10 days NC, have to return something to him...

16 posts / 0 new

#1 May 6 - 3PM

Tinker

10 days NC, have to return something to him...

am i looking for an excuse for contact?? i have something of his that's too heavy to send. was going to drop it in a box on his door step, no note. yes, part of me expects a tm or email as a result (i'm getting anxious and nauseated thinking about it). but then i go thru the CD thing (wouldn't it be great?? no, it wouldn't!! it would start all this craziness all over...he won't be nice, he'll be nasty, who knows?).

went away with my ex fiance for the last couple of days for his work conference and i found myself so sad about the N and all that's happened over the last 3 years. the hurt, the abuse, the weird sex, the insane reactions, the loneliness all still swirl through my head. it's only 10 days but it's so hard. all the negative things are so fresh but so are the excitement and happiness i had in seeing him.

anyone else want/dread the contact? should I just drop it off? wait a few weeks/months or get rid of it now? (i SO needed to be on this site and couldn't for a couple of days, talk about withdrawal!)

#2 May 6 - 7PM

Monica

Get rid of it asap

When I saw the D&D startng again (for the first time in the 9 months after I had taken him back FOR THE LAST TIME, I immediately blocked him from all avenues of contact and threw away all memories of him. Right into the garbage can. A couple of weeks later I found two cards he had given me with some "sentimental" (i.e. LIES) things written in them. I ripped them up and mailed them to him in a manilla envelope, no return address, no note. That was my last contact with him. It is true that it so much easier to heal and move on if you erase him from your life. No contact, no physical memories that will trigger your emotions or memories or feelings for him. I have kept a few things I like but they don't trigger me. Perfume he gave me that I love and some sexy underwear (which I will eventually wear for a REAL man who appreciates them and the woman wearng them!! HAHA narc!).

#3 May 6 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

Tinker

Monica

you are good, inspiring. how long has it been? at least u got 9 months in bet/ the D&D, this last one was the third time this year. i had an extreme reaction the first time, better the second and even better the third. still ridiculously hard! thank you too all who offered advice, love u all:)

#4 May 7 - 5AM (Reply to #12)

Monica

It has been since the third week in March....

Somewhere around the 23rd or so, I think. This time, I don't even feel the need to count how much time I have been NC!! I was 11 weeks NC before this last hoover, which lasted 9 months. The minute I saw this D&D starting, I hightailed it out of there and shut him out. Threw everything away that would trigger memories that would be detrimental to my health and peace of mind. I think that, when I took him back 9 months ago, I had set in my mind and heart that this was his LAST chance. He was on meds, in therapy, and truly seemed like a different person this time. 9 months it lasted. When the baby was finally born, it was still a soulless, lying, self-centered, arrogant, ignorant (he was not very bright), immature, life-sucking, lazy creature. I ended it FOR GOOD. I have absolutely no feelings left for him. BUT I will say that total NC and the cleaning out of all memories of him help a great deal. I highly recommend both. Block and purge!

#5 May 7 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Tinker

that's not long...

i wish i hated him more like you, it would be easier. while he's arrogant, nasty to me on occasion and abusive, i can't help but feel somewhat sorry for him. plus he presents really well in the beginning (or trying to win you back like yours) so i know he's out putting on his best face for this new woman. it won't last long, but still... i'm going to drop off the box on his door step tomorrow after brunch and be done. ever feel like you don't want to be ANYWHERE??

#6 May 7 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

Monica

Marissa...feeling sorry for him was my downfall

This is what kept me hooked, why I let him hoover me so many times, why I gave him that one last chance....I felt sorry for him. But I know now that it was all crocodile tears, all lies, HE brought on everything that happened to him and never accepted any responsibility for his actions. They do not deserve our feeling sorry for them, they are users and abusers and we cannot feel sorry for users and abusers, no matter what happens to them in their lives, even if they lose everything and everyone. I gave him one last chance and he showed me clearly that he would never, could never change. This is why I was able to shut him out so quickly and completely. But there were many, many times before this that I let him back in and missed him and wanted him back and LET him back in. I had just hit my limit, the straw that broke the camel's back. I do not pray for him even though I am a Christian. I pray for his kids. I pray for the next woman, i.e. next victim. He will continue to destroy lives. I feel sorry for the ones yet to come. Please let me know how the drop off goes. Please make sure you do it when you know he will not be there. It would not be good at all if you run into him. Drop and run. Then block and purge. It is the only way you will heal. No contact will allow you to look back and clearly see how evil he is.

#7 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

Tinker

Monica

oh God i hope so! i hope i'll be able to look back clearly and really see that i'm lucky to be free. i don't feel that yet. still find myself scheming to get back in his life (yes, now i catch myself but it's still there). he's done those same things to me that yours did but still for some reason felt that i needed him. i'm not a doormat usually, tough at work, but wow did he mess up my head:(. once they cross boundaries it's hard to go back and draw the line again. yours doesn't hoover?? your response came at a perfect time. i was thinking about how i was going to have to drive 45 min there on a sunday afternoon, and what if i did run into him or his gf coming or going? i remembered that he has a small business storefront that a guy runs about 30 min from my work. one day next week i'll drop off the box to the guy at lunch to hold for the N when he stops by. the chances are really small to nil that he would be there and at least if that happened, it wouldn't be so personal as his house and he wouldn't be with anyone. it's much safer and a better scenario for me. monica, thank you for checking back with me. it helps so much. i've been stressing about this small thing for a week but it's so good to have your feedback!

#8 May 6 - 5PM

onwithmylife

Marissa

Get rid of it, that is what i did with all the stuff the EXnarc left me 2 years ago when he was too much of a coward to leave me his new phone number so i could call him back to pick it up. Admit you just want contact with him, nothing to be ashamed of, but get rid of it, if he mentioned nothing about it. Possession is 9/10 of the law remember.....

#9 May 6 - 5PM

Steph

Get rid of it now, don't

Get rid of it now, don't think you should hang on to it for several more months....either trash it, donate it, or get a friend to drop it off for you. Stick to no contact:) xoxo

#10 May 6 - 5PM

Disillusionedx2

Is it a matter of life or death?

Is he asking for it?...get rid of it, it's not your responsibility to return anything to him, he knows it is there, NC is no easy feat but you must stand strong on whatever foundation you have already laid or come crashing back down into N~madness, you are conditioned for the crazyness and life seems mundane and boring without it, but, the hurt and abuse will not end if you continue to engage with N, so ask yourself, what kind of quality of life/relationships do you want in your life? It's apparent you don't want that or you would not have sought out ways to rid yourself of the madness...best wishes!

stay~strong

#11 May 6 - 4PM

findingmeagain

If it was so important to him

If it was so important to him he would come and get it. He left whatever it is on purpose how do I know because my ex N did the same thing. And he actually looked pissed when I brought him his shyt . Don't be fooled and stop having sympathy for him throw that shyt in the trash. Thats what I did to my ex N whatever he left went in the trash and that goes for the mail too.

#12 May 6 - 3PM

janine

Marissa

If you are asking yourself are you looking for contact then it is probably so. Are you checking your mails and phones half-dreading, half-hoping there is something from him? I'd been in the same situation trying to leave him that first time ages ago, let myself into his house making sure he was not in, sadness overwhelmed me and a week later I had him back. If you really want to stay away, why don't you simply wait until he asks for his things and have a friend take them there to spare yourself that pain? And never mind what he thinks about it. It is no longer any of your business, right?

#13 May 6 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Tinker

janine

you're right, that's the safe/sane thing to do. it's that "half hoping, half dreading" thing you mentioned that's doing me in:(...just trying to keep occupied, move forward, but i know that if i got him back, he's be even worse bec that's how it's been. it just feels there's no good way to turn...

#14 May 6 - 3PM

momoya

Proceed with Caution

Hey Marissa- My advice is to go ahead & rip the band aid off, get rid of all his things so it can be done with now rather than later... if you are feeling sensitive and grieving it is very risky for you to allow your self to see him. We are all very weak in the initial phase of break up and NC. Hats on to you for making it 10 days and heres to the next milestone - 20 days. Recently someone here gave a great piece of advice to keep your goals small in the beginning so that we don't feel so overwhelmed or pressured. We are here for support and encouragement to heal, so just know that you are not alone! I honestly can say for myself that at the start of NC I did want him to acknowledge me in some way. Sometimes we seek apologies that never come. Or we think we can get 'closure' from them if only they would cooperate! Either way, only you can know your heart. I say limit all interactions and go complete NC and try as best you can to keep that so you can stay strong. Drop off the things when he will not be there and do not leave a note, do not keep any doors open, close them now - firmly. all the best!

momoya

#15 May 6 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Tinker

momoya

thank you...i do feel i don't want to drag it out too much longer. thought about doing it at night but then he'd think i was stalking him (something i never did but he would accuse me of frequently. he won't be there, chances are very remote that he'd be coming or going during that 30 seconds. i wouldn't leave a note. i panic that some OW will be there. he's 45 min and i don't have anyone to drop it off. way too much thinking! ur right, over and done:(

#16 May 6 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Disillusionedx2

this could make things worse for you

If you attempt to drop it off and see something/someone that will crush you even further then your ten days are in vain, it's never really about any "objects" when it comes to these guys, it's about hey! I haven't had any contact with you in 10 days don't you even care? Unfortunately with these types, everything that's normal, such as closure, apologies, taking responsibility are just not possible, of course we as non-N's find it hard to conceive but it is so, it has to be sought in other ways and just let go this time, it's not you (us) it is them, and sadly there is just not much to do about it. NC is hard but manageable, trust and believe that as time go on it will get easier, stand firm, it is very early on for you, but it really does get easier.

stay~strong

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