carol's story

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#1 Mar 6 - 9AM
carol
carol's picture

carol's story

is it me or is it him?

Hey,
this is my first time on any forum. I have been married many years and I have to admit that I created serious problems in the marriage from the start. I did not want to get married; I had a "foreboding feeling." I guess that could have been the fear of intimacy because I am the daughter of an N and a product of incest. But on our wedding night I did not have sex with my husband. I went into a depression soon after the wedding andtold him I thought I had made a terrible mistake. For 12 years I avoided sex; I did not feel safe with him. I did not have those "in love feelings." For many years I journaled that he was the kindest, most loyal spouse but that I just didn't have the "right" feelings for him. But now I wonder if it there was more to it than that.
Then, I noticed strange things in his behavior and discoverd he had ADHD. I asked for him to seek help. He told lots of lies and avoided intimacy but becuae of my behavioral history in the marriage I blamed myself and so did he. I did wful things, like stike up a sort of emotional affair with someone. I talked to guys on the internet (not sex or dating sights). I was looking for warmth and love in my own dysfunctional way. I just felt detached from my husband. In our first few months of marriage I started having panic attacks and once my heart went into an arryhthmia. So severehe took me to the hospital and they ahd to convert it. When my heart did that we were in a shoe store. I said to him, "I think I am having a heart attack." He ignored me. He said, "Can you wait until I am done looking?" Then, on the way there, he turned the radio up loud. I said, please turn that down. he said, "I'm driving and I want it on." At the hospital, he didn't act the slightest bit concerned. He made business phone calls. Later I asked him about his reaction and he said it was becuae he knew I was fine.
Things got worse over the next 10 years until I asked him to get help or move out and he chose to move out. We were seperated for nearly a year and in that time I workd on my own issues and really got stuff sorted out. Problem is--he didn't. Guess he felt hurt and abandoned and when he moved back in proceeded to punish me in every way possible. His heart has never returned to me. He lies, witholds sex, reminding me of my long abstinence. I discovered a pornography habit.
He has never left me or threatened to leave and is an amazing financial supporter. I, on the other hand, have threatened divorce throughout the marriage. Though I regret this, I knew of no other way to get him to see me, pay attentino to me. I would always say, "I don't want to get divorced but you treat me like you don't cre if i live or die."
I don't know nor have I seen evidence of affairs. We are wealthy and he has always been the primary, if not sole, bread winner. So far it sounds like I'm the bad guy.
But the thing is, I started to wonder, several years before I gave the ultimatum about getting counseling or moving out, if he was an N. The pathological lying, the avoidance of touch and talking, the cold, shark-like behavior, the subtle criticms, the blaming and scapegoating, the manipulating. I began to wonder if that was one of the reasons I did not feel comfortable with him. He says I did this to him, from years of my rejection and criticism. But I don't think that can be true, although I deeply regret and am devastated by own behavior.
On our first date, he tried to have sex with me, though I resisted until the point where I begged him to stop. Finally, he said, "Just take a bath with me." I did and he masturbated while looking at me. He was adamant about marrying me but then during our courtship, during which we had regular, normal, good sex, he suddenly decided we were not having sex anymore and stopped it abruptly. he said he though we were doing something against God. This seems strange, now that I look back, becuase he initiated premartial sex with me and I know had sex with other girls in college.
I know I have been a horrible wife and have so many sorrows becuase of my behavior that resulted from my abusive uprbining. But I can't help but feel that there is another piece of the puzzle beyond how awful I've been.
If anyone has ANY insight into this mess I would be so grateful. My depression and anxiety have reached a point where it would take amiracle for me to survive.
God Bless each and every one of you.
Carol

Mar 15 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's not you, Carol

It's him. Make no mistake. Listen to the good advice & support on this board and get away from this controlling, manipulative, soul-sucking excuse for a human being as soon as you can.
Mar 6 - 9AM
better off
better off's picture

BIG HUGS

Carol...I'm glad you got the courage to post. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY. Your behavior is not horrible. You have been abused and victimized by a bad guy who has brainwashed you!! HIS behavior is horrible!!! No one deserves what you've been through, even if you were as awful as you claim to have been, which you have NOT. You say "his heart never returned to me" and I would say he doesn't possess a heart. YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT. What are you doing about the depression and anxiety? Have you told a doctor? A counselor? Please let someone help you.
Mar 7 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
ella (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

test 2

testing site
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
carol
carol's picture

is it possible he's being honest?

Thank you so much for teh big hug. I am desperate and suffering for touch and contact. But can you tell me, what do you think of his actions? My mother and even sisters say I have been selfish and cruel and that he gave up having a sexual interest in me becuase of my rejection. that, and that fact that I was so critical of his behvaior becuase I din't understna dthe ADHD thing. He says he feels he has love and supported me all these years and I have given nothing back. He says he begged me to get a job when we began going trhough a fniancial crises due to the ecomony and his job is in the financial industry. I didn't know how bad it was becuase he keeps all that private. Now that I am trying to get employment it is so hard and I'm afraid to take work that would embarrass him (cleaning, etc.). I have a master's degree but am so sick and tired and emotiionally and phsyically spent I hardly think I can get through the day most of the time. But more than all that, can you give me your opinoin about his actions? Does he soun like an N or someone who got married yong (21) and is really, really hurt and lost?
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
better off
better off's picture

Another hug

He sounds like an absolutely selfish cruel asshole, AKA a narcissist. He sounds like someone who tried to date rape you the first time you went out with him and instead used you a sex prop. Which isn't too far from a date rape in my opinion, emotionally speaking. He sounds like someone who preyed on all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses in order to control you. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO HIM. He is NOT the victim. His actions are reprehensible. Even if you were a TERRIBLE person, his actions would be reprehensible, toward anyone!! At any time. He doesn't sound like someone who is really really hurt, he sounds like someone who really really hurts other people. What makes me so sad Carol, is that your own family is as emotionally abusive as he is. Which maybe explains how you would end up this man's target. My husband has ADHD and I found out I've been letting him use that as his copout crutch for all sorts of crappy behavior that really isn't ADHD. And guess what?? I got diagnosed with it myself a few months ago, and he refuses to let me discuss it with him. Suddenly, ADHD doesn't exist anymore. Okay that was about me, sorry. Just forget about that part of it, is what I'm saying. ADHD doesn't make a person cruel. Please, please try to get some help for yourself. I too have a college degree (not a master's) and have had a hard time being able to do something about a job due to my own crippling depression, which I am now healing from. But you can't do it yourself. Please at least speak to your regular doctor. Can you find a support group in your town? Like Codependents Anonymous, anything really, to get you in contact with some caring people?
Mar 6 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
carol
carol's picture

feeling totally at fault

I know this must make me sound nuts and blind an deluded, but my mom and sister and doctos like Dr. laura Slessinger (radio therapist) have drilled--unrelentingly--into my head how horrible I am. They ahve told me my husband has been killing himself trying to support us and all i do is complain and criticize. I read on this blod about a guy who says he finally gave up interest in wife sexually after she rejected him for so long but he is trying to work it out and recognizes he may have n tendancies. he says he built up walls as a way to avoid being hurt. This is what my husband says. When I was working as a radio host he treated me much better. he explains this by saying that all he ever wanted was to feel like I cared about his health and survival and that i wasn't just sucking him dry until he dropped dead. Does any of this make sense? What things do you think are really bad about what he's done? When I confronted him about our first date he said, "Honey, I was a 20 year old college student. My gosh!!!!!!" I am so confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mar 7 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

feeling at fault

Carol, I'm sorry you are so confused and upset. I think we all understand how awful that feels, especially when you are smack in the middle of it, which you are. A few thought come to mind for me. First, it seems you are feeling incredibly guilty for many things. I would encourage you to write these things down. NOT to self punish yourself anymore, but to try to be more objective. Write one by one down and after each entry think back carefully. Then write down what you remember about what was going on At The Time that may have led to or contributed to your anger, criticism, depression, whatever. Was it something that happened between the two of you? Something he said or did that seemed unacceptable or upsetting? I'm not trying to say that he "caused" you to feel certain things or that it is his "responsibility" that you did certain things. What I Am saying is that, in my experience, when I am in the middle of things and reacting a certain way, then Told that I'm "being too sensitive" or "acting crazy" or "to blame" by others it is very easy to slip into accepting those responses and feeling Overly guilty and responsible. In the moment it is very difficult to be objective, but with a bit of distance and more objective thinking, you may be better able to see whether it was His issue or yours. We all make mistakes and we all have issues because we are all human. So don't beat yourself up if you find a few that are your issues. On the other hand....I wonder if, upon reflection, and without internalizing the critical voices in your life, you might not discover that Yes! There WAS a reason that had nothing to do with me that led me to feel or react that way. And perhaps that will help you to sort out in what ways His behavior resulted in you feeling "crazy". This is called "crazy making". It happens when someone completely denies your own reality , in spite of obvious evidence that what you have experienced is real and indisputable. It is the denial of facts as well. It is a turning of blame onto someone who may indeed be the "victim". And it is extremely helpful to try to be as objective about this as possible. I am so sorry that your family and God forbid, DR LAURA, are critical voices to you. That just makes it so much harder. Two thoughts: 1. I hate Dr. Laura. I listened to her for over a year. At first I thought she was pretty good in terms of calling a spade a spade, but the more I listened the more I came to see her as abusive. She, in my humble opinion, often blames the victim, and in a very nasty and humiliating manner. Yes, yes, some people play the "victim" role too much, but this a question that only you can answer for yourself, perhaps with the support of a good therapist. She is NOT. I became so angy listening to her responses to callers who were clearly in pain and struggling with difficult circumstances that I couldn't bear to listen anymore. She greatly OVERSIMPLIFIES things. She's got only a couple of minutes to respond, because after all, it's her Living.....so she resorts to oversimplification and quick "answers". There Is No Such Thing in the real and complicated world in which we live. Don't listen anymore and if you must, then keep an ear out for what your own intuition tells you about exactly how she is treating people. 2. Since your family does not seem able to support you (perhaps they are burdened with their own narrow view of the world for their own reasons), please try to find another support group of good friends or a therapist or a womens' group therapy. Group therapy can be a great adjunct to individual therapy because you get a range of reactions in addition to your own individual therapist. And trust me on this one: if you "need" to be "called out" on something it Will happen in group. If you need to be supported for something it will happen in group. You all help each other and sometimes that means support and sometimes it means challenging with a different view. Whatever it is it will help you to become more objective, help you to better deal with issues in individual therapy and help you to grow. It is scary at first, but if it is a good group you will soon become comfortable. It sounds as if you have the financial resources to do these things. If not, there are always the aforementioned Anonymous groups, which can also be very helpful if you keep an ear out for personal biases and problems with which others are dealing and which may or may not be taken with a grain of salt. I think you'll know in your gut which is which. I agree with whoever encouraged you to see your doctor. If you are not already on some antidepressant it is possible it may help you to regain a basic level of functioning. At least consider it if you have not already. I don't mean to sound like an advice goddess. It's just that I've been around this block myself for way too long and these are the things that I found helpful for myself. I am feeling for you and wishing you the best of luck. As Woody Allan said "80 % of success is showing up". When you are totally underwater it is often very difficult to literally, "show up". I would make all kinds of excuses and they were so true at the time; such as "I can't even go to my therapy appt. because I'm too depressed to drive". Do everything it takes to just show up at this point. To brush your teeth, to get the groceries. It is enough at this point. Don't expect too much of yourself right now because that may just make things worse. Understand that you are in a very difficult place right now and for very good reasons. If you can, give yourself any breaks you can to sleep, relax, journal and get to your appts. You can't function for others if you can't function for yourself. Keep us posted. CM
Mar 7 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

p.s.

If you are able to "show up" give yourself big hugs and congratulations for being able to do so. It's a big deal when you are feeling so badly. CM