What got me thru a weak moment with NC PLEASE READ) IT WILL HELP

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#1 Feb 9 - 8AM

neverlookback

What got me thru a weak moment with NC PLEASE READ) IT WILL HELP

Last night was the WORST I have suffered with NC, even got myself out to mingle with others and had to go to the bathroom because the tears were just flowing. Thank God only one person noticed and said whats wrong have you been crying. I told them I had a cold and my eyes were all wattery, (the ol contact routine doesnt work by the way) As I sat there at this little pub I wondered how many people in there had suffered what we had suffered, there were only 20 people in there so probably none, as I knew all the women - its a fun, cute little pub and the gal that is the bartender part time is a friend of mine, she even said; you seem out of sorts tonight is everything ok? Ya sure everything is just hunky dory. She is a relatively close friend and I have never told her what happened to me and NEVER will, I told my dearest closest friend and while she was understanding she still didnt get it, so I rely on the professionals and this forum for support and recovery.

I find it pretty amazing in the face of everything and what we have been thru that we still go on, we still work, we still interact with our friends and family while carrying around inside us this horrible experience we are trying to overcome. That ladies takes strength and courage. One gal stated she was crying on the tread mill while working out (sorry honey forget who you were) bless your heart, I have been there too crying while working out, crying while grocery shopping, crying at just about every activity.

So I had a yearning to hear his voice for some reason so I played his old messages on my cell phone. I noticed almost every single one of his messages included telling me how he was going thru withdraw and needed for me to call him, saying how horny he was for me, how he would like to put objects up every orphis (sp) of my body and slap me around a bit, holding me down hearing me scream, ok ok you get the idea - so after listening to all of them I just sat there on the couch numb thinking THERE YOU HAVE IT, go ahead give him a call because this is what you are going to get. Do you think you are going to hear anything else? Will this man turn into what you want him to be? Do you still want to continue this unhealthy illusion you have carried around in your head 4 years? THe reality of it being he is a sexual predator and will never be anything different.

It was NOTHING you did, you were never a whore, you didnt do anything to cause this person to see you like this ( I really struggle with that one) he cheats because he has a sick perverted mind and wants this from ALL his affairs.

Guess what? I stuck with the NC, and I realized the real pain I was experiencing last night was accepting what would never change and what he turned out to be. LET HIM GO I know I will have some moments like this, its just ridding myself of the unhealthy life I lived for so long.

#2 Feb 9 - 10AM

Hunter

NC

To All, everyone will go through the same stages of recovery. Keep going the NC route the crying will stop. Once I started feeling better I started eating and eating. I asked my Dr if it was the meds,he said no, once you feel better you eat because your recovering. So guys, stay the course, pack on the lbs and feel the freedom. Lose the weight after. Last night I had a hard time sleeping. I think the guy at the inn gave me regular coffee instead of decaf. :) Before I would lay awake thinking, he said this he did that, why,why,why? Now I think good bye to you. I can think about work, my home, normal things! I was riding to work and as Pink Says "and so what I'm still a rock star, I got my Rock moves,and your a tool. Nanananan!! Raise your Glass ladies! NC rules! Idealk

#3 Feb 9 - 9AM

sadderbutwiser

neverlookback

i am new here and just posted a question to betty on another thread. would love to hear a response from you on my question. it is in response to betty's post from yesterday about PD's and long term relationships. anyway, my N was EXACTLY like yours. truly perverted and sick. am i right that you are also married? sometimes i read so much on here that i get people mixed up. i have to work on that! that makes it worse for me that i let myself get sucked in. yes, i also struggle with being on the verge of tears alot, and i am 8 months NC!! how long have you been NC? we are strong women. i'm so proud of you for sticking with NC. maybe it's easier for us cause we had the truly perverted ones. looking forward to hearing from you.

#4 Feb 9 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

neverlookback

sadderbutwiser

my N was EXACTLY like yours. truly perverted and sick. am i right that you are also married? Yes also married. We had the truly perverted ones but also mine was very very good at being a predator, he knows just how to lure them in being a sheriff also gives him extra training in how to read people. Been NC for two weeks, feels like two years, ha ha we think oh boy they will come to their senses and see how special we were, ya right THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Boy was mine a twisted sicko pervert. If you would like to exchange e mails maybe linking and comparing our notes will help us to erase the pain faster with NC, out of curiousity I would like to hear what yours would say, mine was so bad I cant even post the things he said and wanted to do Let me know ok? Betty has my permission to give you my email x0x0x0

#5 Feb 9 - 9AM

Gina

Never

You are SO right on with your post. I, too, feel my pain is from accepting the truth about my relationship with my exN. Not so much him. Whats to miss in a relationship that centers around one person??? Ive been in relationships that were mutually loving before, so, I have to ask myself why would I settle for so little. Its about me now, NOT HIM or what hes is doing or who is with! The focus is on me now. I have to look at my behavior and focus on my healing. Its so damn painful sometimes. I have weak moments of romanticizing the relationship so Ive made myself get on here when I get like that, if not, I will go into never never land and make contact. Every time Ive broken contact, Ive thrown out the window any healing that took place. Ive said this before...."Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results" Im the crying chick on the treadmill. :-)

#6 Feb 9 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

neverlookback

crying treadmill

Oh ok Gina now I remember. I know exactly how mine reacted when I changed my number, he was RAGED because he lost something on the side he put 4 years of training into and even though he could never get me to engage in his evil sexual crap he still enjoyed toying with me and having power and control over me, and I am far from sore to the eyes so he also had a pretty woman he could pull down from the shelf when he felt like her. That is the definition of INSANITY Gina and its not only insane it destroys your whole life. I read an article once on the heartache of loving someone that could never love you back, let alone want to love you back. Its a one way ticket to a life that will take you to nothing but misery. I might as well just lay on a train track and wait for a train to run me over, but that is not what I want to do with my life, I have spent too many days on my couch depressed and NOT LIVING, I want to live again and I will NOT repeat the same mistakes over thinking the results will be different, I want to get past square one, I want to progress each day and NC is the only way you can progress, even though it doesnt feel like it each day of NC is improvement and healing. Quit crying on that treadmill (ha ha) nothing but sweat should be coming out of you. Being with them is also alot like being on a treadmill you get NOWHERE and you spin and spin until one day you get off. x0x0x0

#7 Feb 9 - 9AM

exhausted

I am in this stage right now

I am in this stage right now too. I cry at work all the time for no reason. Just last night I found out that I am now referred to as "the void". When his last victim left him he moved on to me. He sucked off of me for 2 1/2 years. During this time I fell in love. All he ever got out of it was sex. Now I am just "the void". I can't believe that I meant that little to him. I am now 7 days of NC and I am still doing it because I want him to see what he has lost. I am realizing though that this will never happen because what he lost he can replace instantly with anther girl. What I lost is going to take a long time to replace. I feel like he still has my heart and I wish I could just take those feelings from him because he doesnt deserve my heart or my tears. unfortunatly it's not that easy. I am seeing that this is going to take time. And you are right. I can't believe there are people out there who think it is ok to treat us like this and we are expected to go about our daily routine as if nothing ever happened. I have to see my n everyday (we work together). He seems perfectly fine. He laughs and has lots of friends at work. I am the one running to the stairwell crying. How is that fair?!?! Thank you for your story. I remind myself all the time to LET HIM GO. The relationship was never what I built it up to be in my head anyway. I just wish letting go could be instant.

#8 Feb 9 - 9AM

victimnomore

neverlookback I know

I know that 4 years is a long time to be abused. Please try to look at the bright side. You are out, done , finished. That part of your life is finished. Now you get to go on and create something wonderful for yourself. I spent 25 years with this asshole and I sometime wish I had been strong enough to leave many, many years ago but I didn't so thats water under the bridge and now I also get to create something good and positive in my life and on my own terms! I never thought that I would be able to even look at another man romantically again but I am noticing that I am actually flirting with guys that flirt with me and it feel so good. LOL to know that I still got it! I am not ready to date but I know that when i get done working on myself I will be so ready to date and just have fun. (not looking for a husband, been there done that). And delte those messages. I know exactly how you feel but I deleted my NH of 25 years out of my whole life. Even sold all of the very expensive jewelry that he had given me over the years and bought some sexy boots and took a 5 day course in meditation and yoga! {{{HUGS}}}

victimnomore

#9 Feb 9 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

sadderbutwiser

victimnomore

please respond to my question to betty on the thread that she posted yesterday about the wives who stay with these guys long-term. my N has been married for 24 years and he is a twisted freak! i need answers as to why they stay for so long and seem happy?

#10 Feb 9 - 8AM

really

Many times, while I was in

Many times, while I was in the early stages of recovery, I would be out with a friend and end up crying in the bathroom. I had a very hard time seeing people happy because I thought I never would be. I kept pics of him on my phone and would look at them when I had a "craving" or second thoughts about what might have happened or who he might have been. And it helped initially. I knew I was on a path to healing when I got rid of them, though. It hurts me to hear you say that you still have the messages and listened to them. I can only imagine how much it hurt you to hear them. The thing is, they will always be the same. And there could be another woman, just like you, who's listening to the same VMs. I'm proud of you for sticking with NC!!! Especially during a very sad moment like that. I only hope that you will have the strength to Delete them soon and stop them from lingering in the back of your mind. It will help make the reality of moving forward a little bit easier. hugs, really

#11 Feb 9 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

neverlookback

I know

And there could be another woman, just like you, who's listening to the same VMs. I am sure there is, another woman who was just like me kind, decent that he did this to. She no doubt wanted all the things he promised her too, he no doubt gave her the same pathological act only to want this from her in the end. That is what sexual predators do. I see now how much his messages are almost like they are rehearsed, he no doubt has said these things many many times over to his other sexual victims that were also betrayed, and violated in such a deep way. THe worst message being, how would you like me to --------------- would that make you wet? Then he just hangs up. I wonder what he was thinking, how did he really want me to react to that. I also have put together something else, after each time we saw each other his perversion got worse until the next time I saw him, then again the messages and contact got worse. What he was doing was slowly trying to erode my morals, he would give me some of his fake love in person then he would work on taking me down further wanting to do this or that the next time he saw me. It was calculated and thought out on his part and he was good at it because he has done this all his life. Makes me sick really here was me calling him and saying I enjoyed seeing you, I miss you already, bla bla bla thinking he cared sooooo much for me, when all he was doing was seeing me in person to keep me coming back so he could work on demoralizing me further. MISS ME? ya right he never missed me, he just went right back to the drawing board trying to figure out how can I get this woman to give me what I want. Also makes me sick that I am mourning over someone like this? Its trauma bonding and cog dis that I have to work through now, it has NOTHING to do with the fact I still want this man personally. They throw you out after they have damaged you and we are left to figure out what REALLY happened, they KNEW all along what they were doing to us and when we finally figure it out we go NC and say BYE BYE FREAK. Now we are left with all this shit I NEVER WANTED or asked for to deal with because we were with a sick person. I will delete them one day but for now I keep them in case he would ever stalk me, its the only thing I have that I could play for his GF if he ever tried to further ruin my life, but I wont listen to them because it only hurts me. Hugs back to you thanks for talking to me and giving me encouragement - x0x0

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