What Goes on in Their Heads

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Apr 28 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
malloryforest
malloryforest's picture

workout obsessed

Mine was also obsessed with working out. Everyday..it was the main priority. Our relationship worked if I made it my focus, but if I had other interests or the kids and I wanted to do anything else, forget it. Not until his workout was done. On saturday and sundays, he would have his big workouts. These would leave him so exhausted he would spend the afternoons sleeping. What fun! Mine was highly critical of everyone else's bodies. Every persons worth was based on their bodies. Of course, anyone who was not muscular and physically in shape would be given his wonderful advice on how they could and should get into shape. He loved calling women and men fat, and would love to stare and give hateful looks to anyone who he considered obese. Mine was also very controlling of food. Lots of food rules. NO SUGAR in the house. Sugar was the devil. Like a child, I would hide it and eat it when he wasn't around. Low carb everything. He also did a lot of the cooking, and used his cooking as a way to control. Part of his cooking was nice. He was a very good cook, and in the early days of our relationship, making dinner was a way of showing his love. Over time, it was more about him earning praise. He needed constant admiration for his dinners. Don't ever tell him you didn't just love the meal. He loved to congratulate himself on his great dinners, going on and on about how it was just the best thing he ever tasted and that he continuously amazes himself. I remember when I was at the end of my pregnancy, we had a couple over for dinner. He cooked the most spicy dinner he could. He knew I couldn't eat spicy foods since I had been on medicine for bad heartburn. I tasted the meal and told him I could not eat it, because It was to spicy, and I was sorry. He yelled at me in front of the other couple for being ungrateful, and how dare I not eat his meal. I remember just taking a few bites to get him to shut up. Mallory
Aug 6 - 5PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

to them we are objects

Mine was highly critical of everyone else's bodies. Every persons worth was based on their bodies. Of course, anyone who was not muscular and physically in shape would be given his wonderful advice on how they could and should get into shape. He loved calling women and men fat, and would love to stare and give hateful looks to anyone who he considered obese. This is so indicative of how they see other people as objects. Things. Not human beings. I posted this on my personal blog today (excerpt): #### First let me say I don't like being fat. Yes, I diet and yes, to the degree my disability (unrelated to my weight) allows me - I do exercise. A while back someone posted really malicious things about my weight, my character and even my disability online. Even throwing in a very twisted, backward and upside-down version of what really occurred between us. To wit (edited for foul language): You used the internet to track him down after 30 years, which wasn’t too hard because he’s a published writer. You got him to agree to meet up with you. When he did meet up with you, to his horror, he saw that his ex-girlfriend from college had ballooned into a 275 lb fat pig with poor hygiene and he didn’t want to bang you. He politely excused himself by saying he couldn’t do this to his wife. You then began stalking him and his family, driving by his house, sending letters to anyone with whom you thought you could slander his good name. His poor wife was left with no choice but to report you to the police after you threatened to harm her children. Sound familiar porkchop? ***************** (Believe it or not, it didn't bother me because I consider it so childish and ignorant. Added to the fact that I have hard copies of documents and forensic evidence that my attorney as well as others have that prove that what was said was absolutely false.) And, while I don't like my size but I do realize that I am NOT an 'out of control' eater -- I have a number of medical problems and have had numerous surgeries, medications and medical procedures that contribute to my size. And like I said, I don't like it and I am working on it. However, I still have to deal with the same discrimination that a "fat by their own hand" person deals with. It's one of those situations that really shows a lot of humanity for how INHUMANE it can be. And far too common. #### The person who posted that was a Psychopath who I knew for 30 years - who swooped back into my life just as my marriage was coming to an end. When I found out what he was, as well as his postings about the hookers he'd seen (if you want some examples of OBJECTIFY I will be happy to share them) - I had to go to the police over his threats... My point is that we are not PEOPLE to them. Everyone is an object - a thing - we are not supposed to feel or even have opinions. We are a collection of parts to be USED and RATED ACCORDING TO OUR USEFULNESS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Mar 22 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Breaking free from their control

I know what you mean, CM. I did the same kind of things. My ex didn't like when I used Equal in my coffee because he thought it was artificial and cancer-causing. He wanted me to use real sugar. He would allow me to use Splenda, but certainly not Equal. Never Equal! After we broke-up, I remember grabbing for the Equal every time I got coffee with a sense of utter satisfaction that I could choose whatever I wanted. I was no longer controlled or being judged by him. One day, my girlfriend asked why I didn't choose Splenda over Equal because it's better for you and I responded "Oh, because Jake never allowed me to use Equal." We laughed because, like you, I was choosing things in spite of him, regardless of whether they were good for me or not. It just goes to show how they try to exert control in every little aspect of our lives. It's maddening. Best, Lisa
Mar 23 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

control control

Equal - or aspartame - is really bad for you. However, I would tell someone that and then LET THEM BE AN ADULT and do what THEY CHOOSE TO DO. Not a pathological, right Lisa? Here's a recent from ex NH. His oldest sister (who I really get along well with) was in town. He offered to make dinner and we all said fine (I made something for the kids because they HATE his cooking). He made JUMBALAYA. Typical, he almost always NEVER takes the kids into account or anyone else and makes what HE WANTS. Now we were married 25 years. He knows I have loads of allergies... I thought. He put SALMON in the JUMBALAYA. I am highly allergic. I tasted it and within 3 mins I just about stopped breathing. Thank GOD my sister in law is severely asthmatic and let me use her inhaler until I could get some benadryl down. Afterwards instead of saying I am sorry - he had the typical BACKWARD Narc reaction of screaming at me. My sister in law was so angry with him - she said "I have known her for years now too and I KNOW she's allergic to SALMON!! When you were all at my house this summer I made grilled salmon and had to make her something else!" I swear he was trying to kill me. And he was pissed off. Later he admitted if he SNEAKED it into my food and if I was ok he could "get me to eat more Salmon because it would be good for me." My therapist warned me he thinks my allergies and even my disability are 'figments of my imagination.' Tell that to the E.R., jerk! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! control control control -- they just have to control that bizarre non-reality they live in! Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 24 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

barbara

I cannot Believe he did that. How on earth could you "stomach" (sorry for the pun) the idea of having dinner with him??? I hope you are ok. You are physically, but how about emotionally? CM
Mar 24 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Emotionally - I am Numb & have been for 5 years

I have been permanently disabled since 1995. I also have surgery upcoming for a hormone disorder problem I have had since 1966. Emotionally? I could care less about him. He's an annoyance. However, the other guy - psycho-boy - I am now on Zoloft and occassional Valium for PTSD. Since he's harassing me off & on for exposing his B.S. (I got a cease & desist but I am not sure how long that will stop a predator who doesn't care about the "law")
Mar 24 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Barbara

I'm so sorry to hear you have to have surgery. Care to share more? Don't know if this applies to you, but I had my uterus and ovaries removed because of problems about 10 years ago and it was quite awful. I know for some women this is helpful but for me it sent me whirling into depression and unexpected physical changes, primarily the lack of whatever natural hormones I was stlll getting from my ovaries. I hope you have good medical advice about whatever you are choosing to have done. There were consequences no one knew about at the time for me.... Secondly, I'm furious that someone (psycho boy) is harrassing you. So glad you got a court order, but I know how scary that can be if "they" don't care. Can you stay with friends or family until it stops? Do you have a means of other protection? You are a very smart woman and know more than I about all of this, but please take care for yourself as well. We all need support and back-up. CM
Mar 23 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Barbara,

Wow, I can't believe he put salmon in the jumbalaya knowing that you're severely allergic to it. How scary. I enjoyed your rant on co-dependence and agree with what you said. People try to label others as co-dependent all the time. We should really ask ourselves why. Best, Lisa
Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
grossot
grossot's picture

Exactly He takes his 4 yr.

Exactly He takes his 4 yr. old to the gym every Wed night - that's the only consistent night of the week he has her. nolongercontrolled
Mar 19 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

at the gym?

a FOUR YEAR OLD? My god are you married to my ex? That's one of the most Narc things I have ever heard! Sounds like something ex NH would do. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 21 - 5AM (Reply to #6)
grossot
grossot's picture

He has man boobs and a gut!

Oh yea he's always there. The gym. I complained. He bought a $2000 tredmill for our basement so we could spend more time with him. But he'd get on it and listen to his ipod. How is that spending time with us? What is he doing at the gym anyway? He certainly did not have a rock hard body I would have liked to seen. Not that appearance really matters to me but have something to show for it, ya know? He has man boobs and a gut. nolongercontrolled
Mar 24 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
better off
better off's picture

Maybe they are all there

Maybe they are all there checking out the other GUYS. ;-)
Mar 24 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the gym

Not all narcs are gay BUT my therapist said some of the do have homosexual relations and/or masturbate frequently - she believes its the closest they come to "having sex with themselves!" WOW did that make sense to me. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 25 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Gym

Oh yes, Narcs are very auto-erotic and prefer masturbating than real intimacy. Like you said, Barbara - closest thing to having sex with themselves. Scary! Oh, and I totally believe they are checking out other men at they gym!
Mar 25 - 1PM (Reply to #11)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Lisa/gym

Ya think???
Mar 21 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

man boobs!

Thanks grossot. That one made me LOL. CM