15 months on and healthier but still hurting

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#1 Feb 6 - 7AM

badjer

15 months on and healthier but still hurting

I haven't been on here for a while; I have been trying to gather my thoughts and centre myself more than I did last year. It has helped a lot. Also working long hours in my job has meant I have had less time to think about Him and all the pain He caused.

One of the things I have been struggling with is the fact that I have kept it all alive in my mind for so long, when I know it is healthier to let it go. The crying has stopped, the wishing I had done things differently has stopped and I feel much stronger.

Yes I still feel the need to re-live the steps and points leading up to his final dismissal of me and I wonder if this is because on some level it still hasn't made complete sense?

I had a long chat with my Mum about it recently and she knew from Day 1 the type of man he was - she said "you can read him like a book." One of the things she observed about his conduct was his total and utter need for control, above and beyond any desire to be a better, healthier or more caring person within the relationship.

She said that when I went NC for 3/4 months the first time, that "nobody had ever dared" to do that to him before and the shock to his ego - the loss of control - would have been seismic. She said there was no way he was going to let it rest until he had exacted revenge or had the last word - one way or another. So he reeled me back in.

But she also said that because I was different the second time round, more aloof, she said he would have noticed immediately - and sensed my holding back. She said "for him to have had such control over you, and to know he was never going to have it back again the same way - would have been too much of a loss to suffer. He would rather not have you than see how much control he had lost and how far he had pushed you away. He couldn't face being in a relationship where you were stronger and where - if you walked again - he knew it would be permanent second time round."

She said his dumping me was therefore a childish need to "get in there first" and bring about the outcome he expected was to come at some point. It was his way of evening the score, even if it meant the end of us, period.

I still find it sad that a person should be so caught up in winning, but I also know from my own insecurities that it is easier to walk from a relationship, even if you are forced to because of the damage you have done, than to try and rectify a relationship you have damaged and where the control then rests with the other person as to whether they let you back in or not.

I guess he sensed I was not going to let him back in or trust him the way I had - and he saw a strength in me that hadn't been there before. he wasn't able to look forward and work on creating a stronger 'Us' because that would have meant maturity, compassion and selflessness from him.

For Him, it was all about having the upper hand, come what may.

It has been 15 months and I do feel so much stronger now. I wonder what I ever saw in him and I marvel that I put him on a pedestal for so long.

But, it has still taken me 15 months to get here. I wonder if he ever thinks of me or what I am doing? My mother said "I suspect that he will look back and wonder why he was such an arsehole and a part of him will wish he hadn't screwed this relationship up."

She was right about everything else, so it is not hard to think she may be right in her judgement about why he did certain things.

But is it normal to take this long to move on from a narc? It is strange given we were only together for about 15 months and I have had NC with him for almost a year.

Why is it taking so long to finally forget him? And why does my brain seem to scared of doing that? Is it because I fear I will lose all the memories that help me join the dots now? Is it because I fear that in forgetting him, it will confirm that he has moved on from me?

Any thoughts would he helpful.

Thanks & strength to all xxxxxxxx

#2 Feb 8 - 5PM

Makessensenow

My guess

is that to finally let go of the thoughts means to fully accept that it's over. Even though in our head we know who they are and how it will never change, it's hard to let go of the overwhelmingly positive emotions we had in the beginning. But ask your mom for us -- she sounds very wise!

#3 Feb 8 - 10AM

neverlookback

I also

have these moments, this I think is normal. I am also over a year out and I find myself still needing to heal and move forward. My moments of pain however are much different from a year back - I know I hold the only weapon that will keep individuals like this out of my life and that is my silence. NOBODY deserves a person such as this in their life- I am now living in truth and it still hurts but I compare that truth to his lies and pathology and I still come out ahead. For me it does not matter that he may think about me - it wont bring me more closure that's for sure and it wont change what and who he is. He wont think of me as a NORMAL person would, and thats the bottom line. We have to look and focus on the bigger picture here of what we left.I sent you a few clips for you to watch on PM that may help at this stage of your recovery. Keep on moving forward your doing GREAT x0x0x0

#4 Feb 8 - 8AM

sadderbutwiser

badjer, your mom

badjer, your mom is brilliant! everything she said is spot on! i am 20 months NC and it still hurts and i think about it all the time. i ended it, and i know that drives him crazy, but your mom is right, he won't come back cause he knows i am different and stronger now. when i blew him off, i was very unemotional and showed indifference. i'm sure that shocked and angered him. btw, he lives right down the street and still walks by my house when he doesn't have to. we live in a big neighborhood. he is a pathetic LOSER!

#5 Feb 8 - 8AM

janemarie

Im sorry but I cant answer

Im sorry but I cant answer your question being that Im only at this since Sept....but I did want to tell you that I think your Mom is a wise woman....I think it's so wonderful that you have her!!!! If I had only listened to mine...I wouldnt be in this boat. Now she is gone and I have no direction...I wish that for one day she could float down here and tell me what to do... You are very lucky!!!

#6 Feb 8 - 6AM

midnight7

Dear badjer, the brain can be

Dear badjer, the brain can be trained to prevent it getting fixed on playing the same negative emotional tape endlessly. I posted re this and the whole article on emotional memory and how to control it is worth reading. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/02/07/brain-changes-happiness If you are still playing a 'bad tape' in your mind it could be that your are continuing to blame yourself in some way. Perhaps for finding yourself in the relationship with a N and/or remaining so long. You were not to blame, you were abused and healing can take some time. The xN is not thinking about this or you at all. It was never personal any supply will do which is often so difficult to understand. Ns are devoid of feeling, they are the walking dead, living vicariously through others and draining their energy. Ns are only interested in supply - objects to abuse/torture to fill their empty existences and boost their ego. The N thinks of their supply as the enemy. It's always the N versus supply, in his mind, which is why they always need to D&D first, win every argument/conflict etc. The healing process is ongoing and it is important to keep feeling compassion for yourself, to keep gaining knowledge and insight. There were core issues that made you vulnerable to a N. It's important to uncover these and to work on resolving them to become a whole person. If you are continuing to feel the past is preventing you from moving forward it may be useful to seek assistance with a therapist or perhaps a one on one with Goldie to work on this and find peace? Keep strong.

#7 Feb 6 - 9AM

Jannie In the Sun

Still Hurting

I totally understand you feelings. I am in the same time frame and process. Glad he is gone, what did I see in him, etc. I believe that the man I loved touched the deepest part of some of my childhood wounds: invalidation, insignificance, bothersome, wrong, not deserving....etc. Perhaps that is why this relationship hurt worse than any other ever. Those wounds were always beneath the surface, subtly blocking my own sense of self worth. I think my exN just opened up an area of my life where I need to heal. I still hurt too but now believe that he was simply a catalyst in my journey toward self love and acceptance.

#8 Feb 6 - 10AM (Reply to #7)

badjer

Jannie, I think you are spot

Jannie, I think you are spot on. Looking back, I became fixated and obsessed with Him, for reasons that I now see were totally to do with my own low self-worth and feelings of need. He was such hard work - very much like my mother *and* father. My father could never be wrong. Ever. He would not speak to me for 3 or 4 years rather than admit to being hurtful. he simply refused to back down or show compassion - and He was exactly the same. The thing is, it takes such time and perspective for it all to fit into place. The more I anguished over that fool, the more he loved it - but at the same time knew he was essentially unworthy of my tears, angst or love. His own self-dislike meant he belittled and treated with contempt any demonstration of love for him. His belief that he wasn't worth it ended in his payoff - pushing me away as if to say "it was never going to work anyway." I have been there and done it myself. I look at him now and think 'you fool. You utter fool'. He is his own worst enemy - they all are - in terms of isolating themselves. Yes, they enjoy the power, but in the end it doesn't benefit them. They end up alone and devoid of true love - because they cannot handle or relate to it. It scares them. The expectation of reciprocity scares them. They only know emotional survival mode - which is to get their needs met in the moment that any particular need arises. The concept of reciprocity or consistency or meaningful involvement is beyond them. Also, they tend to lash out the worst and the most at those who get under their skin. Just as they got under ours (as you rightfully say, re-opening very old wounds), we too excite something in them to anger. I suspect it is our energy, zest for life and colour. It attracts them (they are vain enough to want it for themselves to prove they can win it) but they despise and fear it because it shows them up as being everything they are not. It is, as my mother succinctly put it, "twisted." To try and understand a person like that is more effort than it is worth. Are they ever truly happy? Not a chance. Their own negativity and self-loathing puts paid to that. They tell themselves that they are but deep, deep down they have a core of unhappiness, a void that cannot be filled without rigorous therapy. And to do that would take admission and acceptance that they are not perfect. Chance would be a fine thing to get somebody as tied up in knots as they are to do that. Better to heal ourselves than to try and "fix" somebody like that. xxxx

#9 Feb 6 - 8AM

onwithmylife

Badjer

i think your mother is right, and very wise about how the narc treated you, it takes a long time for us all to get over these freaks of nature. I spent 15 years with mine and only over 3 years out feel better, Mine was a total control freak and alwyays broke up with me first out of fear I would leave him. iI am very alone where i am so it has been a huge struggle to recover from him and have met no decent guy yet to start a friendship. Hang on, you will recover when you recover...........When i tried to reach out to him for closure thru letters, he sent me back hateful vile letters with all these false accusations, he is so sick mentally there is no hope for him and we must move on to save ourselves, we will, they will not..

#10 Feb 6 - 8AM (Reply to #5)

badjer

Wow, yes He always broke up

Wow, yes He always broke up with me first as a means of getting in there first. I think he also got a "taste" for it when I would go back pleading with him to give it another go or crying or leaving tearful messages. Oh wow the ego boost that must have given him makes my skin crawl. I guess deep down they know that when you walk, you are slowly, slowly coming out of the stupor and brainwashing. They know they have a limited amount of time left before you wake up properly. My ex used to say "I'm scared you will wake up one day and think I'm not worth it" and "you're too good for me." He pretty much said one evening "I'm scared it could happen again….." (me dumping him). For them, it is not about having an equal relationship - it is about them winning and being in control. Simple as. No amount of good behaviour or hoping they will change will make a difference. They only want the relationship so long as it is on their terms and benefits them. The minute they are expected to give something back……spells the end. Thank god I am not losing sleep or in a permanent loop any more. Those hellish days are gone. Sometimes a mother just *knows* the angle to take to make it all make sense, huh? You are not alone. You have friends on here and a means to talk it through. Try to stay positive. It is always darkest before the dawn xxxx

#11 Feb 6 - 7AM

Belle de jour

Badjer, I can relate to

Badjer, I can relate to everything you've written here. I'm 13 months out of a relationship that lasted 18 months. The only difference is that I'm NC for 40 days. I had been NC for 4 months during our break up but I had to find closure which was not wise to do with this kind of man. My mother told me of her bad feeling of him from the minute he saw him. She was always telling me that this is not the kind of behavior I deserved but I was too blind to see. I'm currently unemployed, so I wasn't so lucky as you in occupying my mind with something else other than the constant thoughts of him. Still, it is like an obsession. I do not miss him, I despise him for the way he treated me but I'm afraid that if I let go, I might forget what he's done to me and start thinking that, well, it wasn't that bad after all, was it something I did? Instead, if I keep reminding myself of his cruel words and actions, I feel confident and sure about my decision not to let him back into mylife. I know this doesn't help, I guess what I want to say is that maybe this process is something normal when you have experienced a relationship with a narc. SOmetimes when I feel frustrated and agree wtih myself that he is still on my mind, I try to remember that healing takes really a long time, some here say it takes 2 years and some scars never go away...

#12 Feb 6 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

badjer

Belle, I know how you are

Belle, I know how you are feeling. Not only did HE treat me like sh*t while I was unemployed and contemplating divorce, but it took me a long time to find employment and even now I am not doing what I truly want to do. I have been where you are, feeling isolated and redundant and having nothing to occupy the mind. It is a form of hell on earth. I find that my brain is on a kind of loop. I don't miss him and I too despise HIm for what he did, but I wonder if I feel more anger and shame with myself for letting it happen? It has also crossed my mind that maybe I am just an egotist who could not handle being dumped. But that would be more plausible if I refused to believe I had done anything to deserve it. I think what is so backwards about the situation is that He acknowledged he had been a w*nker, even grinned about it, but seemed blind to the fact that it wouldn't just go back to the way it was overnight, if ever. So when you stand up to them and say "enough", they have a tantrum and then use an excuse to bolt. In His case, he bolted because he feared he would cause us to break up again, so he gave the impression of doing it for us. It is warped. It was like he was saying "I hurt you, I was a turd, you didn't deserve it. but I'm not going to change. It will happen again. So I'm going to dump you into the bargain because I don't see a future for us." It removes any say from you and you end up thinking "why do you have to damage and control everything, right down to the ending?" It is messed up. It makes me furious to think about it now. It really does. You want to scream at them that you see through them, but to do that tells them they are still on your mind. I hope the rage passes and that soon enough I will reach indifference. I pray for it. Keep at it - we will get there xxxx

#13 Feb 6 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

Belle de jour

Yes, we will...it's anger

Yes, we will...it's anger mostly, of what was right there in front of our face and we chose to ignore it. The hardest part is to forgive ourselves...and the fact that we let them have the last word. Mine got away saying that I'm overreacting as usual, these things happen to human relationships and that he knew he was hurting me but it was not his sick ego doing that but the fact he had a hard time with himself (???, seriously what does this mean?). That I broke up with him, therefore it's all my fault. That he didn't manage to love me as much as I did and this will haunt him forever. He just wanted me to feel responsible for everything and comfused... When I think of his words and everything he's done I just want him to suffer.

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