. And you are doing the right thing. But remember that it shows who is really a person. Your ex is false, and your children will see it one day. maybe not for now. In the meantime, do something good for you, think about yourself, cuddle yourself, think of you and not to him for a change. My father told an Italian proverb "Time is a gentleman" and I believe it, I have seen this is already true. Let the time show who he is really. (((HUGS))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
May 3, 2009 - 5:37pm (Reply to #2)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Time is a Gentleman

I love this saying, Mariline. I keep hoping that this is true and that time will serve me well. It is somewhat of a victory that my children are here with me and he is either alone or with the babysitter. He has her charmed for sure right now. Of course, what else does she have to do anyway. She has no job, no kids, and her whole life ahead of her. I did feel like she was trying to steal my kids and my life. Anyway, he has sent me lots of texts today asking to see the kids tonight (unscheduled) and on Wednesday. All of sudden he wants them all the time since we have a court date coming up. Sundays are hard for me. I know that I have the kids for the next 3 weekends due to Mother's Day next weekend. That's my main priority right now, being a mother and taking care of myself, but I am really missing having a relationship at this point--adult time, adult conversation, etc.
May 3, 2009 - 6:00pm (Reply to #3)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

babysitter.....

Unfucking believable. Thank God you are away from him. REally, how mature can he Possibly be???? Oh dear, I am feeling very sympathetic for you right now. Hold your head high, stick to your guns and don't ever let this immature child make you feel badly about yourself. He doesn't Deserve You. You are much too much better than to put up with something like this. Hang In there! CM
May 3, 2009 - 7:28pm (Reply to #4)
Fawn
Fawn's picture

babysitter

Yes, this move really landed him in deep shit with our kids and with anyone who knows about the situation. The kids are completely disgusted with him and don't want to spend any time with him, our friends all now completely see that I WASN'T exaggerating and that he is a complete idiot. They have actually said that, even the men. He was telling everyone, including me, how much he loved me and that I was the "love of his life" but we were just "incompatible". Meanwhile he is screwing the babysitter, who I saw EVERY DAY at work. That is, until I spoke to my Principal about it and she fired her the next day. So, there is some retribution. I don't have to see her every day any more, and she isn't taking care of my five-year-old. I don't understand what she is getting out of this situation--old skinny, grouchy man, tiny penis, bad temper, no money, crappy apartment, drives a 94 Toyota Camry. She actually pursued him, I found the notes that she put in MY CHILD"S BACKPACK for him to read. He left them out for anyone to read when we moved into this house where he had been living. He also left her nightgown for me to find. I was devastated, I mean, I knew he was sleeping around, because he left a condom wrapper out on the couch for my 14-year-old to find back in January. I just couldn't believe it was her, someone I trusted, someone I trusted with our kids. It really made me sick. It is unbelievable! After every thing else, I really didn't think that he could sink any lower, but he did. He actually dragged my five-year=old around one weekend with her. He didn't have a place to live for a couple of months and was couch-surfing--with 3 kids and the babysitter. I guess that they think that is exciting. My older kids spent the night with friends, but he and the babysitter and my daughter stayed with one of her friends. She was so confused when she came home. I am still doing damage control. I filed contempt charges against him the following Monday. We don't have a court date yet. I wish that I could just be through with him. We aren't divorced, but legally separated. All that is left is to file, all finances are separate, I have custody and child support. He won't leave me alone. I only answer texts about visitation but he tries to drag that out as much as possible. I think he gets some kind of charge out of texting me while he's with her.
May 3, 2009 - 10:29pm (Reply to #5)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

Sicko and passive aggressive

He put notes in his children's backpack? Great fathering skills. Leaves the nightgown out for you to find. Spineless freak. Mine left a love card from her to him out for me to see. What the hell is her problem? What sick ego boost is she getting from this? I don't understand these other women. Don't they realize that they are in for the same bull! I know, they think they are special. They think this is real love. We wives are horrible, and they just know how to please these men. I use to tell my husband that his GF is studying everything he is telling her. If I am angry, well then she will never be angry. If I am not supportive, well then she will always be supportive. I don't laugh at his cruel jokes, then she will always laugh at the caustic jokes, even the ones pointed right at her. Stupid thing about these women is they set themselves up. Now, she can't ever get angry, or unsupportive, or hurt, because if she does...she'll be like that terrible wife. ANd I guess eventually, he will just have to leave her for those same reasons. My ex H told me tonight that she will now have custody of her children every other week, because her husband is drinking again, and therefore can't handle her children full time. Ex H told her that the kids can't move into his house, so she is living with her MOTHER on the weeks she has her kids, and is living with my H on the weeks that she doesn't. Wake up call GF. Any good mom would drop a man who wasn't embracing their children. Not my H's GF. She still thinks it's true love. I can only imagine the crap he is feeding her. Can't wait till her mother says, honey I just don't understand. If this is true love, why are you only living with him when you don't have the kids???? I am glad that the babysitter was fired from her job. Both her and him deserve each other. Sounds like a perfectly pathetic match. I think they do get some sort of charge out of it all. IT is a sick ego boost. THey love it. Look, they say to themselves, I have control over two women. Future...in two years, you will have totally moved on. You will have the love and respect of your kids, and will meet a different kind of man. One who respects you and your children. Where will they be...either still together clutching onto thier pathetic relationship, alone, or in another sad relationship, without the respect of their family. Best revenge is to lead a happy, positive life without them.