Wondering.......

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#1 Apr 22 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Wondering.......

Dear girls,

I am fighting with abit of sadness today.
Oh yes, the big pain is gone, it is a long time. And I know for sure it will never return. But I am just wondering.....
I have just talked with a my colleaugue-friend. She ended a story with her ex about a couple of months ago. She is now with another man. She seems so happy. I am so happy for her.
And I start wondering if there is something wrong in me.
Eights months, and I do not want to see anyone else. I am quite happy in the quietness of my home, with my child and my cat, facing everyday problems. I have so many things to take care of: my child.....my job....economic troubles...and else....
But something inside suggests this happen because I deserve to be alone. I am not worth.
I had a painful separation from my ex husband after 16 yrs of marriage and two childre, the youngest who was 2 yrs old at the time. My Narc ex knew it, I told him everything about that. My older daughter has chosen to remain with her dad, she had the legal age in order to decide and I could do nothing about it.It was such a pain for me, such a loss, a failure as a mother. And my ex narc knew it. Now she is grown up and we have improved our relationship, even if she is still so angry with me for separating from her father. And he knew it.

It was the post of Ruby about shame which made me think about it. Ruby feels shame for having been discarded, something she should not absolutely feel shame about.......we all know about it.
On the contrary I feel shame on myself. My ex Narc after he knew I had reported him kept sending me text messages stating what a terrible person I was, and how he had been lucky to escape from me, that everyone knew how bad I was and that even my daughter had rejected me.

That was right and true. It was like a stab of a knife right in my heart.

So now I think that after all, I am not alone because I have chosen it. But because ex narc was right. I deserve nothing. I have no value. Evene my daughter thinks this of me after all. Or she would have stayed with me.

Then I try to rationalize. I think that my child literally adores me. That my daughter was a teenager and I was quite strict as a parent while my ex husband let her totally free-and this is the reason why she left the school. Luckily now she is studying again-after more than four years. I rationalize, but......

....my sadness does not go away.

was the Narc right?

Apr 22 - 1PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Mariline

I read your posting and I wanted to reply because I know only too well this feeling of uncertainty, of wondering if it was all you, or in your head, after all. I have some similar experiences. After my divorce my daughter went to live with her dad and his new wife. She went for practical reasons, as he lived much nearer her school. Staying with me meant she had a twenty mile bus ride to school each day. She also went to live with him because he had five step children and was struggling to pay me maintenance for her. He and I were amicable, however when I met my abusive partner he twisted all the facts. He said it was wierd I was friends with my ex husband, particulalrly as he had left me for the woman he was then married to, and even odder that I liked his wife! He told me it was unhealthy, he told me they had brainwashed me so they didn't have to give me any maintenance and he even got me believing this at one point. He used to try and incite hatred by saying, 'don't you feel angry she calls her step mum, mum as well as you.' In truth, I didn't. I was happy for my daughter that she got on with her step mum and all of her step brothers and sisters. It was a bonus that I also liked my husband's new partner, but with the lies and manipulations the 'real abuser' was throwing at me I began to doubt what the truth was, and when he was angry he'd say things similar to your partner such as, 'even your own daughter chose to leave you'. Things he said to taunt me still echo in my head from time to time, however I think Barbara says it all in her posting. A friend of mine said to me recently, 'really everything he ever said to you was a lie'; and it was. I could never make sense of anything because that was the last thing he wanted. What he really feared was intimacy, he couldn't have me close. He said this was what he wanted, then did everything to stop that happening, however in the process made out it was me and said it was my behaviour that was preventing this. Such cruelty! I've recently read the term 'emotional rape' and that is what it was. His only aim in life was to get his own needs met and he would do whatever he had to do to ensure this outcome. He changed his story, his needs, his wants and desires daily, he changed facts, he lied, he distorted the truth, he manipulated me and others around us, he used projection, he transference, and he rationalised events to support the outcome he wanted. He managed to confuse me and change my perception of reality, but only up to a point and only for so long. When I forced myself to be the way I was before we met, his games were easier to spot. When I listened to him I heard the clues to what he was really up to and eventually that gave me the strength to leave. You obviously have this strength too. There is nothing wrong with being on your own, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be with another partner, there is nothing wrong with finding the strength to nurture yourself and build upon other relationships in your life. What I have realised is this: it is not hard for abusive people to grind us down and make us feel bad about ourselves. We trusted them with facts about our lives that they then used against us. That in itself is an abuse of power, that is an abuse of the trust we put in them and the relationship. In each and every one of us there is good and bad and there is a positive and negative in every situation. Put like this it becomes easier to see how they get us to believe we are bad. I could say to myself I'm negative and there would be some truth in this because in some situations and on certain days I can be negative. I could also say I'm impatient because in some situations I am, however the flip side of these qualities is also true: I am positive and I am patient. If you have been ground down and you lack self confidence and self esteem the negative labels stick more readily. Next time you hear the negative voice in your head doubting yourself or your abilities, ask yourself whose voice it is and replace it with your own more positive voice. Try asking a trusted friend how they truly see you or better still ask your higher self not the one he trampled on!
Apr 24 - 4AM (Reply to #10)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Dear fairy wings, may God

Dear fairy wings, may God bless you for your post. Thank you very much. I have no other words in this moment, but believe me.........you have helped me a whole lot. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Apr 22 - 11AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Shame is NOT YOURS

They are NEVER right. NEVER. They sometimes wrap a bit of truth around their toxic lies but they are NEVER EVER RIGHT! They plant these verbal "sleeper bombs" in your head that goes off weeks - months - years later. Do NOT ALLOW THIS Cretin to take up free rent in your head and give you doubt. They control via FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and it's b.s. Everything they say is upside down, backwards or inside out. How do you know when a Narc is lying? WHEN HIS LIPS ARE MOVING. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Apr 22 - 11AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. Narcs are good at devaluing us, making us dependent on them, and actually saying things like 'nobody will ever love you as much as me, or do as much for you'. It's no wonder with all that, and the criticisms, that we THINK we deserve lonliness and lose a lot of self-worth. Try to remember they do a huge number on us. He was NOT right, please don't listen to that inner voice that you still have because it's not your voice, it's HIS. Their desctruction still lingers long after they're gone. It takes time to deprogram from it all. I don't know the situation with your daughter, but I'm sure she really loves her mom, and just has been influenced by him as well. It's hard when they're teens to really relate to them, but as she matures, it may open her eyes to the reality of it all. When you feel ready to form new relationships, that's when it's a good time to form new relationships...! =)
Apr 22 - 2AM
Mariline
Mariline's picture

And I am also facing

And I am also facing anger.....why the police is taking so much time in order to do something? And why there are all these love songs going around everywhere-oh I would stop them all today. I cannot face them Not today. It seems all such a big lie. Life itself seems a big lie today. I know perfectly this is a mood of today. It will last a bit and then it will fade away. But I am so angry and sad.....the same. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Apr 22 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

I'm so sorry you feel down. The ladies are right, it's perfectly fine to want to be on your own. It's healthy! What is not healthy is the narcissists who depend on others to feed their ego and cater to their needs. They're the ones who cannot be alone because they are so insecure. Spending time alone is so important in getting to know yourself. It's incredibly healthy. People that avoid reality hate spending time alone. People who are in touch with their true selves cherish their alone time. You said you feel like life is a big lie. I have something that might cheer you up a bit. The home page of MSN's website today features Newsweek's lead story and it's titled "Generation Me" discussing and educating people on the topic of narcissism. The reason this might make you smile is because I think you'll agree that narcissists have been able to fly under the radar for a long time. Very few people understand what pathological narcissism is and how it affects others. When I first started writing my book people often thought I was writing about narcolepsy! They didn't know what narcissism was. The fact that Newsweek is covering narcissism as a lead story makes me want to jump up and down with joy. Finally, people are beginning to see narcissists for who they really are. All of us here can take the negative experience we endured of trying to love a narcissist and turn it into a positive one by helping others recognize a narcissist before they get hurt. What we went through will serve a purpose. I feel it is our responsibility to build awareness on this topic and am thrilled that it is finally starting to get some national attention!
Apr 24 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

Lisa

Lisa, I am happy too, and for another reason. I am fed up of this line which separates us from the rest of the world. It is horrible not being understood by your dear friends,being unable to explain well or to share your pain. It is so unfair. Remember: Safe People are people who draw you closer to who you were meant to be spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. They encourage you to be your most loving, growing self. (Emotional Abusers- Heartless Bitches International)
Apr 24 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Mariline

That's a good reason to be happy. I am also grateful to be able to come here and be understood by all of you. Other people just don't get it and it's not their fault. They can't possibly understand unless they've been through it themselves. Thank you all for being here.
Apr 24 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Mariline

for you http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/when-friends-family-dont-get-it-about.html
Apr 22 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

police

my police precinct did NOTHING when I went to them in terror about psycho-boy's threats. NYPD Main helped me get more information & truth on him but did ZIP to protect me either. I was looked at like a crazy lady. did you file a report? Go down and ask for a copy. Be a POLITE PEST and find out what they are doing about it. Move up the chain of command if you need to. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My site: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/