2 weeks NC - constant thoughts of him with another woman.

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#1 Jul 20 - 8AM

Happy1

2 weeks NC - constant thoughts of him with another woman.

Hi!
I thought I would feel a lot better 2 weeks NC but I know this is a very long journey. I think my biggest trauma right now is not me seeing him again. It's him moving on with someone else and sharing a bed with a new woman.
I think I also might still be in the shock stage of this really being the final break up. It really has happened so much that it never feels over.
It hurts to be discarded and never thought of again. It really bothers me a great deal today thinking of him with another woman. I am really having a hard time with it and these thoughts are what has driven me back to him each time. I know it's not as great as my imagination and my imagination is too good. I don't know how to get over being upset of thoughts of him with another woman. How have you guys gotten through this part?

#2 Jul 23 - 5PM

starofthesea

Nightmares

I'm going through the same, Happy1. My estranged husband has been energetically pursuing other women since the day I left 4 months ago - well, even before that. And what makes it harder is that they are invariably pretty, well educated, nice people, some of whom I know. He's too clever to hit on them in an overt way - he just gives them the same nice guy routine, gorgeous and saintly young pillar of the community, defender of the oppressed human rights lawyer who has inexplicably been dumped by his nasty wife. They all think he is wonderful, and who am I to tell them otherwise. Though I can't say I've not been tempted...And I torment myself with thoughts of eyes meeting and romantic strolls and the irrestible pull they will feel when he takes them to the same romantic spots we visited - even though I know how it will end, and even wouldn't take him back if he came crawling on his knees after all the things he did. I had a terrible sleepless night, tossing and turning and nightmares of him with someone else. I think it is just a natural human emotion to feel so torn up when someone you have loved and invested in emotionally is out there looking for a replacement seemingly without a care in the world. It's because we are the loving and monogamous people we are that it hurts like hell. We could play them at their own game, but personally I have no urge. I know this is a cliche, but I think to bypass this stage would be to bypass recovery - without wallowing in it, we have to suffer pangs of jealousy and loneliness, but it won't be forever. Good luck xx

#3 Jul 23 - 8AM

Rinalda

Why should N's get to "succeed"?

Happy1--It's a very difficult process, to be sure. Unfortunately, I work with my ex-N and the OW, which has made for lots of drama and ongoing heartache. I have watched him line up, bag, and, from what I can tell, discard her. I'm still jealous, even after his other "relationship" appears to be over, because nothing can change what he did to me (lied about her, cheated, played the two of us until I called him on it and got out). Thoughts of the two of them together just ate me alive and still make me anxious and upset. I know how the imagination goes to town. Sometimes at work I literally felt sick to my stomach. And all of this has made me insecure and self-conscious in a way I haven't been seen I was a young teenager. For a while, I constantly compared myself to the OW, seeing "flaws" and imagining that HE compared me to her, too. The OW, who tolerated his obviously cagey behaviour, is a whole other story. (She's an obnoxious woman who went for him when he was with me). But that the N should always get what he wants, should "succeed," is beyond frustrating. We can work on getting over them and must realize that the next person isn't going to have it any better. But why should these assholes feel so good about themselves while we feel badly (depressed, in therapy, etc)? I'm positive that my ex isn't worrying about whether HE measured up (though I do think he is insecure about himself, too, in some ways).

#4 Jul 22 - 8PM

smileyfacepr

Hi Happy 1

That was the hardest part for me, I have been no contact 1 yr..yayyyy to me...but the thoughts of him w/another woman (although I dont know if its true or not)he did not leave me for anyone...but just me imagining would drive me crazy and cause me to be anxious and sick to my stomach...it does get better but it takes a long, long time, be patient! To help myself out I would tell myself, if he is w/someone let her have him and all his issues and problems!!! This is a long and very difficult journey, just love urself!!!! good luck

smileyfacepr

#5 Jul 21 - 2PM

ShaynasMommy

They are our future "sisters," but....

some of them aren't so bright 'cause there are those that you should feel sorry for, but still won't learn anything from their go around with the Narc. One of my ex-N's ex's still has a "friendship" going with him, even though he broke her heart and married someone else. She still follows him around on his FB page like a little puppy and has mentioned out loud (online) that the year they got together was the best of her life. Seriously?!?! How twisted is that?

#6 Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #54)

Briseis

Not all of our "sister" are

Not all of our "sister" are very bright :( Some are very broken and damaged, for a ton of reasons. How many of us have followed the N around on FB or MySpace or crept around in the workplace or classroom or gym just to get a scrap of attention? She's no different :( Even more reason to pity her. She is like a ghost chasing him. If the poor thing thinks THAT was the best year of her life, good god :( . By the grace of God go I. What's to compete with (as a ow) with THAT kind of pathetic, groveling neediness?

#7 Jul 21 - 4PM (Reply to #55)

ShaynasMommy

And by the grace of God go I as well

Absolutely nothing to compete with, your'e right. I do pity her. I would normally say something like "I can only imagine what she went through..." Only I already know.

#8 Jul 21 - 5PM (Reply to #56)

Happy1

I know... I guess I remember

I know... I guess I remember the honeymoon stage too well. Where he had me so duped to thinking he was someone else. I feel so hard for him. It breaks my heart again!

#9 Jul 23 - 3PM (Reply to #57)

Briseis

You fell for him hard . . .

You fell for him hard . . . so did I, so did we all :( I was completely duped. I was so duped that when he acted like a raging Narc I rationalized it or blamed myself and kept right on being duped. They are very very good at what they do . . . and until you get duped, and then recover, there is no way in Hell you can know how good they are. This is where we are all together. We aren't stupid. We are innocent. The hardest part is to forgive yourself for being an "idiot" and a fool. In my experience, this was much harder than getting my brain around what was wrong with him. The honeymoon stage was a lie, Happy. A carefully crafted lie. It was not real. You were in the full throes of romance and love. We know how blind that first few months of love is. It is an altered state of mind. It's actually chemical! You couldn't help it. And, you were "innocent". You'd never encountered a person like him before. How could you possibly know? These are the things that went through my head as I slowly (and still work at it) began to forgive myself. Forgiving him is like forgiving a volcano for erupting, so I don't go there. The end of innocence doesn't feel much like a gift right now . . . but it is one of the biggest "gifts" of healing from a Narc relationship. Let your innocence go. Being a grown up and being innocent is pretty dangerous, when ya think about it lol. Your eyes have been opened. You will get used to seeing what you don't want to see. And you will be so grateful to yourself, eventually, I promise :)

#10 Jul 23 - 3PM (Reply to #58)

Janet

Great post Breseis. Peace.

Great post Breseis. Peace. J

Peace. J

#11 Jul 20 - 8PM

Susan32

At first I was jealous...

When I met the OW, the curator girlfriend from Los Angeles, I was naturally jealous, despite the hell my ex-P had put me through. She had gotten away with telling him she loved him, she enjoyed his company, she shared her feelings with him without him getting angry, they weren't constantly bickering in public. But what's odd was that I didn't see her as a rival. I liked her. She looked like me... with some differences. My twin. She reminded me of a high school friend. She was the nerdy girl, wearing her retro glasses. I stopped going to lectures and concerts... and as I told my ex-P, it was for his girlfriend's sake, NOT for him (he didn't like that) It was also because I was hurt. Why inflame the feelings of pain? I started feeling bad for her when ex-P started hoovering me. I wanted to tell her... but I couldn't. The last straw was when the ex-P blew up on me when I congratulated him on his engagement. I WANTED him to be happy with her instead of being obviously unhappy with me. The last I heard, 9 years ago, they tied the knot and she had twins. His parents were living with him and raising his kids. Honestly, I don't know if the ex-P and the OW are still together. It's not my business.

#12 Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #48)

Happy1

Susan32

I like my N's ex-wife so I know they must choose people that are like us I'm guessing. I can't imagine my N changing but I guess my thoughts are that he won't do what he's done to me with the right woman. I could be wrong.

#13 Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #49)

Susan32

"Don't be jealous"

My friend on the East Coast's mantra was "Don't be jealous." She had gone from considering the ex-P the victim of me being "hysterical and love-crazed", to seeing that I had been the one emotionally abused. She went from being "feel sorry for him"--to having no pity when he accused me of being dangerous to children, and I lost my job with the teacher education program. My friend had some kernels of wisdom- Don't be jealous. Past behavior is the clue to future behavior. He treats ALL people that way (I found some bizarre validation when I found an essay by my ex-P on the Web, and he slams two colleagues BY NAME for criticizing his wording--yep, he shoved fellow philosophers under the bus) And this more applied to my situation- He treated you terribly as a student, what makes you think he'll treat his girlfriend any better? In other words, I was the Waitress Test.

#14 Jul 20 - 9PM (Reply to #50)

Happy1

Susan32

I don't want anyone to be treated as I was but I guess I don't want some woman seeing some great guy that I never had. Makes no sense I guess. You are right...past behavior is the clue for future behavior and I heard it gets worse each time. It's hard to imagine that.

#15 Jul 20 - 9PM (Reply to #51)

Susan32

What she also said

My friend on the East Coast spoke from experience--she had done some counseling, and emotional abuse was a common subject. She asked me if he had gotten worse over the 4 years, and I said yes. When I told her that he had wanted me to drop my friends for him--she was shocked. If the D&D hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to tell her that terrible truth. It was difficult for me to tell her that. She saw that it was abuse because he expected me to renounce my friends, family and faith for him (BTW- I didn't, maybe that accounts for me being alive?) The reason I didn't give up my friends was due to loyalty, they hadn't wronged me--and he didn't have a circle of friends as a substitute. No suitable replacement. My ex-Psychopath professor got worse with each year. My friend said he had Mommy issues--well, now that his Mommy lives with him and is raising his offspring--guess that kinda solves it. As for it getting worse with each year, there are those poor students. He was despised when I was a student--I guess he's attained He Who Must Not Be Named status.

#16 Jul 20 - 9PM (Reply to #52)

Happy1

Susan32

You were lucky to get out then if he's gotten worse each year. I think it's great you stood your ground and didn't give up your friends. I wish I would have done the same. I gave too much of myself. You were right to not do that and hopefully it has made you even stronger. You sound very strong and determined. 8-) Happy1

#17 Jul 20 - 6PM

Briseis

You've gotten some great

You've gotten some great feedback and support :) I can't add another thing to it except to be a little tongue in cheek :P Would you think longingly about the bacteria that left you to infect another person? Do you have any idea what kind of a bullet you dodged?! You are so DAMN lucky to be rid of him. What takes a while sometimes is to really SEE your exN as a Narc. When you realize this, and all that it means, you will thank God every day that he is GONE from your life. He could be with ten other women so gorgeous to put your looks to shame. You will be grateful. The women who "replace" us in the Narc's life are not our competition! They are our SISTERS. They are future members of this forum! They are victims, just like we were.

#18 Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #46)

Steph

"The women who "replace" us

"The women who "replace" us in the Narc's life are not our competition! They are our SISTERS. They are future members of this forum! They are victims, just like we were." I love this. What a great way to think of things.

#19 Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #40)

Happy1

Briseis

That's such a nice way of looking at it. They are not our competition but our future sisters. I will try to think of it this way. Very hard.

#20 Jul 21 - 9AM (Reply to #41)

Lisa E. Scott

Good point

I totally agree. This is a nice way of looking at it: "They are not our competition but our future sisters." Very true.

#21 Jul 21 - 1PM (Reply to #42)

Briseis

It is so helpful to US to

It is so helpful to US to look at it like this, you know why? It is empowering. We are not yet further victimized by a better looking, more successful OW who will tap into our exN's best qualities and get them out of him where we failed. How we look at things makes for the reality we live in, you know? Besides, it's the damn truth. The new woman is his next victim. We should feel sorrow for her, what she will go through. If you still have the fear that she will somehow "get" the good stuff we couldn't get from him, then you have not truly understood that this guy was a Narc. If you GET that he was a Narc, you would not feel competitive with the OW. You would feel pity and sympathy for her. If you think the OW is gonna get the "goods" denied to you, then you don't yet understand that your ex is a Narc. You would know that no one on Planet Earth will ever get those "goods", there are no "goods" to get from a Narc. I know I was pretty shallow there for a while :blush: . I just wanted the love and flattery, the "things" he brought into my life. The appearance of having a great husband. I thought those would make me look "right" to other people. Turns out no one really cares, they are too wrapped up in their own crap and I was the shallow one :( Anyway, just a slight shift in perception . . . a greater understanding of what it MEANS to be a Narc . . . and the obsessions about the OW become impossible to even have. Just pity and concern, empathy for her :(

#22 Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #44)

broken23

Love this...

If you think the OW is gonna get the "goods" denied to you, then you don't yet understand that your ex is a Narc. You would know that no one on Planet Earth will ever get those "goods", there are no "goods" to get from a Narc. So true. The first time we broke up, I was insanely jealous of his life with her, which he constantly threw in my face. I would look her up...stare at her picture wondered what she had that i didnt. He would constantly feed me bullshit about how she was such a nice girl and he wanted to change. Not...he cheated on her with someone, lied to her, then came back to me. I didnt know all this, but later i found emails of her pleading for affection and asking him how is he going to make this work. and i found emails he had forwarded everyone calling her a "phycho bitch". Oh yeah...because she demanded accountability. So this time, when there was someone, I didnt flinch twice at comparing myself...i truly understood that he is the problem. he was with me the whole time he was lining her up...so the end of my relationship came about because of lies/infidelity...but the beggining of their relationship is based on lies/infidelity. All of us get lies. There is nothing else there. I feel bad for her. She is 22 and he will mess with her head big time. I would never wish what happened to me to anyone.

#23 Jul 21 - 3PM (Reply to #45)

Happy1

Thanks guys! I will do my

Thanks guys! I will do my best to remember that she will not have it any better than I did and he will suck her dry financially and emotionally as he did me. I am trying my hardest to not think about it. II know I should just feel sorry for her. t's very hard though.

#24 Jul 21 - 2PM (Reply to #43)

rainbow1

SO true

I feel horrible for the girl that my ex is hanging around with. She thinks that they are dating, she is young, she was a virgin, and she goes off to college next month. He has been telling me they arent a couple, that he wants to be with me, and has been trying to sleep with me. He is going to break that poor girl's heart. I wish that I could warn her or be there for her but this will be an experience for her.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

#25 Jul 20 - 5PM

Janet

A number of things are

A number of things are helping me; one is when I look at photographs of myself where I look incredibly happy during my 4 years with him and remember what was really going on. It is so strange I look blissed out and yet the fights about his drinking and drug use; cheating etc... were happening at the same time. I keep needing reassurance on this point, but it is sinking in - past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. And that he is mentally ill or has a personality disorder (is not right in the head) and I have to quit applying the behavior of a normal person to the very abnormal guy. Hope that helps a bit. She will get her own special brand of his sick treatment. Peace. J

Peace. J

#26 Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #38)

Happy1

Janet

I guess I don't know enough guys to know what normal is anymore. I have made myself believe that what the N was doing to me is normal and now I have to figure out normal again I guess.

#27 Jul 20 - 2PM

enoughalready

Happy1

I was having a very hard time about this last year. The things that made me NOT think about him with another woman is how terrible he treated me throughout our relationship, how he lied and cheated and he'll do the same things to other women too. Why waste your time thinking of a POW (piece of work) as him? Plenty of nice, caring and compassionate men around. I understand the constant thoughts of him w/ others - when you find yourself obsessing about him, try to stop yourself and say you are way better than that and deserve much more than what he ever gave you! Staying NC- you'll eventually find yourself thinking of other things and getting yourself back again. I'm about 6 months NC and find I only think of him maybe a few times a day . Your mind will start to clear as long as you stay NC. Hugs...

#28 Jul 20 - 8PM (Reply to #36)

Happy1

enoughalready

Thanks for your encouragement and I have survived today so I'm glad I've remained NC. You rock for being at 6 months NC. I can't wait! Thanks!

#29 Jul 20 - 1PM

imabloke

Yes it is hard but...

I'm in the same boat... i think about my ex (her) with the boss. Now and then. They are probably out now have a lovely meal or a theatre thing or whatever... it lasts for about 5 secs.. and then i think about what i'm doing tonight and out tomorrow with a friend and fill MY life up with MY thoughts about MY life and so on... I'm now over 5 weeks NC... it does get easier.. I do have bad days or not as good days but that's normal. What I do know as fact.. is that whatever i would have done in the relationship (if you can call it that) or not done would have made no difference, i, along with all the others would get DD'd sooner or later. And the boss will get the same sooner or later. Keep up the NC.. you can't change him.. no one can. You're OUT now, it's someone elses problem. Think about yourself and your NEW life ahead of you.

#30 Jul 20 - 2PM (Reply to #31)

Happy1

imabloke

I think it's awesome you're at 5 weeks NC. I hope my days are where yours are now at 5 weeks. To only have a bad thought for a few seconds and fill with things of what I'm doing in my life is what I am fighting to do. Unfortunately, my life has been all about stupid head so I don't feel I have a life right now. I realized this morning that my every day was him and I feel like I don't exist anymore. I have to find out who I am and I have no clue. none! I felt my career was part of my identity also and now I don't have that either. It's a struggle right now. I'm glad you have such a good attitude about the boss because she is using him right now and when she has no need for him she will dump him. Keep on doing what you're doing. Good to hear from you.

#31 Jul 20 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

MsVulcan500

Happy

That's part of why it is so hard to get over them. They had our entire lives wrapped up in them. If we weren't wondering what they were doing or who they were with, we were wondering why is he mad or why isn't he calling. When that is all gone, we are left with a lot of free time. Time that we should be thinking about ourselves, our families or friends, but we don't. That's because we have been sucked into their drama and issues for so long that we have forgotten how to think of ourselves and do for ourselves. After a while you will start to notice that you are enjoying all of that free time. And you will start doing more for yourself. Not saying there won't still be times that you feel down, but you will be seeing a lot more of your worth again, like you used to before you met N. I am out over 10 months and things are really looking up for me in general. You will get there too and wonder why you were ever attracted to him.

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