carol's story
carol's story
is it me or is it him?
Hey,
this is my first time on any forum. I have been married many years and I have to admit that I created serious problems in the marriage from the start. I did not want to get married; I had a "foreboding feeling." I guess that could have been the fear of intimacy because I am the daughter of an N and a product of incest. But on our wedding night I did not have sex with my husband. I went into a depression soon after the wedding andtold him I thought I had made a terrible mistake. For 12 years I avoided sex; I did not feel safe with him. I did not have those "in love feelings." For many years I journaled that he was the kindest, most loyal spouse but that I just didn't have the "right" feelings for him. But now I wonder if it there was more to it than that.
Then, I noticed strange things in his behavior and discoverd he had ADHD. I asked for him to seek help. He told lots of lies and avoided intimacy but becuae of my behavioral history in the marriage I blamed myself and so did he. I did wful things, like stike up a sort of emotional affair with someone. I talked to guys on the internet (not sex or dating sights). I was looking for warmth and love in my own dysfunctional way. I just felt detached from my husband. In our first few months of marriage I started having panic attacks and once my heart went into an arryhthmia. So severehe took me to the hospital and they ahd to convert it. When my heart did that we were in a shoe store. I said to him, "I think I am having a heart attack." He ignored me. He said, "Can you wait until I am done looking?" Then, on the way there, he turned the radio up loud. I said, please turn that down. he said, "I'm driving and I want it on." At the hospital, he didn't act the slightest bit concerned. He made business phone calls. Later I asked him about his reaction and he said it was becuae he knew I was fine.
Things got worse over the next 10 years until I asked him to get help or move out and he chose to move out. We were seperated for nearly a year and in that time I workd on my own issues and really got stuff sorted out. Problem is--he didn't. Guess he felt hurt and abandoned and when he moved back in proceeded to punish me in every way possible. His heart has never returned to me. He lies, witholds sex, reminding me of my long abstinence. I discovered a pornography habit.
He has never left me or threatened to leave and is an amazing financial supporter. I, on the other hand, have threatened divorce throughout the marriage. Though I regret this, I knew of no other way to get him to see me, pay attentino to me. I would always say, "I don't want to get divorced but you treat me like you don't cre if i live or die."
I don't know nor have I seen evidence of affairs. We are wealthy and he has always been the primary, if not sole, bread winner. So far it sounds like I'm the bad guy.
But the thing is, I started to wonder, several years before I gave the ultimatum about getting counseling or moving out, if he was an N. The pathological lying, the avoidance of touch and talking, the cold, shark-like behavior, the subtle criticms, the blaming and scapegoating, the manipulating. I began to wonder if that was one of the reasons I did not feel comfortable with him. He says I did this to him, from years of my rejection and criticism. But I don't think that can be true, although I deeply regret and am devastated by own behavior.
On our first date, he tried to have sex with me, though I resisted until the point where I begged him to stop. Finally, he said, "Just take a bath with me." I did and he masturbated while looking at me. He was adamant about marrying me but then during our courtship, during which we had regular, normal, good sex, he suddenly decided we were not having sex anymore and stopped it abruptly. he said he though we were doing something against God. This seems strange, now that I look back, becuase he initiated premartial sex with me and I know had sex with other girls in college.
I know I have been a horrible wife and have so many sorrows becuase of my behavior that resulted from my abusive uprbining. But I can't help but feel that there is another piece of the puzzle beyond how awful I've been.
If anyone has ANY insight into this mess I would be so grateful. My depression and anxiety have reached a point where it would take amiracle for me to survive.
God Bless each and every one of you.
Carol
It's not you, Carol
BIG HUGS
test 2
is it possible he's being honest?
Another hug
feeling totally at fault
feeling at fault
p.s.