Help with What to Do about Divorcing the Narcissist

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#1 June 23, 2008 - 5:23pm
Anonymous (not verified)
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Help with What to Do about Divorcing the Narcissist

I have been married to him for 7 years....it's a total horror story and will take a large amount of time and effort to tell the whole story. As everyone says, it started out to be wonderful....I thought we were made for each other. Talk about love being blind! I should have gotten the first clue when he was offended by a woman at my church who told me about how she was physically abused after her marriage and how careful I should be. He said to me "I would NEVER do that" then when we got back to my house, he wanted to go home because he did not feel comfortable after hearing that!! I actually talked him out of it like a fool! I am planning on serving him with divorce papers after 7 years, next month. There is a lot of anxiety thinking about this because I know what he is capable of. I will write more later. But the gist if it is that, in the state of Florida, unless there has been obvious physical abuse, there can be no injunction to get him out of my house. There has been everything BUT physical abuse, and he came very close to that! He will not leave. More on that later.

March 15, 2009 - 12:45am
Barbara (not verified)
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This book helped me a lot

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php
March 13, 2009 - 3:44pm
Jodie
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My N was physically abusive too

He violated me in every way, then after would say, "You know I love you. Let's go shopping." It was bewildering. I never thought I would be "that girl" ya know. I'm intelligent, attractive, great career....but I got sucked into his twisted world/reality and mind. It was fun at times but the bad (as you ALL know) certainly outweighed the good. I finally got the guts to leave after he said, "You'll NEVER leave me. You're a coward." When I finally did leave him I had a multitude of bruises on my arms after he tackled me on the floor and threw me on the bed and he said, "They didn't come from me, you always have bruises on you." then he finished with, "Why don't you kill yourself and do us BOTH a favor." Lovely husband.

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

March 14, 2009 - 11:25am (Reply to #6)
Lisa E. Scott
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Hugs

Oh, their true colors come out when you confront them for who they really are, don't they? I'm so sorry he did this to you. He sounds horribly cruel and you deserve so much better. Hang in there and please remember everything I said in my previous post to you. xoxo, Lisa
March 3, 2009 - 9:32am
Carolyn
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private investigators

donnaO You are on a sippery slope. He is still in your house, he is controlling, does not want you to have information about abuse,and is so terrible you have to divorce him. He is not going to get out of your life easily. A lawyer is not a counselor and they are interested in cases that pay them a lot. If you go into a crazy divorce with a narcissist you can end up paying a fortune and having the case go on for years. If you have a private investigator talk to your lawyer about what information you need to obtain in order to get a divorce without prejudice you are better off going to the investigator first. When I divorced I was working for a lawyer and he knew about narcissists. he told me to do things that were quasi- illegal but hard for the narcissist to fight. I moved my money into another bank account, informed my boss that I would be having a bad experience coming up- with a nut, had a locksmith come the day he was served at work. The lawyer called him and made it clear I had a lot of witnesses and that he was toast. Narcissists do not like their reputation to be negative? There were no children and no real property and the whole thing was over right away. You need much more preparation or you might find he does damage to the house. He might not hurt you but he might do damage. If you cannot move out bring someone strong to live in the house with you two. Tape record conversations, have the new 'roomate' be a witness, and think about having the person who moves in to your house be male. Narcissists abuse women but they do not abuse men unless the male is vulnerable- like an employee. Get advice from lawyers who volunteer to serve TRO restraining orders. this, in many states, is a service done free by lawyers as a BAR Association community service. These lawyers have a lot of experience with the re-actions that abusers have when they are served with divorce papers. Every action has a re-action make sure he can't freeze your bank accounts, try and protect any real property, take jewelry and other personal property you value to a friend for safe keeping, be aware that every time you call the lawyer they charge you and you can run up such a huge bill you can lose your house. You have to do it but do it smart.
June 30, 2008 - 4:54pm
Lisa Scott (not verified)
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Hi Donna, Wow, I'm so sorry

Hi Donna, Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds horrible. The law in the state of Florida is really limiting in this area. Do they not recognize mental abuse? Narcissists are master manipulators and use this ability of theirs to push you to the edge of your sanity. You should not have to live with him right now. Are there any other options? Can you move in with family until he is gone?
June 30, 2008 - 8:04pm (Reply to #2)
donnaO. (not verified)
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Hi Lisa - thanks for the reply

I don't have family close by....however, I have a plan and I hope it will work out. I have a friend leaving for vacation the same week that I am having him served with divorce papers. She will be gone for about 6 weeks, and needs a housesitter.....So I hope and pray that she did not find anyone yet!! Will talk to her tomorrow. Walter, my N is going to SC from the 16th to the 19th of July. While he is gone, I will get everying out that I value the most and put it in storage. They I will leave. He will be quite shocked to see what is in store for him when he gets home!! I know for a fact that I am in for a VERY HARD time!! Thanks for listening. Donna
July 2, 2008 - 7:10pm (Reply to #3)
Lisa Scott (not verified)
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Hi Donna, Good for you!

Hi Donna, Good for you! That sounds like a good plan. Stay strong. It will be hard, but every time you're overwhelmed by it, just tell yourself, this is the last of it. Just hang on knowing this will be the last time you have to deal with him. You will be so glad you did. It's worth the hard work. You can reclaim your life again! Best, Lisa