Don't know yet-please help

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#1 October 7, 2008 - 2:12pm
Anonymous (not verified)
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Don't know yet-please help

Been seeing a man for six months. He was madly in love with me, wildly attentive in bed. Told me it gave him so much pleasure to please me sexually. Wrote e-mails saying I was like his first and only love. Wanted a monogamous relationship very early on. Told me he loved me very early on in our relationship. Gazed at me. Complimented me.

Over the months he's been less and less attentive to making me happy in bed. Mentioned that sexual desire was like a lunatic that distracted him. Wants to make love now usually in the dark. Complains of being tired and of not having as much libido as me. All the expressions of love, except for saying I love you at the end of telephone conversations and ends of e-mails have ended.

Asked him if we could talk about sex. He ignored my request and continued talking about something else. I said, "Hey, you ignored my question." He said, "I don't want to talk about it." His tone was angry. I was too stunned to say anything. Had sex that night. I initiated. He did a bit to give me pleasure, but much less than he used to, per usual.

Next morning in bed he grabbed my hand and pushed it on his penis. Said nothing, but the message was clear: jerk me off.

Accidentally bumped his foot under the table while we were eating and I said, "Oh, it's just your foot." He pulled it away. I said, "That's okay. It's not in my way." He said nastily, "I don't need to play footsy while I'm eating."

Talked in bed one morning. Got very sad talking about my dad who I miss very much and started to cry. He saw me crying, but walked away and said nothing. Early on in our relationship I used to cry sometimes as I was recently divorced and very hurt by ex. He would hold me and be loving. Now I sense he's got no patience for my complaints. He complains alot. Constantely stressed about work and life's demands. Told me leisure is last on his list of things to do. Wants to work all the time. Has no friends. Doesn't like to hug. Shows no affection anymore. Doesn't touch me except in bed. Seems to need me, though.

Very frightened I've fallen in love with someone who can't love back. But maybe just a stressful time for him? Seems probable that he's incapable of loving as he was abandoned by his mom when he was eight years old. Had a short-term marriage that didn't seem to be about love. No other love relationships in past eight years except for his daughter who he seems to both love and hate.

March 7, 2009 - 5:27am
grossot
grossot's picture

ozean are you still there?

I was hoping you could tell a little more about the relationship he has with his daughter. I fear my N does not love our daughter in the way you love a child - he uses her for his N supply. nolongercontrolled
March 3, 2009 - 7:56am
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

you are involved with

you are involved with someone who only operates on his wave length. Sometimes he was on your wavelength in the beginning but that takes a lot of psychological energy and he got 'burned-out' doing things your way. the daughter has lived with mood switches, changes in personality and attitude, and various forms of abuse and she loves the good part and hates the bad part. that seesaw relationship creates a lot of psychological and emotional chaos. Get out of this before you are harmed anymore. Some drugs are like that the addict seeks for the first great high and never gets it again all the while losing everything they have in the search. You need to have a person in your life that is there for you.
November 1, 2008 - 3:49pm
Maina (not verified)
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Sorry you have gone through this

Yes, you have clearly gotten involved with a man who can't love and is narcissitic. You deserve so much better. The pattern you describe is so typical of a controlling narcissitic. It is textbook. Please keep reading and save yourself by getting him out of your life. This is not you, this is him. Read Lisa's book and Men Who Can't Love by Carter and Sokol. Hugs