12 hours nc. Please give support.

I am struggling. I am depressed and distracted. I am trying to keep busy. Yesterday, I hated him so much yet today I am considering pleading with him. I know the cycle I have been "broken up" with at least 200 times over the past 2 years. I know it is all ridiculous yet the addiction is still so strong. Anyone who knows me would be shocked that I am distraught over this TOTAL LOSER. Especially given that I have a good husband and kids. I understand I am repeating my childhood. I am working in therapy on all of this - but still I am struggling.

I hate that this is so hard. I hate him for doing this to me. I am mad at myself for putting myself in this position time and time again and continuing to go back for more. There is a part of me now hoping he texts that we are ok. I hate that I want that.

He is mean and cruel. Nothing about him is attractive to me anymore. The once fabulous sex has been nonexistent for 8 months.

Today he told me he needs a break from us because sneaking around is stressing him out and hurting his health. He named 3 other things that were stressing him out and then said "but u r easier to throw under the bus than those things.". He said he has been lazy and mean in our relationship lately because he is mad that I am married. Never mind that this wasn't an issue 3 years ago for him. The sick part is I can't tell if this is genuine or another manipulation.

I am sorry I am all over the place here. I am struggling.