What a NARC said on another board about NC

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#1 Mar 5 - 3AM
Trulybroken
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What a NARC said on another board about NC

There is a narc support board I found where those with the disorder talk about their recovery.
One girl posted about how she went NC with her ex narc and a narc posted this comment.

"As a narcissist... I'll just say that being given the silent treatment by people that are important to us is the single most terrible thing that could possibly happen. If it wasn't him who left you, he is currently suffering terribly, and when I say "suffering terribly" I mean a kind of agony, desperation, and, above all, a feeling of abandonment and helplessness that you probably can't even imagine if you've never been addicted to narcissistic supply. I mean it's cool if it works for you, and I'm not condemning you at all, but... you should be aware of this. We might behave like monsters towards you, but we are, in fact, very very weak and desperate for protection - 99% of us, however, wouldn't admit that"

I believe it, because no matter how tough my ex acted, I knew he was DYING inside. Not sure why this gives me comfort, but it does!

Mar 8 - 12PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Not wanting to be ignored

Evita Peron was so afraid of being ignored when she died that she had her body embalmed. Her husband, Juan, who emotionally&physically abandoned her when she was suffering from cervical cancer (he made her wear a mask when she was seriously ill), had her embalmed body placed on his dining room table, and his wife, Isabel, would comb Evita's hair. That exemplifies using a person as an object. BOTH Evita and Juan were Ns/Ps.
Mar 8 - 8AM
GhostBuster
GhostBuster's picture

No forgiveness here

I agree...no forgiveness necessary. And I'm completely fine with that...and moving forward.
Mar 6 - 11AM
shyloh
shyloh's picture

yep that makes sense from

yep that makes sense from what they say about Narcs and supply. What about when you leave them and then you want them back and they reject you.
Mar 6 - 4AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Detaching with love is a slow

Detaching with love is a slow process that takes time to master. I've been in Al Anon 18 months and only learning how to truly grasp the concept. Unless one has truly sat in a 12 step group or actually done each step with a sponsor (the steps takes MONTHS if not years to work), then you cannot say the steps are BS. These steps are the door to spiritual awakening and REAL healing. They are not easy to do, but should be part of every day life. These steps help move past the ego and into the soul. I've seen these steps save a lot of lost and sick souls in AA and Al Anon, in fact, they are saving my soul. Forgiveness is about loving yourself and has nothing to do with the person who caused harm. We are human and we all falter. The MOST important lesson I've learn on my journey is to take a look at your own life and shortcomings and get out of the victim role. Easy to say, hard to do, but this right here is the door to peace. We were willing participants, we more than likely played a bigger role to the drama than we care to admit I'm a work in progress.
Mar 7 - 9AM (Reply to #62)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

It does indeed take two to

It does indeed take two to tango. I will freely confess that I am also to blame for what happened. I had my head too full of ideas about the "perfect" guy and I very much suspect that had I had the courage to come out at a younger age I would have had better experience in dealing with suddenly being faced with someone who was apparently just as perfect as I wanted. Unfortunately he just played on all of that. It's only after the fact when I had a discrete look around and compared all the guys I know with my partner that I began to realise there was nothing wrong with him, or any of them either. The only one who stood out was the narc, because he was too good to be true. And of course in the end it turned out he wasn't true. I was naive and got carried away in the emotion.
Mar 5 - 5PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Wow

That was interesting, to read a Narc's point of view. I once called my exPDI "the enemy" and he HATED that, which kind of made me regret saying it and I felt badly for him. So I rephrased and said that his personality disorder is the enemy. He seemed to be much more satisfied with that. I also told him I still care about him, but at this point, it's reduced to "affectionate indifference." Honestly, I break NC all the time, but I don't recommend this at the beginning of recovery. However, since I've been in recovery for over 2.5 years now, and he's been with another woman for about 1.5 years; I think it's okay because he doesn't even bother with the hoovering anymore. And I feel secure in knowing that even if he did try to hoover me again, he'll never get me back. Never! Because I know they're all incapable of changing. It's just never going to happen. Sad but true. It's difficult to not contact someone you've known for 28+ years. Especially since he's not really bothering me any more except for the occasional "what's up?" emails and/or texts, which really don't bother me at all because I'm WAY over him.
Mar 5 - 12PM
apple
apple's picture

Can you tell

Can you give me the link to this support group? Thank You
Mar 5 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ladies

This is excellent, GOOD! Are we suppose to feel sorry for them?? Not a chance! Idealk
Mar 5 - 11AM (Reply to #57)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

I know!

" when I say "suffering terribly" I mean a kind of agony, desperation, and, above all, a feeling of abandonment and helplessness that you probably can't even imagine if you've never been addicted to narcissistic supply. I mean it's cool if it works for you, and I'm not condemning you at all, but... you should be aware of this. We might behave like monsters towards you, but we are, in fact, very very weak and desperate for protection - 99% of us, however, wouldn't admit that" Utter BS! Translation: OK so I did somethings to hurt you, but if you had a heart, you'd feel sorry for me. Narc speak for: If I acknowledge blame, it makes it all OK. Anyway my pain is more important than your pain. You are heartless for for not seeing that!
Mar 5 - 12PM (Reply to #58)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

also....

" when I say "suffering terribly" I mean a kind of agony, desperation, and, above all, a feeling of abandonment and helplessness that you probably can't even imagine if you've never been addicted to narcissistic supply. OR - the exact feeling of being Narced? Yes, I can imagine it. Vividly. And while we are talking about it - you will forget about it as soon as you get a new source of supply! I get to carry it around with me for the rest of my life.
Mar 5 - 9AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Man, oh, man...

I'm sitting here, with popcorn, reading the NPD Forum now. Feel like I've struck gold!
Mar 5 - 9AM (Reply to #55)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

HAHAHA!

HAHAHA!
Mar 5 - 9AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

We spend talking to much on

We spend talking to much on how the narc has no emotion we forget they do feel fear and anger the primory emotions , i think they do feel pain which is born out of fear of abandonment which is why going NC hurts them so much . What the diffrence is between normal people and narc is normal people will have some introspection on how they may have caused the other person to act in such a drastic mannor as to stop communication . A narc dosnt have that and that is why we cant feel sorry for them , we , by going NC have in their eyes have become the bitch from hell , this is why some say that if you go back to the narc after a long period of NC the abuse gets even more evil as all the resentment they felt for you causing them pain comes out .It will always be youre fault in the narcs eyes as his fragile ego will not allow him to look with in . XX
Mar 5 - 9AM (Reply to #40)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Keep in mind, there is no

Keep in mind, there is no such thing as "normal" people. There are just many variations to human behaviour. All we can do in this world is clean our side of the street and pray the people we love will find peace
Mar 5 - 10AM (Reply to #41)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Trulybroken!!!

I really, really, really like that.... Yes, there is a time for ranting, raving, sending spells of sweaty transvestite basketball players (one of my insane moments w/anger) BUT then at a certain point...which varies for everyone...the "When" that is... To get to peace, healing and recovery... You have to detach with love... Thanks Truly....
Mar 5 - 11AM (Reply to #42)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

No you don't :)

This is just my opinion - whatever works for you works for you. If you want to detach with love, then it's nobodies business but your own. I should probably just keep this to myself but I'm gonna say it any way. I don't have to detach with love. Carrying around baggage and rage isn't going to do anyone any good but that doesn't mean you have to waste an iota of love on somebody who destroyed your brain. Even if we do emerge better off for the experience, screw this love business. If I don't want to forgive, I don't have to. I have the freedom to choose my own reaction to events in my life. When people start telling me what I HAVE to do? Uh, nope. I'll do as I see fit, thank you very much. I don't care what the N is doing, if he's happy or if he's miserable. I feel sorry my version of OW, who seems determined to see the best and hold out hope that he will have his epiphany but if it's how she copes with being used and mentally abused, then it's not my concern. Me? I will never forgive him and I will never forget how he abused my good nature, slandered me to everyone who knew me, smirked at my tears and gas lighted me until I started wondering if I was insane. Love? Nope. Indifference? I try because it's the only way to get on with my life. When memories surface, I have a conversation with myself about not beating myself down for being foolish to not have strong boundaries and for trusting a sketchy character even though he had done me wrong. Screen wipe, new scene. It's all about self-preservation and not giving this bastard what he really wanted - my total and utter devestation. To prove to his disordered mind that he was so powerful and great as to reduce the weak to ashes. More power to you if you seek to walk the forgiveness path, but I'm just trying to represent those of us who are saying NO! Not now, not ever. I'm not trying to make anyone else feel bad. This isn't an agree with me or you are an idiot scenario. You can't paint everyone with the same brush and what works for one, isn't going to work for all.
Mar 5 - 12PM (Reply to #48)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

darkspot

Certainly everyone has to deal with their pain on thier terms. If you read some of my rants, I'm sure I could make you look like a pussycat. The only thing I feel called to do is to try to help people feel better. For the most part, I've achieved a fair amount of peace although the journey wasn't easy. I understand and respect EVERY stage of the recovery process and am still very much within the process myself. On a spritual level/journey I've also come to accept certain principals that have helped me achieve a certain balance and peace of mind. In October I was diagnosed with PTSD...in doing the work...without the help of therapists or medication *and lack of therapy was due to not being able to find one I felt was competent and "got it"...I have gotten to a place where those thoughts don't consume me, eat me up or make me miserable and so it was in the spirit of sharing that I posted what I did. BUT I am certainly QUITE AWARE that everyone comes to thier own truth and technique for coping on their own terms and in thier own time and I respect that very much as well.
Mar 5 - 1PM (Reply to #49)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

I get you

and like I said, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. My thoughts don't consume me, eat me up or make me miserable but yet I am perfectly comfortable with them. It's great that you want to make people feel better, and all I'm saying is be careful of speaking in absolutes. I've been on this site for a year and 1/2 reading daily. I don't post much but I've been reading constantly. I've seen your rants and I'm not sure how they compare to what I've been trying to say. In perfect honesty, your anger seemed to be buckshot. Mine is directed precisely at the bastard who did me harm. It's great that you feel at peace and leveled. I was responding to your generalization, and mostly I was responding to this whole 12 step concept of trying to force yourself into becoming something that OTHER people expect you to be, rather than what you really are. Seriously I am not trying to piss you off. If you find the fact that I don't agree with you insulting, it's not MY problem. I'm sure you understand that. At one point, when I posted about my distress at having my PTSD triggered - you were the first person that posted. All you had to say was "I'm sorry that you are triggered. I acknowledge your pain". It was really helpful. Validation means the world to us, in our states. Not everyone has the same story, but there are people here who have been gas lighted until we didn't know which way was up. I know you get it. Your fire is what has separated you from from the rest, whether is was misdirected or not. Don't lose that just because you are a mod.
Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #50)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Darkspot

Your fire is what has separated you from from the rest, whether is was misdirected or not. Don't lose that just because you are a mod. I'm not clear on what you mean by "fire" and do welcome clarification, as I am capable of acknowledging that we don't alway "see" what others see in ourselves... As for the rest... You said: My thoughts don't consume me, eat me up or make me miserable but yet I am perfectly comfortable with them. If that is true...then at this juncture...what is left to heal? If you're comfortable that is then why are you still on the Narc abuse recovery board? If you're comfortable that is... be careful of speaking in absolutes. -I will make a note of that, as communication is key and there is always room for improvement. You then say: mostly I was responding to this whole 12 step concept of trying to force yourself into becoming something that OTHER people expect you to be, rather than what you really are. As per the reference to 12 step concepts...if you've been reading...I've said a lot on my position...to the contrary...I got that concept from reading and studying Theosophy which is essentially philosophically understanding spritual principals ALL of them from every religion since the dawn of time...nothing 12 step to my comment at all...and for the Record...Theosophy is not a religion so I am not pushing a spritual agenda at all. You then say: Seriously I am not trying to piss you off. If you find the fact that I don't agree with you insulting, it's not MY problem. I'm sure you understand that. I don't think the correct term is pissed off rather than somewhat feeling taken aback...as despite what you write...there seems to be a touch of hostility? And I'm not sure if it is misdirected anger or something else...which at this juncture, not wanting to put on a show for the forum...I am more than open to discuss it privately through the pvt message board. Although I will say I do wonder, as your introduction sort of "triggered" me somewhat in the way someone who is uttering an untruth would start out with the words..."to tell the truth" so I do think we need to discuss this whole misunderstanding privately... You also comment: At one point, when I posted about my distress at having my PTSD triggered - you were the first person that posted. All you had to say was "I'm sorry that you are triggered. I acknowledge your pain" Given that there are a couple of hundred on this board and I have read many posts...I don't succinctly remember when or what post you are referring to; however, given that I am not a mental health professional...are you saying that it would have been better not to respond at all? If I don't feel professionally qualified to address a certain issue, then I don't touch it...why? Because that would be negligent and ethically improper. There are many things that can trigger individuals and I myself have been diagnosed officially with C-PTSD... so somehow, offering support wasn't sufficient...what would you have rather me do? Play God and all knowing?...No each and every one of us here including Lisa E. Scott are victims in various stages of recovery trying to help one another...that is the bottom line. And you know what...sometimes yes...validation is sufficient because I am not trying to play the all knowing, all powerful GURU...my style is more to remember where I came from and that I am no better, or no less than my peers in recovery...that is what keeps one humble, open and TEACHABLE which I would prefer to be...for the rest of my life I will be learning... As far as being separated from the rest...not quite sure what you are referring to...but again...I'm not looking to be part of a club, rank high in a soriority of broken hearts or any other club membership...I am really baffled by that last statement and therefore am asking for clarification. Just LIKE you I am looking to heal and my status as moderator does not put me in any more a "superior" position than my peers in recovery.
Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #51)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

OK

"Your fire is what has separated you from from the rest, whether is was misdirected or not. Don't lose that just because you are a mod." Simply, the fact that you spoke from your gut. When you felt anger, you got angry. You didn't sublimate it in anything else. "You said: My thoughts don't consume me, eat me up or make me miserable but yet I am perfectly comfortable with them. If that is true...then at this juncture...what is left to heal? If you're comfortable that is then why are you still on the Narc abuse recovery board? If you're comfortable that is..." Not sure to be honest, but I do know for 100% that it is to do with me and not the Narc. I have stated this in the past, that the reason I stick around here is that I feel that something in me is unresolved. I have tried to explain it and have asked for input here, but apparently it's something I have to determine for myself. "be careful of speaking in absolutes. -I will make a note of that, as communication is key and there is always room for improvement." Just basic rules of communication that I got when I studied communication. "You then say: mostly I was responding to this whole 12 step concept of trying to force yourself into becoming something that OTHER people expect you to be, rather than what you really are. As per the reference to 12 step concepts...if you've been reading...I've said a lot on my position...to the contrary...I got that concept from reading and studying Theosophy which is essentially philosophically understanding spritual principals ALL of them from every religion since the dawn of time...nothing 12 step to my comment at all...and for the Record...Theosophy is not a religion so I am not pushing a spritual agenda at all." Ok. This is a communication breakdown. You were responding to Trulybroken, and it was actually her dogma that I was resisting. I made a mistake by engaging you instead of engaging her. I knew it was going to come off as aggressive so I took an oblique approach. But I stand by what I said. "You then say: Seriously I am not trying to piss you off. If you find the fact that I don't agree with you insulting, it's not MY problem. I'm sure you understand that." No hostility, just passion. I know you understand passion. "You also comment: At one point, when I posted about my distress at having my PTSD triggered - you were the first person that posted. All you had to say was "I'm sorry that you are triggered. I acknowledge your pain" Whatever, I remember everyone who posts. There is not that many per day. But OK, you don't remember, that is not a SIN and I am NOT trying to make you feel bad!!! I was just trying to tell you that you showed me empathy and I appreciated it. All the crap that people in my life used to roll their eyes over - I said it here an I got acceptance. Not one second of doubt or blame. If I had gotten that the first time this Narcy-bastard messed up my brain, maybe I wouldn't have had to deal with this the same way a decade later. Which is what I am saying! The rest of it... well you read a whole bunch into it - not my intention at all! - but whatever. Look at my words. Only the words. Not your feelings. My words. This thread is about taking pity and feeling feelings for the he/she bastards that wronged us, instead of reserving those feelings for ourselves and the people in our lives who have actually demonstrated a capacity for change. Not just talk the same bullshit they talked to get us hooked. The only thing I was trying to say to you Michelle was that I would be stunned if you didn't get that.
Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #52)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Darkspot

"No hostility, just passion. I know you understand passion." I get it... Hugs and thank you...
Mar 5 - 3PM (Reply to #53)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Actually Darkspot...

I did a little ruminating and of course, back tracking and I do feel we need to talk in private. I will reach out to you later as I am stepping out. Have a good evening...hope whatever you're doing you're feeing good.
Mar 5 - 12PM (Reply to #43)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

darkspark

This is a really interesting post for me. I've had the "privilege" of being involved with 3 narcs in my life. The detachment from the experience was totally different with each. Until your post, I never really thought about that. With #1, I was so blisteringly angry that I threw him out, told him to go to hell, and wanted nothing to do with him ever again. I was terribly hurt, but the love I had for him was just drained dry. When it was over, I didn't pine for him or feel sorry for him, I just moved on. #2 was harder. He attacked me at my weakest point (I wrote about it my "he said he could get better" post) and I immediately broke it off. I was so emotionally spent and my self-esteem so shattered that I went practically catatonic for awhile. He sucked me back in with a legendary hoover (Paris, Switzerland, the stuff of romance novels) which led to an incredible crash and burn. I won't go into it, but afterward I felt destroyed. There was no "detaching with love." The burning hatred eventually subsided into total indifference. And I mean total. I could care less if he's dead or alive at this point. #3 is different still. This one I can say IS detachment with love. I don't hate him; I just can't. I hate what he did, that he hurt me so much more than the others put together, but still, I don't hate HIM. I hope he sorts out his life, if that's possible. I'm sad thinking he may never really know love. I don't want to be with him, but I don't wish him misery. So, who knows? Maybe each relationship requires a different kind of detachment.
Mar 7 - 9AM (Reply to #46)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

hey ally, this is really

hey ally, this is really interesting. i was wondering, do you feel like you detached different in each of the 3 circumstances because of the narc or because of where you were in your life? maybe a combo of both? for example, if you happened to be dealing with narc #1 or #2 at this point, would you be detaching more similarly to the way you detached to #3? i'm still having trouble with my situation in terms of sorting out my feelings. there are so many unanswered questions, that i feel like i have no idea how to "detach." my narc does sound more like #2 though - he wants to fly me to where ever he is - and each time i see him it's like a honeymoon. and then comes the crash and burn. i feel hatred and anger and i am waiting for the day i feel that indifference, but on days like today, i feel like "love" towards him. i think my emotions are still all jumbled - but i just wanted to know how one grows and learns from this. i hate feeling like i lost a piece of myself and that i will be forever sadder, although wiser, and that i will forever be a little more jaded.
Mar 7 - 1PM (Reply to #47)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Hi Dazed

Hmmm... why was it different? #1 and #2 were truly awful to me. #1 didn't tell me he had an STD until he was pretty sure he had given it to me (thank goodness he was wrong.) #2 was pretty much an all around jerk (I could tell you stories that would curl your hair :) So, once the smoke cleared post-relationship, it was easier to detach because I couldn't really see what I had loved in the first place. There's another wrinkle though. I didn't love #1 or #2. Sure, I thought I did at the time, but now I know I was holding back. I never really let either of them get close to my heart. Both were so vain that I never had to talk about me much. I never let them in. It limited the damage they were able to do. #3 was different. I laid it all on the line with him. I let him peak into all the dusty corners, see all the nasty habits, really get to know me. I opened my heart to him. Pity he stabbed me in it. :( So, why detach with love from the last guy when he was the one who hurt me the most? Two reasons. One, I am not over him yet. It sucks, but that's the truth. Maybe when the rest of the fog clears I will find that "detachment with love" was an illusion. Two, I feel like he's opened my heart in a way that it wasn't before. I don't so much like the way he did it, but I'm grateful that it happened because now I can find real love with someone. I'm not sure I was in that place before.
Mar 5 - 3PM (Reply to #45)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

In a weird way...

#3 best describes how I TRIED to end it with the ex-Psych professor. I wished him a lifetime of happiness&bliss with his girlfriend, serenely telling him we were parting ways... I was graduating, he was moving on to marriage. Since he and I were never officially a romantic/sexual couple, I was capable of doing it. Was I in love? Yes. But he and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend... and that is something, oddly, both he&I could validate. And actually *AGREE* on. He was the one who said "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life"---so, advice taken, and thank God. I can't hate the ex-P. I've compared him to my baby nephew who's a toddler. Toddlers are immature. Hating my nephew because he can't have a mature relationship, treat me as a person by respecting my need to sleep instead of screaming in the middle of night, or is unable to hold a philosophical dialogue on language... would be *USELESS.* Because my nephew is not mature. The ex-P is immature. Do I hate his actions? Yes. It was after the final D&D, after meeting the girlfriend, I told the ex-P that I hated his actions, but that I did *NOT* hate him. He seemed devastated by that, for reasons I just don't get. I don't want to be with the ex-P. Ns/Ps don't age gracefully (e.g. my Narc grandmother) I'm glad I didn't have his babies. I'm glad I didn't marry him. I'm glad I didn't have sex with him. He's a teacher;he fancies himself a philosopher. Well, it's more like those are the things he aspires to be. He sees them as roles,as masks. I don't knock myself for praying for his soul... who doesn't need to be saved?
Mar 5 - 1PM (Reply to #44)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

Not for me to say

Aren't you the best one to determine how you should deal with your pain? But I think you hit it on the head.
Mar 5 - 8AM
booboo35
booboo35's picture

Just read through some of

Just read through some of the stuff on narc forum, All i can say is am glad they feel like this, And it makes me never want to BREAK NC TILL THE DAY I DIE!! LOL LOL LOL THEY REAP WHAT THEY SOW!!! KARMA!! XX

STAY STRONG!! XX

Mar 5 - 7AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Please?

Can you please post the link to this Narc Support Board? It'd be an interesting read.
Mar 5 - 7AM (Reply to #36)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Burrito

The link you will find further down among all the postings.I asked her for it this morning!