I need to hear something....

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#1 March 4, 2009 - 3:11am
Mariline
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I need to hear something....

Sorry girls, but today it is....a day. I need to hear that HE will be judged and condemned for breaking the law, for spying on me and on my things for more than a year, for using all the info for manipulating me..... I live in a country where the medium time for a legal action is 2 years! I cannot wait that long! I am ANGRY! He spat on me arriving to type the name of his new girlfriend in place of my name in my email account......he has cracked my email again just to laugh in my face and in face of my reports. I am angry! I need to hear that he will never be happy.....I need to hear that I will be happy! Oh please, forgive me for ranting....just a bad day.

March 13, 2009 - 4:01pm
Carolyn
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ranting is healthy

He will lose interest but one way to get rid of him quick is to make a fool of him-they don't like negative public attention. Start a rumor, post something, send an e-mail, be subtle but make him look ridiculous. Mine told so many lies about me I was lucky I had an understanding boss and didn't lose my job. One of my co-workers started sending some of these lies back to him in different 'packages' and he quit fast. One story about him being a transvestite was totally false and that did it. he never bothered me again. the story was not true and I didn't do it but it was funny. Everyone in the company knew it was a game but he ended all slander and problems when it became a two way street. Carolyn
March 13, 2009 - 4:59pm (Reply to #12)
better off
better off's picture

Hahaha...one thing's for

Hahaha...one thing's for sure, those who dish it out, don't know how to take it. A transvestite...I love it.
March 4, 2009 - 9:34pm
grossot
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Mariline Im so sorry about

Mariline Im so sorry about everything you're going through. You don't deserve any of this. You deserve happiness. I pray that your situation gets resolved and you regain your identity, legally and spiritually. The one thing that has helped me in getting through this is prayer. You don't need to curse him. He's cursing himself. I urge you if you haven't already, please get the book Malignant Self Love by Sam Vaknin. Lisa's book when he's only into himself is also very informative. It just helps to have a name for the problem. My N will texts me (to manipulate me or suggest some crazy idea) and if I dont respond, he texts, "hey" as if I'm going to rush to the cell phone and be at his beckon call. they hate it when you move on. You can do this. we will all help you. You can tell us anything. We'll be there for you. YOU ARE THE OPPOSITE OF NARCISSISM. That's what attracted him to you in the first place. There's nothing about yourself you need to change! Blessings, nolongercontrolled
March 4, 2009 - 10:38pm (Reply to #7)
Elena
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I also recommend Malignant Self Love book

Mariline, Learning all the issues he has - has helped me understand what happened to my marriage. Particularly because I am a Christian woman who believed marriage was forever, and that I needed to do everything to make it last. So when he decided to leave me for someone else, I was in complete devastation and despair. I feel knowledge is setting me free little by little. I believe God helped me come across this book, no one made this recommendation to me, I just found it. I still struggle with my feelings, but I have some knowledge to hold on to, that helps me keep myself together when the storm of feelings come back ...
March 13, 2009 - 2:10pm (Reply to #9)
cassiemay
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where are you?

Mariline, Haven't seen another post from you. Are you ok? Please let us know. CM
March 14, 2009 - 11:27am (Reply to #10)
Lisa E. Scott
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where are you?

Yes, haven't heard from Mariline or Grossot in awhile. Are you ladies ok? We're thinking of you and here for you!
March 4, 2009 - 11:22pm (Reply to #8)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Sam Vaknin

Yes, Ruby. I totally agree with you! Sam Vaknin's book was on my nightstand for many years. It got me through my divorce. It is an incredibly helpful book when trying to figure out what makes a narcissist tick and why they do what they do. I still refer to this book regularly and cannot recommend it more highly!
March 4, 2009 - 7:56pm
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Do not react to him, whatever you do

Hi Mariline, I know the anger you feel right now is overwhelming. CassieMay is right - it's going to take time to heal, but you will get through this and you will find happiness. Right now, try to channel your anger into something productive - working out, singing, writing, or venting to a family member or friend. Just get it out, but do NOT let him know how much he upsets you. He wants a reaction from you. No matter how mad he makes you, do NOT let him see it. Believe me, the best way to frustrate a narcissist is to act like you could care less what he does. He wants to get a reaction out of you. It thrills him. Do not give him this satisfaction. You must appear to be unaffected by his actions - as if you hardly notice he exists. This will drive him crazy. The minute you give in and yell at him or tell him how he upset you is the minute you give him exactly what he wants. He wants to know that he still has a hold over you...that he can still get a reaction out of you. Save all your venting for loved ones you can trust. Never show him that he upsets you. Dismiss him as if he were a mere acquaintence you could care less about and it will drive him mad! Then channel your anger and frustration in other ways, like I mentioned above. Don't keep it bottled up, but don't let him see how he affects you. Hang in there and stay strong. I know it's extremely painful right now, but it will get easier and you will find true happiness. There are men out there capable of real, genuine love. Your ex, on the other hand, is not capable of such a wonderful emotion and as a result, will never be happy. He just goes through the motions in life and never feels real feelings like we can. Narcissists are not genuinely happy and make up for this deficit by hurting others and putting them down. He will always be miserable, but that doesn't mean you have to be too. When you break free of him for good, you will find true happiness. You deserve it! xoxo, Lisa
March 4, 2009 - 11:39am
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

Anger

Mariline, It sounds as if you are in the relative "beginning" stage of coming to terms, and I know how awful it feels at that point. The anger, hurt, and obssesiveness we get into can drive us crazy. And....None Of It Works. In fact, even though the emotions are negative, he actually derives a thrill from it because it reinforces for him just how Special he really is. And you walk away or hang up the phone feeling not only More anger and frustration, but like a piece of doo doo as well for having once again succumbed to his sickness. I learned this the hard way. By doing it over and over again. Finally I learned that all that happened was that I got even more upset. (which is hard to imagine) It would send me into a whirlwind of anger and helplessness for days. I KNOW it is very hard not to have contact and to manage your anger. Friends and family told me for months not to have any contact but I couldn't or wouldn't stop myself. Now I have and I am much better off this way. I'm sorry your legal system is so slow, but it it's any comfort my divorce has been going for 2 and 1/2 years because of foot dragging and legal manuevers by HIM. I've read this is typical. Now when I get angry I try to vent to friends and family and/or on sites like this, where it is safe to do so and you may get helpful feedback. Direct contact with friends and family may even help you to find yourself Laughing at the absurdity of it all......there's something quite helpful when someone says out loud to you "He did WHAT?" It helps to ground you and bring you back to reality and saneness. Do what you can legally, then tell yourself that's all you can do and try to let it go and tell yourself you have done what you can and no more obsessing will help. Do something else to get your mind off of it---a walk, a phone call, a visit, a stupid comedy on tv. Anything but contacting him and thinking that may make some sort of difference. One of the things I always believed was that if I could just find "the right paragraph" or words, he would Surely gain insight and see things my way. HA! Not Going To Happen and believe me I tried everything. Keep posting and hang tight. CM
March 4, 2009 - 11:52am (Reply to #2)
cassiemay
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P.S.

As for happiness: I know you don't believe it right now but yes, you will find moments of joy even currently. Be grateful for them and trust that they Will become more frequent as time goes on. As another posting on her says, it Does get better, though it will also take time for you to heal. Give it time and use whatever support system you have to help you. You need it now and that's ok. Let others love you and remind you of the wonderful qualities you possess and who you really are as a person. As for his happiness: He may seem happy because he has a new narcissitic supply source. For Now..... It won't last either because the problem resides in HIM and no other woman can fix that. She (and the many who follow) will end up just as miserable as you, if not even more if they make the mistake of staying with this controlling jerk. It's no way to live. Try to take the high road and don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you still care. Just think how enticing it is for them to discuss your "crazy" reactions and then bond over that. YUCK. CM
March 4, 2009 - 9:31pm (Reply to #3)
better off
better off's picture

keep hope

Mariline, I know it's so hard now. Don't ask for forgiveness for ranting. You deserve to rant!! Just as you deserve to be free of this nightmare. Legal justice, time will tell, but the real justice is that he has to live with himself forever and ever...and you don't.
March 9, 2009 - 3:13pm (Reply to #4)
Mariline
Mariline's picture

I know you all are right. I

I know you all are right. I have read a lot of excerpts of the book of Sam Vaknin. The grieh has faded a lot, 6 months have passed. I have regained a bit of my peace, I enjoy life, I am able to read, I am full of interests right now. But everything is slow and everything seems so unfair and unreal. If he cannot suffer, how can I ever have justice? He will be forever satisfacted. NS after NS, where is his grief? Yes I know I should not have any reaction. I wonder WHY he wants a reaction from me. I don't understand! It is unfair, unfair, unfair! I am in peace but rage does not disappear so easily. He has stolen my thoughts! I want also to suggest you two good blogs: Knitting at the Guillotine, of Sandra Marie Betts, and Narcissists Suck by Anna Valerious.