True 2 Truth's Story

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#1 Nov 25 - 10AM
truetotruth
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True 2 Truth's Story

~My Story~

I wish I found this site 3 years ago. I cannot believe there are so many women who know exactly what I am going through. I have never felt so alone in my life. I suppose I didn't find the site until I was meant to.

I will try and be as short and sweet as possible.

I was with my ex for 4 years. It was the most amazing thing I had ever known in the beginning. He was not like anyone I had ever gone for in the past. He was soft spoken and a bit feminine ( I thought he may be gay). I put it off. Thinking that perhaps because he wasn't crude I was making a swift judgement in assuming he could be gay.

About 6 months into the relationship I had these gut feelings that he wasn't being open with me. It would nag at me but he always had an explaination and told me that because of my past ( abandoned as a child) I was being paranoid and I was letting it affect our relationship.

My love grew and my guts churned but he was this person who treated me like gold and loved me. He was right I was losing it. He must have been with his divorce lawyer until 2 am.

About a year into our relationship I found a reciept in his car for the drive in. I had never been and had alway wanted to go. He told me it wasn't his. It must have been his co-workers ( I refused to believe it stating that I dount his co worker would open up his consol and tuck in in there. I knew in my heart he was lying. I left.
He haunted me for days swore up and down he did not EVER go to the drive in. He got down on his hands and knees and begged me to believe him. The tears were streaming down his face and he swore on his mothers life ( who he is obsessed with)that he had never ever be to a drive in.

I took him back but kept the reciept. I posted it in my journal.

Things became worse and worse after that. When I would confront him about things that did not add up he would turn it back on me. It was the same pattern every time. I can say that he never once took responsibilty for his actions. He told me I made him lie. It was not his fault that I was hard to talk to. That I was bitter. I tried explaining that I was hurt and scared for my sexual health he wouldnt hear it. It was never about me.
When I would try and end things he would go into the hospital for one illness or another. Knowing that my heart was so big I could not let him go through anything alone ( in case he was telling the truth.

He would end things and take off to another county for 6 weeks at a time and then call me all the way from Egypt or Saudi Arabi telling me not to be with anyone and how much he loved me and was dying without me. I fell for it everytime. I loved him so much. I wanted to believe that it was me.

Flash forward..so many lies...
1. I found out he went to the drive in multiple times with two girls he swore he didn't speak to anymore.
2. He took money from me to store his stuff and actually stored it at their house.
3. He told me he really needed the money to give to his Aunt in the states who also had breast cancer.
4. He had also told me when we first met his mother had cancer.
5. When I went for STD testing and was waiting on the results I refused to see him. I was so scared and worried and I didnt want to take out my fears on him in case everything was all right. He got angry with me for not being able to see him and told me he was so depressed he stayed in bed all wekkend and watched movies. I foudn out when I went to support him at an event that he actually went out with a girl on a date to a movie.

That was the turning point for me. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I found out from her. Not him. I remember shaking and sweating and feeling like if I didnt get away from them I would pass out or vomit.

I left. He called everyday for two weeks. Sent flowers. Begged swore it was all a misuderstanding etc...

Im trying to write this but there is so much. This is just a small portion of the lies and torture he put me through.

I felt so worthless with him. I felt he was embarassed by me. When he left this summer ( again) he said to me..maybe you will have bigger boobs and longer hair when I get back.

This summer when he returned ( on my b-day) I told him I would consider seeing him on two conditions
1. No more lies period
2. He suggested counselling ( as he had refused when I asked in the past) I asked that he commit to that suggestion.

He was not back with me 2 weeks before he lied to me about another girl again. He told me once again I made him lie and that he neeeded to protect his public image. If she knew I was suspicious she would tell people at school and he might look bad.

I kicked him out that night and have not contacted him at all in 12 weeks. I moved out of my home and into a new one so he cannot just swing by and con me again. I had changed all my numbers except one. He called after 12 weeks this Saturday. There was no I am sorry. No I have learned.
It was "you have to do this" and you dont understand..you made me lie. I need to see you, if you really loved me you would pick up etc.....
I did not meet him and I did not pick up. His last text was are you not seeing me cause there is someone else??

It shocked me that even now four years later he is in such deep denial. I wanted to scream I AM NOT SEEING YOU BECAUSE OF YOU!!! YOU!! NO ONE ELSE. YOU HURT ME, YOU THREW ME AWAY LIKE GARBAGE,YOU BROKE MY SPIRIT, YOU FREAKIN GASLIGHTED ME!!! the only person that ever kept me from him was...HIM. It scared me to realize that he will never ever take responsibilty for his actions. He loves no one but himself.

I prayed he would never called but strangely, I am glad he did. Its not me. Its all about him. What he wants, what he needed. He didnt miss, want, or need me for 12 weeks.
Everytime I took him back into my home, heart, and arms he betrayed me. The only thing I have never done is..to stay away from him. I am sure that is the only way I will recover.

My biggest regret is urging him to go back to school and become a Doctor. He said it was his dream. He said he wanted to help people. He said seeing his mom go through so much he wanted to be a good doctor. I wrote most of his character skecth and provided references and a letter begging the school to take him. I sopke of how wonderful he was and his vision.

Flash forward- I now know he doesn't give a crap about people- he wanted to be a doctor for the title and the money. Period. This is what haunts me the most. I was a path for that selfishness.

I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have lost so much in the last few years. The person I miss the most is me. I am working towards getting well again. The nightmares of his lies and evilness still keep me up. Most nights I still wake up crying becuase of the hurt and inner confusion. I still love him but I hate him more. Hate is a poision. I am working on getting rid of that hate that toxic.Its onyl hurting me. Its going to take time to heal. I was pretty sure that he was a NARC. but after finding this site and reading the eerie stories from other women I am sure now. I had so many aha moments in the last 24 hours its making me dizzy.

Thank you you have no idea how much I needed to find this site. I am sorry we are all here but there is someone who understands the heart wrencthing mind spinning nights.

Nov 30 - 2AM
becsta777
becsta777's picture

Truetotruth

I really feel for you. Reading your story, I should feel grateful that my experience was only for four or five months, not four years. The part of your story that outraged me the most was his using your past ie 'you were abandoned as a child' to manipulate you. My narc did that to me repeatedly, and I never knew anyone could be so cruel as to do something like that. These people are like giant, blood sucking insects with human faces, walking and talking amongst us. As if the world isnt scary enough already! I'm so glad I found this site too, its saved me in more ways than one. And as another member said to me 'the recovery process takes time' and she is right. We just need to give time, time. love and hugs :)
Nov 30 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
truetotruth
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Becsta

LOL thank you for this....the insect analogy gave me a chuckle through my tears :) I am always conflicted on these posts...Once again to nkow that someone knows how I feel is so weightlifting but then to know you know how I feel makes me so sad that I am not the only one who has been broken down in such a way. Cruel is a word I have used many times in refernece to my ex. He told me once when I tried to confront him that I blew it...I almost had a family...and by standing up to him I gave it away. He was going to marry me and give me the family I so longed for..He basically made a point to say look at you no wonder you don't have anyone. In the same sentence he said if touched his belongings he would ake my life hell and have my son taken away from me. Cruel seems to be a gentle statement. Becsta..just curious is it related to Rebecca??? You dont have to answer..
Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
becsta777
becsta777's picture

Truetotruth

This really resonated with me..."He told me once when I tried to confront him that I blew it...I almost had a family...and by standing up to him I gave it away. He was going to marry me and give me the family I so longed for". Mine did the same thing to me, numerous times...like, I wasnt allowed to initiate intimacy or request we do anything together, if I did he would be really cold and horrible. But then he would tell me over and over that I wasnt affectionate enough and that I needed to be more forward with him!! Talk about a mindf#%k! He fed me a similar line to yours when I called him up to ask him about money he owed me and he instead focused on the fact that he didnt want to be with me like I was some screaming, crying young girl desperate for his love. He said that he had loved me and wanted to be with me and had all these plans because we really had something special, but I basically blew it by asking him for the money he owed me to be returned to me! He said it had "turned him off". I'd been away from him long enough by the time he fed me that last line, to know that it was a load of crap. I almost laughed at him out loud, but I kept it to myself. Still, he managed to twist my thinking on that last phone call enough to doubt myself. I really hate that man.
Nov 25 - 1PM
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Truthtotruth

It's good that you have found this site. All of us on here are so blessed and so much wiser for having stumbled upon it. Once you catch onto them its a downward spiral I'm afraid. They gaslight and project the blame onto you. They are clutching at straws. They need to try and keep you in their clutches and will do anything, beg, plead and cry, to get what they want. Eventually if this fails, or they suspect it's failing they will search for new supply. And when they have secured it you're obliterated from their mind. For a while at least. This isn't quite what happened with me, but I've read enough stories on here to know that's the USUAL scinario :( I'm so pleased to hear that you are 12 weeks no contact, well done you :). That's still early days, but at least you have started the detox and are starting to see things more clearly. We all on here understand COMPLETELY what you are going through. Our stories may be different in a lot of ways, but the core is still the same. These guys are TOXIC, they have us addicted to the 'illusion' they first presented us with, we have been brainwashed by them and its a rollercoaster ride from here on in. Hang on tight, listen to the wonderful advise you will get from the ladies on here and know that we all share the same goal. To detox, heal, gain strength and wisdom and ultimately move on to a NARCFREE future with someone who will cherish and love us in the way that we SHOULD be loved. Welcome and good luck xx
Nov 29 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
truetotruth
truetotruth's picture

Thanks Ladies

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and replying, It means alot. The N/C was my only option. Its the only thing that I have left to work with. Every single time in the past he cons me back, Using my heart to his advantage. Its the most bizzare feeling to still love and miss this man whilst knowing he made me feel worthless and crazy. I've got a lot of work to do yet. I have not heard the last of him. Your description "They need to try and keep you in their clutches and will do anything, beg, plead and cry, to get what they want. " is so dead on. I am just having such a hard time accepting that people like this exsist. I hope you both are well and getting through as best you can. Thank you again
Nov 25 - 11AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Hang in There

Hello and Happy Thanksgiving. You are headed in the right direction. The one thing that made chuckle is you said he wanted to be a Doctor. HAHAHAHAH. Most of these guys can't stay focused long enough to clean a toilet. It's hard to believe, but several of my friends have had N's in their lives. None of them had a real carrier. They feel superior to all they can't take criticism, they know all. Please! they say things because it will impress us. Be glad you are here and not dealing with him. You will find nice person to be with in time. If not love yourself. Be proud of who you are. OXOXO
Nov 30 - 3AM (Reply to #2)
becsta777
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idealk9NYC

Haha! The thought of a narc cleaning a toilet is pretty funny. But my narc actually used to use toilet cleaner in the toilet every morning to cover up any traces of the fact he might have bodily functions just like everyone else. He was so obsessed with his image! He also had no career...he would moan all the time about the fact he could never finish anything he started. He would also go on and on about how smart he was even though he never finished high school - he loved to correct me when I used bad grammar, even if I was just talking that way for fun. Ugh, I could go on and on! I wonder what these narcs will end up doing once they are old and ugly and nobody wants them anymore...I read suicide is usually the only answer for them.
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
Hunter
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OMG!! My N cleaned his

OMG!! My N cleaned his toilets and everything with bleach. Bleach, Bleach, everywhere. Maybe his dog was white because he bleached him too. Once he had a bad Bowel attack, made me wait in the other room and turn the TV up so I wouldn't hear anything. when he was finished he had the blank Narc stare going. No real job for him as well. "LOSER" Same guy different body! Creepy,
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #12)
becsta777
becsta777's picture

idealk9NYC

HAHAHAHA!!! That is hilarious about him making you turn up the TV :D What desolate inner lives these narcs must have. They must feel so essentially defective that they feel the need to maintain a 'superhuman' persona to the world. Looking back now, I cant believe I was ever involved with someone like that...it just baffles me.
Dec 8 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Hunter
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I hear you. I feel stupid!

I hear you. I feel stupid!
Nov 30 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Used
Used's picture

becsta777

wonder what these narcs will end up doing once they are old and ugly and nobody wants them anymore...I read suicide is us ually the only answer for them. and i am more than willing to lend them a helping hand.
Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
becsta777
becsta777's picture

used

yeah, I was telling my father who I have little contact with (he is also a narc) all about what my narc did to me recently. He suggested that it might be a good idea to find someone to 'knee cap' him!! He then raged on and on about how people like the narc are a sore on the face of society, etc etc...even though his own behaviour has been very similar over the years. It sure would be nice to have him 'knee capped' though. I have little fantasies about his pretty face getting all messed up too. I think, for him, that would be worse than anything in the world - to have his looks disfigured. I think he's so shallow he'd have no choice but to kill himself.
Nov 30 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
truetotruth
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Becsta777 2

OMG..lol you are killing me here. But please do go on and on seriously..get it out. I've got your back. Mine was super concerned with what others thought, always. One thing about mine that seems to be different is that he was highly educated and kept a really good job, he then went on to Medical school as a mature student. He is still in school.
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
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He is still in school

The ex-Psych professor took SEVEN YEARS at the University of Virginia to get a master's degree in philosophy. My sister said that it usually takes 1 to 3 years to get a master's degree. My therapist said that getting a master's in psychology takes some time, but nearly a decade? Even he thought that was ridiculous. Why would it take SO LONG to get a degree that usually takes only a year?
Dec 7 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
becsta777
becsta777's picture

truetotruth

Yeah, mine tried to do soooo many courses. A lot of them were to do with natural medicine actually but he always fell short of completing them by one unit or there was something that happened that was 'not his fault' like he failed the final exam and they wouldnt let him sit it again therefore making the entire course null and void. He was always complaining about that stuff. Everything was beyond his control for some reason, even though he always 'put so much in and gave so much of himself' blah blah blah. According to him he was the most generous, giving, saintly swami guru gift to humanity around. In the end, he settled on ski instructor for a career. Talk about perfect job for a narc!! A woman was telling me the other day that men can get around acting like they're shamens and wise men but once their 'robes' are off and they're sitting on a toilet, they're simply just 'men'...I thought that was quite funny. When I start to think that maybe my narc was wise after all and I'm just the dumb one, I think of him on the toilet...its hilarious. :)
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
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Yep , what goes in must come

Yep , what goes in must come out. Mine went from Architect to dog trainer. Too bad the only trained dog is his own.
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I wonder how they would feel

I wonder how they would feel if they found out how we are laughing at them right now? I'm sure they would be pissed off w/ toilet brush in hand. Teehee!
Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Susan32
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Do not mess with the empaths!

I'll speak from experience here. The ex-Psych professor HATED being laughed at. So much so he ran when the senior skit mocked him, and made a run for it when I met his girlfriend. His BIGGEST FEAR was being laughed at. He took his "I run from ridicule" very seriously. I don't think the "ALL attention is NS for a Narc." Not true. The ex-P was visibly pained when he was the object of ridicule. When a classmate and I played a minor prank on him (we pretended to be cousins, he believed it)... he didn't take it well. But he didn't mind mocking me when I was mourning my grandfather, and he mocked me cruelly behind my back. I'm sure the ex-P was laughing VERY hard when I compared him to my tantrum-throwing, poopy-diapered baby nephew (I was milking the fact that the ex-P's father and my brother in-law have the same name, and that my nephew, like the ex-P, is growing up in the Bay State) Well, I KNOW I was laughing. The ex-P said he didn't mock himself because he took himself seriously. He complained that people were "defending" themselves from him by laughing at him. When it came to mocking himself, I said that if he didn't do it to himself, I'd do it for him. I am a woman of my word. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.