A must read

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#1 April 25, 2009 - 1:15pm
Mariline's picture

A must read

Maybe you already know this, but it is precious. It is a review written on the blog "Narcissists suck"

Invaluable things I've learned here:

I found your blog when I was searching for info on dealing with trouble I was having with some people in my life. At the time, I thought I knew pretty much about N's (I had a 'classic' NM [narcissist mother], and N-ex [narcissist ex-spouse], I had already read many books on the topic). The only problem, I thought N's were pretty rare. That was the impression I had gotten.

The big picture really eluded me until I came here. For instance, it NEVER occurred to me that there might be more N's in my FOO [family of origin], despite my difficulty with them, or amongst the people I had thought of as "difficult" friends, past and present. Or, why, as an acon [adult child of a narcissist], I might have had so many "difficult" friends in the first place! Nothing I read in other places gave me quite the understanding about how N's are attracted to "primed" victims, and how they carefully avoid people raised with healthy boundaries. They do not randomly strike. And I had no idea that they often occur in multiples in families, over generations, centered around each generation's designated supply/human sacrifices.

I began to understand how I had been thoroughly and unwittingly trained to act in a way that made me basically the "perfect friend" to the personality disordered. This gave me a new lens through which to view many events and incidents from the past which had long puzzled me and that I had often replayed again and again in mind with no resolution. Now, they made "sense". I always wondered why some friendships I had were so "easy"! Now I knew those were simply the friendships I had with normal people. What seemed to be as "easy" or unusually "low maintenance", was actually JUST NORMAL. THAT IS ALL. Long accustomed to around-the-clock drama from others, I had no idea.

And importantly, how UNCANNILY SIMILAR experiences with N's really were, down to the most bizarre sounding incidents! (bathroom barging N's anyone?) The baffling and powerful N's became demystified. Now I see them as fear-driven caricatures, all with pretty much the same bags of tricks. Same shit, different smell. I am no longer impressed.

Your blog also put into perspective the many "frieNdships" that I had had in the past that I had long felt confused guilt and shame over ending. The more the puzzle pieces fell into place, I realized I had indeed been cutting out N's who had been attracted to me mainly as pre-trained NS [narcissist supply]. Thank you, no more guilt or confusion over having had been able to make healthy decisions about parasitical people in my life.

Another thing that helped tremendously has been being able to make the clear distinction between an "enabler" and a deceived victim. Boy was I sick of books that quietly (or not) suggested there was something wrong with ME (i.e. "co-dependent") simply because I was once brainwashed into going through life experiencing N ABUSE AS NORMAL. Others calling us co-dependant is wrong and insulting. Believe me, the moment I knew what was what - I ESCAPED TOO! I was just one of many people trapped by the lies of N's who simply need nothing more then CLEAR INFORMATION to order make the choice to leave! That is NOT "co-dependent", that is a hostage trapped by lies. Thank you for putting clear no-nonsense info out for the public.

I have appreciated and respected perhaps most of all your unswerving "take no prisoners" stance, as well as your unstinting use of the taboo word "evil", due to the premeditation, strategizing, and post-abuse covering up that N's do. Thank you. Whenever I felt re-swayed by the lure of the N koolaid, and the very natural desire to want it all to be some kind of bad dream I could wake up from, I could get a REAL wake up call here. The kind of wake up I really needed:

Covert MN [malignant narcissist] abuse is NOT a bad dream, it is real. But we CAN "wake up" from it, but only in one way: by seeing it for what it REALLY is, and seeing them for who they really are. Not appealing, not easy, and most certainly not what "they" want. It is the hard road. The bad dream we lived is THEIR world of lies, but we have the option to wake up to OUR OWN TRUTH: the world of truth inside us that can never be destroyed by others, only obscured. It is awakened by outside knowledge.

Thank you Anna, for more then I can write here. For passing on your truth, so we could wake ourselves up out of this nightmare into the world of our own possibility. Knowledge is truly power, and knowledge strips the power from deceivers.

And a thank you to all the amazing commenters! I have never ceased being amazed by the uncanny similarities, it proves the N's are not the unique people they think... It has helped me so much in so many ways.

Good luck to you Anna, and everyone else here too!


Another Anonymous

April 26, 2009 - 8:29pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

toddlers do grow up

... but Narcs don't: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/six.html
April 26, 2009 - 4:47am
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they're everywhere...

N's are everywhere it seems...look over your shoulder, people you know, family members, etc...not everyone has full fledged npd but people who are controlling in a narcissistic pattern, abusive, etc...so many people are the creation of dysfunctional abuse or abusive families/childhoods that they possess these character or p traits...it seems the best way to deal with an N is keep your distance, consider limited contact, understand their disorder and how they function, and act accordingly...they are very complex and difficult to deal with, but also so weak, and so easily manipulated or controlled by the very people they try to control...they awlays want that power or control are negative unhappy within themselves... they seek to control others because they cant control themselves or their own lives...or aspects in their life.. they are patterned and work within patterns, but easy to spot and figure out...when they have you in their clutches, they dont want to let go of that power, but the victim really has the ultimate power... and even over the narcissist and that's somoething that's hard to understand when you have become trapped as a victim of an N...the victim also has much more power over the N than they have over the victim...emotionally distancing yourself from an N is really important too no matter how hard it is...empathetic caring people can't be tied to N's because N's are the antithesis of that... it's important to stay emotionally distant and regain your sense of self, self worth, morals values etc.. before the N strips you of those things that are so dear to you....its never you with the N.. The N is always projecting their own flaws and issues Onto others or their partners or those closest to them.. They use any flaws you have or don’t have against you And to further malign you…they are very proficient At manipulation and it is not difficult to manipulate… Especially the nice or naïve people…as they think that’s Weakness… They go for the kind trusting people Those are the people who they can easily manipulate Lie to deceive etc and use…most psychopaths in today's society associate kindness with weakness and those who aren't angry mean bitter people like themselves the soft caring people are the ones people try to take advantage of...they use that kindness against the victim...and that's the hardest part because for the nicest..it si the hardest to grasp.. that utter evil...and it makes it even more worth doing...for the psychopath..to witness the shock etc..they also exaggerate Any real or fake flaws…issues problems… N’s are very dependent screwed up, needy And heavily fearful of abandonment…but they Aren’t scared of creating their own abandonment Because they know eventually it will happen Since they are so disordered….its important to Look at the N as an alien creature rather than Someone you love…because…that’s what they are… when they lure people in they form that connection so it makes you feel this closeness, this tie.. that makes it harder for you to accept all the terrible things they're doing to you...don't let the n form those ties with you...or sever them as much as you can in order to avoid serious mental abuse...
April 25, 2009 - 2:02pm
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Amazing article

Thank you for an amazing article.I have made notes from this one to keep by me when I feel guilty and the days when I still have the nagging doubt, 'Was I right about him' or was it really me as he always insisted it was! Just being reminded about the bathroom barging is enough to know I did the right thing! Even that took many forms. He needed (in his words) a piss or a crap just as I got in the bath or got my hair dye on. I got wise to this so I'd say, 'I'm going for a bath and and overhaul and I expect to be about an hour, do you need the toilet before I go in there?' Result: 'he'd bring me a glass of wine or a cup of tea, or offer to wash my back'. In a normal relationship that would have been lovely, with him it was creepy. Worse was when he'd come in just as I got out and offer to put body lotion on my back, then he'd start fondling me and tell me it was my fault: I was so sexy he couldn't resist me. I just wanted an hour to myself! It makes my flesh crawl to think about it, because he crossed my boundaries in every way.
April 26, 2009 - 1:09am (Reply to #2)
Mariline's picture

Yes, this thing of the

Yes, this thing of the bathroom is so amazingly COMMON among them! They are ALL the same, it is really creepy. And about me.......in this thing of the bathroom I was completely clear. No way! He tried everything. Calling from outside. Hiding behind the door. Spying from the hole of the door. Everything! He was so annoyed I always told him : no, you cannot enter here. He said : this is MY stuff, I have every right to see it. My stuff? OMG! Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
April 26, 2009 - 2:50am (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

This is really amazing. As

This is really amazing. As soon as I read the bathroom barging comment my eyes widened. And reading your comments Mariline, it reminded me of a toddler! Because they go through that stage where you can't even go to the bathroom without them! Of course, most toddlers grow up. ;P My husband just likes to take a crap if I want to take a bath. More efficient. Then he doesn't even have to stick around...his "presence" is still there.
April 26, 2009 - 8:18pm (Reply to #6)
startnew (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh My Gosh!!!!

I am so glad (in a very weird way) that I saw this stuff about the bathroom...I thought I was crazy...guess that's still his voice in my head! Thanks everyone!
April 26, 2009 - 2:30am (Reply to #3)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture


The problem for me at that time was my claustrophobia. I could not lock the door, I was scared of getting locked in. Of course he used this to his advantage. I wrote a poem before I left him about what being in the shower or bath would be like once I lived on my own. Even now five years on I allow that feeling of freedom to run over me in the shower every day! At least that is a plus side of abuse. Such small things give me pleasure! Until I read your posting I thought the bathroom thing was just about me and my ex. I had no idea it was common, even though I worked in DV services. Thank you for sharing.
April 26, 2009 - 1:48pm (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh god yes

Ns violate boundaries as much as possible. It's a form of control. And they punish you for keeping them. For my exNH it was every single time I planned a day shopping trip (when I was working) with my g'friends. He'd comment and say "Have a great day WITHOUT ME!" just as I was walking out the door. It got so common that my g'friends would flip him off as we were all headed out the door. Then it was every time I went to Shabbos Services or a Concert w/out him and with a girl friend - same thing. Some comment like "Going to LEAVE ME ALONE again?" Once I had the kids it was "Have a good time WITHOUT YOUR FAMILY" if I wanted just an hour to myself! But HE HAS LOADS OF THINGS TO DO ALONE AND BY HIMSELF. And no one was allowed to interfere or say a word!! Now he's alone all the time - so he can stuff it. My NarcMother was a great one for barging into the bathroom and then making some snide or nasty comment about my body. My whole teenage-hood she spent telling me I smelled bad - funny this is, she was the only one who EVER told me that and it was specifically to hurt me! Even my doctors tell me despite my weight - I am impeccably clean & groomed always. a good read: http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/10/boundaries-you-them-pathological.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/