dainmn's story

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#1 Mar 20 - 1PM
dainmn
dainmn's picture

dainmn's story

Hello .. I am a 48 year old widow (of 3 years) and met P on match.com. He is 42. He’s very good looking and very confident man. He was fun and exciting and we had all the same interests. We met Apr of last year. I contacted him first…so he didn’t pursue me. The night we met he said he was taking himself off match and wanted to see me. So we started our relationship. We were sexual right away…had that chemistry. I pursued him in that way. He wanted to start spending nights early on but my daughter was still home and was graduating HS. I told him we needed to wait.
We were together for a total of 6 months. I was completely hooked.

A couple of months into the relationship he confided in me that he was in prison for 7 years due to theft and swindle. He was employed as a manager of car places and he stole thousands and thousands of dollars. He told me he had another child that he gave up his rights to but he changed and really wanted to be a good man. He said, “honey, I am a good man.” He was upfront with most everything but also said that the past is the past and didn’t have anything to do with us going forward.

He told me early on that he felt like my daughters were his own. He wanted to do family gatherings. We had BBQs at his house and my house. He met my late husband’s family and they all liked him immediately. His youngest daughter loved me and asked if I would be her stepmom soon.

Some quirky things he did were bringing up flags for me (I should have retreated FAST after he told me about the prison time). He always lifted his shirt in front of women and liked to be looked at, it seemed. A couple months into the relationship we talked about riding a Harley. It was his dream and I wanted to ride too. He looked online and found one for sale. His dream bike. I told him I would pay half. We went to the home of the person selling. He saw it and fell for it…we decided to go and get a bite to eat and come back to tell them if we wanted to purchase it. He said that he didn’t have half. I said that I had enough in my checking that I could buy it. So, we did. He told his family/and few friends he had that he drove my bike because I wanted to ride. He signed for it and put it in his name. (my stupidity)

He called us “one” and that we were going to be together for the rest of life. We were meant to be. He said I made him feel comfortable and safe. He said that I was his life.

He started calling my money our money and my mutual funds our mutual funds. He referred to when we sell our house (either his or mine) then we could buy the house we wanted. We talked about lake homes. We found a beautiful lake home. I was going to purchase it and put it in my name because he didn’t have anything. He said that’s fine, but he asked what happens with his investments he puts into the house and over time if we didn’t work out he’d be left with nothing. I told him we could modify as time went on. He also said something once that didn’t set well at all. He said that I need to tell him where all my financial assets were in case he needed to know sometime. I put my house up for sale. (My house didn't sell and the other one fell through...it was a blessing in disguise)

We went to a wedding dance at a casino 5 months into our relationship. He was playing black jack. He lost $1400 and when we went back to our room, he laid his head in his hands and said, “I made a mistake.” He told me he lost it and asked if I’d cover for him. He wouldn’t be able to make his house payment and bills and he would pay me back. (His ex motherinlaw purchased a house for him that he was paying her for….he had nothing of his own) So I gave him a check.

At the wedding dance the next evening I was outside. He was inside…when I saw him he picked up my toddler nephew and was dancing next to my beautiful sisterinlaw in a line dance. I thought it was strange since he just met her and her husband. He just kept looking down at the toddler in his arms while dancing. It seemed soooo much like he wanted people to watch & admire him. I didn’t know quite what to make of that. Later while we were dancing he stared into my eyes and I’ve never felt so smitten before. It was like I was the only one in the room. The only other couple was my sisterinlaw and her husband. I kind of felt like he wanted them to see us….like he was proving himself or something. Just a gut feeling that I had. Then later her and her family went back to the hotel and he came up to me and said he should go back with them. I felt bad, he got mad and walked back to the hotel.

The next day we met them at the state fair. He put his arm around me on a ride. But when I looked back he appeared to be reaching for her shoulder. When her husband started a conversation he put his hand back so as not to touch her. I thought I was being jealous and insecure. When I brought it up to him later he said as much. But….later, she got into a new car they were showing. He opens the passenger side and whistles at her. He was very subtle about this…he said he was whistling at the car. Again….he said “I’m with YOU. I love YOU. I don’t want anyone else. I just like making people feel good. I was just trying to be friendly to your family.”

He had to have hernia surgery a couple of weeks later. He lost time on the job and wasn’t able to pay his bills. He asked me for $1700 to help him stay afloat. When I told him “what if I say no?” He responded with, “well…..I didn’t see THIS coming.” He was clearly upset that I wouldn’t do that if I loved him. So I did. Again.

I was getting pretty nervous by this time. I was going on a trip in Oct with my sister and her girlfriends. He said he wished he could go somewhere too. He was checking on flights to see his mom in Alabama. He hadn’t seen her since he got out of prison. He said the ticket is only $250 but he didn’t think he could swing it. Again, he didn’t ask for the money this time but I said that I’d pay for the ticket. What was I thinking??? He would always say when spending my money...well it doesn't matter...we will be one.

The night before we went on our trips he stayed at my house. The next morning he got up and got all ready and put this very tight shirt on and was admiring himself in the mirror and putting on his gold chain bracelet. I said, “wow….that’s a tight shirt.” He was worried he didn’t look good and liked to look good going to the airport.

Off he went. He only text me during the trip. He said I could call him if I wanted or was free to talk. He didn’t want to interrupt my time with friends. EVERTHING was starting to make me nervous. I told him when I returned that I wanted to sell the bike. He had a fit. There was no way he was going to sell the bike as he had attachments to it and it meant something to him. He would pay me for it.

I broke up with him. He sent emails and texts and asking why I would just throw us away. He trusted me and loved me. We were together on and off since then. I told my girls about his incarceration. So, we were going to get back together about 2 weeks ago. He said he wasn’t going to have any drama with my girls. He also said that maybe love isn’t enough and we should move on. Everyone was worried about me getting back together with him and was afraid he would drain me of all my money.

He finally got a new job as a manager in a car place (good luck car place). He agreed to make payments for the bike. He sent me a check for $1000 and is making payments to me over the next year. He said he’d rather pay me the interest than an institution.

I got in touch with his exwife (number one) and we had a 2 hour phone conversation the other night. He was married to her for 3 years. She ended up having his son (who he gave up parental rights to) and lost $25,000. His son was 3 months when he left. He got (exwife number two) pregnant a couple of years later. He was imprisoned when his youngest daughter was 3. When ex number one found out he was earning money, due to the principle of everything, his wages are garnished $50 per month for the next 20 years or so. She said he always needed to have money and things. Her parents sent them on a cruise, etc. She said she could fill up a week’s talk show with everything that happened in their 3 year marriage. When they first met he sent her flowers, bought her expensive jewelry and everyone thought she found her prince charming! It was probably stolen money. His 1st ex wife’s mother said early on that she thought he was a psychopath. He has never tried to have contact with son. She said that when he left and when his son came looking for him when he was 18 he would say it was his mother's fault for them not having contact.

He always talked about us going on a cruise. Even 3 weeks ago when we were going to get back together he said he thought we should get away….just the 2 of us. He wanted to go on a cruise. I told him that if he can afford that AND pay me the bike payment ok. He said, nevermind, I don’t need to go anywhere. He always said things to make you feel bad for him.

2 Days ago I ended it. I was going back and forth wanting to find the man I thought existed. He doesn’t. His ex number one said she doubts that he will steal again….probably from the new company. The new company doesn’t know about his past….no background check. Some things that I have learned are that psychopaths will say anything and probably believe all the lies they tell. He feels entitled to having everything, whether or not he earned it. He is not able to feel real love. The next woman will probably have to go through the same thing unless she pays attention to the red flags earlier as there are SO MANY. He is just way too charming and cute and handsome and fun. But he isn’t able to show much affection – his body language tells a lot. He doesn’t like to hold you and comfort you. He wants someone to take very good care of him. He can say it all in words, moslty written through text. But when it comes right down to it, he doesn't have the ability.

There’s so much more that happened. Good and bad. But I’m trying to come to grips with the truth of it all and trying to heal my wounded heart. The hardest thing is to believe that truth. I will institute NC and don’t believe he will try to contact me again.

The other day I missed him sooo bad (before NC) and I asked if we could talk. He called me and complained the 1st hour of the phonecall about his ex and his daughter (she’s 10). He also said that “this is what we need to do, we need to take it slow…talk, go out on dates like the movie or dinner.” He asked if I had plans for March 17 and I said I didn’t. He said we could go out to dinner or movie. Well, he didn’t call until the next day (yesterday morning) when he sent me a text saying, “how are ya?” and after a few texts back and forth I asked if he is seeing someone. He said, “why are you asking me that? It makes me uncomfortable.” I knew. Then he said “I care very much for 2 people” meaning me and her. I said I won’t be one of two. He still wanted to be friends…talk once in awhile, go on bike rides, etc.

I deleted his phone (and I don’t have it memorized) number and all text messages. I have his email address but I won’t be sending any email. I know that it’s clearly over. He is happy and living life with new woman and with all the stuff I got for him.

I know that this is best for me. But I am sooooo depressed and anxiety ridden now and miss him terribly – or at least who I thought he might have been. I am going to see a daughter of mine out of state this week. When I return I need to see my doctor to find something to help me get through all this. My hair is thinning, I have aged so much in the last 6 months. I lost my job – couldn’t focus on anything except him and all the anxiety I was having. Flags. I have lost weight and feel like my teeth are rotting. I have no health insurance now and thankfully have some money to use for health concerns from husband’s death. For those of you with experience like this….any timelines on stress relief after going NC?

It's tough managing the Cog-dis of how sweet and kind he was to me all the time. Called me his honeypie. We didn't get to a point (other than the money and his odd trance-like stares at the ground when encountering a woman in a store) of fighting or anything like that. All my anxieties about whatever it was called made me flee.

Thanks for letting me share my story. I am reading so much about so much. Sometimes it's helpful - sometimes it's painful. I just want him out of my head forever!

Mar 31 - 7PM
dainmn
dainmn's picture

Going to see psych...

Just returned from trip to FL to visit my daughter and grandson for a week. Normally, I would have relaxed just being in the tropics after a long cold winter in the north. I didn't...I was tense the entire time. I remained NC. He sent me a text saying that he found something for my vehicle (that I need) in his garage. When I saw his text I was almost like on a "high". I wanted him back soooo bad. I told him I missed him so much. He said, again, that he would want to take it slow and that I wanted all or nothing. He is seeing someone else so it really doesn't matter....it's done. He said he was scared of me because I was on and off with him. That is true. Am I the psychopath? What is WRONG with me?! (My daughter nearby my home said she would go and get the car cover.) Back in FL I sent a text asking him how life was. He said that he was fired from his job (they must have done a background check). Tomorrow is pay day. He agreed (his plan and I agreed) to pay me monthly for the Harley that I bought. I will check the mailbox tomorrow for the check. I am assuming there will not be a check. If there is, I'll be surprised and know that probably won't last long. If there isn't. I don't have any energy to fight...but I need the funds. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist (this is my worst nightmare of my life - I always thought how horrible it would be to need phsychiatric care)for Monday. I am so tense and turning into a hermit. Can't stop crying and can't sleep even with the lorazepan that was prescribed. I hope and pray that I will get meds that work to help with the major depression and tension. I want nothing more than to be able to function like a regular person once again. My jaw hurts terribly from clenching. Even when I go to sleep I feel my body is tense...it cannot relax at all. I've tried zoloft before and that made me feel like I was on a wavy boat - terrible vertigo. Any info on similar experience? I know I have a combo of PTSD and depression with tension. I am numb to everything as far as emotions go. I feel absolutely nothing for anyone (even family)...I hate that! There is no joy and no hope. It's all I will be able to do to get through until Monday's appt. Even then, I know meds take some time. Has anyone had experience with meds that help to relax??? I'm trying to get all the info that I can since I don't have any health insurance right now. This is crazy to me. Up until recently, I've been a successful and confident person. Now I feel like I've lost my insides - everything has been scooped out. I've even lost my faith. Any ideas???
Apr 1 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ideas

Yep, See the Shrink, take the drugs, and stay away from guns and knifes at the moment. I have no bail money for you. I promise it will get better, NC is the only answer. Stay the course. Idealk
Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
spinning
spinning's picture

Dain, braveheart, it will

get better. The early NC leaves you with these feelings. Numbness, like you don't even know who you are any more. That's what happens when you're involved with a PDI. It is hell. What you are feeling right now is normal. And I am here to tell you that it will get better. You are already on the right path; seeking help and coming to this board. Early NC is really tough, but if you ride the waves you will come out of it with more clarity as each day passes. Please stay NC--this guy's a LOSER. Give yourself some time and go easy on yourself as much as possible. The PTSD and joylessness, numbness, is par for the course after what you've been through. If it helps any, the same exact thing happened to me where I was almost unable to function. And I am older than you, also independent, employed, self-supporting, in a resopnsibile position, etc. Dain, if you stay on the path to healing and losing this guy, I can attest that you will slowly find yourself again. I am almost 5 months NC and though I'm having a bit of a setback this week, people have noticed over the past couple of weeks that I seem to be 'getting back to my old self' (and these are people who don't even know what happened with the disordered one I was involved with), so I know I'm making strides toward being whole again. I hope this helps. Dain, you are doing all the right things to move toward healing and to learn from this horrible experience. Like you, I had lived a while on this planet unaware that such selfish, evil, disturbed people existed. Before I knew it, it was too late...the hard cold reality made my head spin. Whatever. It's done now. You'll see. You will feel better. Big hugs to you, Dain. I'm pulling for you. sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Hi D, I've been taking Celexa

Hi D, I've been taking Celexa for about 3.5 mos. For the first 4-5 weeks I felt HORRIBLE on it! Panic attacks, vertigo, tingles on my scalp, chills....and my anxiety was 10 times worse! My psychiatrist convinced me to continue with it, citing that all those side effects were normal and would eventually go away (he prescribed me Klonapin for the beginning until the side effects wore off). So now it's been 3.5mos, and I'm SOOOOO glad I stayed the course. I feel MUCH better with the help of the meds. xo V
Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
dainmn
dainmn's picture

celexa

Thank you, V! This is the second person I've heard that takes Celexa. I really need some help. I'm hoping it's the right one for me!!
Apr 1 - 12PM (Reply to #16)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

Your welcome daimn! If you

Your welcome daimn! If you start the Celexa and start feeling weird (not everyone has side effects), tell your psych, but I'm sure he'll advise you to keep with it. Also, message me anytime and I will try to help you get through the initial side effects. I also found a good website where people post their side effects....I never posted but just reading helped me stay the course and realize the way I was feeling was typical for some people. I really hope it's the right one for you too!!
Mar 20 - 2PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dain

Welcome, They suck the soul out of you. Im sorry you are here. Just keep up the NC and I promise it will get better. The only way to get better is NC, You need to control You. I read your story and I have been on here a while. I didn't need to read the whole thing. Please re read your story. What would you think If i wrote it? You need to educate yourself, Read everything, we are here to help you. Ultimately this is up to you. You are driving the Bus not HIM. Stay away from this Man he will destroy you. This will be the fight of your life. It will be you or him. I m betting on you. Hugs Idealk
Mar 20 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Dain

Its been seven or eight months. I hate his guts. I really do. I would love to tell him where to go. I know how he operates and it will only hurt me. Since I kinda like me… I stay NC. Sometimes I still have bad moments but It 1000 times better. You need to understand his illness and understand that you come first. My story is here. Idealk
Mar 20 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
dainmn
dainmn's picture

Thanks Idealk. I've written

Thanks Idealk. I've written and read and reread my story and I think, was that really me? I remember feeling like I had the life sucked from me. It is the fight of my life. I know that with NC it has to get better, or at least not as intense. How long for you since NC and where are you at with progress? Thanks again for responding and hugs back!
Mar 20 - 1PM
dainmn
dainmn's picture

questions...

I forgot to mention that he was almost childlike. Always needs to be doing things; going to fairs, shopping, out to eat. We liked all the same TV shows and he would laugh and kick his legs on the couch. I found that to be so cute, but thought he was awful childlike. He always had these grand ideas about starting a business (with me funding him of course) and he would make it work with his know-how. He is smart! But I found out from ex #1 he lied to employer about not graduating HS and put that he was college grad on application from company that he swindled. Wierd thing is. He told me about it all....almost like he did want to start fresh and not base his life on his "Mistakes" as he put it. Maybe he does want to but it's deeply engrained in him that he is what he is?
Mar 21 - 5AM (Reply to #9)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

"mistakes"

All a pity play. If he is truly a psychopath, then he rarely if ever told the truth. You don't know the half of what he was up to. There is a thread of truth sometimes, bit that has been reworked to get what he wants. And, how do you know that some woman on match.com didn't run a background check on hism once & found the convcition. So now he "blocks the kick" & tells a woman up front. Also, telling her & then having her "stand by her man" lets him know that she will be compliant. You were only in it for SIX (6) months. Pat yourself on the back for catching on so quickly! This guy sounds really, really creepy. I would stay NC all the way. You'll be fine. You're just a bit ashamed that you were played by this man & lost money. You were hurt, used & taken for a ride. It could have happened to anybody. Tow woman have married him. Had his children. You, my dear, spotted him & got away fast.
Mar 20 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
TLSM
TLSM's picture

Mine was child-like too. I

Mine was child-like too. I believe that is one of the many symptoms of a Borderline. He sounds like a combo pack of Anti-social, Narcissistic and Borderline... Liars are just bad people, period. STAY STRONG!!!
Mar 20 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
dainmn
dainmn's picture

I'm trying very hard to stay

I'm trying very hard to stay strong. I can't stop crying when I think about him now being with someone else. It's horrible. NC day 2. Can't wait to post NC 100 and hopefully doing ok.
Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

DAIN

It is horrible, You are mourning a death. Fight, Do not contact him. I will get better. Idealk
Mar 21 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

Want to jump in and add

that you've made a VERY SMART MOVE, Dain. THIS GUY IS A MASTER! It's a WAY OF LIFE for him and you are right...THIS IS THE FIGHT OF YOUR LIFE! Good girl. Stay NC. Mine was a childlike user, too. A borderline who didn't think twice about living off the backs (and generosity) of others. A silver=spoon poor little rich kid perpetual victim, liar, cheater, loser. I've been NC 4.5 months and I'm here to tell you YOU WILL BE SO GLAD. You WILL FEEL GOOD about going NC. This guy doesn't deserve your thoughts. There is NOTHING TO MISS. He is an EMPTY SHELL. You already know everything there is to know. You were duped, big time. Like others here said, FEEL GOOD that you spotted this creep early on, before you were literally sucked dry. I know what you mean when you say you lost focus of everything except the chaos and drama of THE DISORDERED ONES. That's gone now and I feel so very much better. I am actually starting to like myself!!!! once again. I do not miss a ghost, a vampire, a zombie. I'm glad the leech is gone!!! I hope this helps. Your in the very painful early stage of NC where the Cog-dis is quite strong. Stay the course, try to shift the focus, read all the blogs they're filled with great tips and information, and stay NC. It will be worth it. You will feel good again. My heart breaks for you and for all of us who have gathered here because of inhuman treatment from non-human individuals. There is great power here. You will find help. You will learn and you will feel good if you're willing to do the work. Sincerely (finally stopping) spinning... ...and loving it!! :}

spinning

Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
dainmn
dainmn's picture

Spinning...thank you! It is

Spinning...thank you! It is most encouraging to hear that after 4.5 months you are doing so much better! I know that with all things time away from anyone does heal. It gives me encouragement to read that today since it's only day 3 of NC. His last message was that he had strong feelings for 2 people...me and the woman he's seeing. BS. He has strong feelings for himself. I don't want to dwell anymore. He's had my life for far too long and my thoughts. There's a part of me that hopes that he will reoffend his new job like he did before to end up in prison. I don't want that for his daughter who lives for him, though. She's a sweet sweet 10 year old that I fell in love with. I feel very sorry for her and the other child that he decided not to keep in touch with throughout his life. Sad cases some of these men are! Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you. It helps so much! :)
Mar 21 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
dainmn
dainmn's picture

The longest I have been NC

The longest I have been NC was 2 weeks. That was miserable. I know this work will be hard but I also know that it will save me from someone who would have taken everything. In 6 months I spent over $15000 on him. SICK! He is paying me monthly for one of the things that cost $9000. It's a bike that he said he "knows" it and it is his dream. Selfish SOB.
Mar 21 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

NC for 2 Weeks

Dainmn, You're absolutely doing the right thing for you and for your girls. Mine took a lot of money from me as well. They'll take whatever you're willing to give until they're ready to move on to the next victim. Sometimes I repeat this little saying in my head; he sucked me in and then used and abused me! I have no choice but to disconnect. I completely lost my will to live and that's not me at all. You sound like you're doing better compared to your original post, keep strong. xo