How to Leave a Narcissist/ Life with a Narcissist

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#1 April 16, 2009 - 2:35am
Anonymous (not verified)
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How to Leave a Narcissist/ Life with a Narcissist

In order to free yourself from emotional "hook" your narcissistic spouse has embedded into your brain you must realize that you are a complete, whole person on your own.

You do not need narcissist to make you happy and worthy, you can create your own happiness. You alone choose how your life will evolve, do not let narcissist make decisions for you.

Once you realize that separation from narcissist is actually a good thing rather than bad, you have taken a huge step towards recovery.

Recovery from depression or burn-out takes long time and may even require medication. Same applies to recovery from bad relationships. If you feel your life with your narcissistic spouse is taking you to this direction, please continue reading and find out how to stop the process before things go too far.

Living with a narcissist is hell and heaven combined. In the beginning it is all heaven, but as time goes by clouds slowly hide the sun and the hell breaks loose. This happens so slowly that the victim does not even realize what is going on before it is too late.

Narcissist can make you feel as if you are the most important and special person to them in the whole world. They talk about their never-ending love towards you, and most likely they also believe in their own words at that moment. So, ironically, narcissist is not really pretending or lying when he or she is praising how much he or she loves you. Narcissist is telling you the truth at that moment.

But sadly the target of the love of a narcissist changes rapidly, because narcissist is always longing for excitement and thrill.

Narcissist is "loving" you as long as you give narcissist what he or she wants, which is admiration and unconditional love. This will keep narcissist satisfied for some time. But the moment will come when narcissist will no longer get excitement and fulfillment out of the relationship with you. When that moment comes, narcissist will start to look for another provider of narcissistic supply, without which narcissist cannot live.

A narcissist cannot stand being alone, so they will often end up cheating their husband or wife and/or while they look for next Love Of Their Life. Once they find next provider of narcissistic supply, they will dump the present partner often in cold, emotionless manner. And on and on and on

March 5, 2010 - 1:36pm

Auto Pilot

Hi All,

I read that the N plans our discarding on our first meeting. Is that twisted or what??

They tell us what we want to hear. It wasn't real. It was illusion. My 2.5 month roller coaster ride was just that. A short trip to Hell. I was sleeping with a madman. I remember waking up with him staring at me. Summing me up like an animal about to be devoured. I looked into the emotionless eyes. The wheels inside his head were turning. But, his face had no expression. I went into Auto-Pilot for self preservation.

He didn't think I had the cajones to end it with him. He thought I was hopelessly in love. I was to an extent. But when he unmasked, I knew it was time to get out.

After I ended it, he had nothing more to do with me. I was written off as uncontrollable.

March 6, 2010 - 5:56pm (Reply to #17)


Mine did not think I would leave either. He always saw me as a "do-nothing' & passive type of person. Wrong. I was just lying-in-wait for my opportunity to bolt.

Mine also wrote me off way fast. We were married, so our relationship was going about 2 1/2 years when I left. But, really, he only tried to contact me a few times. He replaced me within 4 months with a new woman moving into the house.

Mine also had that predatory stare. When I ignored him recently at the lawyer's, he just stared & stared. I turned my back.

March 6, 2010 - 2:00am (Reply to #16)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

waking up

you know sean...i experienced this myself, and i've also heard a lot of other victims talk about waking up to find them staring at us....with that blank expression...the predatory stare.....people who haven't seen it just don't believe it....
My blog

March 5, 2010 - 5:36pm (Reply to #15)


Same thing happened to me-him staring at me when i was asleep-he also would sit up waiting-wanting me to go to sleep first! Mine is a psychopath/narc.........

July 20, 2009 - 11:29am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for suzanne

June 22, 2009 - 8:17pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

life with a narcissist

see top post

Free articles & information for abuse victims:

Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

May 4, 2009 - 7:50am
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

narcs do that

It takes a while (sometimes NEVER) for them to get the hint.

Also, they aren't too happy if they have an inkling you have 'figured them out.'

They are well-known to stalk, harass, badger and keep it up for years!!

Change your phone number!
Let the machine screen your calls and do NOT answer his; also delete messages from him WITHOUT LISTENING
Return all mail "delivery refused" - UNOPENED
Block all emails and IMs

As long as he thinks you are still listening to him, picking up the phone, responding (yes, EVEN if its to say 'go away') he will continue. He wants attention - EVEN NEGATIVE ATTENTION.

Free articles & information for abuse victims:

Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

May 2, 2009 - 6:33pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

getting out

Free articles & information for abuse victims:

Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

May 4, 2009 - 7:40am (Reply to #8)

Everyone says the narcassist

Everyone says the narcassist abandons you when you no longer "supply" them.

However, they try so hard to keep you in there life? Calling you etc....

May 4, 2009 - 9:56pm (Reply to #9)

No longer supplying the narcissist

As Barbara said, "Narcissists aren't too happy if they have an inkling you have 'figured them out." Once you figure them out, the end of the relationship is inevitable. You will either leave him because he makes your stomach turn or he will abandon you because you no longer "supply" him.

Once you see through him, you naturally stop providing the supply he needs and counts on from you. You're unimpressed and see him for who he really is. Without this supply, he will leave. He can't handle the fact that he no longer has a "spell" on you and can't get a reaction out of you.

He continues to call because while he knows you will never look at him the same way again, he is so addicted to getting a reaction from you, he will think of a reason to call. Even if he gets a negative reaction from you, it's better than nothing. He knows you're thinking about him and that feeds his ego.

May 4, 2009 - 10:14pm (Reply to #10)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


You know, I've thought about the lack of supply driving them away thing.
But from what I understand about it, I was supplying him pretty well around the time I was abandoned. Who knows, maybe that's why - I was making life too cushy for him, and oops - too much happiness and the big commitment were approaching. I knew something was wrong though, he was withdrawn, kept saying how I deserved better...he knew he was scaring me to death.

In hindsight, I guess that was too normal and he needed more drama. I think that's kind of it, he went where the drama was with the 'big family issue'(apparently). I guess it was much more exciting to be there than here. Now that the situation is stabilized (apparently), he wants back. Captain Rescue is learning that some folks aren't tolerant of that kind of game.
He's such a wackadoo.

April 16, 2009 - 7:16pm
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cassiemay - we are all just objects to them

It goes WAAAAY beyond us not being entitled to have feelings. To a Narc or Psychopath - EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST AN OBJECT. Print that out and put it on your bathroom mirror so you can see it a few times a day!! TO THEM - YOU ARE JUST AN OBJECT!!

by Kathy Krajco

An infant in a crib is unaware of the fundamental difference between people and the other objects that revolve around it in its world. Both its mother and the mobile overhead are just objects to it. It quickly learns that when it cries, the mother-object appears and fulfills all its needs. Ooh, power!

So, it uses its vocal chords as a remote control for the mother-object.

It assumes that the mother-object exists for its sake. It quickly learns how to operate the mother-object. It pushes the buttons on her control panel largely through big demonstrations of displeasure whenever she does not anticipate and fulfill its needs in advance. She is just one object in a world that revolves around it, for it. Mark Twain delightfully reminds us of what we are at this stage of human development:

I do not remember my first lie, it is too far back; but I remember my second one very well. I was nine days old at the time, and had noticed that if a pin was sticking in me and I advertised it in the usual fashion, I was lovingly petted and coddled and pitied in a most agreeable way and got a ration between meals besides. It was human nature to want to get these riches, and I fell. I lied about the pin — advertising one when there wasn’t any. You would have done it; George Washington did it, anyone would have done it. During the first half of my life I never knew a child that was able to rise above that temptation and keep from telling that lie.

— Mark Twain

A narcissist remains forever such an infant. His world revolves around him. The people in it are but objects for him to use and control — existing for his sake, not their own. Like levers on a control panel or tools to be damaged through heavy use or livestock to be consumed. There to fulfill his needs and enhance his image. Beyond that, they have no importance. It never occurs to him that he owes them anything in return or that he should consider the effects of his actions on them.

An object has no feelings. It is not a person. It is not even a being in the usual sense of the word. You might grab an object like a screwdriver and abuse it by using it to pry something open, knowing that by using it this way you might break it. But you think nothing of breaking a screwdriver. Damaging that screwdriver is nothing. There are plenty more where that one came from.

The only thing that matters is what you want = getting open that thing you’re trying to pry open with the screwdriver.

That screwdriver is of no account. It would be absurd to regard it as a having a right to better treatment. In fact, it has no right to be: it exists for your sake, for you to use and abuse as you please. It’s basically just an extension of yourself, a tool, an executioner of your will, not its own.

That’s what YOU are to a narcissist.

Narcissists (and psychopaths) just use other people, all other people. Any way they please. In other words, they don’t relate to other people. Which is an abbreviated way of saying that they don’t relate to other human beings as a human being.

To relate to other human beings as a human being (i.e., humanly), you have to be a human being. You must experience your own humanity and know it. Only then can you recognize the image and likeness of humanity in others and relate to it in them as our common humanity — something we share with all other human beings, even mortal enemies. We relate to it.

Relating to it IS humanity. Otherwise known as empathy. It’s what prompts soldiers who were fighting ferociously a minute ago to kneel down and tenderly care for the enemy’s wounds. In fact, because the extremity of battle often makes it hard to switch gears the moment the fighting stops, humanity toward the fallen foe was regarded as the Christian soldier’s highest virtue. In Italian it is called pieta, which sublimely shows that piety and pity (empathy) are two sides of the same coin.

But ours isn’t the only species that relates in a special manner to its own kind. Many species of higher animals do. And it’s easy to see why: that’s how Nature keeps them from preying on their own kind (as sometimes happens, especially among lower species of animals). Even when they do fight, once one contestant for what they’re fighting over backs off, the fight is instantly over and all hostility vanishes.

So, though remembering our humanity in extreme and unnatural situations like combat may be a virtue, normally it’s no virtue at all. It’s just natural.

But it’s a learned behavior.

To illustrate: You’ve certainly seen a toddler delighted with some chick or puppy or bunny or other cute little animal you place before her. Then, on a whim, she shocks you by grabbing a stick and pounding the poor thing. The look in her eyes is the most shocking part — nothing there but fascination with the effect she’s having on it = fascination with its agony.

Picture an adult instead, and you are watching a psychopath or other narcissist.

The narcissist feels entitled, and when he is thwarted, he acts out, just as young children, who are supremely narcissistic, act out. “Think of a toddler raging against an object that won’t do what he wants,” says [forensic psychologist J. Reid] Meloy. “I have this image in my mind of a 2-year-old squeezing a puppy’s feet. He’s attempting to control the animal’s behavior, and probably deriving some pleasure from that.”

— Hollow Men by Stephen G. Michaud

A little child does this because her person-ality isn’t fully developed. Her sense of person-hood isn’t differentiated so that she distinguishes between your personhood and hers. Between that puppy’s living soul and hers. She’s so brutal because while pounding Puppy she feels no pain. All she feels is powerful. So Puppy might as well be a nail she’s hitting with a hammer.

This is why parents must closely supervise that little child, especially when vulnerable animals or other small children are around, and teach her that other living beings have feelings of their own and feel like she would if someone did that to her. She must be taught to respect other living beings as beings in their own right and to empathize with them.

For whatever reason, psychopaths and narcissists never learn.

How could they? They identify with their image — a work of fiction — not their true selves. So, they don’t relate to themselves as human beings. They don’t know the human being within. They don’t know human being. So, how can they recognize humanity in others? How can they relate humanly to human beings?

The narcissist doesn’t conceive herself as of our kind: What god with nothing but contempt for mere mortals does? So, expect no more regard for your feelings from her alien mentality than you should expect from an extra-terrestrial who abducts you to use as a specimen for an experiment. No more than a lamb should expect from a wolf, a mouse from a cat, a baby seal from a killer whale, or a cockroach from you.

In other words, narcissists relate to us as predators do.

And so perhaps they are right: they are NOT of our kind, humankind. For, except in primitive species, predators don’t prey on their own kind. Because they identify with their own kind. They like their own kind. That affinity makes predation unthinkable. What use of force we observe among the members of a species is limited to what’s necessary to protect individual interests and goes not one step further.

True, narcissists and psychopaths are not the only people who can turn off their humanity. All people can turn it off like a light-switch, thus becoming guilty of inhumanity. In fact, Man’s inhumanity to Man is an age-old theme of literature, and history is full of examples of people turning off their human sensibilities en-masse, as during the Holocaust or the Inquisition. What makes people with narcissistic personality disorder (and psychopathy) different is that they have theirs turned off permanently for everyone but themselves.

And everyone means even their own children. Narcissists are as unfeeling toward whomever they abuse as you or I are toward a spike we are pounding with a sledgehammer. This is a hard truth to accept.

The good thing about accepting it is that there is no hating such a person. You can’t hate what you can’t relate to. You can no more hate a narcissist for being a narcissist than you can hate a snake for being a snake. You don’t take it personally when a snake bites you. Don’t take it personally when a narcissist does, either. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t anything you did. You were just there, that’s all. Handy.

Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals

April 16, 2009 - 5:28pm

Barbara's post

I really like that Barbara. It really hit home with me. Especially the part about the N loving you only as long as you give them their NS. And how quickly and cruelly they abandon you (Yes, Abandon!) when you no longer supply Them. No one Else has needs, or Shouldn't, according to the N. Just move on instead of dealing in a mature and rational and thoughtful way (even with a little Empathy!). One can't Ever Ever let an N "down" in any sense of the word. Failure or lack of attention or one's own personal issues are not acceptable. "I don't need this anymore." he says. Someone Else can provide me with all that I need and there won't be any Problems there......CM

June 23, 2009 - 11:17am (Reply to #2)


The first time we split it was my exNBF's decision. When he came back 4 months later, he told me he felt guilty about "abandoning" me.

The reality was my life was fine. Yes, he makes a ton of money. But I do very well myself, own my home, can have the material things I want, etc. So I wasn't financially burdened. If I need something done around the house, I can figure it out or pay someone to do it (the ex took pride in taking care of my house repair needs). My car was new and under warranty and service plans. Didn't need him there. My then 15 year old son has a dad - didn't need him for that.

He didn't feel guilty for "abandoning". He freaked out because I didn't come back to him begging and he had heard I was seeing someone else.

How dumb was I to fall for those false tears, false emotions! I took him back despite my friends' and therapist's warnings. So I wasted another year and a half of my life on him. Ohhh.... Things were great at first. But predictably, it all happened again and so much worse!


October 10, 2009 - 3:12pm (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

life with a narcissist


"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

October 10, 2009 - 7:30pm (Reply to #4)
4joys (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You could be doing

You could be doing everything right and he will still leave you. Could be the kindest, best in bed, most compassionate, funny, loving etc. It doesnt matter. When he's bored or needs something new, he will look outside of the relationship. That's just what they do.

Then he will get angry at you because you get in the way of him getting his kicks someplace else.

My exN said this after he left me...
"You became like a wall to me. I couldnt do what I wanted anymore because of you."

March 6, 2010 - 11:47am (Reply to #5)

Right on

This is what my psychologist said too-NOTHING we could do or anyone else no matter how beautiful,sexual,catering,nurturing would ever be ~IT~for long...........they always want MORE!

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