Why do they abandon abruptly and then go silent?

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Mar 21 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
ifinallygotit
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Burrito

This is helpful! Especially the last part about his version of missing me = torture me. I am concerned about my reactions being so out of touch with my real emotions: horror. I kind of made excuses for his abandonment in my final email "we were too close to face reality or say good bye but this does not excuse your behavior"...wrote this before I realized we were never close...he was partying and having new sex and too busy or too mean to bother to tell me he had moved on. This is also embarrassing because we are not young!!! His behavior is so juvenile...and then my nice girl crap is pretty sickening too - its fake. I never told him off for abandoning me... This is over 10 years he blew off without a word, not one of his quickies...
Mar 21 - 5PM (Reply to #25)
ifinallygotit
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new supply

He seems wildly excited about his new supply. He never ever posted a pic of himself with a woman on FB before. He is very private. This means after only knowing someone a very short while, he is using her to boost his image to his many fans on FB. She is like a caricature of what fake plastic sexy would be. His children are on FB and apparently he was more excited to show off this prize than consider their feelings. She is throwing herself on him looking up to him as if idolizing...gross. I believe his self-esteem was very low with no real job and used to be a rich big shot. I think he is running wild with some $ in pocket and excited to catch trashy ladies! i do believe he absolutely tossed me (in some weird way, I feel like the disapproving parent or mother who got left behind when sonny boy ran off to college to party, do drugs and run wild with women). This is the lifestyle of his past when he was a pro athlete 16 years ago. This is familiar comfortable territory for him... I was busy trying to build a real relationship while he was just biding his time, waiting for the opportunity to jump back into his old game and lime light. i can see where the attention would be addictive....
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
ifinallygotit
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keeping me around while getting new supply

I believe he started up with a new woman after only 6 weeks but I have no proof. I alos believe that he was too lazy to make the effort to maintain long distance. Also, a long distance relationship would not be on his terms. He likes to call the shots of when he will see a woman and for how long. If you fly in for a weekend, you are interrupting his control of his time and space - he would be stuck having me for three days straight - he would have to make sacrifices and give up primary supply bigger fun - this could not work
Mar 21 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes. Its about control,

yes. Its about control, laziness,new supply and keeping the door open. When I asked him if were over he said NO its not over. Ill be in town to spend some time with you and I never heard from him again. This is a man that I have known since age 17 and I have been pregnant with his child. Are you kidding me???
Mar 22 - 12PM (Reply to #22)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Control

I just don't get how he benefits from the control thing. Mine feels more like final abandonment then control, other than he is controlling no closure which makes me feel horrible. When I broke contact recently he sounded like a sad little boy who said "yes" to everything. not the big mean tough guy...Does he REALLY feel nothing?? Is my ex just a polite well mannered Narc? Why not have a peaceful friendly end if it he does not want it to work? What is so bad about that? Why treat like enemy when we were not even fighting? I do not think he has ever gone back to or "hoovered" and ex. I think he destroys people too much for there to be any fun to return to.
Mar 22 - 12PM (Reply to #23)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ifinally, it is designed

to keep you on the hook. The control comes from the lack of closure. You'll always be second-guessing...until you say NO MORE! It's really horrible. I know it firsthand as it happened to me. Mine vanished, but not before changing his phone number so I could be left twisting in the wind. This after leaving my home after a big talk and a note that said 'I love you' He even said we'd get together the next evening for dinner...silly me! The PRICK. WHATEVER. I urge you to try all that you know to let this loser go. Do not let him take any more of your precious time. He is so not worth it. Big hugs to you and good vibes for some peace. sincerely (finally slowing way down from) spinning... ...and actually feeling pretty damn good about it! :}

spinning

Mar 22 - 6PM (Reply to #24)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

spinning and everyone

it is getting a tiny bit better. I can go about my days and even smile now! But I still flip back into disbelief, maybe not so often, but almost every day. I really thought we were in-love! I wrote a closure type email a few weeks ago saying I accepted the break up, that it is ok to break up, for the best for both of us but unhealthy to pretend we did not break up and that both our lives under went huge change (maybe not his - he is in a town he already knows doing his thing). He did not respond but I guess he knows that I am not trying to get back together...but maybe any supply is good and he knows I still care and am thinking of him. I do not feel like he is silent to leave a door open but more so to avoid the bad deed. Things are going well for him since the move: more $, job, new sex, involved in charity, blah blah while I have been devastated. My eyes look different now...like a scared animal... I am spending alot of time trying to recover and falling behind in my work as it is a priority! I can say that I am now obsessing more about getting educated here than I am about him! Thank you so much for the support - I am learning so much from you women!!! I hope to be able to have more to offer back in the future...
Mar 21 - 3PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

They can do this

with such ease because when you are dealing with an individual who literally does not have a conscience they can walk away and erase you from their mind. Since they dont bond with anybody or truly love anybody there is no emotional aftermath for them NONE. This post can assure many of us about their OW we seem to think is getting something we never got. Because guess what? They can do the same thing to her. No wonder we are feeling so ALONE and EMPTY when we leave a relationship like this, who the hell wouldnt they went from the most wonderful man we had ever met to the WORST human we ever encountered, the relationship just didnt have problems like a normal relationship that ends, this relationship was very very unhealthy from the first day we were the ONLY ones that ever loved and bonded they were there only as long as we provided supply and amusement for them. When they ignore our calls, texts, and give us complete silence do you know what that tells me? They are nothing but COWARDS, they arent even MAN enough to face up to the fact they go around f---ing over good decent women. Maybe this is their way of hiding from the damage they do to us, so they just run away. They go from one hunt to the next once they have made the kill the fun is all over for them, that is their drug to see how many women they can get to fall in love with them. Imagine yourself going thru life mascarading as they do, while I was making passionate love with him, sharing my love, body with him he FELT NOTHING on that level, it was all an act, I might as well have been making love to a fricking plastic man doll.
Mar 22 - 5AM (Reply to #18)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Girl I feel you...

Girl I feel you...

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Mar 21 - 4PM (Reply to #15)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nerverlook back

you make me laugh, we must as well have been Barbie to his Ken, althoyugh /Ken is probably lot nicer fellow! The exN arc had 5 failed relationships and it was always the womens fault, how statistically can that be possible from so many different women, that is why he never remained friends or even contact any of the women espcially his first wife, whom I am great friends with, and she has helped so much. When I was still with him, he said something about her and I defended her and you could tell he was ready to lose it but this time he did not. It ate him up, you could tell though.
Mar 21 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

was it you

that posted a link I clicked on and i read where they are great MASTER BAITERS, HA HA oops I mean masturbaters I thought that was clever.,
Mar 21 - 4PM (Reply to #16)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

onwithmylife

why do I make you laugh? I make someone laugh when i walk around crying all the time, now that is funny. Barbie and ken, ya but ken didnt have a penis, ha ha ha anatomically that ken doll was never right. ha ha Ken is a bit too perfect looking for my tastes, I like men who have a few physical flaws, oh thats right ken doesnt have a penis, Either did my psycho what good does it do to have a penis if it never worked half the time? I also felt I was with a plastic male doll.
Mar 21 - 3PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

It is so hard to handle the

It is so hard to handle the "shut down" form a narc .. the way i look at it is because they dont have feelings they have thoughts instead .. so they think they love you , which is a thought right not a feeling and thought can be changed with the weather .. ie .. tonight i thought i would have beans with my dinner but i changed my mind and had peas instead , thats how they view love . When a normal person says "i love you " it is the words to back up the feeling we have but when a narc says "i love you " its the words minus the feeling.It takes a long time to get youre head around this as there is a disbelieve that there are people walking around with this disorder but this board is testimony to the fact there are quite a lot of psycopaths around ... sadly . In time and with reading you will see that ANYTHING they say means NOTHING and you should certainly never take it personaly .. its has nothing to do with you , they where made that way and missing a huge chunk of humanness . Its not called a "disorder" for nothing . xx
Mar 21 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes scoop that exactly right

yes scoop that exactly right but the weird thing is they believe it. Its true to them at that moment
Mar 22 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

sick of it , it feels true at

sick of it , it feels true at the time but if you really stop and think about it dosent it feel too good to be ture , dont you feel as high as a kyte when they turn on the "love" , this should be a huge red flag to us , it is i think wrapped up with positive renforcement and mind controle , they essentaly have our emotions in their hands and while we are fixsated on them they could just about get away with murder .. many have .. It called "love bombing " which is also used by religious cults , we just have to look at Jones Town to see how good people can be "loved bombed " and brain washed in to actualy killing themselves . the simple truth is although it feels real its not , if it where real he would still be here wouldnt he ? he would be at youre side and you would have never found this site because you where living the dream . The pain and anger at realizing you where played apon by a psycopath is almost unbearable , it takes many months , if not years to heal from .... but rest asured that in time you will see him for what he is . xx
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Scoop - on saying I love you

This helps - this makes sense to me. He always said "I guess I love you". It was weird that he would say "I guess" - like how can you not know what your feelings are after years? But if you do not have real feelings...you may be guessing that this is love! It is really sad, but I need to take care of me now... He was extra nice, loving and sweet the last few weeks we spent together before I went on vacation and he left town. I was never happier. It seemed like he had stopped fighting our love finally! Big big mind F
Mar 21 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Can't make sense of

the senseless. They are not human. You are correct: 1) it does not feel good to be "dumped." That's why they do it...before you get the chance. You are allowed to feel hurt, you would not treat another human being with such head-scratching cruelty. 2) It is a crazy N abandonment. This is what they do. 3) It is not what men do when they love you. Now that you know these things, you can work on processing it, getting it out and moving on knowing that you will be MUCH BETTER OFF without this chaotic, unpredictable, unreliable destructive force in your life. Ifinallygotit, I can see you are starting to "get it" in that this person is not good for you, not good for anyone. The pattern will keep repeating over and over, like a record stuck in a groove. You, however, are getting it that he's a loser, a coward and someone you'll be happier without. Great work so far. Keep it up. It will get better. sincerely (finally slowing way down from) spinning... ...and loving it! :}

spinning

Mar 21 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Silent Treatment

Why dont i give you his number and you can ask him! The Silent treatment is a form of abuse! Once they are done with you, it's to the trash! Ideal isn't it? From grown ups no less.
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

Ideal

Knowing it is that simple helps: abuse is abuse! no reason needed, Thanks
Mar 21 - 2PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Silence

I'm in the same place as you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this. After four years of thinking we would be married and have babies and be together forever, I found out about his five or more other "exclusive" relationships. When he knew the cat was out of the bag, that was it. He offered a few, "You are the only one I reallly loved" and that kind of thing, but then, after a few days, he simply stopped talking. He would not apologize and would not talk about it. He lived next door to me almost the whole time and his foster child still goes to my daughters' school, so I see him every day. We were going to adopt the child together and my daughters thought of him as their brother, but he is not allowed to speak to them anymore. The narc does not look at me, crosses the street when he sees me, and otherwise refuses to acknowledge that I exist. My daughter, eight years old is in counseling because of his abandonment. He refused to even speak to her or give her a note saying goodbye. He won't even look at my daughters when I'm not around, won't answer when they say hello. I even had major surgery a month ago and the doctor told me to make my peace with anything bugging me and to mend anything I wanted to mend, "just in case," but he would not even respond to a letter about that. Nothing. It really is very disconcerting. It hurts but helps me to look at photos of us together, and at cards he gave me--just to assure myself I didn't imagine the whole thing. The pain is really sometimes unbearable. Please remind yourself that he is: trying to make you believe you are unimportant trying to make you feel stupid trying to pretend he didn't f*ck you over and/or just doesn't care Just remember that there is no way you can understand what he is feeling or why he is doing it, because he doesn't even know. He just knows he has to win, that he can't be wrong, and that he can't feel any real feelings.
Mar 21 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

helldweller - other women

That is horrible pain to face - to know you were one of many. I do not know of any other lovers he had (except one before we were exclusive in 2003 and he abandoned her, she told me about it and said that he never was with just one woman). I am glad that I will be spared the truth of knowing how much he did or did not fool around when we were together because this right here is enough pain for me to handle right now - abandonment and him flashing a new GF on FB shortly after. She may be nice but looks even more superficial than him...he was not the brightest tack in the box.. Back to silent treatment: the lady I met who he dumped in 2003 had the same questions: She said he refused to ever speak to her again even though she had done nothing wrong him to but he had done something bad to her (wrecked her car)...She was a drunk so I did not pay heed...
Mar 21 - 2PM
Veronrose
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ifinallygotit

I am sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for responses to your post, because God knows, I have the same exact questions.
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Alisa
Alisa's picture

Same here. A lot is starting

Same here. A lot is starting to make sense though
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Yep, Alisa, for me too.

Yep, Alisa, for me too.
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sense out of Non sense!

Sense out of Non sense! Lucky Us!! Idealk!