Ok I am a paranoid nervous wreck

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#1 Jan 30 - 5PM
gettinbetter
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Ok I am a paranoid nervous wreck

I am so freaked out that the N is going to do something horrible to me i.e. send my husband and email (he has his address) or something like that. I dont know why I am having these paranoid feelings havent spoken to the man in 4 months but I feel panicky and cant shake the feeling

Jan 31 - 11PM
loveofmylife
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sickofit

KNow exactly how you feel. I had these feelings too (alhtough my husband knew) - and here's how I made peace with it - hope it works for you: 1. Your narc is not stupid. 2. Only a stupid man would tell a husband that something was going on with the wife. 3. Why? Because husbands are known to get violent and unexpected things could happen. 4. Therefore, if he is not stupid, I think he would be too scared to do something like this. The reprecussions are unknown.
Feb 1 - 8AM (Reply to #47)
gettinbetter
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loveofmylife

I know you are right he is anything but stupid and oddly enough we were speaking about how tall my child is and he said "your husband he's a pretty big guy right" and I thought to myself at the time like he was asking for his own purposes. Now the narc is completely ripped but a coward is a coward no matter how ripped they are. You know you have been involved in something completely dysfunctional when you are fearful of someone who claimed to love you I would love to chat with you sometime
Feb 1 - 8AM (Reply to #42)
gettinbetter
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loveofmylife

I know you are right he is anything but stupid and oddly enough we were speaking about how tall my child is and he said "your husband he's a pretty big guy right" and I thought to myself at the time like he was asking for his own purposes. Now the narc is completely ripped but a coward is a coward no matter how ripped they are. You know you have been involved in something completely dysfunctional when you are fearful of someone who claimed to love you I would love to chat with you sometime
Feb 1 - 11PM (Reply to #45)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

sickofit

omg - my narc said the said thing. "your husband's really big, right" me: "yeah, 6'5 and big" him: "wow" looking a bit uncomfortable "that's TOO big, don't you think?" Yes, he was calculating in his little mind, and it was clear it was for his own purposes. I thought he was calculating what I'm uhhhhh used to, if ya know what I mean, vs. what he had to offer - and whether or not I would be "disappointed"! :) at least that is how I read it at the time. I'm not on the new site (no time/mental energy to figure it out right now), but I really want to talk to you. Betty should have sent you my email - pls email me and we can figure out how!
Feb 2 - 9AM (Reply to #46)
gettinbetter
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I haven't gotten anything

I haven't gotten anything from her yet. Ill keep a lookout! I never really thought about the size thing LOL I just assumed he was worried about getting his ass kicked. Eventhough he is in great shape, a coward is a coward! And I'm sure he didn't want his pretty little face harmed
Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #43)
spinning
spinning's picture

Wow, SOI, what an

astounding realization which I will tell myself over and over again! "You know you have been involved in something completely dysfunctional when you are fearful of someone who claimed to love you." Absolutely brilliant! Try not to focus on the paranoid feelings as they tend to feed on themselves. I recall feeling/believing that my psycho N was ominpresent, I actually whispered into the phone when I spoke to my sister hours after he left the house. It was CRAZY. When the paranoid thoughts come up try to counter them with something positive...don't give the psycho N so much power. You have made such progress and this "person" isn't worth getting twisted up in knots over. You can handle it, I know! Sending you good vibes and hugs, Sincerely (still trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Feb 1 - 9AM (Reply to #44)
gettinbetter
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awww thanks spinning

When I read my post today I see how irrational and almost narcissistic on my part to think that he even has a thought about me now 4 months later. Its my own guilty conscience wreaking havoc on my mind. He is extremely good looking and I'm sure has plenty of supply and doesn't even give me a thought
Jan 31 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

SOI

I agree with Breisis, have gratitude for what you do have and also make a plan in the event the Narc tries to mess with you and your husband, if i were you, I would spend a lot more time on enjoying the relationship with your husband, you are so fortunate to have found a nice guy ,and less on the idiot Narc, who must pale way in comparison to your husband, think about it, you are spending SO MUCH ENERGY on the NARC and the what ifs and whys, what a waste of your time, don't you think. Enjoy the relationship with you family, that is what is most important, do not give the idiot anymore of your brain cells!! I wish to God I had a great guy in my life, you are a lucky woman and realize that!!USE the rubber band on your wrist trick and slap it,not too hard, everytime you think of NARC boy and that will bring you to some self awareness!And NO MORE CONTACT OF ANY SHAPE OR FORM
Feb 1 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

OWML

Oh gosh I realize sometimes when I post that it must appear as though Im so ungreatful. I think about that alot as I see lots of single women on here that just want a decent man and then to see a married woman with a decent man wasting herself on one of these pieces of garbage must be completely revolting to read. Its hard to explain but I do recognize it but I developed such a severe addiction to this man resulting from trauma years ago that I have been unable to break the addiction. I am getting better but he is still ever present in my mind. I just pray that eventually I wake up one day and he is gone from my mind. I am greatful to God that he stopped this from spinning out of control and destroying my life. I realize now how lucky I have been in that I didnt end up raising a child with that monster and that he only made a short appearance this time just long enough to determine what he is. It's almost as if God sort of gave me a gift in that he said "Sick of it Im gonna show you why you suffered so much trauma years ago but you're gonna have to relive it again for a short time in order for me to show you." Atleast I know now that it wasnt me and I didnt miss a wonderful,happy life with him but fake guy He was the love of my life too bad he just didnt exist.
Jan 31 - 11AM
ShaynasMommy
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SOI,

You had mentioned that maybe if you apologize to the Narc and make everything look like its all your fault... he might go easy on you. That may be true, but even that could backfire too. It could just be the signal he needs in his mind that he has you under his control again and that he can go back to his old tricks with you. I don't know, but if it were me I would just keep up with the NC and keep taking good care of yourself. The paranoia is normal and a Narc would be pleased as punch to know he still has a hold over you. Keep hanging in there. I think that more contact from you, even if its just to smooth things over to keep him away would be more trouble than it is worth. In the minds of these crazies, nothing is "truly" over. It just gets put on the back burner for how ever long they want it to be. NC is soooo important, no matter what. I agree with Breisis. Don't bother with this punk anymore and work on yourself and a plan just in case your husband ever finds out.....or confess up front right now and apologize (only you know how your husband would react). But any further involvement with N is IMO a really baaaad idea. Besides that, wouldn't it just KILL you to have to swallow a phony apology to the man who clearly tried to destroy you? That can't be good for your inner psyche.
Feb 1 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

SOI, NC and wanting NC

After a while SOI, the phony apologies and the fakeness becomes so pathetic that it almost makes you sick. When you know what they truly are inside and their words are NOT REAL? When they speak, your thinking "shut up, PLEASE, you are ridiculous, hurtful, pathetic and plain broken."All of that is negativity. Definitely wanna see your NC bring you peace and comfort. It will and I will be happy for you. Hey, I will fly out and attend HH with ya to celebrate. Let him tell your husband? He is a psychopath, and if was gonna tell your husband, he defiantly would have by now. Your right he is a coward, they all are deep down. We are the strong ones:) How are you feeling today?
Jan 31 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

paranoid

I hear you, sweetheart! Mine hasn't spoken or written a note to me in three weeks and I'm starting to get the heebie jeebies. It used to be this sappy, hurt kind of silence he would do, where he would give me puppy dog looks and put notes on my car. Now, it's dead cold silence and I'm waiting for something really bad to happen. I feel like he's plotting, like maybe I really messed up his life and he is deciding how to get back at me. I'm sure this narc of yours is not going to say anything to your husband. They are such cowards it's not even funny. Mine would go pale when he'd see my ex husband. They are terrified of women but even more afraid of real men.
Jan 31 - 5PM (Reply to #36)
darkspark
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I agree with Helldweller

do-blay post! Sorry
Jan 31 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
darkspark
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I agree with Helldweller

He's a coward. He's not going to open himself to affront or responsibility for what he's done. If he were to create a problem for you, he'd open himself up to a can of whoop ass from an officer of the law. If he is going to come back at you, it's going to be a soft and sneaky attack on YOU. You're the weak spot, your husband is the unknown. Better yet, it's to be expected that he would strike back against someone that compromise the family that he loves and wants to protect. I really think that narcs get their 'revenge' by simply wiping us out of their minds. Minimizing our existence and significance. Maligning us to the people they currently hold sway over. Using us to make them more interesting to their next prey. Maybe someday, we get recycled. I was a real thorn in the side of the N I knew way back when. I exposed him to a few people, but yet he still came back. I was very surprised that he came back around, and ended up profusely apologizing for my actions. He brutally mindf*cked me and I bent over backwards to make show my regret for ever doubting him. Perhaps this last time, the pure intent was to exact revenge for the last time. Honestly I think that he was just fishing, and when I bit he rode with it until the pond got contaminated with my demand for proof of his promises. Cowards don't take the direct route. They wait for weakness and then sneak and lie their way in.
Jan 31 - 10AM (Reply to #33)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Gosh I hope you ladies are

Gosh I hope you ladies are right. I guess its kind of narcy of me to think that I'm even on his radar screen. Its just that he was so patronizing of my husband worried about how all of this would effect him and that tells me right there that he resents the hell out of my husband
Jan 31 - 10AM (Reply to #34)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Don't worry about being Narcy in his eyes...

That's probably what will keep him away. Nothing NOTHING scares an N/P more than the prospect that someone they preyed on might be the one preying on them. And enjoying the process. After the final D&D, when I explained the ex-Psych professor's actions to him, how he enjoyed my unhappiness, how he had trashed me behind my back... I did not mind smiling&acting with a godlike sense of entitlement to the point he told me to stop smiling (I didn't) I had this huge smug smile. and he could do nothing. NOTHING.
Jan 31 - 9AM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I know

I often wonder too if mine will come back and try to cause trouble, but really when you think about it the cowards dont want any trouble with the husbands so try not to get too worried. I kept his sick voice messages on my phone to let his GF listen to if he ever tries to mess with me and he KNOWS I have these messages. That would be just inviting trouble for him, something he does not need so the coward will just run and be lucky an irate husband wont come after him.
Jan 30 - 10PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

My emotional files

I think I am going to select another emotional file. A happy emotional file. I just read that on Lisa's Blog and it makes alot of sense to me. This paranoia is coming from selecting too many negative fearful files. :(
Jan 30 - 9PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I'm gonna come at it from a

I'm gonna come at it from a very Briseis type angle :P Pray. You have a deep faith. Pray that your husband be spared the hurt and pain. Your husband is the real innocent in this whole thing, and all it would do is hurt him, no good can come of him ever finding out :( Enjoy and feel gratitude for each day you have with your husband. You are a very fortunate woman :) You've SEEN Hell. You almost brought it full strength into your life, and then most importantly, self corrected :) Be grateful to yourself, you know what matters in this life :) Finally, prepare for the day he might find out. Have a plan. It's possible. Though I'd *think* if the Narc was gonna do something, he would have done it by now? Still, you can't predict the unpredictable. You need to know what you will do, just in case. That is very important. Have a plan, and put it "away" and pray like hell you'll never have to use it. So will we all :)
Jan 30 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Thank You. I pray that he is

Thank You. I pray that he is the coward I think he is. The worst part is that he had access to my husbands email address as it was once connected to my fb account. I do know that quite a few times when he was on the phone with me and he thought my husband was around he acted like the biggest coward. He would hang up all of sudden like a scared little kid. I wanted to say what are you so scared of if you plan on us having a life together you will be confronted by him. My husband is in law enforcement and I remember him staring at his badge. So maybe just maybe he is a little intimidated by that. I pray that is the case or that he has so much supply that he could careless about me. I do know that I am a reminder of the normal life he doesnt have so Im sure I stirred up some inner demons in him. I know that I stir some inner demons in him because I will never forget the hurt look on his face when we ran into some 10 years ago when I remember that look it almost makes him seem human. I do remember in the beginning he said seeing me again made him realize that he wished he had lived his life differently. Well apparently that didnt last long. I made the stupid mistake a couple of months back where I pretty much outed him without using the word Narcissist and suggested that if he didnt change his ways he was going to go to hell. Im sure he didnt take kindly to that I have wondered if just shouldnt apologize to him. Tell him how I was just having a bad time and how great he is and that I understand why he had to leave making him think he controlled everything(which he did) and the he did nothing wrong and that it was all my fault that way he wont feel any need for vengance. I swear every time I think I am making significant progress I have a huge set back. I wish I could erase it all. I hate that f ing souless pig.
Jan 31 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I doubt the nasty messages

I doubt the nasty messages you sent to him at the end had any more impact on him than the sweet and loving ones. That's a Narc for you. It's "all attention" and if a Narc lives long enough, they probably get USED to being slammed into the wall by the people they've hurt. So sending him an apology won't make the impression on him that you think . . . mainly because you think NORMALLY and he doesn't. It would just be attention. As were the nasty comments. Does that make sense? It would matter to YOU to be told you were going to Hell. But to a Narc? They're already THERE. They can't connect to love, and I truly believe most Narcs "know" this. Mine did, off and on. So how you assume he'll react is probably more about how a NORMAL person would react rather than how a Narc would react. He also sounds really intimidated by your husband. Maybe if you'd told him the cops were coming after him rather than he's going to Hell . . . THEN you might have gotten to him :D So I'm thinking less and less that he'll seek some sort of revenge.
Jan 31 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yes I am a little more

Yes I am a little more rational today. I can't tell you how I would love to send him a text saying must husband found out and he's coming for ya. Bahahahahahahaha
Jan 31 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I'm thinking THAT would

I'm thinking THAT would probably be more effective lol. Still, you seem to be desiring to get more of this situation "under control", which is understandable, and right to do. It's HOW to wrap it up tight and get some positive, effective control over it that is the question. I think doing this is the right thing to do, AND, it has NOTHING to do with involving the Narc in any way. Nothing to do with controlling HIM. It is trying to control HIM to send him any kind of communication, be it an apology or a thread. And we all know that we can TRY to control another person but inevitably cannot because the other person is a free agent. So seeking to get a grip on this within you is where you will be able to get relief from the fear and paranoia. That's why I suggested a daily focus on gratitude for what you have; a wonderful husband and daughter, a great job. Stuff that a lot of ladies on this board DON'T have and wish for. You are truly fortunate. And then, to plan for the worst. If the idiot DOES do what you fear, have a plan to deal with it. In your shoes, I'd make up a lie but be ready to tell the entire truth just in case. It's too late to "undo" what is done. So the consequences are you have to "live" with the possibility that there will be consequences. So plan for them. And in the meantime, don't waste the good fortune God's given you, don't waste a moment where you could be enjoying your husband and daughter. Perhaps a new focus for you is to seek out some new things to bring into your relationship with hubby? Everyone has to end up doing this. Focus on HIM, what he needs, what he likes, what brings him joy. It will take the energy you spend worrying about the Narc and what he might do away :)
Jan 31 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Yes! I didn't really think

Yes! I didn't really think about it but I'm trying to control him again UGG! I probably even spend way too much time on this board even. I can really tell how much worse his narcissim and my codependence has gotten just by the effect it has had on me this time. First time I was heartbroken but it didn't effect me this badly. I have to say though it is a fascinating subject and I don't know if this is the right word but I enjoy reading these posts and gathering information and knowledge it really is a ver fascinating subject Not to mention this solved a mystery that plagued me over twenty years Oh yeah I forgot to mention though that in the midst of my fit of parnoia I manged to cook a fabulous meal yesterday LOL
Jan 31 - 3PM (Reply to #26)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

It's NORMAL to want control

It's NORMAL to want control of a shaky situation. The point is to control what you CAN control. Efforts to control other people are in the very least, useless to get what you need, and at worst, blow up in your face. Get control by getting a grip on yourSELF. That will have the positive effects. Making a fabulous dinner in the midst of your paranoia is exactly what I mean :D
Jan 31 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The control issue

"The point is to control what you CAN control. Efforts to control other people are in the very least, useless to get what you need, and at worst, blow up in your face."-Wow. It's too bad Ns/Ps don't learn that lesson. The ex-Psych professor thought that if he had control of me, he'd get an endless font of adulation, a student for life to whom he'd be a mentor, that I'd stick around in the Land of Enchantment... yeah, that blew up in his face. That's why Ns/Ps sabotage THEMSELVES. Instead of controlling themselves... they try controlling others... and that tends to NOT work... big time...
Feb 1 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

RIGHT ON!

RIGHT ON!
Jan 31 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Does enjoying the left overs

Does enjoying the left overs tonite count? :)
Jan 30 - 8PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Y'all I know I'm probably

Y'all I know I'm probably being irrational but I'm remembering some things he said to me and that a lot of things he said were clues about what was in store for me such as I would hate for you to end up without either one of us Someone is gonna get hurt in all of this and it will either me or him Or how about I am not just gonna have an affair with you and you just go back to him and your happy life I just want to cry knowing that I have been involved with such a sick sick man and that he could just ruin me
Jan 30 - 6PM
alittledark
alittledark's picture

SOI I wish I knew how to comfort you,

but I have feared that if the narc I know ever left his wife I could possibly suffer a broken marriage even after I am breaking it off and now going NC, but I would pray that my husband would get educated about personality disorders and psychopaths and see it from my point of view. All that is of little help right now when your mind is telling you all the possible scenarios that could play out. I feel bad for you because I am very paranoid about most things in my life. I wouldn't rule out anything with these psychopaths, but I would also suggest you see your doctor/therapist to maybe get some adjustments on your meds. I hate to admit it, but sometimes after reading some of the extreme narc cases on here my mind begins reeling and I usually like to take a break for a while. But usually a happy, optimistic article comes up about someone breaking free and enjoying life for a change and balances out everything again. A big hug to you and a prayer to boot. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller