What a NARC said on another board about NC

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Mar 5 - 8AM (Reply to #37)
IncognitoBurrito
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Ah!

I can READ! Ha! :o) Found it! Thank you!!! http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/
Mar 5 - 7AM
alittledark
alittledark's picture

no sympathy

No sympathy from me. I am learning that because the ex-n does not have to worry about certain finances because he is sponging off his wife's family and due to the fact that he has no empathy...he does not need me and never did. OW are a dime a dozen and I am one of a dozen that he plays cat and mouse games with via email. I have learned that he is the cruelest to me whenever he encounters certain disappointments and let-downs and screwing with my mind when he is pouty and bored just gives him something to take his pathetic mind off his own unhappiness. He can eat my NC shit for the rest of his manipulative life for all I care...13 DAYS NC and loving every minute of his wretched unhappiness.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

Mar 5 - 7AM (Reply to #34)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

ALittleDark

Yes! I'm with you, here. Same deal, for me, to an extent. Although, I think I just forgot how many days I've had NC?! Noooo!
Mar 5 - 7AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Narc and no contact

I don't think anything has ever wanted me to stay NC so bad in my life! Thank you for this post!!! I know I should want to stay NC for my own sanity but knowing it might be causing him pain makes it that much better and makes me that much more determined. Thank you Trulybroken!
Mar 5 - 9AM (Reply to #32)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I agree, it gives me strength

I agree, it gives me strength to stay NC as well. Oh, my dance of compassion and anger, it's going to make me mad!
Mar 5 - 3AM
Used
Used's picture

truly broken

ive always believe this anyway, because if narcs cant be alone and always needing supply, then yes it truly guts them when we go nc, BUT they are the one's who cause us to go nc, but for our own sanity, i have no sympathy at all for them, and the one who wrote that is indicitive of a moaning whinging narc who got what he deserved, i have been 18mnths nc now and for most of that exn has been running about like a headless chicken, he has now got some old supply his ex, lets see how long that lasts. as for feeling they are dying inside, well i felt like that when i was with both narcs, i am glad they are feeling what i was feeling.
Mar 5 - 3AM
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

My ex N basically told me the

My ex N basically told me the same thing and that he has total self-loathing. I have to be careful not to fall into the pity party because I'm sure he's telling me this to manipulate me and make me feel sorry for him. That really is how they operate. Make us feel sorry for them and want to fix them. They aren't happy people deep down. The fantasy of him finding someone else and falling into real love isn't possible for him. He can't feel love like you and I can. His soul is practically dead. I take comfort in knowing that but I also struggle with not wanting to delight in someone else's misery. We were an engaged couple this past Monday, I ended it on Tuesday as I found out he had downloaded spyware on my cell phone and was watching porn movies right next to me at night on his iPad. As of last night, he's back on match.com. I don't know why I looked but I did. I really need to pray for the poor soul that he finds next. No doubt she'll be here soon.
Mar 5 - 3AM
really
really's picture

That's very interesting and

That's very interesting and makes perfect sense. I don't know about anyone else here, but I have to be very careful about getting too far into their heads. It makes me much too empathetic toward their plight in life and what they've gone through that leads them to function this way. Even after my experience with him, I feel drawn to it and wanting to help. Very strange, but at least now I know not to act on those feelings and that there is nothing I can do without putting myself at risk.
Mar 5 - 3AM (Reply to #20)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

The key here is to learn

The key here is to learn detachment with love. I struggle between compassion and hatred with the ex. AL Anon has taught me to detach with love. It's not easy and took me a long time to see my ex as a person, a soul who suffers horribly, and to detach from the behaviours. Every time I would go to my meetings, and walk in there and bad mouth my ex, the al anon group would remind me to show compassion for someone struggling. At first I was like "ahh, compassion, the asshole did......" And they would say "He's sick, you're here to detatch from that" There is no need to act on compassion, just send out quiet healing love to someone you once cared about in the hopes they find peace. My ex would look at me at times when I would point out his odd actions and really look confused because he didn't see it as wrong. Sometimes, they REALLY do not know what they are doing.
Mar 5 - 7AM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Trulybroken

Yes, the detachment with love I believe (and I have a hard on for some of the 12 step groups) is key...and as I'm learning more...it is a good place to try to get to because the universe the core is "Love" and that is where one taps into the positive feel good vibes... Not passion, not lust...but just genuine love as a state of being... And we probably won't get there on this plane...so much for the great "unknown" that we keep trying to grasp... BUT in order to heal, in order to get ahead...we have to keep on fighting the cd and the negativity and the hurt...and fill our vessels with the positive...love and light. Hugs!
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #26)
Used
Used's picture

disagree

My ex would look at me at times when I would point out his odd actions and really look confused because he didn't see it as wrong. Sometimes, they REALLY do not know what they are doing. YES THEY DO, my narc would proudly tell me what he had done to his exs and he would laugh, he would say well if they put up with it then i do it more, these morons know alright, after all they have been told enough.
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #27)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I think this is on a "per

I think this is on a "per case" basis, Not all of them know what they are doing it not right. It's not as black and white as we all would like to believe.
Mar 5 - 3AM (Reply to #22)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is the key

Detatch with love, because when I try to detatch with hate or anger he still owns me. I love Alanon, it is fantastic for learning to let go of these PD's. Obviously it was designed to let go of addicts, however, it works real well in learning to let go of PD's as well. A great book is: "The Language of Letting Go" Melody Beattie. It is only about 10.00 on Amazon and is well worth it. Goldie
Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Goldie

I also think that it would work because with PDI's in a lot of cases...they very much ARE like addicts in that they are addicted to their disordered thinking... They are fearfully obsessed with: Self Abandonment Inflicting pain... Whatever...depending upon the Personality Disorder...I think they ARE addicts...just not in the chemically addicted sense... The Narc for example IS addicted to himself...out of a basis of fear of abandonment. Their crap is so deeply rooted they have had to create this entirely FALSE persona as a means of self preservation...they're sick...and they've hurt us tremendously... But what else can you do? Other than try to get back to sanity and recover...in whatever way works...
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #23)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Goldie, all addicts have some

Goldie, all addicts have some form of PD. This is what most don't understand. Addictions are only a symptom of an underlying mental issue. This is why the 12 steps works better than any thereapy program for an addict. It's about spiritual work and spiritualy healing. In my opinion, I think most people should be in groups like Al Anon and I think everyone should be doing a 12 step program. It truly is the best free therapy. One of the reasons I always had hope/faith in my ex was because of all the people I met in AA and Al Anon and saw truly how these people healed from their issues. I sat in AA couples groups and heard stories of men who cheated, gambled their homes, left their wives and kids, who lost jobs, slept in dumpsters from having high paying jobs etc, talk about how they turned their life around and worked a program and got their lives back. The wife of our former group leader told me how her husband was realy sick. She left him and he went right into a program and changed his life. This guy now runs the weekend groups, the couples groups and has been well for 15 yrs now. I've seen healing with my own eyes, It can be done BUT ONLY if there is a willingness for spiritual change and only with the help of some recovery program.
Mar 5 - 8AM (Reply to #24)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Absolutely

No question, the reason I said that it is primarily for addicts and not PD's without addictions is because I don't want people who are dealing with someone who is not an addict to feel like they cannot go there and gain understanding, to clarify. Addicts often suffer from underlying causes, however, they are not going to be talking about that so much in Alanon as with learning to let go with love and taking care of your own self which is wonderful for the healing process of a relationship with a PD as well. I do not feel as strongly about ALL 12 step programs as I personally was hit on so frequently in some of the others that I do not attend anymore, however, for the most part Alanon is mostly women and I have never had that problem there and they tend to put the focus on themselves and recovery and not so much the addict. Helped me a great deal in letting go. Goldie
Mar 5 - 3AM (Reply to #21)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

trulybroken

your comments remind me of the Budda way of detachment with compassion and love .It has been 2 years out for me and I never really hated the man, but I can understand how you can feel, now I do feel sorry and sad for him because he knows not who he is.when i remember when he broke off with me so many times, I would try and practice detachment so I would not feel the sting of the wounds he gave me, it was very hard to do.I have always wondered how much they do and do not know of what they are doing?
Mar 5 - 3AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Truly broken

please tell us the link to the website where Narcs talk.thanks What you wrote is an incredible eyeopener, my exn is in his 60's with cancer, living by himself and the last letters we exchanged many months ago, he sounded very unstable and rageful, even more than when i was with him.It was like the mask was off his face.
Mar 5 - 3AM (Reply to #18)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

http://www.psychforums.com/na

http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/
Mar 5 - 3AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

He goes on to

He goes on to say........ "However, if he was really, really into you - if he can't stop idealizing you, and if he can't find a source of narcissistic supply that can replace you, this might very well happen - his suffering could reach a certain threshold and he might accept some blame and then his suffering will turn into self-hate. This is not real remorse, however, it's just rage at himself. "How could I be so stupid to let her get away?" - that's more or less what he'll think. Now, narcissists are constantly self-hating under the surface, it's just so deeply hidden that they don't even notice it themselves, mostly, but in that case, it would become conscious, which can possibly lead to serious psychological disturbances. And then he'll just turn even more arrogant and delusional about himself in order to cover that up. That's how we cope with the world. The more we lie, the more we suffer when we're confronted with truth, and the more we suffer, the more we lie to make ourselves believe that we have no reason to suffer. Most narcissists begin to come dangerously close to insanity when they've grown old, because this is quite a vicious circle that becomes ever more terrible as the years pass, both for the narcissist themself and for the people around them"
Mar 5 - 7AM (Reply to #15)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Interesting

"How could I be so stupid to letr her get away?" When I was with my N, he often seemed to bemoan the loss of the woman who preceded me. And,m when he was with my replacement, he seemed to idealize me to her. Although not necessarily bemoan loss of me(she would have left). In fact, their first physically abusive episode occurred when she stormed off because he made clear that I was more beautiful than her. I thought that this was related to "devaluation" & manipulation. I think they do bemoan the "supply" they lost. The extraction from one may be better than another,. And, I think he just grabbed any female body to replace me because I walked out, NC, & he didn't even know where I was. he was desperate. frantic. I think his comment that they cannot tolerate NC or abandonment is true. Mine was so fragmented & disorganized. but I think this is for those who have Borderline Personality Disorder among other things in the Cluster B spectrum. On this website I have read the stories of women who have been involved with psychopaths who have no borderline behaviors. These guys seem to have level & calm & for the woman perfect relationships. Then up & disappear. Remember Leah2? Wow! Horrible story. Perfect marriage for 5 years--then one day he's gone & has her sign divorce papers on the street & she never sees him again. Brings new meaning to the words: In Cold Blood. When she found out that he had replaced her . . . we never heard from her again. I wonder what happened to her in the end? Even if she's still alive. Sometimes victims of psychopaths do commit suicide when they realize how duped they have been.
Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Suicide

I hope Leah2 is doing alright. I think the ex-Psych professor counted on me staying in the Southwest so he could string both his live-in girlfriend&I simultaneously, just as Leo Tolstoy strung along Sofia Behrs&her sisters (he settled on Sofia because they had a strong sexual attraction), or how Prince Nicolai Rostov in "War and Peace" strings along Princess Marya&his childhood sweetheart Sonya even AFTER HE'S MARRIED. Leo Tolstoy enjoyed taking Sofia's sister Tanya to a ball in Tula that Sofia really wanted to attend... Nicolai enjoys having Sonya around as a housemaid/nanny despite the fact it annoys his wife Marya. The ex-P expected me to stick around. He wanted the triangulation, so much so he sabotaged my teacher education program... to which I remained NC. I agree with you that leaving town WITHOUT telling the N/P is the safest way to go. I left the Southwest without telling anyone, not even the classmates&professors I trusted. The ex-P must've sensed me cutting the cord, so to speak, since his live-in girlfriend gave birth about 9 months after I left. Very bizarre. "Sometimes victims of psychopaths do commit suicide when they realize how duped they have been"- There have been some suicidal incidents coming out of my college. An anorexic, depressed girl was expelled... what's chilling is that the ex-P almost drove me to that point. The young man who was hired my senior year to head the computer lab killed himself last year after troubles with the law&stealing prescription drugs. A classmate of mine, who was closer to the ex-P than myself, she stayed behind to be a professor. She was found dead in her sleep at the young age of 40... no cause of death has ever been given. My freshman year, the ex-P killed the nascent friendship between this classmate&I. During the final D&D, I dreamt this classmate&I reconciled. Now she's dead. No closure. During the final D&D, my friends were concerned that I'd commit suicide or attempt it. There were times I wanted to die in my sleep so the pain would end... yet I never had the urge to die. I wanted God to do that for me. His responsibility, not mine. I honestly think the ex-P wanted me to attempt suicide because that's what Natasha does in "War and Peace" when she finds out that Anatole, with whom she was going to elope, is already married. For me, the ULTIMATE revenge wasn't ruining the ex-P's career, outing him to his girlfriend, or trashing his office (there were times when I wanted to do those things, in a way)... but being happy and alive. I had gone from the girl who had gone around campus weeping, lamenting, secluding herself to being well-dressed, cheerful... even when I was heartbroken. It's like I wanted to rub my aliveness in his face, and use my happiness as the stake to drive into his heart.
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

I wonder?

Just who is this amazingly verbose, self-aware Narc? This isn't just passive knowledge - it implies research, it implies an advanced level of knowledge and study. Sounds a lot like the psychopath Sam Vaknin to me! I get that he's a good source of information, but how he presumes to speak for narcissists is beyond me. He's no clueless narc, he's a ruthless psychopath. I'm not trying to say it's right or wrong, but you have to consider the source all information and weigh it out before accepting something as a gospel truth There is a massive difference between the opinion of Joe/Jane average, the informed opinions of Joe/Jane professional and the possible manipulations of an attention seeking psychopath.
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

He seemed to me like just

He seemed to me like just some dude on the net who is looking for answers to his pain like we are. You can't paint everyone with the same brush. Nothing can be gospel truth, not even the info you find here. Take what you need and leave the rest
Mar 5 - 5AM (Reply to #4)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

I think the problem is

that narcissism is a symptom of a lot of things. NPD is different from addict narcissism, psychopath narcissism and overindulged teenager narcissism. There is no cure for NPD. There is no watershed moment where they realize the error of their ways and are convinced to change for evermore. It's part of the clinical definition of NPD. Yes, I agree that you can't paint everyone with the same brush. I've said that on here many times before. The reason is that not all narcy behavior is NPD. There is no cure for a disorder. Just offering a little healthy skepticism. Mostly because I've never heard of a humbled and self aware Narc! That reeks of Psychopathy to me. ETA: Humbled and self-aware bipolar, I would believe.
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

FB Messages from my Ex N

Below are three FB messages that I received from my ex N today. Let me know what you think. I'm on day 2 of no contact. Love and hugs to everyone. "I am happy for you. These last two days I have spent by myself thinking, and I have come to realize you were right about a lot. I have soooo much to work on. I tore apart the love of my life and I lost my puppy. I am not sure what I should do next so I guess I'll focus on work. Good luck girl your a rock star Before you block me I thought I'd like to send one more message of apology. I know I didn't love you in the right way. I was obsessed, and that is not healthy. I need to talk to someone to figure out why it became like that. When I was in California it happen right away. Everyday I would run out of the elevator to call you. At night I would sit and think about quitting to get home to you. When I got home I wanted to spend every moment with you, and I was jealous all the time. It wasn't your fault even if you did talk to an ex that's not cheating I was just scared I would lose you, and look I did : ( The phone thing (NOTE: HE PUT SPYWARE ON MY PHONE) was a night mare when we started checking on each other.... there is absolutely no excuse I am a horrible human being for doing it. Then when we broke up my crazy ass thought hey here is a good idea if I put a match account up she will see it and want me back I will get some help,, but run away stay away and don't ever look back I do not deserve the love that you gave me, and I wasted a year and a half of your life I know you did love me, and I know I didn't deserve it I have already lost you, but you will be the reason I cleaned up my life. These next few months I will be focused on being a better person not a wicked one"
Mar 6 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wiser One

A moment of clarity for him hey? Stay away...I am intrigued by his insight...but he's disordered and I'd stay away EVEN after he does this three weeks of therapy... These types do have "moments of clarity" but its short lived... Then they come back changed. He will take years...maybe decades... Life is short... Hugs
Mar 6 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Michele115

Thanks for the insight. You're so right. Life is way too short for this. No worries, I'll stay away. Phase 1 is always the pity party and I'm so sorry part. I've heard these promises of therapy before and it's never happened once. Phase 2 is when he gets mean and degrading. We'll see if that phase is to come soon.
Mar 6 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wiserone...

Yes, the D&D is coming and it will whip around with a vengence... No Contact... They get a charge out of building you up...gassing you up...then BAM slam you on your head... It's sick and the only defense we have is to avoid them like the plague... For OUR safety. I am sending you well wishes of peace, serenity, wisdom, acceptance and love... Stick to the board and work on learning more and recovering...it's when we understand it that we are better able to let go and release... Hugs... AND yes, expect a hoover attempt and some more games...safeguard yourself...
Mar 7 - 5AM (Reply to #9)
WiserNow30
WiserNow30's picture

Michelle115

More games already. He sent em an email this morning saying that he wanted to say good morning before he got on a plane for work and that he wants me to have a good week. He also called me. I'm sure it's too see if I changed my phone number. So within the last 48 hours, it's been constant FB messages, emails, and now a call. I'm maintaining no contact. What is a hoover attempt? I really want to know so that I can be completely prepared.