Hi! I'm new here...Signs you're dating a Narc!

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#1 Mar 3 - 7AM
MyNaturalState
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Hi! I'm new here...Signs you're dating a Narc!

Hi! I'm new here...Signs your dating a Narc!
Thu, 03/03/2011 - 08:18 — MyNaturalState
I have no idea if my guy was a Narc or not, but I can tell you how much I can relate to everything I keep reading. I'm finding consistencies...let me know if you agree or can add any!

1. You constantly ask yourself, "What more can I do to make him love me?"
2. You are always waiting for the big change in him that will make everything perfect, but never seems to come.
3. Your anger towards something he did constantly turns into wondering if you're being overly sensitive.
4. You always ask yourself if it is something about you that makes him 'this' way. You wonder if there is some other women that could handle him better.
5. You wonder if there is some big dark secret about him that you don't know about. (And of course, you're not important enough to share it with.)
6. You're constantly making excuses for his very poor behavior and defending him even when he never asked you to.
7. Even though no one in your life likes him and how he treats you, you convince yourself that they just have no idea how great he is. They don't understand him like you do.
8. You wind up spending more time fantasizing about how you want it to be than thinking about how it really is.
9. Even after you've gone NC, you're still secretly hoping it all works out in the end.
10. You found that even during your 'high' moments, that your happiness is really not core deep. It's superficial because you know it's only temporary.
11. Your expectations have stooped to such a low that any old crumb makes you feel special and loved. Ugh...pathetic.

Mar 3 - 3PM
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Wow these descriptions just

Wow these descriptions just confirms more and more that I was with a Narc...especially numbers 2, 3, 6, 8 and 10.
Mar 3 - 12PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

High five sister , the last

High five sister , the last one hit home to me as i stuggle to think how low the narc made me feel when at the d&d ( i went through six hovers and six d&d) . At idolization time i could say nothing wrong , he hung on my every word telling me how clever i was and sexy and beautiful blah balh balh but when the devaulisation time came he would say something like "that was pretty clever .. for you ... " with a horrible snear on his face .. or he would say "you dont look that fat in that dress" and on one occasion he said " you know scoop i have mastered the art of completely swithing off when you speak " .... how i didnt stab him is a miracle . xx
Mar 3 - 10AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

8 & 10

These two, in particular, resonate with me. 8.) You wind up spending more time fantasizing about how you want it to be than thinking about how it really is. *I have a very active imagination, so this is something that I'm realizing I did to myself, in a way. The picture vs. the reality. I definitely identify. 10.) You found that even during your 'high' moments, that your happiness is really not core deep. It's superficial because you know it's only temporary. *Exactly, because when I was *really* down and out, he was no where to be found. But the messed up part of me, felt so special, receiving gifts in the mail, and all of the attention. It was so flattering for so long.
Mar 3 - 10AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MyNaturalstate

I am one of the new Moderators and I'd like to take this opportunity to extend a very warm welcome. I read your list and it seems accurate enough...you are in the right place. I have been fortunate enough to find this safe haven and share with all of the insightful members on this forum and it has truly and sincerely been my "salvation" I found that friends and family did not understand, thought I was overreacting, some just did not see the sick side of him I knew I was gaslighted, betrayed and cheated on AND...there are "Dogs" out there who do this then there is this other realm of insidious, stealth, underhanded abuse that goes on right beneath your nose that you have no idea is happening until you feel as if you've been left for dead on the side of the road with no concept of just what truck hit you...at least most of us report something very similar to the aforementioned scenario... If you can relate...more than likely you partner is AT minimum suffering from some type of Personality Disorder...and just from what I'm reading...Narcissist does sound like a very strong possibility. I encourage you to read all you can about this condition as educating yourself helps you understand that this isn't your fault, you are not to blame and you didn't deserve this AND you are powerless to change him AND most importantly...he is a DANGER to you...at minimum...your psyche and emotional well being...at maximum... Again, a very warm welcome I look forward to sharing with you...when you're ready note we have a "Share your Story" section...this has been instrumental in helping members work on the steps and "get it out" which is very cathartic. I'd also ask that you take a moment to review the rules and feel free to let me know if you have any questions or if there is anything that I can help you with. Have a wonderful day...more more importantly...an awesome journey...I am a firm believer that this experience can actually change us for the better...it is painful but it is what we make of it...if we're willing to go through the hills and valleys of self discovery... Hugs!
Mar 3 - 11AM (Reply to #41)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Ditto to Mandy and Journey

There were many occasions where I thought if he had hit me or called me a foul name it would have been easier. The reason is that then the abuse would have been OVERT. Mine never did anything that couldn't be explained away somehow. It was so covert, so insidious that I didn't catch on for a long time. The psychological damage was done almost without my realizing it. (BTW - I mean no disrespect to those who endured physical or verbal abuse and don't mean to imply that it's any easier than emotional abuse.)
Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #42)
spinning
spinning's picture

interesting, ally, I'd

like to add my observation. I NEVER thought I'd put up with any type of abuse (verbal or physical) and those who knew me before the disordered one would agree. Twenty-some years ago my sister was in an abusive marriage. I helped her get out, though it took quite some convincing and at the time I could not understand her reluctance and fear about leaving. It was mostly fear. I didn't get it. But you see, he was an N. A severe one. He baited and switched her big time and by the time the fists and horrible language started flying, she was in the "what did I do wrong" phase and working hard to chase the illusion. I used to get so frustrated with her. I truly couldn't get why she just couldn't give him the boot. Why she was so afraid to make a move. Now, sadly, I understand what was going on in her head (CD, PTSD) much to my own shock and dismay. I didn't 'get it' back then. Unfortunately I really do now. The disordered one I was involved with took about three years to "get physical" and verbally abusive. He is BPD so his rages included self-abuse (talk about a head spinner). I was always so shocked and taken off guard and scared and walking on eggshells and just wanting a little peace, etc. IT's SICK. This is something I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER BE EXPOSED TO. Something I NEVER WOULD HAVE CHOSEN and I believe, DID NOT CHOOSE. I chose a 'savior,' a 'guru,' a 'kind, gentleman.' HA! The bar just kept getting lower and lower and I didn't have the strength to lift it up until putting the pieces together, finding this board and realizing the so-called "relationship" was killing me. Just thought I'd share this, as I have unfortunately learned a lot about these things now. My sister has been a HUGE help to me now. All of you here are a huge help, too. Sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #43)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Spinning

Yes, I have some experience with the "lowering of the bar" deal. For example, I always thought I would run at the first hint that a guy wasn't being faithful, but I didn't. Now, I never got proof that he was cheating, but I knew in my heart that he was. I never thought I would tolerate that, yet I did. My heart goes out to anyone who has been the victim of any kind of abuse, whether it be verbal, physical or emotional. I've only got experience with one of those, so I am certainly in no position to compare and contrast the difficulties. I'm glad your sister has been able to help you, as you were able to help her. It's unfortunate that ANY of us has had to learn about this stuff, first-hand or otherwise.
Mar 3 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
MyNaturalState
MyNaturalState's picture

Thank you very much! I will

Thank you very much! I will definitely look into the Share Your Story section! My problem is that mine never said anything abusive. I think he thought that just because he never said anything mean that it meant he wasn't actually being mean. There is SO MUCH meanness in dismissal, avoidance, disappearance, and ignorning someone you supposedly love. That can be just as abusive, if not more, than words.
Mar 3 - 11AM (Reply to #40)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My Natural State...

Yes, you are correct...just because someone isn't beating you or outwardly berating you doesn't mean they're not abusive. That was my downfall...I didn't realize it until his gaslighting and stealth attacks had taken total and complete control. The psychologial damage is just as heinous.
Mar 3 - 11AM (Reply to #39)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Mine was never violent,

Mine was never violent, belittling, or threatening, either. But you're right - dismissal, avoidance, disappearance, and ignoring is just as bad.
Mar 3 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
Journey
Journey's picture

Our narcs sound like the same

Our narcs sound like the same guy. Mine was seldom overt about his abuse, but it existed nonetheless. I often think it would have been so much easier to do the right thing for myself if he had just done more overt and specific things to hurt me so I wasn't left wondering or second guessing it all.

Journey on...

Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #30)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Journey and others

I just wanted to comment on overt abuse vs. covert abuse. Believe me when someone abuses you overtly that doesn't make it easier to do the right thing for yourself. You see when you are bring abused (in my case) there was manipulation and covert abuse to go along with the overt abuse so it doesn't make anything easier. I just wanted to put that out there because i am getting the sense that people think that if you are overtly and physically abused than it is easier to leave or do something about it but I am proof that when dealing with a Narc/Psycho there is no easy way out no matter how you are being abused! Just my 2 cents! Peace!

victimnomore

Mar 3 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

VNM

Hi hun, I just want to clarify one thing, because I sense I may have offended you (and maybe others) with my post, which was not my intention. I believe you are 100% right. I don't think that leaving is any easier when the abuse is physical or verbal than when it is emotional. For all I know, it's harder because of other factors (fear of additional physical harm, etc.) Actually, it's probably impossible to generalize at all, since each situation is so different. You also make a good point that abuse is often not JUST physical, emotional or verbal. What I meant to say was that, AFTER I had left and was trying to heal, it took me a very long time to understand that what I had been through was abusive. The self-doubt was crippling. My friends and family didn't understand; they thought he was just "confused" or "conflicted." I had nothing tangible to point to as abusive, because everything could be logically explained away. If he had called me a bad name, I could say to my friends "he called me X" and they would have agreed that he was in the wrong. But, how do you explain to someone who hasn't been through this that "he ignored me today" or "he didn't respond to my heartfelt email in a timely way and I know he did it to hurt me"? I'm pretty sure they thought I was being dramatic or obsessive. I had to tell about a million stories before they started to understand. Some of them still don't. Again, I'm not trying to imply that one kind of abuse is any easier to deal with or break free from than any other. I'm really sorry if it came across that way. :(
Mar 3 - 4PM (Reply to #38)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

ALLY2375

I wasn't offended by your post or the others. I just wanted to make the point that abuse is abuse and it destroy us no matter what the type of abuse is. We are all here for the same reason and i have experienced all types of abuse and they all yielded the same result. (pain, confusion,hurt, no self-esteem, total destruction). No offense taken. Actually the physical pain disappeard and the mental pain is what I am fighting to forget! Peace.

victimnomore

Mar 3 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

ALLY2375

I wann't offended by your post or the others. I just wanted to make the point that abuse is abuse and it destroy us no matter what the type of abuse is. We are all here for the same reason and i have experienced all types of abuse and they all yielded the same result. (pain, confusion,hurt, no self-esteem, total destruction). No offense taken. Actually the physical pain disappeard and the mental pain is what I am fighting to forget! Peace.

victimnomore

Mar 3 - 1PM (Reply to #34)
Steph
Steph's picture

ally

I just wrote that I'd been through both and they were equally damaging. But i TOTALLY get what you are saying. It was harder for me to explaing things to others, even to myself, because they weren't always blatantly obvious, overt things. That definately posed a challenge in my recovery. The physical abuse from the other relationship presented different challenges for me.....like, for example trying to explain to someone WHY i would allow it to happen. I felt the stigma of being an "abused" woman more. Anyways, I totally get where you are coming from and personally I'm not one of the people you feel you may have offended. Just wanted to say that:)
Mar 3 - 4PM (Reply to #35)
Journey
Journey's picture

I did not mean to imply

that overt abuse would be easier to deal with or make it easier to leave the relationship, I just meant that I would have not blamed myself so much (probably) for his behavior. I still question way too much about what happened and the way he came across often of being 'normal', leaving me to feel like I was the crazy one. He still does it, moving on without a look back, seemingly happy... while I feel often stuck and depressed. Sorry if what I said sounded ignorant or offended anyone.

Journey on...

Mar 3 - 8PM (Reply to #36)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

this conversation about the

this conversation about the different modes of abuse is quite interesting. and even more interesting is that some, including ally, brought up that she wished she experienced the other form of abuse bc it would've been easier to identify and perhaps easier to cope with. i thought the same thing as ally and others, but this conversation changed my mind just now. i use to think that i wish he would've just hit me. because that is sooooo clear - and i would leave! my narc was psychologically manipulative but also very overtly verbally and emotionally abusive. the overt stuff was clear to me. but i still stayed in. and it really took a toll on me - not only what he did, but the shame i felt. the cognitive dissonance i guess - knowing one thing, acting another way, feeling another way. does this make any sense? now, just now this minute, i realize that my earlier wish that "i wish he had just hit me" shows how damaging abuse it - it causes us to wish for the other type of abuse - we should never wish for any abuse upon ourselves! and it also made me realize that if he hit me, and i stayed in (and a lot of women do...and judging by what i put up with, i don't doubt i would've as well), then the shame would've been great as well. so clearly, abuse IS, in fact, abuse - no matter what kind. and we wish for the other type of abuse not to diminish its severity, but as a cry of pain about the type of abuse we in fact did experience. im sure women who went through only physical abuse wish there were just words and not punches. it's all damaging. it's all the same. and it's all something we should never ever tolerate. i am sincerely sad about the abuse all of us went through. it's simply not right. :(
Mar 3 - 1PM (Reply to #32)
Steph
Steph's picture

Agreed

I have experienced both forms of abuse. My first boyfriend, that I married and left, was physically abusive on several occassions. Including one time when I beat him at a game of cards, and he proceeded to hit me in the head for being "against" him. My last boyfriend, wasn't physically abusive....yet. He did push me once and grabbed my arm hard enough to leave a bruise......but most of his abuse was very covert. He's a lawyer and great with words. I never really realized how much he emotionally abused me until I was out of the relationship. Both of these relationships caused me much harm. Abuse is abuse, no matter what form it comes in.
Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
spinning
spinning's picture

VNM, please read down

under ally's post, too. We must have been writing at the same time. For those who are interested, I weighed in on the subject, too, and truly understand why VNM had to post, too. At least we're all here now, no longer putting up with abuse of any kind! Bless you all. Sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 3 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
MyNaturalState
MyNaturalState's picture

Yes. I think its harder to

Yes. I think its harder to identify when it's passive. It's easier to explain away and to make excuses for it. Passive abusive is more likely to make us feel like the problem could be US just being overly sensitive or dramatic. I can see it is a much more powerful/useful tool for their manipulative tendencies. My boyfriend before him actually did hit me once. He knew this and often talked about my ex like he was absolutely dispicable. It felt good to tell him that he was FAR more abusive than my ex could ever dream of being. I said, "At least I knew I made him FEEL something! At least he knew I EXISTED!" Imagine that.
Mar 3 - 8AM
Steph
Steph's picture

Welcome:) Your list is dead

Welcome:) Your list is dead on. Complete mind f*ck!! Sorry you were narced but you are in the right place for recovery:)
Mar 3 - 8AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

It Hurt

It hurt to admit it but this is my 25 year marriage in a nutshell! What was i thinking??? I so very much wanted to be happy and for him to make me happy but needless to say, that never happened and was never going to happen. This is exactly how I felt during the relationship Also: uneasy feeling in my stomach all of the time. constant worrying about who he is on the phone with or texting. never felt good enough for him.

victimnomore

Mar 3 - 8AM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome!

Yes, that list is very easy to relate to. How about adding these: 12. You wonder why after showing such mutual passion in the beginning, now it seems he doesn't want to have sex at all unless HE initiates it. 13. You wonder why after a wonderful night of closeness, the next day he withdraws and gives you the cold shoulder or 'needs his space'. 14. He tells you he can't imagine being with anyone else yet begins creating the feeling in you that he'd rather be with ANYONE else. 15. After agonizing over what you said or he said only hours before and thinking that the relationship must be over, when you next speak he acts as if nothing happened and is surprised you are still 'on about it'. 16. He conveniently 'forgets' plans you made or things he said when confronted by you. 17. When you bring up your concerns or needs in conversation he 'can't talk now' because he is too busy, on his way out or has another call he 'must' take. 18. Even after he's been gone a year or more you still wonder what you could have done different or if you were somehow to 'blame' for his leaving. 19. When you express regret, sadness or worries, he tells you "you're living in the past" and should get over it and move on. 20. You find out he hooks up with someone else immediately after telling you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone (including you). 21. You realize he has lied to you about some very important issues and then start to wonder what else he has lied about. 22. You realize most of the infractions he accused you of are actually things he has done or is doing himself. 23. After telling you he cares and loves you, he doesn't reply to an email written from the heart in order to 'connect', but instead in his response barely mentions receiving it. Journey on...

Journey on...

Mar 4 - 5AM (Reply to #23)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I have no doubt we were with

I have no doubt we were with the same person!!!!! wow!
Mar 3 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
PumpKyn80
PumpKyn80's picture

Journey, this is even more

Journey, this is even more confirmation with this list. Mainly numbers 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 21, 22, and 23. Well now that I look at the numbers I put here I only left out like 2 or 3 from the list and if I had been with him longer I would have eventually experienced them.
Mar 3 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

Hitting home for sure on ALL

Hitting home for sure on ALL of them! Especially #20 since he moved in with someone months after he tells me via email that our issues were caused by his issues. He knows I gave 110% (no mention of the % he gave which was a lot lower than mine) and that he recognizes that someone with his mental illness (referring to his severe depression) cannot have a happy, healthy relationship. He said this while just starting to date his now wife whom he married 6 months later! I saw my massage lady today who is also a clairvoyant and I was asking why my exNH is married for 6 yrs and ours was abusive from 4 months after our wedding and only lasted not even 4. Is he the same way with her as he was with me? And here is my exN who married someone less than a yr of our breakup and just had his 1st yr wedding anniversary! She told me that my exNH - we were young and it was a learning experience. Maybe he did change and grew up. Maybe he has calmed down and not that abusive since he did go to another country and lived there for several yrs. New country, new people, new culture and he took the time to change. That's a possibility. Now, she tells me about the exN...she sees him just as a dishonest person. She dated a cheater too that convinced her that she was crazy and insecure. Her friends did a intervention to snap her out of it. The girl he was cheating on while with her, he married 3 months after their breakup. Pretty much the same deal between me and the exN. After 6 months of marriage, he began cheating on her. She saw my exN as someone that has not changed, not done the work on himself (his sister even told me he has done nothing but got on depression meds) and is just a troll. Overall, not a good guy. My exN did 95% of the things on everyone's list and very covert with his abuse.
Mar 3 - 12PM (Reply to #20)
whskywmn5
whskywmn5's picture

Your list

I can relate to your list even more so than the first list that started this posting. I find it so amazing how much alike all these people are, its almost like that read a book on how to be the perfect Narcissist. They take notes on the subhject, and must say to theirselves........mmmmmm just how can I make my significant other miserable today.
Mar 3 - 9AM (Reply to #18)
MyNaturalState
MyNaturalState's picture

OMG, SUCH good ones!

OMG, SUCH good ones! Especially 13, 15, 16, 17, holy crap 18, 19, 21...hehe I guess all of them! Whoa...23! TWENTY THREE! YES!
Mar 3 - 9AM (Reply to #19)
Journey
Journey's picture

MyNaturalState

Your comment made me laugh... I guess my ex really was a narc! Why I'd have any doubts anymore is truly beyond me lol!

Journey on...