Took a stand - scared as hell

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#1 Apr 30 - 7PM

malloryforest

Took a stand - scared as hell

I have not contacted my ex in two days. The emails are getting more frantic, the less I reply. I only sent one each morning stating the kids were fine. Sent this one email daily so that he can't say in court that I am keeping him disconnected from children.

Finally sent one that explained that I needed him to respect my distance, that I am trying to put as much space between him and I without hindering his connection to his kids.

Sent email back stating he is so depressed but needs to keep girlfriend in his life, because without her he is afraid he would fall into an insurmountable depression. He just doesn't know what to do.

Have not responded. No interest in responding. Just think he is pathetic. Will never understand how a husband and father can discard his family the way that he did....

He is coming this weekend to see kids. I have planned to stay away, except at nights when I am back in the house with the children and he is at a hotel. He wanted to celebrate our sons first birthday together , but I can't even look husband in the face. Why would I want to celebrate our sons birthday with the man who was having an affair while I was delivering my child.

Have to keep strong this weekend. So easy to buy his BS and put up with the "poor me, I am such a victim stories."

Thank you for listening to my rant. Any support would be greatly appreciated.

#2 May 2 - 12AM

Barbara (not verified)

Mallory

Maybe you can send this to the new girlfriend: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml Some of these guys only see women as "parts" to be used. I call it "a blow up doll with a pulse" Once you're out of the picture - my guess is about 2 years before he finds another woman to lure into his non-stop drama. PUKE!

#3 May 1 - 9PM

Barbara (not verified)

Ladies it's time for....

What he said What he REALLY meant

#4 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

Barbara (not verified)

(sorry - my computer burped...)

What he said: I think that this is not the right way to go Ya know, I realized something today. I am totally overwhelmed. I am fraying like an old rope, and this is not good. What he REALLY meant: I don't want you to develop a spine! How dare you! Guilt worked before so it will work again. I want YOU to be totally overwhelmed. I want YOU to fray like an old rope. This is not good - FOR ME. I am going to badger you until you speak to me. Mallory - Monday morning - first order of business. Call a few divorce attorneys and make appts (FREE CONSULTS ONLY) with at least 3. Call yours and make an appt and tell them - "we either do this my way or I am taking my business elsewhere. My STBX is a predator and I suspect he has a personality disorder. I need someone who will fight for me." If your attorney minimizes, says this or that won't happen - LEAVE. Go to the 3 other consults ASAP and find a fighter. Someone with teeth. Save all texts, IMs, emails and keep a file. DO NOT RESPOND. When he comes this weekend do NOT, I repeat, do NOT engage in conversation. Example: him: "you're a real bitch, not giving me a chance - I am so confused." you: "Make sure you have (kids' names) back by (time decided on) I will talk to you later." him: "why won't you talk to me?" you: "any conversation you have with me must go through my attorney. here's his/ her number." him: "this isn't right. I still love you." you: "any conversation you have with me must go through my attorney. here's his/ her number." him: "I want to be a father to my kids." you: "any conversation you have with me must go through my attorney. here's his/ her number." THEN START WALKING AND KEEP WALKING. Your answer that has NOTHING to do with children & logistics is: you: "any conversation you have with me must go through my attorney. here's his/ her number." You need to answer him like a robot - NO REACTION. NOTHING. It will be hard at first but if you pay attention as he becomes more desperate. DO NOT LET HIM TOUCH YOU or BLOCK THE DOOR or you will call 911. Right? Have cell phone in hand. Any abusive texts or calls he leaves for you? DO NOT RESPOND. He lives off your reactions - good or bad. Whatever he's trying to convince you is going on with his "inner turmoil" is a complete bunch of bullshit designed to keep you and your vulenerable children enmeshed in his UNACCEPTABLE DRAMA. Game Over!

#5 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

quietude (not verified)

Said vs. Means

A 'fun' reminder of what wackos we are dealing with... The latest contribution from my exN: (paraphrasing) WHS: Please talk to me, I worry about you and how you are, I know we can work it all out...this isn't you...I love and miss you so much. WHM: You are STRANGLING my supply!! Helllllp! (gasping for air sound...) If I don't get another sucker to lay all my BS on soon, I will surely die! I need a victim NOW! You've taken me back before, and I know I'm too irresistible for you to really want to ignore me. Who is putting you up to this, hmmmmm?? Because you sure as HELL can't think for yourself - you need me for that! Just ANSWER ME ONCE so I can reel you in again, you stubborn twit!

#6 May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

malloryforest

said versus means

Totally. That is what he is saying. Mine would be saying the exact same thing, but instead of you stubborn twit, min would say...you stubborn twat!

#7 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

malloryforest

Barbara

So right. Game over. He is fraying, but wants me to fray. He loves this drama. He loves having two womenn worrying about who he is going to be with. What an ego boost to this sick man. He loves being in this position. Again, game over. Before, so much of me played into this game, because I didn't want to be left, and I didn't want her to win...but win what? A sicko man who will eventually hurt every women he has been with??? I don't want the prize anymore.

#8 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #20)

Barbara (not verified)

write the girlfriend a note

thanking her for taking this sick piece of dung off your hands. what a relief! Now you can find your OWN life. Your own way. I wouldn't take him back. A vibrator has more compassion & humanity. ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#9 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #21)

quietude (not verified)

note

Classic...LMAO!

#10 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

malloryforest

????

What is What he Said, What he really meant?

#11 May 1 - 8PM

Lisa E. Scott

Mallory

Congratulations to you for being so strong. Keep it up. You don't owe this man a thing. Do not respond to him. I can't believe he's telling you he's depressed, but needs to keep his girlfriend so he doesn't fall further into depression. What a pathetic man. The fact that he had an affair while you were carrying his child makes me sick to my stomach. He doesn't even deserve to be called a man. He's a pathetic piece of slime. Stay strong and stay away from him! xoxo, L

#12 May 1 - 8PM

cassiemay

Keep you stand!

Good for you girl! This line is priceless: "he just can't leave the g/f because....." Hmmm...guess that shows where his priority is. Too bad he didn't think of that before he pulled his you-know-what out in the first place. Hang in there and be tough. You're doing the right thing and I'm sure thinking about him being with her while you were pregnant and/or (even worse) giving birth! CM

#13 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

Barbara (not verified)

his priority

This line is priceless: "he just can't leave the g/f because....." Hmmm...guess that shows where his priority is. Too bad he didn't think of that before he pulled his you-know-what out in the first place. ... is between his legs. Period. Remember that short homemade porn video Psycho-Boy made that another of his girlfriend's posted to the net that I linked? Know how he explained it to his wife? paraphrasing here: "these women all know I am a published writer and they get online and taunt me sexually. I just couldn't take the temptation anymore. It's them not me. These women taunt me sexually! They prey on me. Barbara is a predator! She got her friends to come on to me too!" Oh and the hooker reviews? I made those up and planted them... 3 years before up until during our emotional affair - and somehow manipulated a website, dates and the time-space continuum. Priority - THEMSELVES. We merely orbit around them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/

#14 Apr 30 - 8PM

Fawn

Scared

Hi mallory, it is scary to stand up for yourself, especially when the narcissist expects you to back down and comfort him. True, he doesn't know what he is doing. But he already did something completely cruel, thoughtless and immature. That isn't your problem. Do not respond. Move on with your own life. Don't do the birthday thing together. I tried and it was a disaster. He tried to stick me with the bill, he yelled at me at the restaurant. It was awful. Leave during the day and find places to go. Plan things for yourself to do, things that are mindless and take a long time. Go see a movie. Go to the library. Go for a walk. Go get a haircut or a mani/pedi. Meet a friend for coffee or lunch. Try to get a break. It will help you.

#15 Apr 30 - 7PM

Barbara (not verified)

GOOD FOR YOU!!

print these out TAKE THEM TO YOUR LAWYER ASAP!! Do NOT spend the Birthday with him. I would do a celebration with your child either before or after. You have PTSD - you shouldn't even be in the same BUILDING with him. Do not cave. A BIG FAT NO. He's not respecting your boundaries and has no intention to. What a sick sick sick thing he is.

#16 May 1 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

startnew (not verified)

Stick with it!

Good job, Mallory! This is so hard, but you are doing a wonderful job. Stick with your decision about the birthday and keep busy during the day. It sounds like you know everything that you should/shouldn't do... And please vent as much as you need to---that's what we are hear for! Best of luck!

#17 May 1 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Mariline

Well done girl

Congratulations for your strength. it will pay off. You will get back your dignity and strength and pride. Keep your chin on! (((((HUGS))) Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)

#18 May 1 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

malloryforest

Thank you

I want to say thank you for everyone's support. He comes tomorrow afternoon and is leaving monday evening. I have set up a schedule so that there are no arguments in front of the children. He asked to talk, but I declined by telling him no thank you. I didn't feel there was anything for the two of us to discuss, unless it was something about the children. Got a text from him...went like this... I understand that it may be inappropriate. (Him asking to work on our marriage while continuing his affair with girlfriend) I am just lost in the middle of heart, brain, reality and desire. I feel very incapable of making decisions that are remotely right. My response..Don't agonize in your confusion any longer. I don't want you back. I don't want a husband who can't love and respect his wife and family enough to give up his girlfriend. Once again, please do not contact me unless it is an issue with children. I would like as much space between you and I as possible without hindering your communication with children. His response...I think that this is not the right way to go Ya know, I realized something today. I am totally overwhelmed. I am fraying like an old rope, and this is not good. He makes my skin crawl. Need to stay strong when he is in town. He is counting on finding time to talk to me. Will not talk to him. Don't need to be dragged down into this same pile of BS.

#19 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #5)

quietude (not verified)

holy cow

Mallory, all I can say is WOW! I think you took the term EMPOWERMENT to a whole new level...damn, girl! Good for you - keep it up! :))

#20 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

Fawn

Wow!

Great job Mallory! You have taken a stand. He sounds pathetic. Don't give into to his plea for understanding. He doesn't deserve it. Have a great weekend!

#21 May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

malloryforest

To All

Thank s to all. I wish I met you women eleven months ago when the rug got pulled out from under me. I would have taken a stand so much earlier, and saved the kids and I so much grief, by leaving right away. It is amazing what I did and put up with while in the FOG. Last summer, after I found about his affair, I was determined to make the marriage wok. A month after this decision, I was feeling pretty confident in my approach. We took the whole family on a vacation. I remember thinking to my self...Yeah. You made the right decision. Affair over, family intact. Move forward and learn from experience. Make that marriage stronger! The entire vacation he was on his iphone. It bothered me, but I thought it was all about work. Half way through the trip, I borrow his iphone. While on it, a message popped up from her. "My twat is shaved for you. Can't wait till Sunday. Served husband papers." Needless to say, I immediately went into the trash bin to find over 50 emails between the two of them. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he was having dinner with me and the children telling us how much he loves us, and at the same moment was texting and email his GF to set up their next meeting. When I confronted him...he told me I was overreacting, and that we should continue our vacation. He refused to leave the hotel!!! I had to pack up the bags and car by myself, while trying to hold it all together in front of the kids, while he went back to the beach to get a tan. When he got back from the beach, he started to demand that we eat dinner before getting back in the car to travel back home because of his blood sugar!!!! He didn't get dinner that night. I don't even remember the drive home. When we got back to the house, he told me that it was my anger that was driving him into the arms of another woman. I had no right to be angry. She was not angry. I was so messed up, that I felt guilty about being angry. I felt guilty about being angry when she slept over in my house in my bed, when I found his viagra, when he flaunted the password on his iphone and blackberry, when he told me I used him for his sperm, when he told me that he lost respect for me when I gave up my career because we kept moving to a new state every two years to follow his career and because we had three children. I felt guilty about being angry when I found out he bought her an iphone with our money so that he could communicate to her behind my back. I feel guilty about asking for a life insurance policy and setting up college funds for our kids, I feel guilty about being angry when he comes home from work, takes a shower and gets dressed up infront of me to go a date with his GF.... This is how twisted it is and how twisted it becomes. I actually would listen to him explain to me how he needed me to prove I was worth coming back to the marriage, before he would give up the GF. This is the list I got on what I needed to work on...I need to laugh at his jokes (usually attacks and not jokes), Needed to be more supportive, needed to let him smoke pot even though he is a recovered alcoholic (she gets the pot for him), needed to fuck instead of make love (like she does). She makes him feel alive, where with me he feels dead. I was just an angry bitch, and she was great sex...SEX, SEX, SEX, and was just like him. Yes she is just like him. They took personality tests at work, and theres came out just the same. He kept on asking me to take the same personality test. I declined. Anyway, I bought into all the BS, and today is the first day in elevn months where I feel like I have just a little self respect. It is the first time, I am not trying to win him back. Thank you to all.

#22 May 4 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Lisa E. Scott

Mallory

Wow, I'm not surprised that he told you that you needed to prove you were worth coming back to before he would give up the GF, but OMG! The nerve! Nothing we do for them will ever be enough. In the beginning, they love the newness of it, but eventually they feel tied down and resentful. They have a Madonna Whore complex and are not interested in being with anyone sexually as an expression of intimacy or love. No, they separate sex and love completely. To them, the only thing that turns them on is someone new or someone they know they shouldn't be with. It's really sad and you're right, his GF believes she is special and she "gets him," but that's how it always begins with a narcissist. Unfortunately, she will learn the truth eventually. His true colors will emerge. Be glad you are rid of this man. He is toxic and sick. You are so much better off without him. I'm glad you are starting to realize this. There are men out there capable of real love and that's what you deserve. Stay strong!

#23 May 2 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

Fawn

Mallory

What a complete jackass! He really had you so mixed up. Guilt is supposed to help us feel bad when we do something wrong. It sounds like he had you feeling some shame too, which is very destructive and crippling. It is also very linked to narcissism. It does take awhile for the fog to lift. I think that it is really difficult to explain to people who don't get that he is a pathological narcissist. You start feeling like people wouldn't even believe you anyway because the hurtful and crazy things that narcissist do are so over the top. We are not dealing with normal people here. This is not a normal divorce, separation, child custody situation, whatever. You never get a real, sincere apology from a narcissist. They ALWAYS twist it around to make it your fault somehow. Their behavior may change for a few hours or days, until they get what they want. They cant stand true intimacy because then we might discover the hollow core that is inside them. The complete lack of substance, depth, and integrity. There is nothing there! Good for you for moving on. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes that is all you can do, soon you will be looking over your shoulder at the bad situation you left behind and the pathetic hologram of a human being who caused you so much pain. You will feel a new sense of peace and calm in your life, created by YOU.

#24 May 1 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

quietude (not verified)

self respect

Mallory, you have quite a story. Have you noticed a common pattern with womens' stories who have had the unfortunate circumstance to have been with narcissists? That is one thing that simply amazes me. It's the same script, with different characters and circumstances. But how we end up feeling is virtually the same. The manipulation is so intense, that most of us don't even know what's going on until we are deeply committed to these people. We all have times when we can't believe what we 'fell for', what you believed about them, and even worse...what he had you believing about yourself. But don't ever get angry at yourself, get angry at the source of it all, HIM. And you have done that, and used it to help you think a little more clearly, and to start making decisions based on what YOU want, and what you think is right. I can only speak for myself, but once you get on a roll...it really picks up momentum. This man who I was really in love with just a few months ago I now look at as the person who was supposed to love me back, but instead caused me a lot of misery. Mostly what I feel for him is just sadness -- that he is what he is, and there is no way he is able ever have a normal life. But I can, and I think I'm more grateful for that simple thought than I have ever been because of this experience.

#25 May 1 - 11PM (Reply to #9)

malloryforest

Quietude

It is true. I am grateful that we can have a normal, positive life. And, it is very sad to have been in love with someone who has caused tremendous pain and will continue to cause tremendous pain to others. They will never have the true beauty of life. It is astounding how the stories are all so much alike, and the women all end up feeling the same. I can just imagine how my husbands girlfriend is buying into all of his BS. She is thinking she is special, their love is true, things are going to be different with her. She gets him. She understands him. It is everything I felt, and our relationship didn't even start with an affair. But, in time, if she can't see the truth, she will have her wake up call when all of a sudden she can't do anything right, she is angry and non-supportive, and doesn't want to have sex, etc. She too will feel exhausted, used, and eventually discarded. We all start out as the "true love." Learning a lot, and hope to also have a happy, normal life.

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