Wondering.......
Wondering.......
Dear girls,
I am fighting with abit of sadness today.
Oh yes, the big pain is gone, it is a long time. And I know for sure it will never return. But I am just wondering.....
I have just talked with a my colleaugue-friend. She ended a story with her ex about a couple of months ago. She is now with another man. She seems so happy. I am so happy for her.
And I start wondering if there is something wrong in me.
Eights months, and I do not want to see anyone else. I am quite happy in the quietness of my home, with my child and my cat, facing everyday problems. I have so many things to take care of: my child.....my job....economic troubles...and else....
But something inside suggests this happen because I deserve to be alone. I am not worth.
I had a painful separation from my ex husband after 16 yrs of marriage and two childre, the youngest who was 2 yrs old at the time. My Narc ex knew it, I told him everything about that. My older daughter has chosen to remain with her dad, she had the legal age in order to decide and I could do nothing about it.It was such a pain for me, such a loss, a failure as a mother. And my ex narc knew it. Now she is grown up and we have improved our relationship, even if she is still so angry with me for separating from her father. And he knew it.
It was the post of Ruby about shame which made me think about it. Ruby feels shame for having been discarded, something she should not absolutely feel shame about.......we all know about it.
On the contrary I feel shame on myself. My ex Narc after he knew I had reported him kept sending me text messages stating what a terrible person I was, and how he had been lucky to escape from me, that everyone knew how bad I was and that even my daughter had rejected me.
That was right and true. It was like a stab of a knife right in my heart.
So now I think that after all, I am not alone because I have chosen it. But because ex narc was right. I deserve nothing. I have no value. Evene my daughter thinks this of me after all. Or she would have stayed with me.
Then I try to rationalize. I think that my child literally adores me. That my daughter was a teenager and I was quite strict as a parent while my ex husband let her totally free-and this is the reason why she left the school. Luckily now she is studying again-after more than four years. I rationalize, but......
....my sadness does not go away.
was the Narc right?
Mariline
Dear fairy wings, may God
The Shame is NOT YOURS
Mariline
And I am also facing
Mariline
Lisa
Mariline
Mariline
police